Forty-one – Geeks
Willow turned and saw Buffy racing towards her.
"Hey." she greeted flatly. "Nice shoes."
"Ooooo…Aren't they though!" Buffy caught herself. "Um…nevermindthat! Where's Warren?"
The vines rose from the pit and deposited a steaming block with a thunk.
Warren's body was encased within it.
"Willow! What did you do?" Buffy gasped, then cocked her head. "No seriously. What is that? Modern Art?"
"She froze him in CARBONITE like Han Solo!" exclaimed Xander. "That is so…so…"
"Unspeakably evil?" supplied Anya.
"Utterly twisted?" offered Dawn.
"…COOL!" Xander gushed.
"Awww…Thanks Xander." Willow preened.
The girls rolled their eyes.
"…Geeks…." they sighed simultaneously.
AN- Uh-oh. Xander and Willow's inner Geeky roots are showing… :D Thank you for the feedback and I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! As a special thank you to my readers, here's a little extra slice of Seasonal Silliness…
I call it…
ANYA'S ALTERNATIVE XMAS CAROL CAPER (or why you should never ever EVER let an ex-vengeance demon sing Carols at Christmas...or any other time for that matter)
It was snowing again in Sunnydale, which was weird and sort of Hellmouth-y, but since there wasn't an impending apocalypse everyone let it slide and decided to enjoy the Christmassy atmosphere. Buffy even relaxed long enough to stop bemoaning her current lack of being in Heeeeaven and get drunk on Dawn's experimental Vodka eggnog instead. Unfortunately, she then spent Christmas Eve running around Sunnydale making all the snowmen disturbingly anatomically correct with her stakes and giggling like a loon. The Scoobies spent the rest of the night chasing after her.
But that's another story…
Meanwhile… Anya was putting up her decorations when her doorbell rang.
"Oh, I wonder who could that be? Maybe I won the lottery! I hope it's a man carrying a highly amusing but completely impractical giant cheque." she said, opening her door.
She was a bit disappointed to discover it was just a bunch of kids wearing Victorian Period costumes and carrying a lantern.
"You all look like orphans. Are you orphans? Anyway go away. There's no gruel for you here!"
"Hey! We're not orphans!" one of the kids huffed. "We're Carol singers!"
Anya immediately perked up. "Oooooh, Carols! I love Carols! I know all the classics. Me and my friends use to sing them all the time!" She paused to sigh nostalgically then looked curiously at the group standing outside her door in the snow.
"So, small strangely dressed children, what are you going to sing?"
"Rudolfphhhh!" spoke up a cute little girl with a lisp.
"Oh good! One of my favourites!"
A cute little boy dressed as Tiny Tim held out a bucket containing some money. "Excuwwwwse me, pwretty lady. But could you pwlease give us a donation? Pwwwwwwlease? It's for chwarity." He had a lisp too.
It was a testament to Anya's great and superior will power that she didn't laugh in his face. But it was a near thing.
"Sorry, adorable begging urchin but I want to hear what you've got first. However, if you impress me enough I may think about it." she lied.
The group shuffled uneasily at the behaviour of this strange blunt woman but decided to launch into a jaunty rendition of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' anyway.
They got as far as the middle of the first part when Anya started frantically waving her arms at them.
"STOP! STOP! STOP!" she yelled, looking thoroughly agitated.
"-even say it gloooows. Huh? W-Wha?" asked the Carol singers stuttering to a halt.
"What the HELL was that? Reindeers? Glowing NOSES? Are you all on crack?" complained Anya. "What kind of Carol singers are you when you don't even know the WORDS!?"
"B-But we do know the words!" blurted a kid who tentatively held out a songbook. "S-See? It's all written down and everything!"
"Gimme that!" Anya snatched the book then started to furiously leaf through it. After a time she shook her head and muttered something about demonic copyright infringement.
"Well, this is just awful! None of these have the right words!" Anya grumbled. "They've all been unjustly rewritten!"
"Huh? Rewritten?" the Carol singers mumbled. "Really?"
"Oh yes. They've totally twisted, rearranged, changed and frankly buggered up some perfectly fine classics here! In fact all of these…" she held up the songbook at arms length and wrinkled her nose like it was something rancid and smelly. "…are sad pathetic shells of the original traditional songs! It's an utter, utter travesty!"
The Carol singers collectively 'Ooooo-ed'.
"So what was changed?" they asked curiously.
"Well, I'm rather glad you asked me that." Anya replied importantly. "For starters, 'Rudolph' has absolutely nothing to do with reindeer with illuminating radioactive snouts. It's all a bunch of fiendish misdirection and lies." She gave them a very toothy smile. "Would you children like to hear the original version which is based on the truth?"
The kids looked a little uneasy but shrugged. "Er…sure. Uh-huh. Okay."
"Great! I haven't sung this in ages so don't hold it against me if I sound a little rusty! Now prepared to be enlightened!" Anya declared. Then she took a deep breath and burst into song.
"Rudolph the BLOOD thirsty PSYCHOOOO,
Had a very SHINY AXE.
