Title: Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition
Word Count: 1784
Disclaimer: I don't own SNL, their fabulous skit series "Celebrity Jeopardy!", Death Note, DBZ, Inuyasha, or Lucky Star. If I did, I'd be sipping piña coladas on a beach right now.
Characters: Light/Kira, Ryuzaki/L, Goku, Kagome, and Akira
Notes: Light was sent packing for a hell of stupidity. [Originally published on LiveJournal 5/15/2008]
Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition
Applause greeted a sharply dressed young man as he strode onto the glowing, blue stage. In a three-piece suit and shined shoes, he bowed and waved to the audience as if the perfect example of a polite Japanese gentleman. But if any of them could look closer, they would see his pleasant smile was tight and unnatural. To his credit, he wasn't there to deliver any college speeches.
"Hello, and welcome to the first ever Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition. My name is Yagami Light."
Instead, Light had been sent packing for hell.
"I'm proud to be your host for the evening—since Ryuzaki volunteered me, and refusing would somehow prove I'm Kira," he muttered under his breath, "so let's introduce our guests—given names only. The first contestant is Goku, a martial arts expert."
Beaming with excitement, Goku waved and shouted as if his orange jumpsuit didn't call enough attention to him. "Hi, everybody! Hey, Chi Chi, I made sure to wear clean underwear, so please make me that steak like you promised, okay?"
Clearing his throat, Light asked, "You like steak?"
"Yup! Gotta have at least three cows' worth at a time!" he replied, holding up four fingers.
Light arched an eyebrow, but continued. "Okay . . . next we have a high school student named Kagome."
"Inuyasha!" chirped a bright-eyed brunette with insanely long legs.
"Really? The card says your name's Kagome, so—"
Kagome nodded, but fearfully crouched behind her podium and cried, "Inuyasha!"
"Is there a dog loose in the studio?" he asked, glancing left and right.
"Inuyasha!" Kagome yelled, jumping to her feet and blushing hot pink.
"Uh, yeah." Light took a mental note that she might be legally insane and a threat to society, and therefore killing her would be both beneficial and enjoyable. "Last there's—"
"Me! Oha-Lucky!" said a tiny girl, her red hair pulled into a perky ponytail. She winked at the audience, and a star flew out of her eye.
To everyone else, it seemed Light asked no one in particular, "Wait, isn't she below some kind of age limit?"
But from the audience, a giant pair of glowing eyes—actually Ryuzaki—answered. "She's not quite as young as she looks, but you're not allowed to reveal her true age," he mumbled into Light's concealed earpiece, his mouth half full of cake. "Those were her conditions for appearing on the show. Is that alright?"
Resisting the urge to grunt at the sound of Ryuzaki's muffled slurping, Light answered, "Sure, whatever." Raising his voice again, he said, "Last, we have junior high student and TV personality on the infomercial Lucky Channel, Akira."
"Even if it's very hard, I'll try my very, very best, so pwease be patient," Akira said, peeking shyly behind the sleeves of her oversized school uniform.
Light twitched. "Okay . . . let's play Jeopardy!"
A score of television screens that were mounted against the wall beeped and flashed, revealing the categories as Light read them.
"The Jeopardy categories are:
Apparently every answer to this category is 'Inuyasha'." Light gave Kagome a sidelong glare. "Wonder why—
'Black or White'
'Does This Have a Hole In It?'
'Spell What's on the Screen', and
'Things That Are Yummy'.
Goku, please pick a category."
Goku stared at the screens, wide-eyed. "Gosh, I've never had to pick anything like this before! It's always, 'Should I eat thirteen or twenty bowls of udon, or do I go Super Sayajin, or Super Duper Triple Scooper Sayajin, or—'"
A large drop of sweat slid down the back of Light's head. "How about 'Things That Are Yummy' for 400? The answer is . . . 'Poop'. Is this yummy?"
Goku focused on the screen, gripping his podium so hard he cracked the edges. Kagome also concentrated so deeply with a finger to her lips, it made her look rather cute; Akira, watching her, muttered something that ended with, " . . . flashed her panties to get here." But nobody buzzed in.
It was unbelievable. Slumping out of his pin-straight posture, Light said, "Nobody knows if poop, a.k.a. feces, is yummy or not?"
Then Kagome hit her buzzer.
"Thank God—I think," Light muttered. "Kagome?"
Kagome clasped her hands and gently whispered, "Inuyasha."
" . . . Not the right category."
Goku buzzed in.
"Have an answer?" Light asked.
Goku nodded, grinning from ear to ear. "What is 'yes'?"
Light's mouth unhinged. He turned from the screen—to Goku—and back—and said, "No, that's wrong."
"Really?" Goku asked, blinking. Rubbing his neck, he said, "Gosh, this one's tough. It's like the time I battled Freeza, and after I powered up to about—"
"Anybody else?" Light groaned.
Ignoring him, Akira dug a cigarette and an old lighter out of a pack strapped to her upper arm, then started flicking the lighter without success.
"Er, let's just move on," said Light. "Kagome, you pick—never mind, we'll go with 'Dog Demons' for 5,000." He read, "He is the title character of Takahashi Rumiko's manga series, Inuyasha."
Goku buzzed in. "Is it Maijin Buu?"
And Light planted his face on the floor. "No."
Then Akira, having finally lit her cigarette, buzzed in.
"Sorry, but there's no smoking in here," Light said, feeling his dignified façade slipping fast.
