Teaching Mr. Whedon
by Whisper2AScream

Title: Teaching Mr. Whedon (formerly Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold)
Author: Whisper2AScream (whisper2ascream13@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Xander and Willow, Buffy, and group belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Enterprises, Sandollar Television, Twentieth Century Fox, etc. No infringement intended just doing a little venting.
Rating: Eh, PG, I guess?
Spoilers: Just 3rd Season
Pairings: B/S, X/W
Summary: a fic challenge story, Xander and Willow get some revenge for 3rd season foul-ups. And Joss, I mean no ill will, but what the hellmouth were you guys smoking when you came up with some of the plotlines???? But, pardons, this is all in good, though twisted fun.
Archive: Yep.
Feedback: Absolutely! Drop me a line.

Author Note: In case, you're wondering. I wrote this originally for a Willow/Xander mailing list. (Yes, I'm a W/X shipper.) There was a lot of disgruntled voices after 3rd Season due to the Fluke, and the later brushoff. This story came about after a fic challenge was put forward to get revenge on the storylines.

"Psst, hey Willow, wake up!" a voice said. Willow slowly opened her bleary tired eyes.
"Wha? Xander?" she asked weakly as she tried to peer over the blanket covering her.
"Uh, no. Though I have been compared to him. Come on, storytime! You'll love it, trust me!"
the figure stood at the foot of her bed, invisible, except for the moonlight gleaming off the lenses of a pair of glasses. The voice indicated it was a woman. Uh, no, another fanfic writer. Will the madness never end? Willow groaned as she sank her head into her pillow.
"What now?"
"Revenge, against a certain writer." the voice said gleefully, "a writer by the name of Joss."
At the sound of her creator's name, Willow sat up, and flicked on the lamp on her bed stand. She blinked till her eyes adjusted to the change in lighting. She peered at the familiar figure, "D? That you?"
"Yep, it's me again. Come on, who else would be insane enough to do this?" the young woman smiled and held her hands out before her to gesture.
"Not many," Willow commented. She then smiled in return, "I do have a few words for him. And they're not nice words either."
"Ah, good. Get dressed, Xander's waiting downstairs already."
"He is? Did you wake him, too?" Willow asked as she got up and went to throw some clothes on.
"Will, we both know the Mr. Night Owl that he is," she said, and Willow just laughed. Once dressed, the two hurried downstairs. They went outside, where Xander was sitting on the step.
"Hey, Will." he grinned in greeting.
"Hi," she smiled back warmly.
"Oh, yeah, a lot of straightening to do. Come on, we got a meeting at the library."
"The library?" Willow asked. "I thought it burned down with the school?"
"This is at Univ. of Sunnydale's library, where you guys are going? Um, yeah, Buffy made sure he wouldn't be late for our appointment." she smiled again as they headed off.

