A/N: Coyote has a problem with what happened in Mystery Spot. This is pure crack, people. An AU oneshot. Woke up this morning and the damned thing wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. Written quickly and totally unbeta'd, so the blame is mine, all mine. BTW: Bear is a kachina who happens to look just like actor Michael Clarke Duncan.
If you've never seen Tall Tales, Mystery Spot, or read Dog Eat Dog, you're probably gonna go, WTF?
For the rest of you who have, hope you enjoy this.
Summary: Never get a demi-god drunk.
Death by Golden Retriever
By silver ruffian
"Demon master plan my furry brown ass," Coyote slurred. He rolled his shoulders underneath his black fatigue jacket as he hunched over the bar nursing his third drink of the night. Several patrons walked by and cast appreciative glances at the aforementioned ass. While it was a very very nice one, at the moment it was neither furry nor brown.
He was two-legged now, green eyed, freckled, and broad-shouldered, with spiky dark blond hair and totally wasted, which oddly enough made him look all that more adorable.
It was a well known fact that Coyote had been out of circulation for a while, and after that length of time he was bound to be as horny as hell. Several of the patrons sat there scheming on how to entice him to come home with them. Truth to tell, it wouldn't have taken much.
Bear and Sam Winchester walked in, and several of the beings there took one look at Sam, blanched, and quickly turned away. Good Grief, the AntiChrist. The Boy King. That destiny came true in the other dimensions. Might still come to pass in this one.
Usually normals weren't even allowed in Dionysus' place. The fact that Sam was even able to walk in past the wards ol' Di put on the place only made some of the others even more nervous.
Sam tried not to stare. Heck, he'd seen things in his short life that would have driven hardened hunters batshit. This was the first time he'd ever been around a group of beings who looked like the things his family hunted and they had absolutely no interest in killing or maiming him.
This scantily clad red devil woman sitting at one of the nearby tables winked at Sam and made the "call me" gesture with her thumb and pinky. Sam shrugged. Oh well.
A very large man in a pearl gray suit walked by and Sam did a double take. Dude looked just like Batista of the WWE. Sam shook his head. Nah, couldn't be.
The big dude glanced mildly at Coyote and the Old Man turned around and glared at him, growled deep in his throat. "Yeah? What're you lookin' at, Short Round?"
"Ares, God of War," Bear murmured to Sam, and Sam felt his game face slip dangerously sideways.
Ares looked bored, like he'd seen it all before. He kept on walking and Coyote snarled at his back, "Yeah, you better run. Poser."
"Hey, can we get some coffee over here? Black." Bear called out to the bar keep as he slid onto the seat next to Coyote. Sam took the seat on Coyote's other side.
"Ain't drinkin' no damn coffee," Coyote muttered crossly.
"If I were you, I'd calm down," Bear rumbled. "Not only are they gonna think you're weak, now you're gonna be the town drunk."
Coyote pursed his lips. "Hmph. Like that's ever gonna happen."
Bear leaned forward and looked directly at Sam. "He gets like this sometimes," Bear whispered. Sam looked doubtful, and Bear shrugged.
"Hello. I'm sitting right here." Coyote swayed on the bar stool, wide-eyed.
Sam could feel that game face of his slip sliding around like a marble in a greasy cast iron skillet. He was going into his third month of life with Dean as Coyote, and he never could get over it. Dean had brought Dad back, could do all those amazing things, and just when Sam thought he'd seen it all, something else came up. Like this.
According to Bear, Dean was sound asleep inside the body he and Coyote shared. With any luck Dean wouldn't remember anything that Coyote had done or seen, and besides, this was the first time that Sam was around the Old Man while Dean was out like a light. Sam wasn't gonna waste this chance.
"Kali. Huh." Coyote snorted noisily as he watched the goddess wiggle across the floor, a pitcher of beer in each hand. One of the pitchers in her upper left hand came dangerously close to tipping over, but she righted herself at the last moment and continued on her way. She sipped daintily at the whiskey glass in her dominant right hand and when she glanced over and saw Coyote she scowled and rolled her eyes.
