Tuesday 1 January

Hours training, 0, Hair: meh, Body: meh, Number of sake bottles downed, 4, Number of times just about to have wild sex with Naruto 1, Number of times had wild sex with Naruto 0, Number of times imagined ripping off Rock Lee's eyebrows 3253

1 a.m. Cannot quite believe what has happened.

Cannot quite believe that only a few hours ago, I was thisthisthis close to ravishing the dobe senseless.

Cannot quite believe that I was actually thwarted by, of all people, goddamn bushy-brows.

2 a.m. Damn that piece of shit to hell and back! Feel like ramming a kunai up in his ass triple-wrapped in explosive notes! How dare he cockblock? Does he even have a cock? Probably fucking tiny, probably covered in strands of oddly thick straight hair!

Was getting hot and heavy with the dobe, my hands were reaching down. Like DOWN. He was breathing heavily into my ear and it was fucking amazing, when the door to the dobe's apartment burst open.

We broke apart. The dobe leapt away from me. Was so stunned at the sudden break in contact and stared, mouth-open, at the dobe (Shit! What happened to keeping cool at all times! FML!) for several long seconds – then I turned to glare at the assailant. Eyes were actually blinking red I was so pissed.

"Yo Naruto-san! Ahh, Uchiha-san is here as well! Gomen, gomen for breaking in Naruto-san, but I knocked on the door and no one answered!" And here bushy brows flashed that obnoxiously white smile of his… ugh.

"H-hey, bushy-brows," stammered the dobe weakly.

Did not greet him of course. Hell, at this point it was greeting enough that was not tossing him and his green jumpsuit off the building.

"Naruto-san!" squealed eyebrows excitedly. "Gai-sensei has had a sudden inspiration! He feels that we, as the vigorous youthful future of Konohagakure, must gather right now for a special Youth Overnight Training Session! He has especially requested that you, as you are overflowing with the Spirit of Youth, must be there!"

Glared at him in stunned exasperation. Clearly Rock Lee's inability as a ninja is not his lack of ninjutsu. It is his lack of ability to assess the most simple of situations. The dobe's lips were swollen, his hair was tousled, his breathing was very, very staggered. Reasonably sure that own lips and hair were in a similar state. OBVIOUSLY two people were about to fuck each other senseless. Anyone else! Anyone else would have recognized and stfu'ed and gtfo'd!

Am thinking that since it is actually impossible for Rock Lee to ever have been, be, or will be, in any kind of sexual entanglement, he was not able to recognize the clear-as-day situation.

We stood in an awkward and completely unwanted triangle. I looked at the dobe through the corner of my eyes. His face was frozen.

Rock Lee's oblivious white smile finally threw me out of my stupor. I opened my mouth to offer bushy brows two choices – to leave with his head intact or without – when the dobe suddenly unfroze and ran into his room.

Then ran out in full training gear.

"Go go dattebayo! Training, training, training!" His mouth was twisted into a rather forced grin.

Rock Lee, the clueless moron that he is, beamed even brighter. "Yosh, Naruto-san! Gai-sensei is right about you, you are flowing with the Spirit of Youth!" He looked in my direction. "Will Uchiha-san join us too? Sensei has said that you have commendable abilities, although you are lacking in the Spirit! If you join us I am sure that you will also flow with Youthful Energy!"

The dobe jumped in before I had a chance to answer. "Sasuke, you're not interested right? Na, bushy-brows, leave Sasuke alone! Let's go!" he grabbed bushy-brows' arm before brows could say anything, and rushed out.

Stood there for a long, long time. Don't know how much time was passed standing stupidly in his apartment, but eventually feet walked itself back to the Uchiha complex.

I am holed up in my room.

2.35 a.m. Why, oh why oh why oh why…. Did the dobe go with bushy? We were in the middle of getting something to happen. Goddammit, he was clearly aroused. Felt it against leg, nearly felt it with hand! The missed opportunity is actually making me cry out.

Not even thinking of gutting Itachi is helping.

Am near feverish thinking about the dobe's reaction, but there is nothing I can do. Masturbating is not going to work, when the real thing was right there in front of me.

3 a.m. Feel like will never sleep again.

