Okay, I will be updating 'Scars' soon, don't worry. I just got this idea and really wanted to write this.
Uchiha Sasuke's diary, Bridget Jones style.
Thursday 6 December
Hours training 3, Body: well-toned, Hair condition: nice and silky, Sake bottles 1, Emo poems 3, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 24 (v. good)
12.35 p.m. Aargh. Cannot believe had to endure three hours of Haruno's non-stop nattering. Was forced to partner up with her when that bastard, Kakashi, showed up late and instantly grabbed Naruto's arm. Something about the way he grabbed the dobe's arms instantly pissed me off, and I knew instinctively that the rest of the day would not be going well.
'Sasuke-kun' he yodeled in a very annoying voice. 'Be Sakura-chan's sparring partner today, won'tcha? I have something important to teach Naruto today.' These words immediately sent me in a hailstorm of depression, whereas aforementioned nattering woman and dobe looked excited. Those bitches.
So was forced to train for three hours with a very out-of-shape woman with annoyingly neon pink hair. Fluttering her eyelashes about like a twit. Finally managed to mumble something about plotting revenge and left.
5 p.m. Does life get any worse? The dobe just popped by and announced that there is a 'group dinner' at Ichiraku's – no doubt his suggestion. Think will write another depressing poem before going.
9 p.m. 'Group dinner' horrible. Immediately had a bad start when I realized that Haruno would be sitting next to me. The dobe had first claimed the seat next to mine, but had 'volunteered' to give up his seat so that Haruno could slide in, giggling. I noticed that her cheeks were tinted a ridiculous shade of pink. She doesn't need any more pink; her hair does enough for her. Sometimes wish was perfectly incapable to notice stupid details, but this sharingan is such a nuisance. It's hard being a genius gifted with an exclusive, very rare kekkei genkai.
Anyway. Had to endure disgusting meal of ramen (which I absolutely hate) while simultaneously dealing with Haruno's over-pinkness, and having to shield myself against the splashes of soup tumbling out of the dobe's bowl. Looked up at him, scowling, as he sat there, slurping away, oblivious to the disgusted looks other guests were sending his way. Couldn't stand the way he was chewing and smacking his lips together. Something about it made me feel uncomfortable and eager at the same time, for an unknown reason. Managed to shove the noodles into my mouth, mumble something about plotting revenge (again) and ran out.
In bed and it's only 10.35 p.m. Think will watch cheerful movie to lift up spirit. Perhaps The Exorcist?
Saturday 8 December
Hours training 2, Body: great, Hair: Silky, Sake bottles 2, Emo poems 5, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 10 Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto dead 25, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto's hair 14 (v. bad!)
7 p.m. Absolutely depressed. Went to flower shop today to buy flowers for family's gravestones. Was utterly surprised to see Yamanaka Ino swinging her dumb ponytail around behind the counter, but kept face smooth and eyes shielded. After all, have reputation as 'hot sexy genius-who-is-collected-at-all-times'. And even though I couldn't care less about something like that, I still have to hold up my reputation.
Anyway as soon as Yamanaka saw me she dropped the flowers she was holding. What a ditz. And she said, in a voice that was supposed to be seductive but what really sounded like a braying donkey, 'Sasuke-kuuuuun? What brings you to our shop today?'
Ignored her like usual, of course. Of course she kept dithering around me and fawning over my shoulders to see what I was doing. Immediately felt annoyed and gave her a glare. Cue reddening of cheeks and fluttery hands. Bought damn flowers, threw money on top of the counter, and rushed out.
Unfortunately met the dobe on the way to the graves. And he was being very, very annoying, because he was in a good mood.
'Hey, temeeee!' He shrieked. Ignored him. What is it with blondes and saying annoying things? First Yamanaka with her purple shirt that makes her look fat, and now Uzumaki Naruto popping up and grinning that stupid grin.
But when he popped his head out towards me, I noticed that his hair was more of a gold colour, though, instead of just an annoying yellow like I thought before. God, this sharingan is really bothering the hell out of me, picking up completely irrelevant details like the warm gold colour of the dobe's hair, and how it gently nestled against his forehead, dipping towards big, innocent blue eyes…
What the hell?
'Sasuke! Helloooo, Sasuke!' The voice broke me out of my musings. Glared up at him.
