You're Not Alone
by Sammi B.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Gossip Girl. If I did, Penn would be forever mine, and Chuck and Blair would be together. Also, the lyrics at the bottom, and the title of the story, come from the Saosin song You're Not Alone. Great song. Go listen.
Rating: T for my potty mouth.
Author's Notes: Just another little ditty that's been stewing around in my head for awhile. I hated the way the last episode ended, and I believe Chuck will always be an eternal scumbag for leaving Blair like that, so I decided to change to my version of what would happen, mostly because I heart Chuck/Blair as much as I heart Dan/Serena. So, I hope you like it, and please fill free to leave a review-getting them makes my day.
Completed: march 15 2008
She was all cried out.
She had cried all night after walking through the park: on her mother's lap, in her bed, next to the toilet as she dreamed of a day when she might not need that porcelain bowl as much as she needed it that night. She had lost her best friend, her boyfriend, her lover, her minions-all because of a sick, vicious mistake that had gotten out of hand and suddenly burst, exploding blame and lies and rumors to the whole teenaged population of the Upper East Side.
Blair Waldorf couldkill Chuck Bass right about now.
But really, she only had herself to blame. It was her fault for continuing their mockery of a relationship-granted, it had been his fault that first time. He knew she had been well on her way past drunk, and yet he persued it. And even if it still gave her chills to think about that night, about his hands tracing the pale skin off her upper arms, tangling in her hair, it was the beginning of the end.
She took a deep breath, trying to ignore her mother's frantic calls on the other side of the bathroom door, letting the sound of the water drown out the pleas and promises. She shut her eyes, trying to get rid of her memories, of her indignities…
But when she opened them again, she was still alone.
And that scared her.
Chuck twirled the crystal shot glass sitting before him, downing the amber liquid in the shot glass beside him before turning back to his entertainment. He ran a hand over his eyes, shaking his head, thinking about howfucked up this was. Blair might be pregnant. And, more than likely, it was his.
If only she had come with him, if only she hadn't gone back to Natey-boy and tried to act like Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, maybe he wouldn't have had to tip off Gossip Girl, and maybe now he wouldn't feel like an absolute ass.
But, what was done was done, and there could be no going back, no repairing before it was broken….
Only regrets drowned in an amber liquid.
"Honey, please come out." Eleanor Waldorf sighed dramatically, wondering if she should get the doctor on the phone and explain the situation. Blair locked in a bathroom was never good. Especially when she had been there half the night, crying and choking about something at school and…Eleanor was sure it had been blown out of proportions, but Blair was taking it extremely hard and Eleanor was worried.
"Go away!" Blair called, another rack of sobs coming from her. "I'm fine!"
"Clearly, you're not," Eleanor replied calmly, counting to ten, as the therapist had told her she needed to do if she ever felt overwhelmed. "Darling-"
"I'm fine! Just leave me alone!"
"Mom, really, just leave me alone. I'll be fine."
"You don't sound fine…" Eleanor trailed off, wondering if she should just leave her daughter alone. When Blair threw tantrums when she was younger, it was best to leave the child alone…maybe tonight was the same thing. "All right, then, dear, I'm off to the airport. I'll be in Milan the rest of the week; you've got the cards and everything. Have a good night."
Blair didn't reply, and Eleanor left, attempting to block out the guilt as she heard her daughter's racking sobs once again fill the bathroom's silence.
In the bathroom, Blair gasped, her arms wrapping around her stomach as pain shot through her body. How did this happen? How did she let this get so out of control?
And once again she wondered, how was she all alone?
Serena let herself into Blair's apartment, pulling on Chuck's forearm, forcing him in. "Why am I here, van der Woodsen?"
"Why? Because you caused this mess! You couldn't be satisfied with screwing over your own relationship with Nate-you had to ruin hers' too! And because of you, she's in her bathroom, crying her eyes out, alone, probably puking out what little food she's eaten in the past couple of days. So you are going to fix this. You are going to admit that you are just as lonely and just as lost as she is, and you are going to make it better. Because if you don't, I will castrate you in your sleep and then personally hand over your balls to Gossip Girl. Do you get me?" Serena snapped, her voice soft, threatening. Serena may be a lot of things, but she was not someone who left her best friend when the world told her to give up. And she'd be hell-bent if she let Chuck Bass leave this mess the way it was.
Especially when it was obvious that those two were totally into each other. Serena might not like it, but who was she to say anything-look at who she was dating. She could care less about society's-and St. Jude's and Constance Billard's-views on her relationship with Dan. He loved her for being her-for interrupting him, and for laughing, and for being smart-and that was enough for her.
"Blair isn't my problem, Serena."
"She isn't your problem? Chuck, you are the one who caused this-this is all your problem. If you could have kept it in your pants, we wouldn't be dealing with this little situation right now, would we? So, suck it up, and let's go." She led him up the stairs, flinching as she heard the running water in the bathroom. "Blair? Blair, it's me-it's Serena."
"What? Come here to gloat?" Blair snapped, shifting on the expensive marble tiles in the bathroom. "Cause I don't really have the time-or the patience-to hear that today, Serena."
"Gloat? Blair, you're my best friend. I wouldn't-"
And hearing those words-best friend- she broke. "Everything's horrible. My whole life is falling apart."