Why did he leave? Why did the dobe jump away from me like that? Just look at me, am practically sex god. Can't believe that anyone, much less the dobe, would be immune especially when it was me initiating. Am definitely the most attractive Uchiha, who were in turn the most attractive family in Konoha… So it all stands to reason that I have both males and females panting after every step I take. Am not imagining it, he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Why the fuck did he run away?

Feel like tearing down the walls of neighbours (never liked the Hyuugas, think they're something special with their creepy pale eyes… get yourselves some goddamned colour lenses). Feel like marching up to Youthful Training Camp and lynching jumpsuit duo. Feel like kidnapping Naruto and tying him down to the bed, and then do all manners of delightful things to give him reason to never leave again.

3.28 a.m. God, he was so sexy when he was making those mewling noises. With those swollen lips…

Despite the ridiculous levels of sexual desire between dobe and self, have not yet been able to wrap cock around his ass. Something is utterly, nightmarishly wrong here.

Thursday 3 January

Number of sake bottles 7, Number of hours lurked around Naruto's apartment 2, Number of times threw rocks at people 5, Number of times thought about the dobe… countless, holy shit

1.39 p.m. Had a horrible day yesterday. Could do nothing but think about the dobe. Raided Itachi's room again, desperate attempt to distract self. It did not work.

Went on moody tragic walk and shot Death Glares at anyone who dared to cross my way. Saw a blob of pink ambling towards me but magnified Glare and blob of pink quickly backpedaled.

Was so pissed that bought another tin of ice cream. Binged in a fit of desperation, then threw it all up. Very vile Very Berry flavour. Hate ice cream, ice cream can go melt itself in hell.

Am so depressed thinking about yesterday that can't even train… combined with effects of ice cream and daily sake bottles, body mass will soon equate that of literal fat-ass Chouji. Now that is the nightmare of nightmares. Will never be able to pull off adequate physical exertion in the bedroom with the dobe if self is covered with hanging rolls of fat. Shudder.

5.45 p.m. How dare he leave me like this. This is shameful, I am the Uchiha prodigy! Uchiha prodigies don't go slaving after dobes like lovesick puppies. Uchiha prodigies loftily smirk while perched on thrones, holding on to chained and obedient blonde sex-slaves. Mmm.

Can't figure out why that idiot just rushed out like that. How dare he! Uchiha's do not get walked out on, the only one walking out of that situation was supposed to be Rock Lee!

When I finally manage to track down the dobe's nice round tush, will make him pay for this transgression… with that nicely rounded tush.

Thursday 10 January

Number of hours trained 2, Hair: Meh, Body: Better, Number of hours obsessed about Naruto 5 (this IS an improvement), Number of emo poems 3, Number of new leather pants purchased on desperate shopping spree 4

4.45 p.m. It's been one week and haven't seen hair nor hide of that blonde idiot. Was feeling so depressed that finally succumbed to retail therapy to cheer up self. Actually, pretty bloody pleased with new pairs of leather pants. One of them unzips from behind to reveal tantalizing glimpses of ass, in manner of trashy male hookers and similar. Donned a disguise as bushy-brows while buying them, muahaha.

Think ass looks pretty damn fine in these pants. If I were to ever get the dobe into my bed, he would definitely not be able to resist. Actually, instead of wearing them myself, would prefer to force them on dobe and command him to walk around all day in my apartment, with collared dog chain on his neck. And little fox ears on his head.. Mmmm.

Self has unapologetically fallen into lowest of lows of perv-dom – have gone step below pedophilia into bestiality.

Friday 11 January

Number of hours trained 1, Number of times pranced round house with new pants 3, Number of shurikens polished 46, Number of pins on Itachi voodoo doll 2453, Number of times thought about Naruto 354

10.30 a.m. It cannot be that Naruto is not attracted to me. In fact, look at his obsession with his pervy jutsu. It is undeniable that the dobe has a certain inclination for cross-dressing. The dobe has a thing for boys, no doubt. He's gay! And here I am, number one sexiest male in Konoha. He should be slobbering all over me.

Where the hell can he be?