'What do you want, utsuradonkatchi?' I muttered.
'Kakashi-sensei taught me an ultra-cool new jutsu! Just meee! And he said he's not going to teach it to youuuu!' And with a stupid laugh, he ran off, and hopefully smashed his head into a wall or something.
After that, got really depressed. Started thinking about his hair again, for some twisted reason. Then started thinking about brother, which made me almost want to slit my wrists. Tried to write poetry but was too depressed to hold a pen, so instead, satisfied myself by imagining me breaking his fingers, one by one, while he cried out in pain and blood was running down all over his body. It was actually a lot more satisfying than writing a poem. May try more of this in the future.
Tuesday 11 December
Hours training 5, Body: v. dirty and sweaty, Hair: uncombed but still sexy, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 2, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi's rotting corpse 25, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto's face 39 (v. v. bad)
9.50 a.m. Dobe just popped by asking me if I carried any instant ramen, moaning that he was famished (was slightly impressed – didn't know his vocabulary extended that far). Apparently he ran out of money and couldn't buy any more until next month. Muttered that I don't carry something as filthy as instant ramen, and, out of the kindness of my heart, thrust into his hands a platter of rice balls. Instead of politely leaving, the dobe barged in through the door, stuffed his mouth, and flung himself on my couch.
'Let's watch TV!' he shouted with his mouth half-full. Flecks of rice were dotted around his mouth. Charming.
Unfortunately, lapsed into some delusional train of thought where dobe began to pick them off one by one and place into his own mouth, suggestively. Reached the part where he began to swirl his tongue around his own pinky, where I managed to knock myself out of self-induced stupor.
Think something may seriously be wrong with me. Perhaps the water I'm drinking is poisonous, or… or the house is full of air saturated with drugs, or am being too influenced by occasional sentences glanced at from Kakashi's stupid porn novels.
Sneakily glanced at dobe if he had noticed anything, but instead, he'd flicked the television set on. As I watched, out strolled out a trio of what I hesitate to call 'females'. They looked more like human-sized cockroaches, especially with their annoying knack of having their own 'colour-scheme'. They belted out something along the lines of 'Powerpuff girls! Saving the universe!' or something as equally lame. Come to think of it, it was slightly similar to all the lame and absurd things Naruto said whenever we met someone who was supposed to be our enemy – and they somehow always turned 'good' after hearing his lecture.
The pink one was especially getting on my nerves. I have to deal with Haruno and pink-ness almost constantly, and now this human-sized cockroach was assaulting my eyes with this blaring, obnoxious outfit. Perhaps they share a stylist. Perhaps if I killed said stylist, my eyes could finally be at peace.
Suddenly heard the sound of snoring. Groaned slightly and looked over the couch. The dobe had sunk to the floor, asleep, so was able to gingerly lower self onto couch without fear of contamination of his idiocy. Found self staring at his hair again. It really was a smooth golden colour… then eyes suddenly strayed towards his face. His skin had the glow of a permanent, natural tan, and looked soft, nearly as smooth as mine. Suddenly felt urge to touch it, but resisted. Unfortunately, spotted a piece of rice still stuck on his face, so instinctively lowered hand to pull it off.
Fingers accidentally brushed his lips. Immediately froze. Drew hand back rapidly and looked to see if he had realized anything. By the sounds of snoring, deduced that he hadn't. Left the piece of rice stuck on his face and nearly ran into bedroom.
To calm self down, began to imagine what Uchiha Itachi's face would look like, when he realized I had punctured a hole through his body and was in the process of tearing out his organs. If he even has organs, the bastard.
11.30 a.m. Was almost in state of happiness when the dobe burst into the room. 'Sasukeee! You just left me sleeping there!'
'Hn,' I muttered. At the sight of that damned piece of rice still stuck on his face, heart began to accelerate. 'You can leave now, dobe.' This came out a little harsher than I'd meant, and saw the dobe's eyes instantly narrow.
'Fine, I will!' he shouted. 'I was going to invite you to have lunch with me, but I don't want to hang out with bastards with kunais shoved up their asses!' Found myself keeping an eye on him as he left the compound. Eyes unexpectedly strayed towards his backside… no, no. Must resist such strange notions.
