Disclaimer – I own none of the Stargate franchise.
Okay… I have no idea where this story came from. All I know is I was trying to get to sleep and suddenly it popped into my head, almost fully formed. I kept laughing just thinking about it, and had to write it right then. It was 11.07pm when I started and 1.26am when I finished. So rest assured it's totally insane. And I doubt anyone will find it as funny as I do.
Please let me know what you think of my midnight ramblings!
The Tiresius Problem
The first rays of the sunrise found a gap in John Sheppard's curtains and fell across the bed, but it didn't wake him up. John Sheppard was already awake, and deeply engrossed in his newest hobby.
He called it 'Teyla Exploring'.
John was on his side, propped up on one elbow, concentrating on his free hand as it slid across Teyla Emmagen's bare stomach. He'd always thought her skin was like chocolate, and he'd discovered in the last few weeks that it really was – smooth as silk and oh-so-sweet to taste.
His hand reached her side and dipped down so his fingertips were grazing the sheets underneath her. He slid his palm along her side, down towards her waist, and raised his eyes to meet hers. She was watching him, her eyelids heavy, her arms stretched up above her head. The sheet covering her and John was draped over her hips, and one leg was bent slightly, reminding John of more contours for him to explore next. When their eyes met Teyla gave him a slow, satisfied smile, and John's hand stilled.
She was just so, so beautiful.
"Have you not 'explored' enough for one night?" She teased him.
John shook his head. "It's never enough," he said seriously, starting to move his hand again. He slid his palm over her hip and across her thigh, and grinned as Teyla's breath caught in her throat. He prepared himself for what would come next.
"John… stop – I have to go…"
She always tried to leave way too early in the mornings. And John always stopped her the same way.
Teyla knew it was coming, but she still burst out laughing as John snatched back his hand and dramatically flung his upper body across her stomach, pinning her underneath him. He shook his head vigorously.
"Really John… I do!"
Her fingernails raking through his hair and across his shoulders told John otherwise. He pushed himself up so he was on all fours with her underneath him, and leant back on his heels. He started kissing his way across her stomach, following the same route his hand had just taken. He felt Teyla sigh and clench her hands in his hair.
Oh yeah – there could never be enough Teyla Exploring.
Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God. Why? Why me? Why us? How could this HAPPEN? What kind of messed up, sicko reality is this? What are we going to –
Weird. So so so so SO weird.
"John, look at me."
"John – it's not so bad. Rodney said he can turn us back –"
"Tomorrow, Teyla! He can turn us back tomorrow. Until then we're… we're… oh God."
John finally turned to face Teyla. She was sitting on the edge of her infirmary bed, watching him pace with a perfectly calm expression on her face.
Except it wasn't her face. It was his. His face. His voice when she talked.
John clenched his fists. Her fists. This. Was. So. Messed. Up.
Teyla sighed, and John looked away again. It was strange to hear such a girlie sound coming from, well, him. Sure, he sighed every now and then, but not like that. Right? Right.
"I would have thought you would be happy with your new… circumstances."
John's eyes widened and his (her?) head snapped back round to face Teyla. "Why would you think that?" He asked.
Teyla gave him a small impish smile. John had never realised until that moment that he had an impish smile. "Well…" she said, still smiling. "It will certainly be easier for you to go Teyla Exploring."
John's jaw dropped, and Teyla started to giggle. "I can not believe that you just… you really think I'd… stop giggling, it's weird!"
Teyla grinned at him. "Giggling is weird?"
"It is when it's coming from… me." He scowled, and Teyla's grin widened. At least she stopped giggling.
John shook his head. "How can you make jokes about this?"
Teyla sighed again. "If after tomorrow we are still like this, then I shall worry," she said calmly. "But Rodney says he can turn us back, and I believe him."
"If this machine of his works," John said darkly. Rodney was having some kind of machine that made people swap bodies sent over from Earth. Apparently SG-1 found it years ago and had a bit of a body-swap bonanza. Thank God the new Midway Station was up and running, or they'd be stuck like this for weeks. John shuddered at the thought.
