Disclaimer: I own nothing.
This story is dedicated to my lsm, ronOReds.
Thank you for letting me read one of you stories before I knew of fanfiction, for not being sketched out when I lurked on fanfiction reading the rest of your stories, for sending me link after link of everything there is to know online about Twilight, for reading and re-reading every chapter of my stories because I'm paranoid, for recommending my story to your readers so that I now have readers, but most importantly for being my lsm.
A/N: Inspired by a joke I made to myself in my mind, and of course, being me, found ridiculously humorous. Enjoy
The morning had dawned freezing, damp, and full of snow. So much snow, 15 inches to be exact, that even Forks felt compelled to cancel school. So of course I was spending the day with the Cullens, and even Carlisle had the day off today.
"Bella, want a makeover?" Alice squealed suddenly
I sighed inwardly. Here we go again. "Absolutely not Alice Cullen, and don't try to carry me up there either!" I retorted quickly from my spot on the couch.
"But Bell-a" she dragged out, "I'm bo-red" Her face pouted staring at me from the floor.
"Ladies, ladies, ladies, do not worry. We have an excellent idea" Emmett entered the living room, Edward and Jasper in tow. "you can watch us have a snowball fight"
"Oh geez, thanks Emmett" Rose replied sarcastically from the love seat where she was flipping through magazines, "How long have you been saving that treat for?"
"Really Emmett, why would that seem fun for us? We want to play!" Alice joined in, bouncing in place.
"Yes, we do!" Esme and Carlisle had just walked in to see what the commotion was all about.
"Well…alright then" he finally let in, "But I get to be a team captain"
I got up quickly, excited about a snowball fight. If ever I had a secret passion, it was indulging in a good snowball fight. I grabbed my coat and started bundling up when IT happened.
"Bella dear, don't think you have to join us" Edward spoke to me from across the room, "why don't I just bundle you up in the rocking chair on the porch to watch?"
I turned my head slowly to face him, trying to keep a generic smile on my face. "And why wouldn't I want to join you Edward?" I asked sweetly
"My love…" he began like talking to a two year old, "you know you aren't the most athletic of people…" He and Emmett chuckled at that, finding it amusing. I sucked air in, freezing so I wouldn't do anything I would regret later. Like break his CD's.
"Oh no, dear" I replied evenly, "not only will I play, but I will be the other team captain"
With that announcement, I went to stand next to Emmett, forcing Edward to relinquish the captainship he assumed was his. I looked up to see Jasper and Esme attempting to hold their laughter in check, while Alice, Rose, and Carlisle openly laughed. Edward just looked shocked.
"Ladies first" I smiled up at Emmett. He nodded his consent for me to go first. I saw Edward take a step forward, anticipating himself picked.
"Jasper" I quickly chose. He walked over smilingly. Edward looked like his piano had just caught fire.
Rose looked at Emmett expectantly. "Edward" he called out, looking at Rose from the corner of his eye. "Rosie baby, you know I had to…I'll pick you next"
She just had an evil smile cross her face while she nodded slowly. I knew what I had to do: "Rosalie" I called out next, and her smile got even bigger.
"Oh no…I'm in for it now…" Emmett grumbled next to me.
"Alice" He picked out next
"Carlisle – sorry Esme but I need an even balance of guys and girls" I finally said.
"Don't worry dear, Emmett wanted me on his team anyways" she winked at me and quickly walked to join Emmett's ranks.
I led my team outside to the backyard, surveying the layout. Their yard was huge, and had clumps of trees and bushes scattered throughout. All in all, it was a perfect battlefield. Emmett came out next and quickly drew the starting battle-line. That would be the point we all began from, and would have to stage attacks to gain more ground. I started to get excited, adrenaline pulsing through my veins. If there was one thing Isabella Swan was undeniably good at, it was staging a snowball fight.
I walked out to see that Emmett had just drawn the battle-line. I turned to look at Bella standing a few yards away and saw her face slowly light up in a smile. I was glad to see her happy, but was wondering at the insanity that caused her to want to participate, let alone be team captain. She made me doubt her sanity even more just a few seconds later. I had turned around to ask Emmett something, and by the time I turned back, Bella had walked into the middle of the yard.
She was hunched down, one hand down in front of her in the snow, the other behind her keeping her balanced. She looked side to side, scanning the ground. Her hand sifted through the snow, rubbing some between her fingers.
