A/N: My first Gossip Girl fic! Please be kind and review please :D
Post 1x13. Chuck&Blair. I hate Nate and Jenny the most in the show.
I don't own anything or anyone from Gossip Girl. (Though I wish). Haha.
The faucet water was running. Again.
How could things get so out of control? Why did it have to be this way? She was stronger than this, she knew that.
But she really wasn't.
And so here she was again, Blair Waldorf, dethroned Queen of the Upper East Side, locked in her own bathroom, the faucet water running, her finger sticking down her throat, tears streaming. Almost there.
How could they do this to her? Right. Because she was the absolute bitch of the world, they just had to give her what was coming to her. They don't understand. They're all selfish as much as she is. They don't care.
Not even him.
The contents of stomach floated inside the porcelain toilet bowl, but she wouldn't stop there. She watched for awhile before she stuck her finger in her throat, forcing her stomach's contents to get out, there was hardly anything left, forcing her life to get back to normal. Although she knows no matter how much she's thrown up, it won't change a thing.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
She could understand what and why he did it. She would do the same if she was placed in his position. Of course. That's what they do. They're manipulative, cunning and merciless, even if was towards each other. So she could understand. Given the amount of time she was able to think about all the things that had happened, she'd begun to see his side. And she was willingly to apologize. To forgive and forget and just move on.
But he didn't want that.
His words. His words were the most painful. Never mind that she and Serena had an earlier falling out, they always had a falling out and they always got back together. Serena was the one that always saved her. Never mind that Little J, that absolute bitch, thought she was far more superior than her, Blair Waldorf. Never mind that Nate said that he'd never want to see or do anything with her again.
He was the one that hurt her the most.
And even if Serena saved her, and would save her, countless and countless of times thereafter, she was locked up in her own bathroom, because of him. Her second best friend. Her second love. Her first everything.
Rode hard and put away wet.
And that line, along with his other painfully used lines, I don't want you anymore, made her shove her little fingers in her throat and force anything inside of her to come out and down into that toilet bowl.
It was like that every night now.
One month, two weeks and forty-five days. It felt like forever.
It was like that every night since that fateful night at the bar and no one even knew about it. Not her mother or father.
Not even Serena.
She would only stop when black or white circles would start clouding her vision.
They made her afraid. Every time. She never had them before.
She knew she should confess to her best friend, her beautiful, thin and golden friend and sister. But she couldn't stand seeing the look of disappointment and pity that would be written in her friend's eyes if she'd ever confess about her new habit. They had been talking about fighting back and getting through the day together and making it back on top, together. If she confessed this, she wouldn't have a 'together' anymore. She wouldn't dare want to lose another friend. She wouldn't dare want to risk hearing what Serena would have say about her.
She was afraid. She always was ever since that night at the bar.
In the back of her mind, she wondered if she should go see a doctor or something because the black and white circles weren't really normal.
None of this was normal.
She flushed the contents at last and looked at herself at the mirror. Chuck was right. She wasn't beautiful anymore. She never was.
When you were beautiful, delicate and untouched...
More hot tears streamed down her face. It was nights like these when the crying and sobbing would never subside until she fell asleep, when she contemplated suicide because that would be the very thing that would end all of it. All this pain.
Wasn't bulimia close to that already?
When she felt completely alone, afraid and dirty.
And Chuck was right.
Because with feelings like these, yes, she would never be beautiful, not now and never again.
She couldn't stand it anymore, looking at herself and so she splashed water her face, making her vision blurry from her reflection. She didn't want to even glance at it anymore. Blair then finally unlocked her bathroom door and started heading towards the comforts of her bed, her body suddenly craving for its warmth.
Her head was spinning, she was dizzy. The black and white circles obstructing her vision of her bed. That was strange. But she didn't mind it. This was a usual thing after her night's activities in her bathroom.
It felt like forever before she finally reached her bed and as soon as she did she collapsed, all of her vision darkened.