"Wouldn't think she'd be so damned clumsy w'alla them arms, but she is," Roamer murmured. "She's a screamer too. During sex. Did'ja know that?"
Bear frowned. "Whoa. Whoa, Old Man, way too much information."
"Yep," Coyote said solemnly. "Mus' have some prayin' mantis in her, too, 'cause she tried to bite my damn head off. And you can take that any way ya wanna." He lifted the glass to his mouth and then stared dully as he finally realized the beer was totally gone. He put the glass down with a too hard thump on the counter and smiled dopily. "Hi, Sam."
Sam smiled. "Hi yourself. How you and Dean getting along?"
"Me an' Dean? Dean an' me? All right." Then as an afterthought: "He's bossy."
Sam laughed. "Yeah, he is."
The black coffee finally arrived and Coyote stared at it with disgust.
Bear looked up frowning. "Hey, Di."
"Bear, my friend!" Dionysus roared, and the sound of his voice made Sam jump. "How are you? And this must be the Old Man's brother. Any relative of the First Artist is always welcome here."
Sam nodded. Dionysus was huge, round, and jolly. He had a headful of wavy dark brown hair and a beard that reached to his waist.
"Uh huh." Bear snorted. "What have you been letting this one drink?"
"Just beer." Dionysus tried to look innocent and failed miserably. "With Ambrosia shots," he added meekly.
"Ambrosia? You know he can't handle that!"
Coyote cradled his head on his arms down on the counter top and rocked back and forth humming tunelessly. He giggled to himself (giggled? Sam thought) but he wasn't letting anyone else in on the joke.
"But he was so tense when he came in." Dionysus exclaimed. "I wanted to loosen him up."
"Loosen him up?" Bear scowled. "He's so loose now he can hardly move. Was that your plan?"
"Well, yes. He wrecked the last place I had, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Bear nodded. "Forgot about that."
"Well, I have other patrons to attend to. Whatever you three want," Dionysus boomed, "it's on the house."
He faded out in a snap of white static.
Bear poked Coyote in the shoulder. "Okay now. I want to know what got you so riled up. You said you watched this over and over again for 100 days?"
"Why the hell didn't you put a stop to it?"
"Powers That Be wouldn't let me," Coyote mumbled into his arm. Sam somehow resisted the urge to pat him on the head. "Can't stand those lousy bitches." Coyote's eyes misted up and his voice quavered. "It was horrible."
"Wasn't even your kid." Sam's eyes widened at that, and Bear suddenly got the feeling that he really shouldn't say anything more than that.
He hadn't told Sam anything else but that they had to go collect Coyote and that the Old Man was intent on getting gloriously drunk. And anyway, Bear didn't want to be the one to tell Sam Winchester that Dean had died over and over again somewhen else. Just because it happened over there didn't mean it was going to happen here.
Coyote raised up and swayed a little on his seat. He had this shadowy look in those green eyes of his that told Bear things could swing either way, from emo to rageful. The yellow glow in his pupils waxed and waned.
"Didn't you tell me it was some kind of, what did you call it? Alternate Universe, AU or something? What the hell were you even doing over there anyway?"
Coyote looked suddenly shifty-eyed. "Had business to take care'a," he mumbled softly.
"Yeah. I'll bet." Bear quirked an eyebrow at him. "Like that time you diverted that river back in the day so I couldn't fish in it, like we agreed?"
"Dun't…don't bemember that." Sam nearly cracked up. Bemember? Oh, this was priceless.
Coyote leaned towards Bear and put a finger to his lips. At least he tried to. He kept missing and finally gave up. "Not in front'a the K-I-D." He pointed backwards at Sam. "Tell 'ya later."
"Yeah, right. Well, whatever this is, it'll be okay."
"Sure it will, Dory," Coyote chirped.
Bear blinked. "Isn't that a kid's movie? Wait, you mean you and Dean sat there and watched that? I would have figured you guys for a western or a horror movie or something."
"So?" Coyote sniffed noisily. "I cried when they found 'im."
Coyote turned around and stared at Sam, and Sam was totally unprepared when the Trickster threw his arms around him and literally engulfed him in a tight hug.