"What are we meant to do for the rest of the day?" John complained now.
Teyla shrugged and jumped off the bed with a lot more grace than he'd managed a few minutes before – he'd forgotten that he was much shorter, and had almost fallen flat on Teyla's pretty face.
"We will just go about our normal business, John," Teyla said. "We are still us."
"Just with an interesting twist," said John bitterly.
Teyla arched an eyebrow but didn't reply as at that moment Dr Keller came back over to tell them they were free to go.
John ended up spending most of the day shut up in his room. News that he and Teyla had accidentally swapped bodies while exploring Ancient ruins off-world had spread like wildfire through the city, and everywhere John went there were people following him. Seriously – he'd walk into a room, people would start speaking into their radios in what they obviously thought were surreptitious manners, and five minutes later there would be five times as many people there. John was so not in the mood to deal with the attention.
Plus, Rodney and Ronon were finding the whole thing way too funny. At first, Rodney had been pretty frantic, trying to figure out what had happened, but John knew this was only because he had been about to breathe fire when the 'incident' first occurred. But once they'd ascertained the ruins were almost totally defunct and would take weeks to figure out anyway, and once he'd remembered that machine on Earth, he'd cheered up and found the funny side of the situation.
Ronon had started laughing the second it had happened, and he had yet to stop.
So, John was also avoiding them, because he didn't want to break Teyla's hands by beating the crap out of the two of them.
John's room was pretty dark and he was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling when his door chimes rang. He groaned and frowned through the darkness at the door. There was only one person he would even consider talking to right now.
"John? It's me."
So. Damn. Weird.
John got up and went and opened the door. Sure enough, there stood Teyla, still in his body, smiling at him. He stood back to let her in and turned on the lights as the door slid shut behind her.
"You weren't at dinner, so I brought you a sandwich," said Teyla, holding out a turkey sandwich. John's stomach growled at the thought of food, and he saw Teyla fight a smile. Fighting one himself, he took the sandwich from her.
"Thanks," he said, tearing it open. "I just couldn't face it."
"Yes, it has been… trying," said Teyla. "I spent most of the day in the gym."
"Oh good, so I can expect to be in pain tomorrow?" Said John.
Teyla grinned at him and John couldn't help smiling back – this was still freaky as hell, but at least it was Teyla that this happened with. Anyone else would have been utter torture… this he could handle. Just about.
John noticed that Teyla held a small bundle under one arm. "What's that?" He asked thickly through a mouthful of sandwich.
Teyla set the bundle down on the end of his bed. "Pyjamas and a change of clothes for you," she said.
Jeez, John hadn't even thought of clothes. He eyed the bundle. "What clothes?" He asked curiously. "Because if it's that brown leather outfit then I think you'd better –"
"It's not – it is a pair of trousers and a black t-shirt," said Teyla. She cocked her head to one side and looked down at John, who looked back up at her, once again consumed by thoughts of how weird this was. He was really tall. Well, she was short.
"I thought you liked my brown leather outfit," she said.
"I love it," John said. "On you. What's the point of me wearing it? It's a total waste."
Teyla smirked. "I could go and put it on if you'd prefer…"
John blanched. "Don't you d –" He broke off as Teyla started to laugh, and shook his head, trying to banish images of himself wearing Teyla's brown leather sparring outfit from his mind.
"John, what is Tiresius?"
John turned his attention back to Teyla – she'd sat down next to the bundle on his bed, and was looking at him expectantly. He frowned.
"Tiresius?" He repeated. "No idea. Why?"
"It is something Rodney said at dinner…"
John was immediately suspicious. "What did he say?" He asked.
Teyla raised her eyebrows at his tone. "He said that this was a golden opportunity for us to settle the Tiresius Problem."
Now John was really confused. "I have no idea what that is," he said. He walked over to his desk and turned on his laptop. "I'm gonna find out though."