"Hm… decent texture…" she mumbled to herself. "Slight wind…two clearings…hilly south-south-west of battleline…"
"Um Bella? Can I ask what exactly you are doing?" I asked tentatively, unsure of what had come over her.
"Regional analysis, duh Edward" She replied, her attention never leaving the ground. I thought Emmett would explode from laughter.
"Re-gion-al an-al-y-sis" he finally gasped out, "Bella you are such a silly human"
Her head snapped up, her eyes locking with Emmett's. He froze at her expression.
"Get to your side of the battle-line Cullen – NOW!" She barked.
Emmett ran across the line like a pack of adolescent girls was chasing him. I stared at her, shock taking over me. Who was this and what had she done with my Bella?
"You too Edward, before I decide to not go easy on you" she continued.
At that I smirked, "Go easy on me?" I asked confidently.
She slowly stood and walked towards me. Her face was void of emotion. Stopping two feet away from me, she crossed her arms and clearly spoke. "This. Is. War."
I stared at Bella in awe. I had finally found someone who shared my love of battles. She even conducted regional analysis! I looked her clearly in the eye as I said,
"Bella, you would have made a great general"
She stared up at me, surprise lighting her face for a moment. "Thanks Jazz" she said softly. "Now lets get to work"
She called us all over to her in the middle of our side, behind a cluster of trees to plan our strategy. I was surprised to see that she held a notepad and a pencil. She scribbled furiously on it and held it up for us to see:
Ok, I can't talk because of stupid vampire hearing. First things first, all of you start singing the song you think Edward hates the most in your minds, AND DON'T STOP SINGING IT. If you need a song, I know he particularly cannot stand Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls or You and Your Hand by Pink. Let me know when you are all sufficiently immersed in your chosen songs.
I burst out laughing, Bella was a genius. First for thinking of the notebook and second for her song choices: They totally went against Edward's antiquated moralities. Next to me Rose and Carlisle were also hysterically laughing. They finally calmed down and we signaled to her that we were ready in our minds. She had our next message written out already:
As for the psychic little pixie, all of you have learned how to get around her mind a bit. Just keep your decisions for the last second, keep changing your mind to confuse her. So far so good?
We nodded again, beginning to match her serious mood.
The snow is a manageable texture – a bit too powdery on top – but just make sure to make your ammo from the wetter snow on the bottom. Here's a chart to show you your positions, all directions are set from the base. Our base is HERE, where we are standing. Rose you will attack from the NNW corner of our side. There is a clump of bushes. Having you closest to the line will confuse Emmett. You try your best to confuse him even more.
Rose's face lit up in a smile. She threw Bella a thumb's up.
Carlisle, you take the group of bushes slightly NE from here. Make sure to build an extensive pile of ammo there. When we push our enemy back, we will need to make where you are our new base. IN THE SLIGHT CHANCE THEY HAPPEN TO ADVANCE ON US – DESTROY OUR AMMO. WE WILL NOT AID THEM.
Carlisle nodded at Bella, showing his understanding. She then turned and smiled evilly at me.
Jazz – You and I hold down this base. We will build extensive ammo and go in for the main attack. Rose and Carlisle will cover our backs and keep the enemy on their toes while we advance. Now, Jazz, you go get some sturdy sticks and some pine branches. We need to fortify our main base. And everybody, the signal to advance is RED, retreat is BLUE and back to home base is YELLOW. The signal for Rose and Carlisle to begin pelting them to cover Jazz and I is FLYING EAGLE. Ok? Hands in, BREAK on three.
We all put our hands in and at Bella's count, "ONE, TWO, THREE…"
"What the..?" I exploded suddenly, my head snapped over to the other side of the backyard. I saw Bella standing in front with the rest huddled around her. She was holding a notebook and scribbling furiously. I had heard laughing a few moments before my brain got bombarded.
"What is it?" Alice asked. Her, Emmett, and Esme looking at me curiously.
"Look!" I pointed, "She's writing to them and now they are all singing songs I hate most!" I held my ears between my hands in vain, trying to get those sounds out of my head. Rosalie was singing Pussycat Dolls, 'Buttons', Jasper was singing an awful rendition of 'Dixie', and Carlisle was humming the opening song to ER.
"Don't worry Edward, I'll be able to see their choices, remember?" Alice asked sweetly, tapping the side of her head with her finger.
"Yea that's true…" I sighed, still frustrated by the outcome.