When she would wake up, she would never realize that she actually lost consciousness and it wasn't just a mere case of extreme sleepiness and exhaustion. She would never realize that her nightly actions were slowly taking a toll on her. She'd never know. Like how nobody knew her current situation now.
Her days were numbered if she kept this routine on.
So one day she woke up and decided to go visit a doctor.
Not the family's doctor because then her mother would know what was going on and she couldn't have that. Not a public doctor because Gossip Girl was always on alert and even if she was dethroned, oh boy, would they love a juicy story about how the dethroned Queen was visiting the hospital. Oh they'd have a field day. She's pregnant, she's about to enter rehab, she's crazy, she's sick, she's probably there to open her legs for another doctor. Ugh. And the list would go on and on. She didn't any of that right now.
So it was a private doctor still, just not her private doctor, hidden in the very corners of the city, in an old building no one would ever want to be spotted going to. It was a small clinic with all the facilities a real hospital would have. Not that this wasn't real at all.
Blair was sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting room. She didn't mind the wait. She wanted to prolong this meeting as much as possible. She didn't even understand what possessed her to actually come to this morbid place. White walls, white chairs, white clothing, white everything. It made her sick and she just wanted to bolt into the nearest bathroom and just puke all her sickness out.
Voila. And then she remembered why she was here again.
Last night, she'd done her routine again, crying and puking with the black and white circles. And then she slept to find herself waking up still in the bathroom, the contents of stomach all over her and…
That was new. That made her afraid enough to come running all the here in this God-forsaken clinic, canceling all plans she had with Serena. She realized three things that morning.
One. She fainted and fell asleep on her bathroom floor and didn't even know it.
Two. She puked or coughed or whatever, blood. Her blood.
Three. She was worried about what was happening to her.
And that's how she ended up here, in this dreadful place. How she wished Serena would be here by her side, Serena always knew how to make her forget things like this dreary place, the extent of her sickness and all her feelings of worthlessness and pain.
She took out her phone and considered calling Serena, skimming through her contacts list her best friend's name, completely ignoring Gossip Girl's latest post about the new uprising Queen Jenny.
For the love of God, she seriously did not understand why people actually liked and followed that pathetic little bitch. She didn't and neither did Serena, Jenny's petty actions and words to her on the day of her downfall completely turning off the golden princess and seeing her for who she really is. Even Dan was ignoring her. And what hurt Dan the most was how Jenny didn't really care whether Dan talked to her or not. She had her own clique now. She didn't need her brother. He had Serena anyway and now Blair since she was out of the game. Blair actually felt sorry for Dan. She always thought Jenny was a little bitch who could never be trusted. Kissing Nate, talking down to her, and throwing away her one brother? Brother, who would go out of his way to protect his little sister, even if it was coming face-to-face with Chuck himself.
Strange how her fingers had stop at the name of her old friend. The traitor. The lover. The killer. The best friend. Briefly, all her feelings of anger and humiliation towards Chuck disappeared and she wondered how he was doing. How he was dealing with all of this. Was he in speaking terms with Nate? Was he okay? Was he drinking again? Or fucking someone around to forget it all?
Am I crazy?! Blair screamed to herself.
Apparently this whole dethroning thing and hanging out with Cabbage Patch a lot more, was slowly turning her into a softie. Showing concern for Chuck, the main reason as to why she was here. Throw in Nate as well and we have a winner. God, what the - ?
And then, she did the craziest thing she could ever do. At least for today.
She pressed the CALL button.
Her eyes widened and her heart hammered in fear and trepidation as she heard it ring. Oh my God. What was she doing?! Gosh. Who knew that waiting in a place as simple as a hidden clinic would evoke her to do even more crazy actions. Yup. She definitely was at the right place...Next stop, rehab.
She was about to cancel the ridiculous, spur of the moment call when,
Oh my God. He answered! Chuck answered her call! So many things were running through her mind the moment she heard his deep voice. She missed him so. And even if he had said those things, she definitely missed their moments together, as friend or lover.