"So rebuild it. You're a Waldorf, remember? People don't tell you who you are, you tell them."
"I'm going…I'm going to talk my mom into letting me go to Paris with Daddy. I can start over there."
"You can't go." Chuck Bass' voice was soft, barely audible over the water running around. "You can't…"
"What are you doing here?" Blair snapped, viciousness and poison overrunning her voice. "Serena, make him go away."
"I don't think so, Blair. I'm not going to just leave."
"Remember…remember what you told me? I don't have you. I only held a certain fascination for you because I was beautiful, delicate, untouched. I'm like one of your father's prize Arabians, remember? And you don't won't me anymore-why would anyone else, either?" His words cut, a slap back to him, and he bowed his head, trying to control his temper, his own anger.
"But, Blair…stay and fight. I'll fight with you." Serena's voice was soft, though her eyes were in a hard glare at one Chuck Bass.
"I'm so embarrassed," Blair admitted, dropping her head in shame. "I'm so…"
"So what? Start over. It can be done. I should know. We can get through this together-"
The lock clicked on the bathroom door, and Serena pushed it open, entering the bathroom, going to sit by her best friend, pulling her into a hug. "It'll be all right," she soothed, pushing damp hair off the girl's forehead. "We'll get through this."
"Serena…" Blair cried, pointedly ignoring Chuck. "Serena, it's all-"
"I know. But it will get better-and if it doesn't, who cares? Who cares what these people think, when they all have scandals and skeletons in their closet? Don't let this ruin you-don't let it make you run."
Chuck had come into the bathroom cautiously, kneeling beside his fallen princess. As much as he hated to admit it, he was…she attracted him, even when he was supposed to be done with her. She was vulnerable, and, for some reason, he wanted to protect her, to tell her everything would be okay tomorrow, and they'd go back to school and be Nate's best friend and girlfriend, like usual.
He wished he could lie to her like that.
"Blair, you'll have me, too," he whispered, his voice nearly shaking, wondering what she would say, if she would destroy his olive branch, let it go up in flames. He deserved it.
She looked at him, wide brown eyes still red from tears falling from them. He reached out, to wipe away those tears-
and she flinched away from him.
"I hate you," she said fiercely, slapping him as hard as she could.
Leaving all three of them shocked.
"I'm gonna go get her some food. You take care of your problems before then-if you don't, you will regret it," Serena told her step-brother, glancing at the closed white doors of Blair's room. Somehow, she had coaxed the girl out of the bathroom, into pajamas, now in her bed, trying to sleep. Serena grabbed her scarf and jacket, and with a final look at Chuck, left the penthouse for the market and bakery down the road, one of Blair's favorites.
Chuck sighed, biting his bottom lip as he approached the door. "Blair?"
"Do you really want that, Blair? Because I will if you really want that."
"What do you want?" the girl finally said, and he opened the door, coming closer. "Please, don't…"
"I'm sorry. I was an ass. I shouldn't have tipped off Gossip Girl. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have gotten over you when you had clearly been over me-I should have done a lot of things different, and I can't-I can't go back and change the past. I can't make it better, I know, but I owe you more than just cheap talk from a scorned man."
"You don't owe me anything, Chuck," Blair whispered, glancing up at her former lover, remembering their time together. It was-it was what she had imagine loving Nate would be like, only with a little hardness and roughness only Chuck would have been able to offer.
If only they hadn't ruined everything with their little affair.
"But see, I do owe you, Blair. Nate-I owe Nathaniel nothing. But you-you helped me find humanity. My heart. And I took yours' in my hand and shattered it into a thousand pieces. I'm sorry."
"Why did you have to tip off Gossip Girl, Chuck? Why did you have to-"
"I was angry-so angry. At you, at him. And I wanted you to feel just as lonely and jealous as I did-but now I see all I did was hurt you, and that hurt me even more." He reached out to touch her-memories of that pale flesh writhing beneath him, curling into his hair burning his mind-trying to be soothing, but she just moved away.
"You made me feelso utterly alone, Chuck. Like I had no one. Like I was no one. And I'm sorry if I did the same to you, but I just never-"
"I know," he whispered, hand moving up to her chin, lifting it. "And just so you know, you should never look down. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
"No buts, Blair. No regrets. You can't help who you love-and neither can I."
He kissed her softly, hand running down the cool skin of her neck, entering the hair that smelled so nice-like the tropical flowers everyone was so fond of. He broke off the kiss, his eyes on hers'. "Is this-"
"Is it okay? I'm not sure," she whispered, and he immediately set to unlatching himself from her, but she grabbed his hand. "But I want this."
"Really? You want this? Us? What about school, about-"
"Like Serena said, I'm a Waldorf, and people don't get to define me. I'll do a damn good job by myself."
He nodded, leaning in to capture her lips again. "I know you will," he whispered softly between kisses, and suddenly, the world seemed okay, for now. Come what may, she knew she had a best friend, a boy friend, people who loved her, and she'd get through a little scandal. No one would hold Blair Waldorf down.
She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
She's searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is her
And this time I think you'll know
You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell
Gossip Girl here,
Monday's here, and who should walk in but B & C, hand-in-hand, shoving it to the respective crowds surrounding them. Seems like a jealous N stormed out, and a smiling S just continued talking to D.
Why do I feel like there will be hell to pay from those who dethroned B?
You know you love me,