Title: Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition, Episode 2
Word Count: 2,189
Disclaimer: Saturday Night Live, Death Note, Rozen Maiden, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Lucky Star do not belong to me. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.
Characters: Yagami Light, Ryuzaki (L), Suiseiseki, Suigintou, Ikari Shinji, and Kogami Akira
Notes: If at first you don't go insane, try, try again. [Originally published on LiveJournal 5/30/2008]
Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition
Applause rang from the studio audience as glowing stage lights announced the return of Celebrity Jeopardy! from commercial break. Striding onstage once more in his pressed suit to stand beside the game board and face three lousy excuses for contestants, Light had the growing suspicion that the studio was filled with criminals—who knew he might be Kira. Who else would cheer to see a man surrounded by idiots? No matter. He'd find a way to kill them later.
Smiling pleasantly with all his skill, Light bowed and said, "Hello, viewers at home and in our studio audience, to the second round of Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition. I'm your beleaguered host, Yagami Light, and I feel safe in saying that because there's no way our three contestants know what the word 'beleaguered' means."
Light's baby-faced nemesis in this game, Akira, picked her ear wax and retorted, "I don't need to know what 'bellygeared' means to know you're a prick."
"Anyway," Light said, with a cough, "our first contestant, who managed to score an all time low of -80,000 points in the first round—and who, unfortunately, isn't even human," he muttered, under his breath, "is the Rozen Maiden doll, Suiseiseki."
A tiny vein throbbed in the frilly doll's forehead while her eyes, one red and one green, flashed fire. She stomped on her podium and cried, "That's because you keep asking stupid questions, desu!"
"'Stupid is as stupid does'—try to figure that one out," Light said, grinning.
Suiseiseki pouted, mumbling, "Evil human, desu."
Light conveniently ignored her. "In the center is a middle school student and NERV trainee named Shinji. He's in second place with -20,000 because he can never decide if he wants to answer."
"You don't understand!" cried Shinji, eyes misting over as he pounded a fist on his podium. "The only way to prove myself is to pilot the Eva! They only praise me when I pilot the Eva!"
Expressionless, Light glanced over his cue card. "I'm sure they do. Our Double Jeopardy catego—"
Out of nowhere, an ashtray whizzed past Light's nose, missing by a millimeter.
"What the hell?!" Light cried, after the ashtray hit the wall and shattered into glass splinters.
Cradling her chin her hands, Akira opened an invisible compartment in the air and grabbed a new ashtray. "Hey, idiot, you forgot someone."
Light blinked, torn between rage and amazement. "D-did you just throw that at me?!"
"Throw what?" Akira said, waving her long, wide sleeves. Giggling sweetly, she winked and a star flew from her eye. "Hee hee! I'm not good at throwing things."
"Right," Light muttered. "Anyway, our reigning champion, holding steady with her lead of no points, is Lucky Channel's own Akira."
Akira waved her arms again, as if she was conducting an orchestra for Romper Room. "Oha-Lucky~!"
Light continued, "Here are the categories:
OMGWTFBBQ—that was originally going to be 'Acronyms'—
What Does This Button Do?
Songs That Begin With 'The'
An Apple a Day—that's about wise sayings, so we'll just skip it, and
Akira, since you're in the lead, we have to start with you," Light said, barely concealing his sarcasm.
Ignoring Light, Akira frowned at her pinky full of ear wax and flicked it on Shinji. Recoiling in horror at the ear wax on his bland, white shirt, Shinji buried his head in his hands and trembled.
Light groaned. "I mean, Suiseiseki."
Suiseiseki stared at him for a moment. "You're still an evil human, desu."
Clenching his fist and steadying the throbbing vein on his own forehead, Light spun to face the board and said, "How about 'What Does This Button Do?' for 800. The answer is 'The "On" switch'. What does the 'On' switch do?"
To Light's mounting frustration, Suiseiseki played with her hair ribbon, Shinji hugged himself, and Akira fiddled with her eye boogers; but then, Suiseiseki suddenly flushed with inspiration and buzzed in.
"Yes?" Light sighed.
Suiseiseki cheerfully grabbed a large, wooden case out of a subspace pocket, rummaged inside it, and produced a golden key. Dozens of pink sparkles surrounded her in her joy as she shouted, "Here's an 'on' switch, desu!"
