Disclaimer: I only own the OC mentioned. I do not own Miss. Massaro. Nor do I own John Cena, that'd be great if I did though.
In no way, shape, or form am I complaining right now. I swear. I can't afford to complain. It's just that... I had no idea how fucking difficult it was going to be. I mean, I thought I knew, but I was obviously wrong.
The moment I won the Raw Diva Search, I was so excited, but not because I was going to get to wrestle. Oh no, I had different motives at the time. Then, I only had a few things on my mind; meeting John Cena, partying, shopping, and living the life of a diva. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't expect to get a surprise along the way that would change my life forever.
I did get meet to John. We hooked up, but I didn't expect it to go any further than that. He didn't either, I could tell, because he was still seeing other people. But, we started dating eventually, then a year later, our son, Sean, was born.
Talk about a turn of events. We had never talked about planning a family, or even a future together before then, and then there we were, faced with both problems at the same damn time.
I was terrified and excited during my entire pregnancy. That's normal for a woman, I know, but I was more terrified than excited most of the time. I found myself questioning my parenting abilities and the responsibility that was soon to come along with it a little too often.
"Am I really ready to just put my life on halt and raise a kid? I've just begun to live and have a little fun, and now this?" John had heard me say aloud. He was really upset with me, obviously, telling me I was being selfish and this baby would be the beginning of our lives. And boy was he ever right.
It was the happiest day of my life when Sean was born, he had a head full of blonde hair, and a pair of lungs that made Mariah Carey look mediocre.
He was beautiful, and when he opened his big crystal blue eyes for the first time, I could feel my heart flutter in my chest. I felt whole holding him in my arms. That was the first day that I had ever seen John cry, he was just as happy as I was, and equally exhausted. Right, 'cause just standing there and encouraging while I push a small human out of my body is so tiring.
John and I had moved in together before his birth, and when we brought him home from the hospital, we spent all of our time looking over him, watching him while he slept, playing with him while he was awake. We wanted to cherish all of our moments with him before we had to get back on the road. I had three months off while John only had two, so I was home alone with the baby. I found my love for him growing stronger as the days went by. I could've never imagined myself being a mother, but when it happened, I found that it's like a second nature. You just have to go with it.
Before I knew it, he was four months, and it was time for me to go back to work. I honestly didn't want to go because he was at that stage where he would be starting to laugh and roll over for the first time. I didn't want to miss any of that, but I didn't have a choice if I wanted to keep my job.
John and I decided that we would have my mother watch over him while we on the road. Just as I thought, I had missed his first laugh. My mom called me as soon as he did it, and put the phone up to him while he was giggling.
That broke my heart, but at the same time, I was happy. Hearing my baby boys' sweet laughter brung out so many different emotions all at once.
After that day, I was one of the most depressed people in the locker room. I wanted to be back at home with Sean so bad that it was becoming ridiculous. I was calling home to check him every... and I mean every single chance that I got.
I missed his first word, it was 'daddy'. John was there when he said it due to the fact he was home on injury at the time. He called me and Sean said it again for him over the phone. I was happy that he was learning to talk, but upset because I was missing it. I felt like I was being selfish somehow. At that moment, I was jealous that John was there with him and I wasn't.
A few weeks after his first word, he began pulling himself up to learn how to walk. I missed his first steps. My mother recorded it for John and I, but it didn't make a difference, I wanted to be there myself and witness it. Not have it played back to me on tape.
I knew what I was getting into the day I found out I was pregnant; I knew there would be a lot of things in my childs' life I would miss due to my profession.
But, that's the price you pay, one of the sacrifices you have to make when you're a WWE diva. You have to be prepared emotionally to leave your child at home when you don't want to, and physically to go out to that ring every week and put yourself on the line.
He's two now, and he's John and I's biggest fan. He watches us everyweek and occasionally comes out on the road with us for support.
Like I said, I can't afford to complain because I chose this life, and right now, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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