Sunday 13 January

Number of hours trained 0, Number of sake bottles 2, Number of hours spent polishing katana 4, Number of times vowed to kill Haruno Sakura 89

2.10 p.m. Overcosted by Haruno Sakura. Unfortunately she learned her lesson from the previous week and pounced before I could scare her away with my patented Death Glare.



"Na, haven't seen you in so long!"


"But Ino tells me that she saw you with some shopping bags recently?"


"Why didn't you tell me? I would have looooved to go with you!"


And so the conversation flowed. Don't women get the hint? With me 'hn'-ing at every single one of her ridiculous comments, you would think that she would get it. How is it that she manages to achieve perfect exam scores (me, I am so amazing that I get perfect plus one) yet can be this dense? Am surrounded by idiots on all levels.

"Ne, did something happen with Naruto recently?"

"Hn- what?"

"I met him yesterday and he was perfectly normal, but when I brought up your name (squee!) he went all red and mumbly! What did you do, Sasuke-kun, why is Naruto acting so… not like himself?" she giggled. "I asked him if he was shy about you seeing him with a dress, and then his face was like flaming – "


" – so I said – H-huh, yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"Where is he."

"Um… Not sure…" She looked thrown off by the sudden intensity. "Oh wait, he said something about training today… I'm not sure about the location but –"

Training grounds, training grounds. Threw off her arm – "Wha- Sasu-", and within the space of a heartbeat sped off to locate him.

2.12 p.m. Not here.

2.14 p.m. Not here either.

2.17 p.m. Not here. Fuck this town has too many training grounds.

2.22 p.m. NOT. HERE.

5.34 p.m. The hell? Have gone through mental list of all possible places and have gone round and round just in case he was somewhere I'd already checked. That damned idiot is nowhere to be found. Will burn and stake Haruno Sakura's ass in my garden if she misinformed me. In fact, have half a mind to go over to her house right now and rip the stuffing out of her ridiculous collection of girly pink dolls.

7.58 p.m. Oh my god. The training grounds at the far edge of the Forest. The abandoned ones. Could he possibly be there?

8.06 p.m. Something orange! Something blonde! A burst of excitement propels me even closer to the lone figure. It's. Him. Closer, I can see that he's hitting a target over and over… Damn, he must have been training all week while I was chugging down sake, that traitor! Aim seems to have gotten inordinately better. Wait… wait, that target looks strangely like –

8.07 p.m. "Ah… teme?"

Uzumaki Naruto is in front of me.

"D-dobe," I pant. Ran here so fast that legs are trembling. After being met with disappointment after disappointment, can't quite believe that the dobe is actually in front of me.

"Ehm… what's up?" The dobe raises a sheepish hand and scratches his forehead.

My breath gradually returns to normal, and I look at the dobe. His posture is carefully relaxed. He is sweaty and dirty and looks so damn good that it is not helping the situation. God, this is excruciating… play it cool, play it cool…

Then I look at his face, and while it holds a casual expression, his eyes are stormy. I cannot take this anymore. "I want to know what you're thinking, idiot."


His face darkens and his voice is careful. "Think about what?"

"About what happened a week ago, utsuradonkatchi!"

To my surprise, he sheds the pretense. "That – that happened because… because! It was just that time of the year when you feel damn emotional! I was being a great friend and giving you your damn Christmas present and you jumped me, teme! So let's just… that was just something that happened, forget about it! Yeah!"

The dobe's little rant has me so angry that am blinking red from my eyes. I stride closer to him and he flinches, but doesn't move away. I grab his collar and pull him towards me, glaring. "That's all you gotta say about it, huh?"

He looks like he wants to say something more. Then his eyes flash. "Yeah. Just forget about everything."

I lose my cool entirely and rage, "Fuck you, you idiot. How is it that you are brushing it off so easily when I'm goddamned – when I am goddamn thinking about it and thinking about you everyday? You think I just grabbed you and k-kissed you because it was what, Christmas? Didn't I tell you that every Christmas I sit around and think about how to kill my brother? You think someone like me just grabs anyone at random and makes out with them?"

The dobe looks startled at my outburst. His face grows pink, and even in this godforsaken situation, I'm noticing how cute he is with those stained cheeks. Fuck my hormones.