"John, it doesn't matter…"
"Rodney said it, and it obviously means something that he thinks is funny. I wanna know what."
He sat down on his desk chair and stared at his computer screen. He was reminded once again of how short he was, and raised the desk chair. He heard Teyla get up from the bed behind him.
"You don't know that," she said. "He wasn't laughing."
"Now I'm even more suspicious."
"Was Ronon still laughing?"
"Yes. I kicked him several times but he would not stop."
"Well thanks for trying."
John felt Teyla step up behind him and lean a hand on the back of his chair as she looked over his shoulder. He felt her body heat seep into him from behind and he felt truly calm for the first time since going to that stupid planet. Teyla just had that affect on him.
The laptop was still booting up. John closed his eyes and leant his head back. Back against a hard, flat chest.
John's eyes flew open and he sat up straight so fast his chair rolled forward, pushing him into the desk.
This was so wrong. So sick and wrong.
"Are you alright?"
"Not in the slightest."
Teyla chuckled – chuckled in his voice (sick!) – and leant on his chair again. It took all of John's willpower not to jump up and leg it out of the room.
His laptop had finally woken up – as he barely used it he'd been stuck with the oldest model on Atlantis – and he quickly typed in his password. He started to open up the encyclopaedia, but stopped when Teyla started to run her fingers through his hair. He shivered.
Wait a minute…
"Teyla!" John exclaimed, jerking his head away. He looked up at her, and saw her smirking widely at him. He tried to find words to tell her how weird he found this, but found it hard to think straight looking up into his own face.
Teyla winked at him – his face winked at him – and John's jaw dropped. "You have a problem," he said seriously.
Teyla rolled her eyes. "Oh honestly – it's still us," she said.
"But like I said earlier it's not mmmph!"
Teyla had grabbed his face in both her hands and covered his lips with hers.
John's first reaction was to return the kiss – this was Teyla kissing him, after all, and he was particularly fond of kissing Teyla nowadays. But then his brain caught up with itself, and he registered the roughness of the palms against his cheeks, the firmness of the lips and felt OH MY GOD.
John fell out of the chair in his rush to break the kiss. He landed on his backside as the chair rolled back about a metre, and gaped up at Teyla in disbelief.
"UGH – that was STUBBLE! EUURGH!"
Teyla leant one hand on his desk and the placed the other on her hip, smiling down at him. She tossed her head in a way that, John knew, would have ordinarily made her hair flip back over her shoulder in a very, er… becoming…way. At the moment, though, John thought that his body just looked the campest it had ever looked.
At least, he hoped that was the campest he had ever looked.
"Teyla – what are you doing?" He demanded, picking himself up off the floor and glaring at her.
She just grinned and shrugged. "You do not usually complain…"
John's glare turned into a scowl, and Teyla started to laugh. "Come now, John – you must see the funny side of this," she said.
"No, no I mustn't," John insisted. "I'm going to look up Tiresius and then you're leaving."
Teyla looked surprised. "You are not letting me stay here?" She asked.
John shook his head. "No – that's your punishment for being so evil."
Teyla smiled again, and John studiously ignored her. He typed 'Tiresius' into the encyclopaedia search engine, and was rewarded a few seconds later by a match – he'd been afraid he'd have to spend hours figuring out the spelling.
"Okay… Tiresius was a prophet in Greek mythology – er, are you sure that's what Rodney said?" He asked Teyla.
She nodded. "Absolutely – the Tiresius Problem."
John turned back to the article, scanning it quickly. "Well, I don't know what he was talking about because… wait a minute." John groaned. "Tiresius was turned into a woman."
Teyla's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
John kept reading. "Yeah – and then Zeus and Hera were having an argument about – oh for the love of… I knew it."
John could feel his cheeks heating up and appreciated his new body for the first time – at least his embarrassment was a little less noticeable. He stood up straight and turned to face Teyla.