Instead of putting it out, Akira took a drag and blew thick smoke in Light's face. "I've had a long day, alright? Don't give me a hard time, kid, or you'll regret it."
"That goes for both of us," Light said, clenching his jaw. He took a deep breath and mumbled, "Just stay calm . . ."
"Eh? You like talking to yourself?" Akira said, with a dopey grin, as she cradled her chin in her hands and took another drag. "If you wanna take the edge off, I got a guy on speed dial that can help you out after the show."
A vein on Light's forehead pulsed. He finally shouted to Kagome, "Just buzz in already! You know this one!"
Nodding, Kagome buzzed in, and then pointed to empty air and shouted, "SIT, BOY!"
A sonic boom emanated from her voice that was at least 5.3 on the Richter scale, knocking everyone onstage but Goku flat.
"Wow!" Goku cried. "Are you part-Sayajin, too? My son Gohan—"
Before he could go any further, Light wobbled to his feet and said, "Let's just try 'Does This Have a Hole in It?' for 200." While he shook his spinning head, the screen displayed a strawberry sprinkled donut. "Does this donut—with a giant hole in the middle—have a hole in it?"
Akira buzzed in.
"Yes?" Light said, with a sigh of relief.
Akira, returning an acid glare, said, "Is it Amane Misa?"
Glancing again at the category and picture, Light blinked. "Huh?"
Bouncing on a restless leg, Akira took one last drag of her cigarette and crushed it into her podium. "That little tart thinks she can horn in on my business. I started years before her, and I'm a heck of a lot cuter."
"What does that have to do with the question?" cried Light.
Akira smirked. "Bet she's some 'hole', right? That's all she's good for."
Light stared, expressionless, and said, "That makes absolutely no sense . . . I think."
Then, Kagome buzzed in.
Growling with anger, Kagome leaned over her podium on tiptoe and yelled, "Inuyashaaaaaaa—"
"You know what? Let's skip the 2nd round and go straight to Final Jeopardy!" said Light, fumbling through his cue cards to the end. "And the category is . . . 'Laser Discs'. Huh? Wait, everybody, just write your names down." Dropping to a low grumble, he added, "and get this over with."
Sirens suddenly blared and the studio was flooded in flashing, red light.
Light yelled over the noise into his earpiece. "Ryuzaki, what's this, a fire alarm?"
Calmly, Ryuzaki replied, "No, it's a Kira alarm. The rules expressly state no full names will be given."
"Oh, r-right, forgot about that," Light said. Dammit!
Akira slapped her buzzer and yelled, "Hey, can I leave yet?"
"No. That was just a fire alarm test, or something," Light said, laughing nervously as the sirens stopped, the normal lighting returned, and the audience's whispers died down. "Instead, for Final Jeopardy, write a question mark. You need to write nothing else, just a question mark, to get this right."
The Jeopardy! theme music played while Goku practiced fighting stances, Kagome plopped her enormous yellow backpack onto the podium and dug through it, and Akira pasted a silly smile on her face, chewed on the back of her pen, and wrote.
"Let's see how you all did," Light said, striding toward Goku when the music finished. "Goku wrote—nothing."
Goku was stunned. "Wasn't I supposed to do the kueistein markku?"
Light slapped his own forehead. "How much did you wager? Nothing. Well, nothing lost, nothing gained but a fake martial arts move," he said, dripping with sarcasm as he turned to Kagome. "How about you, Kagome? Hmmn, also nothing."
Kagome winced and said, "Sorry, I couldn't find a pen."
"Setting aside for the moment how you were supposed to use the podium's pen, you can talk normally?" he replied, mouth gaping.
Blushing, Kagome pulled the brick-heavy backpack onto her shoulder and said, "Yes, but the writers give me a dinky ration of them every day, and now I just ran out, so—Inuyasha!"
"Riiiight," Light said, though he crossed her off his Kill List™. "And last, let's see what Akira managed to come up with."
With a snort, Akira said, "What kind of pansy name is 'Light', anyway? Did your mom dip into the nose candy while she was preggers?"
"What the hell—gah, never mind!" Light cried, summoning all his ability to not blow a gasket. "Your answer was '?' The first correct answer of the show, so at least there's that. And you wagered—what the heck is this?"
The bottom half of Akira's screen rolled back to reveal two sets of diagonal, parallel lines extending from beneath two half-circles; the end result looked like a spread pair of legs.
Akira curved her lips into a sly grin. "Don't play innocent, pretty boy. I heard about the time you spent in lockdown."
At that moment, Goku's tummy released a loud growl; he leapt over the podium, ran to the board, and knocked on the screen with the donut. "Could I have five dozen to go? It's gonna take a whole minute to fly home!"
Steam began to curl from Light's ears. "Well, that's about all the time we have—forever—so good night!"
"Bye-ni!" Akira cried, winking once more her starry wink. That done, she fished for her cell phone and dialed her dealer.
And as soon as the Jeopardy! theme started to play and the closing credits rolled, Light whispered, "Hey, Kagome, can I borrow your pen?"
Hi! This may be the first of many "episodes", but it's still in the planning stage. (Can anyone guess who's Sean Connery?) Also, as my first foray into all of these fandoms as well as my first post in the Death Note category, if I've made any plot/character errors, please be gentle in correcting them. Of course, all the characters are exaggerated. Hope you enjoyed it!