He was getting impatient and she knew it. She could always read through him, even without seeing each other.
She definitely knew she should say something but no words could leave her mouth at the moment. Another strange thing. This has never happened before. At least not on phone. Shit.
Chuck said, his voice softening over the phone. Briefly, she wondered what he was thinking at that moment.
She was about to respond, she wanted to talk to him so much, wanted to tell him everything and where she is right now. Gone were the thoughts of Serena being by her side, to be replaced with Chuck. She missed him! She missed her old friend, her old friend before the limo scene, before the Debutante Ball, before the destruction of one another.
And then she came crashing back to reality. Back to this little clinic. She wanted to cry suddenly. She looked back at the nurse waiting for her and she just nodded, indicating that she'll follow in awhile. She had to forget Chuck. This was stupid and crazy.
"Sorry…Wrong call…" She blabbered then quickly hung up so no questions would need to be asked on his side of town. She got up and rushed to follow the nurse, forcing herself to forget about her strange impulses and concentrate at the task at hand.
She really hated being in this place.
"Miss Waldorf, we've reviewed your medical conditions and I have to explain to you that right now you're in the most critical condition ever."
The doctor was saying and Blair did not expect this bad news. She was here for a check up and now he's claiming that she is in some critical condition?
"What are you saying?"
Her voice sounded weak and afraid, even to her.
"You are apparently diagnosed with the chronic illness, Bulimia Nervosa and I've seen your previous medical records and I hear you've been having this same problem for quite awhile now, am I right?"
Blair just nodded.
"And it hasn't stopped, even after you've had treatment?"
She hated this but nonetheless answered in her same weak voice.
"It did. It did. But a lot of things are happening in my life now, things which I don't wish to elaborate on, have caused me to continue this…"
The doctor nodded, as if understanding. He was writing in his pad now.
She watched as he wrote whatever he wrote. It made her feel as if she was being judged.
She hated that feeling more than ever.
"Are you experiencing a lot of stress and depression lately? And they make you do this?"
Blair just nodded again.
"When do you usually binge, Miss Waldorf?"
It took a moment for Blair to answer. "Every night now."
The doctor suddenly had a grave look on his face, his pad now kept away. He was looking at her with deep and warning eyes.
"Miss Waldorf, you must listen to me very carefully. You must not interrupt me." She just nodded once more. And suddenly Blair felt like a child, so afraid for her life. What was he going to say?
"Your bulimia has become an obsession to you, like how a person has an addiction to drugs. You must understand that your recurring binging is now slowly causing destruction to your body. You've been dehydrating yourself without even realizing it and that can explain the black and white circles and fainting you've mentioned earlier.
"You also have electrolyte imbalances within your body now which causes serious medical complication like cardiac arrest or brain damage. The blood you've also mentioned was due to what you have acquired now which is gastro esophageal reflux disease or GERD. It's a chronic symptom or musocal damage produced by the abnormal reflux in the esophagus."
Blair felt like crying. She didn't understand half the things he said but she knows it was serious and bad…and dear Lord, she seriously should have just brought in Serena with her.
"…Later on you might be experiencing heartburn. It's a major symptom of acid in the esophagus, characterized by the burning discomfort of the breastbone. You would be having either esophagitis, inflammatory changes in the esophageal lining, strictures, difficulty in swallowing and chronic chest pain. Patients diagnosed with GERD may not have all what I've mentioned. Because of your initial illness, bulimia, you've developed even more diseases like GERD and your electrolyte imbalances.
"Another thing I've discovered in our earlier examination was that you've developed peptic ulcer, an ulcer in the gastrointestinal tact that is usually acidic and thus extremely painful. It has been brewing in there for awhile now. This again, also explains the blood that you've been coughing earlier this morning. Gastrointestinal bleeding is the most common complication. And sudden large bleeding can be life threatening…"
Blair was droning out on the words of her doctor…She didn't understand what was going on. She didn't understand what he was telling her! She suddenly let the tears fall and she covered her eyes in humiliation. She had never broken down in front of a stranger before.