Perhaps it is because of all these happy feelings I experience when I think of Uchiha Itachi's dead, decomposing body hanging from the main Uchiha entrance. Those happy feelings must be screwing with my mind, making thoughts that wouldn't normally occur, occur. Perhaps must return to writing poems.
4 p.m. He was a bastard,
A red-eyed, dirty bastard,
And I can hardly wait,
To foster my hate,
And splinter his nails,
And cook his liver,
And place his head on my pedestal,
10 p.m. Went out and trained till nearly collapsed. Bedtime!
Can't find teddy bear. Damn.
Wednesday 12 December
Hours training 0, Body: sucks, Hair: limp, Sake bottles 7, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi 0, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 205 (horrible), Number of minutes spent telling self not to think about Uzumaki Naruto 485 (v. v. bad!)
6.30 a.m. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Had awful dream where Uzumaki Naruto stepped out of a shower wearing nothing but a silk scarf tied around his waist. The silk scarf was adorned with little Uchiha fans all around the hem. He looked like some kind of private prostitute for the Uchiha clan. The worst thing was that the scarf was wet, making it stick to his body, and since it was wrapped around his waist, of course the part of his body it was plastered against was his… his…
Can't bear to think about it any longer. Okay, one more bottle of sake and going right back to sleep.
His eyes were so blue, and his skin looked all slick and smooth, rivulets of water running down his thighs…
Pants suddenly feeling tight. Shit, shit, shit.
Thursday 13 December
Hours training 2, Body: fit and muscular, Hair: nicely spiked, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 4, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 476, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 39 (number will definitely decrease)
3 p.m. Fabulous day. While raiding Uchiha Itachi's room this morning, found 3,000 yen rolled up, pathetically hidden behind the bedpost. Nearly laughed as I counted his money; intend to spend it in the most ludicrous way and completely waste it. Wish could see his face when I tell him I spent his money – as a matter of fact, will write it down in the list of things I intend to tell him when I finally meet him, and kill him. Some things in the list are: 'Mother always told me that my flower-arranging was much more artistic than yours,' 'Everyone says that I'm better looking than you were at my age,' and 'I burned your favourite pillow when you left.'
Off to the store now. Lalala.
4.45 p.m. Mad enough to spit fucking fire out of my mouth and burn half the village. Have uncontrollable desire to run through house, smashing items and tearing the fucking curtains. Nearly ripped apart a squirrel and tore the wings off a fucking dumb bird who had the audacity to fly in front of me.
The money was fucking fake.
Friday 14 December
Sake bottles 29, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 1,038,284
9 a.m. Face still flames red when thinking about awful encounter with goddamn store owner. The fat bastard.
It is just like that bastard Uchiha Itachi to hide fake money around his room. I can see him smiling now in that patronizing older-brother way… feel like throwing up.
I will DESTROY him.
Saturday 15 December
Sake bottles 11, Emo poems 36, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 204,184, Number of thoughts concerning burning down the store, 103
4 p.m. If this gets around Konoha, then will surely become laughing-stock of the century. Can't bear to think how obnoxious Uzumaki Naruto will be. I can just imagine it now – 'ha ha, you idiot, I can't believe you didn't realize that you were holding fake money!'
Oh god, must find way of permanently shutting the mouth of that fat storekeeper. Perhaps will threaten to tear out his eyes and kill his entire family?
Monday 18 December
Hours training 3, Body: S.E.X.Y, Hair: Spiky-licious, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of happy thoughts 305
2.30 p.m. Damn good mood. Was able to venture out to town, wary of smiling faces or sudden bursts of laughter from anyone around me, but strangely encountered none. On the streets, passed by fat storeowner. And even though I instantly froze, managed to keep face calm and raised level of death glare to maximum. Eyes met – and the fat man instantly turned pale and left the vicinity.
Success, success. Knew death glare was effective, but didn't know it was this good. Anyways, storeowner now knows of his immediate death if word of the incident should ever get out.
Was in such a good mood that when I bumped into the dobe, managed to walk around with him for five minutes without wanting to kill him, as opposed to previous two minutes and twenty seconds. This is an improvement.
Wednesday 19 December
Hours training 10, no 11… lost count, Body: sweaty, Hair: tousled, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 1, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi 192, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto, 1204
10.30 a.m The dobe just popped by asking me if I wanted anything for Christmas.
