Chapter Four: "Turnabout is Fair Play"
The Mythbusters special featuring Dr. Gregory House had proved to be a complete and utter hit. It had generated more comments on the fanbase than any episode to date. The audience had found him hilarious, and ratings had boosted. House's smart, sarcastic, wit and pure evilness in pranks had made him far more popular than any guest they ever had, more popular than retired FBI agent Frank Doyle, or South San Francisco Police Lieutenant Alan Normandy. He was even more popular than Buster...as hard as that might have been to believe. So the pressure was on by the producers to have Dr. Gregory House come back on the show...
"Ok, gang. Both me and Jaime fought this, but today we have a special guest..."
As the song "Bad to the Bone" played, Dr. Gregory House walked into the set...in all his glorious scruff and sarcasm...
"Oh My Gawd!" exclaimed Karie, Tory and Grant. This was going to be completely insane and so utterly cool...
House quickly took charge while Cuddy, Wilson and the Ducklings filed in...House took a large rolled up blueprint, and tacked it to the wall...
"One of the great traditions in this show is a car donated to be destroyed in creative ways, is it not? Well, I have this '52 Dodge Dart..."
And all the Mythbusters looked in shock and awe at the blueprint complete with engineering equations and precise specifications for building a 30ft tall trebuchet, made of steel "I" beams. Near the bottom was a drawing of House's ancient Dodge Dart, complete with a evil, grinning House manning the trigger. Behind the wheel was Buster...a terrified Buster, his eyes popping out...not Buster II but the original Buster...
"Besides, let's face it, ORIGINAL Buster needs a sendoff truly worthy of Mythbusting legend...a flaming car tossed two hundred feet with him behind the wheel sounds perfect, doesn't it? Unless you guys have a replica Viking Longboat..."
"Everybody loves these episodes, where science is completely disregarded in favor of...BLOWING THINGS UP!!" Grant was in nerd heaven.
"And really, who doesn't love them?" enthused Kari.
Everyone's huge grins made voting unnecessary. This build was...huge. They were going to have to hire a small construction firm to do most of the fabrication. And it looked like the most important work, all the engineering specs and design had already been done by House...
"But, Dr. House! A '52 Dodge Dart? That's a classic man!" exclaimed Adam.
"Yes it is, but Allison gave me an ultimatum. We had to buy a bigger car, and besides, she claimed that every time we made out in my CLASSIC piece of American automotive legend, she needed a Tetanus booster cause of all the rusty springs poking out of the seats. So, we got...gah..."
"A mini-van. Come on, Greg, I let you have it your way on the paint job, didn't I? And we are having twins."
"Nothing less than the impending birth of our TWO bundles of joy could have caused a lapse in judgment large enough to agree to a MINIVAN..." muttered House.
"Everyone recognizes House's minivan with flames painted on the side." Dr. Cuddy laughed.
"House's red hybrid minivan with black flames." Dr. Wilson couldn't help adding.
"You two are so...cute!" exclaimed Kari Byron.
House's Glare of Death was foiled by Allison House pressing her belly against side, causing House to lose concentration as he bent and softly touched his wife's tummy, hoping to feel another kick from his kids.
"Hyneman, Savage...come look at this." House looks around carefully to see that they're alone. (except, naturally for the film crew)
House unrolls the REAL blueprint. Both Adam and Jaime look surprised and as the implications gradually seeped into their brains, they began to smile...matching the one already on House's face...
"Do you guys have a problem with this?" House asked rhetorically.
"Don't you know us at all?" replied Adam with a grin.
"You...ok, this is ON, then..." said House with an evil smile.
(At the Alameda Naval Base)
"Come on, Adam, Jaime...we need a hand here!" said a flustered Kari Byron as she and Tory hefted a steel brace, trying to lift it to be welded by Scotty Chapman. (Once again, she had been invited back for this...monster build) Most of the parts had been pre-fabricated, but assembly was a pain...
"There's no 'we' in 'Build Team'...though there is a 'me' if you jumble it up...and there is an 'I' though..." Said Adam Savage, reclining on his beach chair, watching everyone else working.
"That one sucked." Said Jaime, also sitting back.
"It's a myth that you two can be sarcastic. You're just idiots."
"You know, Dr. House, that sarcasm of yours is really an attractive quality."
"But Jaime, it has to be easier to maintain than regular treatments of Rogain!"
"Hopefully that's my job...to strap sarcasm on everything." said House while nervously checking the bald spot on the top of his head.
"Oh dear god...who's idea was this?" Allison House asked while covering her face with her hand.