"I'm so sorry…It's just…" She didn't know what to say next. Was she going to die? She felt so afraid. Even with the doctor's hand on her arm, trying to give her comfort made her feel so cold. She shouldn't have come here at all.
She gave herself a moment and then wiped away her tears. She was not going to be a crybaby right now. Serena said to be strong and that was what she going to do.
And so she asked in a brave voice,
"So what's going to happen to me?"
The doctor looked at her for a moment before he sighed and answered gravely.
"Miss Waldorf, I'm sorry for saying this but if this goes on, if your bulimia doesn't get fully treated, then you may have heart failure which could cause your death. If not through heart failure, then it's either your ulcer that can kill you or the gastric rupture that will happen if you don't stop. A lot of things could happen in time if this doesn't stop, if this still goes on every night."
"What else?" Blair dared ask.
"Lung collapse, internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure, pancreatitis, depression and even…suicide. Of course, only one of the mentioned would be the cause of your death but as of now, we can see that you might be nearing to a heart failure or a gastric rupture."
Tear streamed down her face at thought of her own self dying. She didn't realize the extent of her actions.
And suddenly it wasn't just Chuck's fault why this was happening to her. Her bulimia started long before he did. Her bulimia started with her mother and father, then Nate, then Serena, then Nate AND Serena, back to her parents and Nate and then at last, Chuck, the least person she'd thought to make her binge.
She was going to die because of all of them.
Would they even care? She wondered.
Maybe Serena. But then she'll forget Blair because Serena has Dan.
She was meant to die alone.
Everything is falling apart.
Then rebuild it. Fight. Serena's words stronger than ever in her head.
She didn't want to die. She was too young. She didn't want to die because her heart failed her or her stomach ruptured or something.
"I don't want to die."
The doctor looked at her with pitying eyes, used to this line echoed countless of times by his previous patients.
"Stabilizing a person's physical condition will be the immediate goal if the individual is in a life-threatening state, which is what you are currently in. I will give you several medications that you must take at the exact time I give them to one. One is an anti-depressant, one is for your heart and another for the ulcer. Of course, by taking these medications nothing is final and none of this will cure by tomorrow.
"I will be giving you nutrition dietary, where everyday you take in something healthy and something that will make you feel good about yourself, meaning it won't make you fat, again at certain times during the day. You must follow them succinctly, Miss Waldorf or all your medications will be for nothing."
Blair just nodded fervently, taking it all in, willing to do anything to keep herself 6 feet below the ground.
"Every week you must come back here for consultation and updates and I will be your new personal clinical psychologist. Leading a physically and emotionally life is your main goal now, Miss Waldorf. And patience is a vital part in your recovery process. You have to make an effort or you will end up hospitalized."
"I understand." She did. She'd follow her doctor, Doctor Wayne or something or other, she'd get to know that later. She did not want to die. She was going to make all the effort to make herself better.
Her doctor gave her list of medications and she stood up to go.
"Thank you." Blair said sincerely to him, tears glistening once again in her eyes.
Doctor Wayne just nodded.
She slowly headed out of the door before he gave her one last warning.
"You must never leave your house without your medication. No matter what happens, no matter what the occasion, you must always have them with you, ready to be taken at the exact times I've given you."
"I understand." Blair responded.
And with that she finally left.
And when she finally stepped out of the building, she finally breathed a great sigh of relief.
She didn't know how she felt at that moment.
She was dying. And no one even knew that. Not her parents.
Not even Serena.
She'd fight it, of course. But what if it wasn't enough?
She was so, so afraid. She'd lost control so many times. How could she assure to herself that she could do this on her own?
She walked throughout the rest of the afternoon and finally she found herself standing on the steps of the Palace hotel.