Christmas? What kind of nonsense is that?
I 'hnn-ed' and said that I didn't care to celebrate anything as stupid as Christmas. As the dobe didn't seem to understand, I patiently explained that every 'Christmas', I sit around contemplating the best angle in which to run Itachi through with a katana.
The blonde idiot kept on badgering me, until I told him to go away, leave me alone. Was surprised to see him turn away without protesting, but suddenly he turned around again.
'Look, Sasuke-teme,' he muttered. His eyes were pointed down on the floor as if there was something interesting happening. I looked down as well. Nothing but an ant, which I immediately squashed with my foot.
And it was here that he started to squirm. 'Well, I, uh, you know… I know that you, uh, like me don't really have, um… well, company during, you know… Christmas… and I was just thinking that since we're, well, teammates, after all, we should, like, stick together…' I squinted, confused.
'Dobe. What are you saying?'
'Well, you know, if you happen to feel um… alone on Christmas… feel free to, um… spendthedaywithme,' and here he immediately zoomed away.
Slowly shut the door. Suddenly had image of the dobe and I sitting side by side, drinking champagne while it snowed. A pair of antlers were fastened onto his hair… he looked kind of… adorable…
Viciously shook head, then ran out onto training grounds and trained like there was no tomorrow.
Sunday 23 December
Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 31,204,034…
6 p.m. Had biggest shock of entire life.
Spent the day happily dobe-free, trying to refrain from thinking about his hair, his eyes, his mouth, or anything pertaining to the idiot. Was able to avoid Haruno as she skipped by with a huge bag carrying what suspiciously seemed like a huge amount of cosmetics, and even managed to hide from Kakashi as he ambled into the bookstore.
Was about to go home and enjoy the rest of this perfect day, when suddenly realized that the dobe had borrowed my copy of The Ring. Why the dobe would borrow this movie I don't know, as he doesn't have the balls to sit through even five minutes of 'scary movies'… but had lent it to him nonetheless. Felt tremendous need to watch it tonight, so steeled self and went in the direction of the dobe's apartment.
Could hear girlish giggling when I came to his door. Paused, slightly freaked out, then hesitantly knocked.
'Who is it?' trilled a voice that I distinctly recognized as the shrill sound of Haruno Sakura.
The door flung open. For a second, we both stood silently, then she beamed. 'Oh, Sasuke-kun! Why didn't you say you were coming?'
'Teme!' heard panicked voice of dobe coming from the inside of the house.
'Dobe. I came by to pick up my movie.'
'D-Don't come in! I'll get it to you later! I'll get it to you later, so, so, uh, don't come in!'
Was really extremely pissed. I'd walked all the way to his house to get my movie, and now he was telling me to go. So I walked in, brushing away Haruno's arm.
'Dobe, when I said I came by to pick up my movie, I meant that I would pick up my… uh…'
The dobe was sitting on the floor. Arrayed in a frilly, very short black dress that revealed his long, slender legs. His hair was bunched up in two pigtails with large black bows, and his blue eyes were outlined with black lines, whisking up away from his eyes, exactly like a cat.
'Shit, Sasuke! I told you not to – this isn't what it looks like! It's not, it's just, Sakura-chan was just, you know – '
One part of my brain was listening to the dobe's frantic explanations, but a much, much larger part of it was focusing on the way his mouth, his red, wet mouth, shaped the words. Suddenly felt dizzy.
Hurriedly mumbled something about plotting revenge, and left as fast as I could.
9 p.m. Oh god. Took three consecutive cold showers but body still feeling feverish.
11 p.m. Just why the hell was he dressed like that?
12.30 a.m. So that's why Haruno had that bag with her.
2.20 a.m. Startled. Completely startled. Just had a dream. The dobe sauntered over to me in an alarmingly sexy way, still dressed up in that outfit… came to me and… knelt on his knees… he'd slowly taken off my pants and had spread those delicious-looking lips open… wider and wider as he prepared to take me into his mouth…
Woke up when I felt sticky liquid against my thighs. Realized that entire surface of bed was covered with cum.
3 a.m. What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's going to be a very short fic, only a couple of chapters. I just thought I'd try out something new.
Did you like it?