Aaaaand if you ever saw him,
He would give you such a WHACK!
All of the other children,
Use to LAUGH and call him NAAAAAAMES.
Until they drove poor old Rudolph,
Completely HOMICIDALLY INSANE!
Then one UNFORTUNATE Xmas Eve,
Santa NERVOUSLY came to say…
'Rudolph with your AXE so BRIGHT,
Please don't use it on ME tonight!'
Now all the other children,
CRY and WAIL in MISERY.
'Rudolph you CHOPPED UP SANTA,
You made Christmas totally HISTORYYYYYY!'"
Anya finished with a flourish and grinned at the Carol singers. "I forgot how much fun that was!" she exclaimed happily. "Let's do another!"
The kids just stared.
"I-Is Santa…?" squeaked a little girl. She couldn't finish the terrible thought.
"Oh! Don't worry. Rudolph didn't really chop up Santa with an axe." Anya explained absentmindedly, eagerly flicking through the songbook.
There was a collective sigh of relief.
"He actually used a chainsaw."
She was completely oblivious to the collective look of horror trained upon her.
"A-ha! Here we are! 'Away In A Manger'." Anya snorted with contempt as she tapped the page. "Now this one is so wrong it's almost laughable. Babies and Cribs and Stables? Pfffft! What kind of crazy child birthing environmental message are they trying to sell us here? Obviously one that never heard of hygiene or epidurals." Anya snapped the book shut making everyone jump. "Well, here's the real version and it's also based on a truly touching event too. I hope you children appreciate this!"
"Oh Gawd. Not again." whimpered the Tiny Tim kid.
But Anya ignored him.
"Away in a MANGLER,
The gears crushed your HEAD.
Your body is BROKEN,
And now you're quite DEAD.
The engine is GLOWING,
The piston's running RED.
The blood's OVERFLOWING,
And yes, you're still DEAD.
The people give a fearful CRY,
And look down where you LAY.
They've just found your BODY,
Ground up like PATE."
Anya wiped a small tear from her eye. "Oh, don't mind me." she sniffed. "It's just that song is so…so beautiful! All that lovely death and tragedy. Don't you think so too?"
The kids just dropped their mouths open in silent shock.
"Everybody's a critic…" she mumbled, leafing through the songbook again. "Ahhhh! 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.' Now THIS is a much-maligned classic! Unlike 'Rudolph', this Carol is about the REAL Santa." Anya glanced at the Carol singers.
"I wonder if I should share the original for this one? It's quite legendary but…I don't know if I should….hmmmmm…." she mused, playfully pretending to ponder.
Everyone boggled at her and frantically shook their heads.
"Okay then! You talked me into it!" Anya replied and began happily singing again much to their utter dismay.
"Ooooooooooooh, you better watch out!
You better not cry!
You better not draw any attention to yourself whatsoever,
And I'm telling you why…
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!
He's got great big TEETH,
TALONS and CLAWS!
He'll TEAR off your HEAD,
And cram it in his JAWS!
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!
He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
He knows what time you're gonna DIE DIE DIE!
And he's right by no mistake!
So lock up your CHILDREN!
Bolt up that DOOR!
'Cause if he gets in,
He'll have your ENTRAILS on the FLOOR!
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"
Anya ended with a big theatrical flourish and waited expectantly for the no doubt rapturous applause of her audience. That one always brought the House down back in Arashmaharr .
"HEY! FRICKING APPLAUDE ME ALREADY!" she yelled, exasperated.
Unfortunately, all the Carol singers did was stare at her with blank glassy unfocused eyes and make funny whimpering noises. Occasionally they twitched. Anya frowned then waved her hand in front of their frozen traumatised little faces. Then she pinched their noses, tweaked their ears, tugged their hair and gave them wedgies. By this time she wasn't bothered about reviving them, she was just indulging herself.
"Oh dear." Anya sighed to herself, poking the little Tiny Tim kid. "I think I broke them." She shook her head sadly. "I guess I forgot how frail and delicate human sensibilities really are, especially at such a young and impressionable age. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if they were all psychological scarred for life and became incontinent."
Anya paused to reflect upon the terrible, terrible, terrible thing she had just done.
"Oh well." she shrugged, then walked back in her house, slamming her door firmly behind her.
3 seconds later she opened it again and addressed her still frozen audience.
"Actually, it's just occurred to me that I've been doing all the Carol singing here and that you should be donating to me. Soooo…"
Anya reached out and pried the bucket of money from Tiny Tim's stiff little fingers. "That'll do nicely."
"Merry Christmas!" she chirped happily and slammed her door even more firmly behind her.
This time the impact dislodged a massive amount of snow from her roof, which then fell down on their heads with a soft 'FLUMP!' and made them all look like a little group of snowmen.
5 minutes later a giggling Buffy came skipping past and started sticking her stakes on them in very naughty and highly inappropriate places.
Then Willow, Xander, Tara, Dawn and Giles all dog piled on her and stunned her with a taser.