Blair would never tell her best friend her situation right now. But Serena always knew how to make her feel better. She needed her best friend more than ever now.
And so she ended up now standing in front Serena's suite, knocking and waiting for her golden sister to answer. Her eyes were puffed and red and she knew she looked like a total mess but Serena would make it better, if only it didn't take her so long to answer the damn door.
"Blair! Dear, what a pleasant surprise! We were just having a family dinner but oh! You're welcome to join us!"
Well at least it was the golden mother, Lily Vander Woodsen who greeted her. Blair just smiled gratefully in return.
"Is Serena around?"
"Yes, she's here. I'm sure she'd love to see you. Chuck too."
Blair froze. What?
But before anything else could register in her brain, Lily linked her arm with hers and dragged her to the dining room, where yes, they were having their family dinner. Except apparently it was the entire VanderBass family. Serena, Erik, Lily, Bart Bass and Chuck.
"Blair!" Serena exclaimed happily, always in delight when seeing her best friend, especially now when this family dinner was just a total nightmare. She got up and ran to her best friend, hugging the little petite brunette in greeting. "What are you doing here? I'm so glad you came!"
Chuck looked up from his plate and gazed at the newcomer, watching her from a distance. He'd rather not see her or be in close proximity with her, of course. He'd definitely take up on that Scotch he was planning later that evening and maybe Cindy, that girl at the bar last night who giving him hints that she'd be there again tonight just for him.
"You're welcome to join us, Blair." His father spoke up from his position. Chuck definitely did not want that.
"Thank you, Mr. Bass." Blair said gratefully to Chuck's father. There was something different about her today, Chuck observed. And he was curious to what that something is.
"But is it alright if I steal Serena for just a moment? I would just like to have a word with her, please." Her eyes were glistening. What the hell happened? Chuck wondered.
"Of course." Bart permitted at once. And that was all Blair needed to hear to drag Serena to the other room, the living room, away from the people, away from Chuck.
"Blair, what's up?"
Serena asked, when they were quite away for anyone to hear their conversation, but their presence still visible to the people eating in the dining room.
Suddenly, Blair was so tempted to confess and tell everything to her friend. She couldn't do this alone, she knew, not even if she tried and all her feelings of fear and death crept through her. And she didn't know what to do anymore…
"Blair, what's wrong?"
Serena sensed something was definitely up. She finally noticed the puffed eyes of her friends' and her disheveled hair and clothes. If it had anything to do with a certain brunette ass in the other room, she'd definitely do something about it.
"Is it Chuck again? What did he do?"
Blair shook her head and finally broke down to Serena.
Serena took her in her arms at once, trying to soothe her nerves, comforting her.
"I'm so scared, Serena. I've never been this scared my entire life. Please…Please let me stay here…I really don't know what to do anymore."
She was sobbing. Blair barely sobbed. And her sobs reached the other room, where other occupants had heard her sob and looked about to see what was the commotion all about. Chuck furrowed his brows worriedly. What happened?
"Ssh. Blair. Everything will be alright."
"No. NO! You don't understand. You have no idea… I can't tell you but I want to because I don't want to go through this alone."
"You don't need to be alone, Blair. I'm here, remember? I'll always be here."
But I won't.
Blair's thoughts made her even sob more.
She had stayed over that evening. With worried looks from Lily, Bart and Eric, Chuck skulking, watching the tearful brunette in the arms of his step-sister from a corner and Serena's hand stroking Blair's hair until she finally fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.
One that she hadn't had in a long time now.
None of them even realized she was slowly dying.
To be continued...
A/N: Reviews please! It's my first GG fic. Uhm, the whole medical part is kinda mixed up because there really are alot of complications when bulimia is prolonged or given no treatment or continuous. Alot really can happen. I just got the big parts and connected them. They are quite possible to have at the same time I think.
The doctor part really sucked, I'm so sorry. But you get the gist. hahaa.
So. Please review! Eventual Chuck and Blair I promise! haha.