This is borderline crackfic. It's rather insane, but not completely implausible. Well, most of it isn't implausible, anyway. Some of it is way out there.
This was inspired by part of my friend AliBlack's profile where she used the phrase "complex moral dilemmas ('trapped on an island and starving; do we eat Fred?')" and I challenged myself to write a fic revolving around that phrase and that's how this came about. Welcome to the insanity.
Unbeta'd and still I own nothing.
A Complex Moral Dilemma
"Guys, we are going to starve to death if we don't eat soon."
"Well great, you think we don't know that, Matt? Thanks so much for pointing that one out because it obviously wasn't abundantly clear to everyone here."
"I was just saying..."
"Colby lay off him."
"Oh, it's not his fault, Megan. He gets snarky when he gets hungry."
"David, he's always snarky."
"That's not even a word."
"Hey! Could we maybe try to stay focused here, guys, so that we don't starve!"
"Now. There are only six of us left, so we could split into groups of 2 and go out to look for food."
"Don, there's no food left out there. None that's safe, anyway."
"Are we sure?"
"Don, this island is freaking tiny and we've been here for almost three weeks and there were 10 of us before the two flight attendants died from blood loss and infection and then those other two idiots went and got themselves eaten by sharks. Sorry. That was uncalled for. Don't speak ill of the dead and all."
"No, Colby, actually that was totally called for. We told them not to go out at anytime between dusk and dawn and what did they do? They went for a frickin' midnight swim. So they were idiots."
"Shut up, Granger."
"Granger, did you just salute me?!"
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. Habit."
"Right. Food. We need it, we don't have it, ergo, we're screwed."
"Insightful and delicate as always, Colby."
"Am I wrong?"
"No, you're not, man."
"Thank you, David."
"Actually, he is wrong."
"What, do you have a secret hoard of food stashed away somewhere that we don't know about? Or maybe a rescue ship, plane, helicopter or dinghy?"
"No, I mean that, well, there's always Fred."
"Does Fred have any of the above listed items?"
"Than how is he helpful?!"
"Think about it, Granger."
"Oh, Don, seriously… ew."
"Do you have a better idea?"
"Sure. Starving to death."
"That's not an idea."
"But it sure as hell is better."
"I think that I'm going to have to side with Colby, Don. That is really disgusting."
"What part of 'we're going to starve to death' didn't you understand?!"
"None of it. I even said that I preferred that option."
"How about we vote on it?"
"David, what do you think?"
"Well, it's fairly disgusting, the idea of eating him, but on the other hand we are going to starve to death. Can you come back to me?"
"Fine, Matt, what do you think?"
"Uh, first I have a quick question."
"What do you mean 'who's Fred'?!"
"Well, as far as I know, there's only one other person on this island besides us and his name is Joe."
"Who the hell is Joe?!"
"Tall skinny guy, brown hair, he's been stuck on this island with us for three weeks."
"The tall skinny brown haired guy with glasses is Fred."
"No, he doesn't have glasses."
"Are you sure? I've never seen Fred without his glasses on."
"Okay… that's weird."
"Oh, there's Joe right there!"
"That's not Fred."
"Of course not; it's Joe."
"Guys, that isn't Fred."
"Of course not, Colby. Didn't you hear Matt, its Joe?"
"Guys, where did Joe come from? No, wait, better question: where did Fred go!? We're stranded on an island!"
"David, no! How do we know he's not here to kill us and eat us?!"
"Matt's still alive, isn't he?"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Joe, do you know where Fred is?"
"Sure. He's in the jungle taking a leak."
"Of course he is."
"So… you and Fred seem close…"
"Actually, we hate each other."
"Yeah, he's a real asshole."
"You don't say…"
"Tell me, Joe, would you be opposed to eating Fred so that we don't all starve?"