Light glared at her, his eyes burning with a small, yet growing hate. "Every moment, I understand less and less what you're talking about. Anyone else? Shinji?"
But Shinji still stared, transfixed, at his buzzer.
Does he think the thing's going to come to life and eat him? Light thought, but instead, he said, "Come on, what does the 'On' switch do?"
Akira tugged a fresh cigarette out of a pack with her lips, and then buzzed in.
"Great," Light said, surprised at his own relief. "What's the answer?"
Wiggling the cigarette in her mouth, she said, with a muffled laugh, "Gimme a light, would ya? Get it? Light?"
Light slumped forward. "Yes, actually, I do. I'm the only one who gets anything around here."
"Don't be so sure," replied Akira, winking, though this wink was far more seductive. "Just ask your dad. He's hot for an old fart, and pretty damn good—if you know what I mean."
Light's writing hand twitched. "Let's move on to—"
"So that's the way it's going to be?" cried Shinji, out of nowhere. He flushed so red, it looked like he was on the verge of an aneurysm. "You're just going to ignore me like everyone else does? I didn't ask to come here! You think I'm useless—"
This must be L's plan to break me, Light thought, rubbing his sinuses. He's psychotic enough—"Shinji, you didn't press your buzzer."
Hopping onto Shinji's shoulder and giving him a light slap in the face, Suiseiseki chimed in, "The evil human's right, desu!" She chortled softly, and added, "Bet your tree's smaller than Jun's, desu. You're such a pathetic human that weeds are choking it, desu!"
Shinji bent forward and dug his nails into the podium.
"Before we're interrupted again, let's try 'Say "ahh"' for 10,000," Light said, straining his last nerve to keep his voice steady. "The answer is, 'Say "ahh"'. I repeat, all you have to do is open your mouth, breathe in, breathe out, and make the sound, 'ahh'."
Suiseiseki jumped onto Shinji's buzzer and buzzed. "Oooooo—"
The last nerve snapped in Shinji, who grabbed Suiseiseki's neck with both hands and started shaking her. Immediately, familiar red flashes and sirens went off in the studio.
Gritting his teeth, Light shouted over the noise into his earphone. "Ryuzaki, what's with the Kira alarm? It's not Kira this time!"
Ryuzaki gulped several times before answering. Light frowned. The metal clicks on the other end made it painfully obvious that the renowned detective was slurping a sundae. "Don't worry," Ryuzaki finally said, "it's just to defuse the situation."
Seconds later, Shinji released Suiseiseki and clapped his ears shut. "Stop it! It's the Angels!"
Quickly recovering, Suiseiseki reached into her invisible storage space, whipped out a golden watering can, and whacked it across Shinji's head. As soon as he slumped onto his podium, unconscious, the blaring sirens faded to silence. Suiseiseki took the opportunity to make faces at him, while Akira, in a rare show of support, made a few vulgar gestures that had to be blurred onscreen.
"Light, before you continue," Ryuzaki added, between licking noises, "I find it interesting that you were so sure that violent episode didn't involve Kira. But don't let that concern you; the chances of you being Kira are only up by 1%. By the way, you should try this crushed Oreo topping. It's very good."
Light grumbled to himself and breathed deeply through his nose. Son of a—
"I'd better get paid extra for this," Akira mumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Just pick the next category," Light snapped.
Lighting her cigarette, Akira blew a lazy smoke ring, and then said, "Okay, okay. I'll take 'A Nipply Day' for 800."
"Where do you see that?" said Light, who scanned the board, knitting his brow in confusion. The reason soon became clear. "Wait, you idiot, that's 'An Apple a Day'!"
Akira gave him a smug grin and lifted her dirty ashtray like a shot put. "Looks like 'A Nipply Day' to me."
Light's mouth opened and shut several times before muttering, "Whatever, let's just get this over with. The answer is—oh no . . . ."
A bright blue square revealed the answer: "The Pen is Mightier".
Suiseiseki puffed her cheeks with excitement and buzzed in.
Light nearly collapsed as all tension drained from him. Running his fingers through his hair, he said, "Phew, that was close. Yes?"
