Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Altantis. So don't sue me.
A/N: Almost everything in this story will directly correlate to one or more of the laws. Mind you, I did not write this story to try and shock you in any way, it is a completely predictable story so just have fun reading it!
SOD'S LAW(or Murphy's Law)- Anything that is to go wrong will do so at the worst possible moment.
THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW - As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.
NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS - Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
HOWE'S LAW - Every man has a scheme which will not work.
LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY - An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
JENNING'S COROLLARY - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
FARBER'S RULE - Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The Collaboration of the Laws
John slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the blurriness from his vision. When that didn't work, he tried to wipe the blurriness away but he unpleasantly discovered a certain strong force was holding his arm at a very unnatural angle. He blinked furiously now, in a desperate attempt to see. And he did get to see. What he saw was the ground waving at him while he dangled far above it. The ground greeted him with its waving leaves from the large plants growing on it. John attempted to spit on the ground but the wind blew at that exact moment and the spittle ended up flying right back in his face, blurring his vision again.
This day sucked.
Nine Hours Earlier
John rolled his eyes. This had all been going so well. It took only two days to negotiate a trade with the natives. That was usually the hard part.
"What do you mean we can't take it? I thought you said the trade was agreeable." John growled. The smallish native man gawked at him.
"But you cannot simply carry it away." He insisted. "Two of you must first participate in a ritual dance. Then you must go and harness two very powerful beasts called the Ni. The two Ni are to pull a ceremonial cart in which you are to place the plants that you so desire."
John stared at the man for a full two minutes before he spoke. "Ok. Fine. Let's do this dance and get our Ni and get out of here." He turned to his team. "Ronon and me will get the beasts of burden. Teyla and Rodney, you guys get to tango."
"Oh come on!" Rodney screeched. "I am not dancing!"
"You'd rather wrangle a wild animal Rodney?" John challenged. The scientist pursed his lips.
"I can't dance." He insisted.
"Just follow Teyla. She's graceful." John insisted right back. "Think of this as…the Amazing Race." He offered.
"Remember the last time we tried to play reality TV?" Rodney challenged.
"Actually, I try not to… Just don't cheat this time." John hurried out of the hut with Ronon on his tail. "Have fun Rodney." John called over his shoulder as they were led off to find the Ni.
An hour, and two blisters later, John and Ronon finally found a herd of hairy pig like creatures that had two big horns coming out of the tops of their heads. The animals appeared fairly docile as they slid in and out of the trees in search of decent vegetation. The horns kinda made him nervous, but John felt he could easily harness one. "They don't look so bad." John quipped. "We'll just lasso them with some of this vine." As he spoke, John pulled at the thick vines that covered most of the jungle trees.
"Sounds good to me." Ronon drawled as he slowly circled around the pig creatures. "Let's get 'em."
"Rodney, you need to swivel your hips." Teyla explained, swiveling her own hips in a way that was supposed to resemble what the natives were doing. Rodney wasn't doing anything that resembled dancing at the moment. A small crowd of non-dancing natives was gathering around them, laughing and pointing and muttering snide comments in that annoying native language of theirs.
After yet another rousing round of trying to get his hips to move in a semi-Latino way, Rodney was currently ready to throw in the towel. He was gasping for breath and his legs felt like jelly. "I-I think we're slowing down!" He rasped joyfully.
As soon as the words left his mouth, the drumbeats sped up and the dancing native's launched into a series of leaps and incredibly complicated acrobatic moves. Rodney strained to keep up and Teyla strained to help him. As the dance reached its climax, Teyla moved along with the natives and Rodney…well, Rodney tired to move with the natives. It was at that precise moment that Teyla shifted her body to the left while Rodney shifted his to the right resulting in a tremendously hollow thunking noise as the two heads collided and they dropped to the ground.
McKay stared at the sky as he lay sprawled out on the ground. His brain did an incredible back flip and his mouth decided to emit a joyous groan. Rodney seriously doubted he would be able to get up again.