"God, teme, it happened, it's over! It's not like we felt anything, it's not like we were actually going to… you know…"

"Oh yeah, you didn't feel anything? I'm pretty fucking sure I wasn't imagining it when you were making those sounds and fucking… reacting against me! You think nothing was gonna happen? You think we were going to stop anytime soon? If bushy-brows hadn't come when he did, you think we would be having this conversation right now?" The dobe's face turns a fully red. I can see my own face – angry, disappointed, hurt – reflected in those excruciatingly blue eyes of his.

"You are a guy and I'm a guy, you chicken-haired bastard, why would you make out with me? We're teammates! We're friends! We can't be like that, we are like damn brothers!"

His words are crushing. I explode – "Screw teammates! Screw friends! Screw brothers! You think I haven't tried to look at it that way? You think I just woke up and decided, 'oh, since I have no one to fall in love with, I'll fall in love with the loudest, dumbest ninja in the village'? I'm saying that I, with you, dobe – that I… fuck it… " I trail off.

The dobe's eyes widen. "…what?"

I can't bring myself to say it, especially when the dobe is looking the complete opposite of pleasantly surprised. "Forget about it." I let go of his collar, and push myself back. "Whatever, you want to brush this off, fine, it's dead. But don't you dare deny this, dobe – don't you dare say that I was the only one who felt anything. I damn well know that for at least that moment, the feeling was fucking mutual."

Then I look to the side and realize why that target looks so familiar. I scowl and point.

"You want to forget about me, stop sticking kunais into my crotch, idiot."

11.30 p.m. This is utter bullshit. I left before he could say anything else. Completely blew that situation. How am I supposed to face him again? What do I do, resign from the team?

Cannot believe that I so thoroughly and utterly humiliated myself in front of the dobe. Can't imagine what he would say the next time he sees me. Perhaps he will not want to see me again.

11.45 p.m. It is ridiculous for me to be sitting around moping about the dobe. It's over. Need to get a grip on myself. What happened to me? It's because I have been slacking off with training and slacking off with hating Uchiha Itachi. If he were to see this situation he would laugh his hair off.

"What a pathetic sight you are, little brother…"

Ran out to the yard and kicked some trees down.

12.30 a.m. Right. Cannot be depressed and mope around like an angsty teenage girl. Am man of substance. Am avenger of Uchiha clan. Will be the most ass-kicking ninja the world has ever seen.

Ass… mmm…


1 a.m. Stuck some pins into the 108 voodoo dolls I have of Itachi, then wrote another emo poem. Haven't written these in a while. It is pretty calming.

3.30 a.m. Was actually trying to sleep for the first time in like a week, when someone (who will be very dead, very soon, if they don't go away) started banging on my door.

Surprised that someone actually has the gall to enter the property. The various 'Trespassers will be persecuted' and 'Big hairy dogs in use' signs are a telling sign to leave me the fuck alone. Also the fact that the signs are streaked with blood and there are ancient shriveled heads sitting on pikes usually deters visitors.

Try to ignore the door-pounding. Am in no mood to deal with, in all probability, drunk Kakashi.

4 a.m. Unbelievable. Person refuses to go away. What idiot bangs on someone's door for half an hour, at 4 am in the morning?

Cannot take this any more. Stomp over to the door and rip it open.

4.01 a.m. "You are fucking dead y- what? Naruto?"

Am frozen in shock. The dobe is standing outside my door.

"Goddammit, asshole! Answer the door when someone is knocking!"

Am too confused and annoyed to feel awkward. "What kind of moron goes to someone's house at 4 am? Should have realized that it was you. What do you want?"

He huffed, "Shut up and let me in. I've been out here for half an hour and it's damn freezing." He brushes past me and into my house. Out of reaction I close the door and walk back in, but the confusion starts swirling in my mind – what is he doing here? Why is he sitting in my chair? Why is he sniffing at my umeboshi – wait! Why is he eating my umeboshi?

"You better pay for that, Naruto, and why are you here at 4 am in the morning?"

"What is this, a restaurant? I'm starving because a stuck up chicken-head left me banging the door for half an hour." The entire plate is gone in a manner of seconds.