"Zeus and Hera – who were Greek gods – were having an argument over who enjoyed sex more; a man or a woman. And since Tiresius had experienced it both ways they asked him to settle it for them," he explained.
"Yeah. Rodney is so dead."
"Oh come now – he was only joking," said Teyla. "And it's not like we have not –"
"But he doesn't know," said John irritably. "He thinks we're still just friends – like everybody else – and so he said it knowing you'd tell me, hoping to embarrass us…"
"I shall be sure to tell him he failed," said Teyla. John narrowed his eyes at her – she was clearly trying not to smile.
John shook his head. "I can't believe you're actually enjoying this," he said.
Teyla did smile at that. "Well… aren't you curious?" She asked.
John blinked. "Excuse me?"
"About the answer to the argument," she said. Her – his – voice dropped low. John recognised that voice – it was the voice he used when he was in full seduction mode.
John took a step back. "You've got to be kidding me!"
Teyla shrugged. No, not Teyla. Him, his body shrugged, and took step towards him. John backed up another step. It was like he was watching some kind of horror movie – watching himself walk towards him with an unmistakable look in his eye… What could he do? This was Teyla – he couldn't exactly punch her and run away (despite the temptation to do just that) – also, it was his body, and he would prefer to get it back in one piece.
But she really had to stop. She had to stop right now. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't – he felt his back hit the wall.
Teyla was still advancing – she was mere feet away. John knew he had to just run out of the room, but now his legs weren't cooperating either.
Suddenly, Teyla spun on her heel and walked over to his chest of drawers. She pulled out a pair of pyjama bottoms and some underwear and, pausing only to give John a jaunty smile and cheery "good night!", left the room.
John's jaw dropped as the door slid closed behind her, leaving him alone in his room, leaning back against the wall for support.
"You have got to be KIDDING me!"
Teyla's door slid open and there she was, in all her female glory. John had thought he knew every inch of her body as it was, but after spending more than a day inside her (and not in the good way), he now knew her inside out. Literally.
Teyla smiled and stood back to let him enter. John did so, still not really sure as to what he wanted to say. They had been back in their own bodies for about four hours – that machine had worked really well – and had been subjected to medical tests and lots of Rodney's snide jokes since then. Then John had had to catch up on all the work he'd neglected the day before, and so this was the first moment they'd had alone.
Teyla looked up at John expectantly, obviously waiting for him to start. So he did.
"You scared the crap outta me."
Teyla started to laugh, and John shook his head. "Seriously – that was without a doubt the most harrowing experience of my life."
Teyla grinned. "John –"
"I thought you were going to… take advantage of me… in my own body!"
"I would never have done such a thing!" Exclaimed Teyla indignantly.
John raised an eyebrow and folded his arms. "I dunno… you enjoyed yesterday way too much. And you seem to be harbouring some same sex tendencies. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely against you exploring this, but –"
Teyla hit John on the arm and they grinned at each other.
"You know, it's so nice to be looking down at you again," John said. Then he realised how that sounded. "Er, I mean –"
Teyla smiled. "I know," she interrupted. "I too am glad to be back to my own height. It was strange, looking down at the tops of peoples' heads."
John shrugged, grinning again. "Well, I happen to like the top of your head," he said. Teyla rolled her eyes but her smile grew, and she stepped up close to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. John's arms slid round her shoulders and he pulled her close, revelling in the feel of her breasts against him… the way it should be.
"I wonder what the answer to the problem is," Teyla said after a moment.
John knew what she was talking about, and smiled, resting his cheek against her temple. "Well… according to Tiresius, the woman enjoys it more," he said.
"Really?" Teyla said. She pulled away slightly, so she could look up at him. John smirked down at her.
"Yep… and judging by those noises you were making the other night, I think he's probably right."
Teyla's eyes narrowed and her arms tightened around him. She rose onto her tiptoes and shifted so the top of her hip was pressed against John's groin. His eyes widened and he swallowed in surprise.
Teyla grinned wickedly.
"Well… that sounds like a challenge to me…"