"Rodney! Quit fooling around!" Sheppard's voice cut into the lovely sound of bells that had previously been ringing in Rodney's ears.
"Shut up colonel!" With a great effort and a few groans, Rodney propped himself up on his elbows to glare the man who was walking towards him. "What happened to you?"
Sheppard was leading two ugly pig-looking animals while Ronon limped behind him.
"Don't ask." Ronon growled. The man had a nice hoof shaped black eye. One of the Ni had a foot shaped red spot on its rump.
"What happened to you guys?" Sheppard asked. It was Teyla who answered.
"Rodney does not possess…"She searched for the right word. John provided it.
"A dancer's grace." Teyla said as she rubbed a red spot on her forehead.
"I'm so sorry; I left my dancing shoes at home." Rodney growled sarcastically. "Can we go now?"
With perfect timing, the chief native walked up to them with a smallish looking cart that was laden with bundles of some sort of plant. Two other natives took the Ni from Sheppard and harnessed them to the cart.
"You have successfully captured the Ni, well done." He beamed. "You have not done so well in the dancing though." Sheppard reached over and slapped Rodney upside the head.
"Ow! Hey, I didn't pick the dancing!" He squealed. Ronon shushed him and the chief continued.
"However, you are welcome to leave and take our wonderful plant with you." The man said cheerfully.
"Fantastic." Rodney muttered in a deadpan-ish manner.
"Let's go." Sheppard said and grabbed the long rope that was attached to the pair of Ni and started to pull them toward the path that led to the stargate. Teyla, Ronon and McKay eagerly followed behind…so did the rain clouds that started to gather in the distance.
Three hours and several McKay 'I'm hungry/slow down/are we there yet' speeches later, the rain started to fall. It was slow at first; as if the clouds still wanted to lure the team into thinking it wasn't so bad. No, it wasn't until the gate was in site that the rain started to pour, hard and fast. The home stretch involved skirting the far end of a deep trench-like ravine. A small stream of mud flowed across the path, flowing down into the ravine. At this point, Sheppard made Teyla go first, then McKay, and then Ronon. Then Sheppard threw the lead rope to Ronon and the big man pulled the pair of pig creatures across. By now, the stream had grown into a small creek and it was flowing a bit faster then before. Sheppard didn't give it much thought, just calmly strode forward. And then the ground shook and a heavy rushing noise came towards them. And then…
And then Sheppard was standing there one moment and the next moment he was suddenly replaced by a massive torrent of rushing water that flowed straight into the ravine. For a sickening moment, no one could do anything but watch in horror as the flash flood swept down into the trench.
"Sheppard!" Rodney yelled. It was a futile effort; the man obviously couldn't hear them. There was another sickening moment when the realized that there wasn't much else that they could do. Teyla dug around in her pack and pulled out the LSD.
"Rodney…" She pushed it into his hands. McKay blinked a few times, still stunned, but then he snatched the LSD and activated it. Instantly, there were twenty or so life signs from all the surrounding animals. Five of those were moving rapidly down the direction of the ravine. Rodney hit a few buttons and only four blips appeared on screen as the LSD searched for the transmitter chips. Only one blip was careening down the trench.
"I'm finding a way down." Ronon stated. He stared at the lead rope in his hands. "How important is this plant?" He asked.
"Very." Teyla insisted. Ronon thought for a moment. Then he handed the lead rope to Rodney.
"Go back to Atlantis and get some help, we'll probably need it." He ordered. Rodney nodded. Teyla and Ronon wasted no more time. They were already running off into the woods.
Rodney pulled the Ni with a renewed energy. The creatures mewed and snorted in protest as they dragged the cart through the mud. "Come on…"Rodney huffed. "You stupid…pigs…" His foot slipped and he did a spectacular face plant in the mud. Rodney cursed. "Come on…this is just…not…FAIR!"
There was a low growl in the bushes to his left. McKay stiffened, his eyes growing rounder and rounder by the second. "Ooohh no…oh no oh no oh no." The Ni started squealing and fidgeting. The growling turned to snarling.