"Who else? House, naturally." Said Chase, helping Kari and Tory with the brace.
"Would you say Dr. House is..." began Grant.
"An evil genius. He is evil, and unfortunately, he is a genius." said Foreman with a you-know-what eating grin.
"Ok, I just want to know one thing. When is it going to stop?" asked Dr. Lisa Cuddy, looking up at the heavens as she so often did, praying for a bolt of lightning to hit...do you really need to ask who?
"When Greg grows up." said Allison with a grin.
"And Adam should stop drooling every time we blow something up. Not gonna happen." said Jamie, smirking.
"Where is everyone getting these quotes?" asked Wilson in bewilderment. One of the producers (with a grin) handed to Jimmy two large binders, one saying "House-isms" and the other "Memorable Mythbusters Quotes." The binder for "House-isms" said Allison House, Robert Chase and Eric Foreman were the authors...
"And how come I only get this NOW?!"
"You can't always get what you want, Dr. Wilson." Said Adam Savage.
"But if you try sometimes, you get what you need." House limped over, and despite his cane, he helped Kari and Tory heft the steel brace, holding it in place while Scotty welded it... Allison had a sudden nasty suspicion...Greg was being entirely too nice...
(Two Days later)
"Thank God it's over!"
The Doctors and Mythbusters looked in awe at the 30 foot tall construction. The research staff had dug up footage of a similar English catapult (made of wood House had scoffed) that had also tossed automobiles. As House pointed out repeatedly, until everyone was sick of it, they were going with a steel frame, and tossing an American car, built of STEEL. Unlike the clip they saw, which tossed cheap, lightweight, British junkers. ("For the last time, House, I'm AUSTRALIAN!!")
At this point, everyone looked at the long wire cable. It had been hooked up to the massive trigger, after Frank Doyle had done his work, and House's Dodge Dart had been filled with pyrotechnics. Kari suddenly looked at the setup. The original blueprint had shown the car being tucked into the net near the front fender, why was it now at the back? Since the car had been towed to face the target zone, a huge bulls-eye painted 80 yards away, that would mean...
"Is everybody ready?" Adam was jumping up and down in excitement, House looked...satanic and pleased, and Jaime had no expression on his face...
"Wait a sec, Adam...why is the car hooked up to the 'Super-Sized Tosser II' at the back?"
"We...uh...took a look at the numbers and this is going to take the strain better."
"Greg, that's lame. Come on, what's going on?" Darn, he's trained her too well, she wasn't falling for his pathetic story...
"Never mind! In five...four...three..."
At the count of one, everyone pulled on the wire cable attached to the trigger. There was a gigantic "SPRONG!!" sound, and the "Trojan Rabbit II" made its maiden and only flight. Due to an utterly inspired idea by Allison House, the build team had attached a giant foam rabbit head to the front of the fifty year old car. At the target zone, several dummies were dressed up as English "K-Nigets." They had made Chase and Foreman watch "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" so that they would get the joke. Those two were such killjoys...
The 200 ton counterweight did its work, and the one and a quarter ton mass of metal was yanked off the ground. The reinforced cargo net took the strain quite well, but because of the placement, instead of imparting a balance of forward and upward motion, it SPUN...and headed straight UP...shedding various parts of itself, due to the centripedal motion...first off were the side mirrors, then both the front and back windshields...due to some strange quirk of kinetic motion the foam "Wabbit" head stayed attached...all the way until it slammed ON TOP OF the "Super-Sized Tosser II" with a horrific and insanely loud crash!! And then the 20 gallons of gas that Frank had installed in the back went off, and the huge wreck was hidden by the enormous fireball!!
"OH...MY...GAWD!!" Everybody except a smirking House, an uncontrollably excited Adam, and a smiling Jaime exclaimed in unison. There was a huge twisted metal wreck smack in the middle of the abandoned naval base, still on fire, with huge wads of black smoke pouring off the burning, twisted metal. The "Super-Sized Tosser II" had self immolated in a horrifying shriek of metal as the 2500 pound automobile landed on the top support frame, and in a mesmerizing implosion, as the gas ignited and burned in what had to be a scene from an Irwin Allen movie, the whole enormous edifice ponderously and with stately slowness collapsed in on itself.
(Later, after the PPTH team had gone home and the cast was wrapping up this week's episode)
"I can't believe you didn't tell us! The coolest single stunt on Mythbuster's history, complete with the total destruction of...a trebuchet, and you two jerks didn't even warn us that this immense coolness was about to happen!!"
"Well, Kari, as you know..." began Jaime.
"Everybody lies!" said the entire cast in a grinning chorus.