Striking a victorious pose with her hands on hips, Suiseiseki cried, "Father, desu!"
Light stroked his chin in thought, wondering if fudging the rules would make the damn show end already. "Hmm, Bulwer-Lytton did have children—"
To his shock, Akira spit out her cigarette and smacked the buzzer so hard it cracked. "What kind of idiot do you think I am?"
"E-excuse me?" Light stammered. "Bulwer-Lytton—"
Akira snorted. "Who's Bulwer-Lytton? The guy was Sean Connery."
Light longed to get his hands on the Death Note—or vomit.
"Look, just because you missed out on The Penis Mightier doesn't mean you need to get your panties in a wad, pretty boy," Akira said, jerking a thumb toward Shinji, who was still draped over his podium and drooling. "The uke's out cold. He won't know the difference."
Through gritted teeth, Light said, "Bulwer-Lytton's quote reads, 'The pen is mightier than the sword.' It was a line from a play, and it means the written word can be used to much greater effect than any weapon. It has the power to influence, persuade, dominate, manipulate, and even determine the minute details of your miserable, painful dea—" He gasped, realizing what he was about to say. Dammit! "I m-mean . . . ."
The communicator in Light's ear crackled to life.
"Interesting speech, Light," said Ryuzaki. "Please continue."
As Light gave a nervous laugh, several drops of sweat slid down his cheek. "Let's skip to Final Jeopardy!, okay?"
Just then, Shinji woke up. Lifting himself onto his feet, he staggered, shook his head, and wiped his mouth clean.
"Oh, great," Akira muttered. "Welcome back, Drama Queen."
Suiseiseki shrank behind her podium and batted her lashes at Light. "Don't let the evil human get me, desu!"
"Wow, what a studio!" Shinji cried. To everyone's surprise, a huge smile spread across his face as he blinked and gaped at the multicolored lights and the camera crew. "I wonder where Rei, Asuka, and the others are." Spotting Light, Shinji bowed and said, "Sir, excuse me, but have you seen my friends? We were separated when the Angel showed up, so I'm kinda worried about them."
Light arched an eyebrow. "Suiseiseki, how hard did you hit him?"
With a snort, Akira lifted her skirt, removed a flask strapped to her thigh, and then proceeded to chug it. "Nah, he beamed in an alternate version of himself. So sweet, it makes me wanna puke."
"Forget it, we were about to announce Final Jeopardy!, anyway," Light continued, deciding to repair his damaged brain later. "The category is 'Stick Your Tongue Out'. Just do what it says—and remember this is a family show. First, Suiseiseki—"
But Suiseiseki, having crept into view, was busily munching on the brownish gray contents of a plastic baggie.
Draining the last of her flask, Akira felt around and said, woozily, "Hey—hic!—where'd my mushroom stash go?"
As if on cue, Suiseiseki choked, spun three times, and collapsed. Lying splayed on her back with her tongue hanging out, she would have looked comical if a brilliantly shining crystal had not zoomed out of her chest.
Light jumped back and shielded his eyes from the light—in a classic case of irony. "Gah!"
"Does that power the Evangelion?" Shinji asked, reaching toward the crystal to poke it.
"Hey, you, you're kinda hot," Akira slurred in Shinji's ear, apparently having other things on her mind. Despite his blushing, stammering, and squirming, she threw her arms around his neck and said, "C'mere—"
Before Akira could molest Shinji, however, a torrent of black feathers swirled onstage, battering cast and crew and freeing Shinji from the girl's viselike grip. Malicious giggles filled the air and, before Light could react, a gothic lolita doll flew into the studio and landed on his head. A smile played on her pale face, and she said, "You thought you could defeat me to become Alice? Now you're junk! Ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . !"
"Hey, what the hell—" Light spluttered.
Stuffing his mouth with another rain of feathers, the silver haired doll swooped over the overdosed Suiseiseki, snatched her crystal, and flew away. Within moments, her peals of laughter faded into silence.
"Ha! That's an Eva?" Akira laughed, making everyone jump, "So you—hic!—pilot a doll, Shinj? You're a perv from NERV. Heh, nervy perv . . . ."
Light spit the feathers from his mouth and knocked them out of his ears, defeated. "Goodnight."