A big furry cat-like creature suddenly leapt out from the bushes and snatched the nearest Ni and pulled it, the other Ni and the cart all into the trees again. Rodney didn't watch as the cart disappeared; he was far too busy running for the gate and screaming like a little girl.
Screw the plant; he was getting the heck outta dodge.
John stared at the ground, wishing his head would stop pounding so he could figure out where the heck he was. He was upside-down and wet and hurting and dizzy and cold. And hungry. And he had mud the most irritating places imaginable. Something wet and slimy was wrapped and twisted up and around his body, holding him tight and refusing to let him move.
The last whole memory he had was walking across the ravine and thinking just how funny the footprint looked on the back of the pig thing. And then all he remembered was water and rocks and hurting and then waking up in a very uncomfortable position.
"John! Can you hear me?"
He did in fact hear someone in the distance.
"Over here!" He shouted. Within moments, Ronon and Teyla came bounding into view, beneath him. They searched around in confusion. "Up here." He yelled, rather pathetically as exhaustion suddenly gripped him.
"Sheppard?" Ronon stared at him.
"Get me down!" John ordered.
"How did that happen?" Teyla muttered. "John, you are wrapped in vine, do you realize that?"
"Yeah, it's a fashion thing." He snapped sarcastically. "Get me down!" He was growing hysterical and he didn't care.
"Are you injured?" Teyla asked as Ronon started scaling the tree that he happened to be tied to.
"Probably. I can't really tell. It's really cold up here." John eyed the big man who was slowly crawling out onto the large branch that supported his weight.
"You have spit on your face." Ronon muttered as he got closer.
"Yes, I realize that." John snapped. Ronon leaned down and attempted to wipe it away and only managed to mix the spittle with some mud that was on his hand, both of which managed to get into John's nose, making him snort. Ronon snickered.
"Sorry." He mumbled.
"Shut up." John snapped. This only made Ronon laugh more as he started sawing through the vines. "Ronon, are you cutting the right vines?" John asked suddenly.
"Yep." The big man assured him. It was at that moment that the particular vine he was working on snapped and John suddenly felt all the other vines slip away as he plummeted to the ground; more specifically, towards Teyla.
"Ow." John muttered. Teyla grunted. He rolled off of her with a cry of pain. "I think I broke something." John gasped as a white hot pain flared up along his ribcage. "A few something's." He moaned breathlessly.
"I think I did as well." Teyla hissed as she tried, and failed, to sit up.
"Sorry." Ronon called from his tree.
"Shut up!" John groused. He clenched his eyes shut against the pain and clutched his left arm close to his body. "This day sucks." He whined pathetically.
The familiar hum of a puddle jumper suddenly reached its way into John's distracted mind. "It's about time…" He muttered. The ship flew down into a clearing a short distance away and, within minutes, John and Teyla were on stiff backboards in the back of the Jumper, loudly insisting that they didn't need the backboards the whole way there.
The last person to climb over the backboards and enter the jumper was Ronon, with Rodney just ahead of him. He nonchalantly stepped up the ramp, as he'd done dozens of times before, only this time there happened to be a small innocuous smear of mud on the ramp. Teyla started to shout out warning but it was too late. Actually, it was too late the moment they stepped foot on the planet.
The Satedan did a tremendous back flip as his foot made contact with the slippery surface; twisting the mans body in a spectacular way that ended with him landing in a crumpled, slightly amusing position on the forest floor. Sometime in the process, Ronon had reached out for something solid to stop his inevitable decent. That something just so happened to be Rodney's tee-shirt. The scientist's arms wind-milled for a few terrorizing seconds before he shrieked and fell sideways, smacking his head against side of the jumper in a resounding clunk.
"Sir, I think I need to get you guy's off this planet." Lorne said from his position in the pilots' seat.
"I think you're right Major." John said from his position on the floor. "If I ever suggest coming back here, shoot me."
"Gladly." Rodney snapped from his position on the bench.
"Thank's Rodney." John muttered sarcastically.
"Take us home Major."