It was okay at first, but then…
"Can't breathe…" Sam squeaked.
Coyote tightened his grip, then patted Sam roughly on his back. Sam's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.
"You were so damn brave!" Coyote gushed, and Sam felt even more confused.
"That was so wrong on so many levels." Bear shook his head. "Okay. Let's get you home."
Coyote finally let go, and as he pulled back he stared at Sam up and down. He shuddered. "You were one scary mo fo, you know it?"
"Let's go, Roamer." Bear said quickly. "That's enough."
" 'kay. I'm drivin'" Coyote slid off the bar stool and would have hit the floor if Sam hadn't caught one elbow, and Bear caught the other. He grinned up at them cheerily as he hung suspended in mid-air. " 's nice."
Damn, Sam thought. I'm never gonna let Dean hear the end of this. And right then and there Sam had second thoughts, because if he did tell Dean, Dean would probably never allow stuff like this to happen ever again.
So Sam decided to keep his damn mouth shut.
"Well, there you are," a husky female voice purred smoothly behind Sam. He turned around and was pleasantly surprised when he was able to look her right in the eyes. She was just as tall as he was.
"Samuel Winchester, this is Artemis, goddess of the hunt."
Sam nodded. "Pleased to meet you."
She smiled. Long bluish black hair pulled back into a ponytail. Violet eyes, and the body of an Amazon. She wore a red shirt and faded jeans and still looked spectacular.
She regarded Coyote warmly. "Come to collect the old furball huh? Good thing I caught you before you left."
Coyote leered as he pulled himself back up. "Hello, darlin'."
"Wanna come home with me? We can ditch the kid and the ur.. ursi…the..the bear."
"Nah, too easy. You're drunk."
Coyote blinked owlishly. "Never stopped ya before."
"Way too easy, Roamer," Artemis said, smiling, "Here." She thrust a purple Post-it note into his hand. "Here's the information you wanted. About you know who. Where he'll be for the next few days. Don't say I never did anything for you." She didn't even wait for him to say thanks, just turned on her heel and walked away.
Coyote groaned when she walked over to Ares' table and sat down.
Artemis had seen 'em come and seen 'em go. Some of them she liked.
This one she didn't like. He was too cocky by half. No style. No imagination. No class. Got his inspiration from rags like the Daily News, for Hespaestus' sake. She'd heard about that job he pulled at Crawford Hall. Sexed up ETs. Alligators in the sewers.
Meh. That was so last century.
She was strictly old school in her taste for tricksters. Loki. Spider.
Nice ass on that one, and bow-legged to boot.
She came around in various disguises. That little old lady down the street, that pimply faced kid who lived next door. It was the thrill of the hunt, and this trickster didn't suspect a thing. She watched him move around, overheard his plans, and she understood he was going to stay put for a while.
It was too bad she couldn't hang around and watch.
That big easy chair came with the house. It was a huge, massive thing, and he felt like he could just sink down into it and never get back up.The trickster sat down and levered the chair backwards. He let out a deep sigh of contentment as he settled in, pulled out his copy of the Daily News and perused the headlines.
Alien frog babies running amok in New Jersey, bat-winged angels hovering over Las Vegas, Nevada. Ah well, where to begin?
He'd heard the rumors. Several of his friends, fellow tricksters, had even sidled up to him with a warning.
"Little furry dude, about yay tall. Yellow eyes. Dude's a freakin' maniac. He's gunning for you, bro. Better watch your back."
Hmph. Coyote was old school. Everyone knew he'd been walled up for over twenty years by that kid he was with. And the fact that the kid was the Dean Winchester in that other AU, well, so what? The trickster had done a number on the Winchesters in his dimension, and that was all that mattered.
The trickster barely felt it when the chair shifted back. He didn't react fast enough when he felt himself sucked backwards into the folding mechanism of the chair and his spine and insides compacted with a sickeningly loud wet crunch.
Gotcha, Coyote grinned.
Death by golden retriever, electrocution, food poisoning, heavy wooden objects falling from the sky….oh, there were so many variations, and not enough time.
One hundred days to go.
Please review and let me know if I should go back on my medication.