Meanwhile, Joss was grunting against the ropes, and the gag in his mouth. Buffy just smiled at him, "So, what's this about Angel getting his own show??? Hmmmm??? It wasn't bad enough you made me send him to hell. No, he had to come back, just to leave me again!" She held up a stake to his throat.
"Errr, Buffy, do go easy on him. Remember our instructions? Though, I would like an explanation why a) Jenny was killed, and b) I was temporarily lusting after Joyce." Giles stared at the writer questioningly, and his tone of voice indicated he was going into Ripper mode.
Buffy made a disgusted face, "Oh, bleah! Don't remind me, Giles! I just had an apple. You two with the smootchies, is beyond Outer Limits weirdness." Then, the doors of the library burst open.
"We're heeerrre!" Whisper announced in a sing-song manner, paraphrasing Carol Ann in Poltergeist. She almost skipped over to the three, "K, meeting now in progress. Buffy, you can take the gag off now."
"Do I have to?" she sulked glancing at the apple stuck in Joss's mouth, "And I was looking forward to Roast Creator later."
"Maybe another time." she shrugged. Buffy shrugged as well, and ripped the apple out of her creator's mouth quickly and as painfully as possible.
He gasped a few times, "What the hell is the meaning of this? I got fourth season to plan for, and you have no authority! These are my characters!"
"We know," Whisper rolled her eyes, "But the point is, you've been neglecting _your_ characters. And while they've been wanting to discuss their ideas for fourth season, you were too busy, and so they needed a writer to make arrangements. I volunteered." she grinned again. She then stepped out of the way as Xander and Willow stepped forward with ticked looks on their faces.
"Uh, Xander, Willow? What's wrong?" he uneasily laughed.
Xander rolled his eyes, and sarcastically spat out, "Oh, gee, where to start? I've been chasing every girl in town except the one who loves me! And I don't realize I love her till she almost dies? Not to mention my misadventures with Queen Cordelia the Bitchy. I save the school from being blown up, and no one knows? And on that note, me and the Wonder Slaying Slut, you know, Judas's descendant? My first had to be with her??? Who knows who else she had humped before!"
"But you got to be Key guy! You saved the day, and everybody did know!" Joss urgently said.
"Uh, yeah, and my payment is to go backpacking and hitchhiking the open roads? Can we say, insanity?? Not to mention, I've scarred my best friend and true love for life!" Xander fired back. Willow looked surprised at his admission, and held his hand reassuringly.
She then said, "He's right. I get to be Witch Girl. Yet, you have me sleeping with a werewolf! Do you have any idea how much he sheds on my bed? And the whole thing is just bleah!"
"But you loved him, that was the point!"
"Not like Xander," she shook her head. Xander glanced at her, and gave her hand a squeeze.
"Ok, what do you want?"
The pair entwined their fingers together as Xander said, "Just two of us, together. Send Oz to wherever you sent Cordy, LA, was it?"
He sighed resignedly, "Look, I was under pressure from a lot of studio heads. They wanted it to be more like that Dawson's Creek show, and now they're suggesting something like Felicity since you all are going to college." Xander and Willow made a gagging gesture.
Giles rolled his eyes, "Dear Lord, they're mad!"
"We know," Buffy spoke up, "In fact, I'm going to have a word with them on this little postponement thing. Graduating in July is so not cool!"
Joss nodded, as much as he could around the bindings, "I know, but they had their reasons, as much as I opposed that."
"Oh, I'll give them reasons. To listen that is, starting with reason 1: my friend, Mr. Pointy." Buffy devilishly smiled as she held up the stake Kendra had given her.
"I am also going to facilitate in the negotiations as well." Giles commented, and despite the tweed, he cut a quite imposing figure as well.
"Ok, let's not get crazy here. We wouldn't have a show, or they might take it from me and revamp it, pardon the pun."
"How so?" Buffy had a sick look on her face.
"Think Power Rangers meet Felicity type deal, or worse. It could be a live action South Park."
"No! They wouldn't dare! That's beyond evil!" Willow exclaimed, shocked.
Joss actually smirked, "Where do you think I got the inspiration for the Mayor?"
"Gee, why am I so not surprised?" Buffy remarked, "But anyway, here's a small list of our demands." She tossed a scroll long enough to rival Santa's good-bad list in front of Joss whose eyes bugged out in shock.
"But, but, I can't agree to all this! We're going to be filming the first episode next week! The first couple of scripts have already been approved! You have any idea of the paperwork I'm going to have to do? I refuse!"
"Then we release this onto the Internet." Buffy waved a videotape cartridge in his face. It was marked, "PBP '99, the after hours edition."
Joss's jaw dropped in horror, "Where did you get that? That's top secret!" He jerked trying to get free and grab the tape.
"You forgot, you created a expert hacker, and an ex-thief." Buffy commented, as she gestured to Willow and Giles, respectively. "We've got ways." She smiled more, savoring victory.
"Alright, let me look at it." Xander held up the list for him to scan through, "What? Faith becomes a NYC hooker and heroin junkie who dies from AIDS?? She's still in the coma! And she's already at death's door! And you want to me bring who back? Pike?? He was just an early version of Xander."
Xander beamed, "Really? Wow, check out Mr. Popularity here!" He gleefully crowed.
"Creator's pet," Willow grumbled.
"No more Joyce and Giles smootchies, ok, well, that's given. But I can't just get rid of Oz! Seth's signed a contract! He's a regular on the show!"
"What? Wolfboy's permanant? You gotta be kidding me! He says what, three things in a episode?"
"Yeah, I don't know what I saw in him, he was so boring. No sparks at all, unlike a certain close friend of mine." Willow said as she hugged Xander close.
Then, Joss said, "Hey, how about you two on your own show? It can be like a college version of the X- Files! Forget this Angel show."
"Ooh, own show?? ... Wait a sec! Nice try, but you can't buy us off so easily!" Willow yelled.
"Um, but Willow, think about it, we can call it The Hacker Witch and the Fool show?" Xander said, waxing on the idea.
Willow shook him out of his daydream, hissing, "Xander! He's just trying to make us sell out! Don't give in!" Xander blinked, and muttered, "Damn."
"Alright, no deal, Lucifer guy. I'm keeping my soul."
Then, another voice broke in, "Say, what do we have here? 'Creator Tartar?' Mind if I try a sample?" Spike then walked into view, just behind Joss, and then after thinking a moment, "Oh, hell, I'm hungry, I don't bloody care what you sods think!" He then went to sink his teeth in Joss's neck, when Joss said, "All right! Have it your way! I'll do it!" Buffy then in one swift move, pushed Spike away, and slammed him into the wall.
"Oops, sorry, I forget my own strength sometimes." she apologized to the vamp, and helped him up.
"That's all right, luv. The ploy worked, so what's it matter?" he grinned, and then the two kissed passionately. Willow looked confused, while the three men in the room all looked a bit green in the gills.
The two broke apart, "Well, a pleasure doing business with you," Buffy cheerily said, "Our pleasure anyway. Let's go, Spike." The Slayer and the vampire walked out together, holding hands.
Giles straightened up, "Yes, back to research then. I'm sure you're cooking up all sorts of nasty creatures for us to sort out." He turned, and also left, heading home.
Whisper then stepped over to Xander and Willow, "Guess what, why don't you have the honors of wrapping this up?"
"Thanks, D. See you in the fics!" Xander waved, as Whisper winked and vanished via a handy-dandy dimensional portal. Never leave home without it!
Then, Willow said, "Ok, well then, that's about it. Say goodnight, Xander."
He smiled, "Goodnight, Xander!" The pair chuckled and then left as well.

..."Um, guys, hey, could somebody untie me now? Guys? Anybody? Please!"

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THE END (or is it?)