The initial moment passes, and I find myself staring awkwardly at him. This sucks.

I start walking back to my bedroom.

"Yo, teme."

Turn and find him looking at me with this unreadable expression on his face. Suddenly feel rather embarrassed. Am reasonably sure that hair is scruffed and face is sunken with exhaustion.

"What do you want?" I glare at him.

"Finish what you were saying earlier."

That… is not what I was expecting to hear.

"What do you mean finish what I was saying earlier? That conversation… it's over. It's done with."

He stands up. "What were you about to say to me?"

I can't do this again. "I said everything I needed to say to you." Remembering the way he tried to shrug it off pisses me off. Can feel my eyes flickering red again. Shit, at this rate, will really be able to achieve mangekyou by killing the best friend.

He sighs. "Cut it off with the freaky sharingan thing, you stiff bastard. Listen. I thought about it."

I sneer. "You thought about what? Wow, dobe, I am impressed, I never thought I'd see you actually thinking about something…"

"Shut up, teme! Don't make this more difficult than it is! I've been thinking! I've been thinking… Okay, this is awkward. What you said. Or what you were going to say to me. I need to hear it." His eyes are intense.

Am rather confused by this strange turn of events. It is both compelling and annoying that the dobe is here in the middle of the night demanding a second extraction of what I feel. I can avoid it and close the door on him. But yet again, the words tumble out.

"You know what I was going to say. I'm not going to repeat myself again only to have it all thrown back in my face," I spit out. His expression flickers, and he opens his mouth – but says nothing.

A long minute passes. His eyes unreadable. My mind is cloudy and I don't know what the hell is going on. Finally, I force myself to talk.

"If that's all you wanted, you can leave, utsuradonkatchi." I stride inside my room and I turn to slide the door closed –

I don't know how the dobe moved that fast, but a second ago he was sitting on the chair and in the next, he is in front of me. He grabs me and tips his head up, and awkwardly crushes his mouth against mine.

The force of his attack tumbles us both to the ground. He gasps for air, and swears – "Fuck!" – and crushes his mouth against me, again. Our teeth clash painfully, our tongues gag one another. My fingers fly up and clench into his hair, I fight for control – the force of our desperation is making the ground splinter. My mind is reeling.

"Na-Naruto," I breathe. Pulling hungrily on my bottom lip, Naruto glances into my darkened eyes – and I'm thrown by the predatory look in his.

"Teme…" he clumsily slips his hand into the gap in my yukata and I grind into him – the feel of his arousal, the feel of mine, makes his eyes cloud over. I struggle up and slam him down beneath me, and frantically tear off his clothes. Struggling out, we are now skin next to skin. The flush of his naked skin is driving me crazy. My hands are touching everywhere they can – I cannot get enough of this sensation.

He hooks his leg behind mine and flips me over. I groan when my back hits the floor. The bed is too far, this will have to do, splinters be damned.

"Sasuke…" he whispers into my ear. I stiffen when he breathes on my earlobe. Our eyes meet. For all his inexperience, and for all of mine, we are locked in by rage and passion. I am utterly trapped in this dobe. I can't look away, I can't breathe. All I can do is stare desperately into his eyes.

"Sasuke…" his mouth descends on my neck. I moan.

He slings an arm under my back and hauls me up. My arms strike out instinctively for balance – wrapping around him, we tumble to the floor again. He is behind me, I can feel him harden against my back and then –

"Teme…" he breathes. "Bend over."

That sentence spikes through my cloud of euphoria.

Teme… Bend over.



It's been three years. I disappeared off the face of Fanfiction . Net but this story had always been on the back of my mind.

You may notice inconsistencies between this chapter and the first two… Frankly, this third chapter is a lot less funny. Forgive me, my writing style has changed and the initial quirky drive for this story is difficult to capture. You will notice the difference of characterization, especially with Naruto. My preference for effeminate, weak Naruto is all but gone. Sure, he can be beautiful, but to be so feminine, passive and helpless against a dominant Sasuke is completely opposite from what he is really is.

The next chapter will not be three years in coming.

Thank you for coming back to this story.