"Alright team gather around." Emmett began excitedly, "you know we have this one in the bag, I mean come on, I'm obviously the better captain – no offense Eddie" I could only nod at him, my mind still upset by the singing. "Lets make sure to make a lot of ammo and lets pair off." Emmett continued. "I'll take Carlisle, Edward take Jasper, Alice take Rose, and Esme take Bella." I nodded my consent, glad Esme was on Bella. I knew Esme would go easy on my love.
"Alice?" I asked, hoping she had received some inclination of what they were up to.
"Hold on let me check" She replied, and her face took on her focused look. Ok it seems that Rose will be up front and Carlisle…no wait, Rose is in the back now…damn now she's guarding Esme…UGH! THEY'RE BLOCKING MY MIND!" She finally screamed out in frustration. At the sound of her voice the other team responded by falling down in hysterical laughter.
"Oh no they didn't" Alice snapped, "Nobody gets away with doing that to Alice Cullen"
At that outburst I thought Rose and Bella were going to hyperventilate from how hard they were laughing.
Emmett was frustrated at our lack of focus. "Just get some ammo ready guys, we'll show them we mean business on the field"
"That we most certainly will" I said, a grim smile on my face.
My plan was brilliant. Flawless if you will. Staging this particular attack was my specialty, and not even one of my better ones. I wasn't kidding when I told Edward I would go easy on them. I sent Carlisle and Rose to their spots, they ran at vampire speed and thus were not seen by the opposition, who was to busy building up their ammo supplies where we could see them. Amateurs.
"Here we are" I turned at the sound of Jasper's voice, pleased to see he was already back with the branches and sticks.
"Excellent. Ok lets place these branches a foot apart from one another, and interweave the branches" I whispered quickly. I looked up surveying our base area. "On second thought, only fortify the right side, with a double wall for extra protection. They way we're angled doesn't allow for an effective attack on our left side"
Jasper's face lit up with a huge smile. "Bella, you are seriously one of my favorite people." With that he quickly got to work, and in a matter of minutes had our base fortified. We piled the extra materials to carry to Carlisle in case we advanced our base. We then stealthily peeked out to observe what the enemy was up to. After a few moments we turned to one another. Jasper smiled slowly, his excitement at the realization evident.
Man to man. They were going for man to man coverage. It really couldn't get any better.
"We're ready over here" Emmett's voice boomed out.
"Same here" I yelled back
"BEGIN!" He responded. And we were off.
Jasper began defending the weak right side of our base from behind the fort. After watching him a few moments I realized he was a pro. Edward and Esme's attempts at attack were being constantly thwarted. I quickly checked the status of Carlisle and Rosalie. Carlisle was holding his own, rapidly firing snowball after snowball at Emmett, who was attempting to retaliate.
"Com'on Carlisle, I'm sure you can do better than that!" Emmett taunted, bouncing in his excitement.
The next second he got a massive snowball straight in his face. I withheld my laughter, and turned quickly to check on Rose. She and Alice were similarly engaged on the other side of the lawn. Rose kept sending a steady stream of fire at Alice, who just kept bouncing around like some complicated sort of dance, laughing as she dodged each snowball. I smiled, satisfied at our start. We had convinced them that they had a chance. I quickly glanced down at my watch. Two minutes. In two minutes our real attack would begin. For now I'd let their hope build.
This was way too easy.
Emmett and Alice were effectively attacking Carlisle and Rosalie while Esme and I were attacking Jasper's fort. True, we hadn't really made a dent yet but still, it was only about two minutes in and Bella had yet to make an appearance.
I soon realized how wrong I was.
Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Rosalie slowly stood up from her hiding place, making herself shown to Emmett. At that moment Carlisle switched from attacking Emmett, to attacking Alice. Rosalie slowly started to pull her shirt off, staring at Emmett. He stood transfixed.
"Emmett! NO!" Alice screamed out, realizing too late that we had been very effectively set up.
But it was too late. Rosalie's shirt came flying across the yard slamming into Emmett's face and momentarily blinding him. I looked up warily to where Jasper and Bella were hidden.
Something was about to go down.
I watched as Rosalie slowly stood up, making her location known to Emmett. Alice, who had been attacking Rosalie, then began to get attacked by Carlisle. The perfect switch. I glanced across the yard to see Esme and Edward had paused, cautiously searching the area, waiting for Jasper and I to emerge. My eyes zoned in next to them. Bingo. Their base stood not ten feet away from them, and about thirty feet behind the battle line. It was the perfect location and not well fortified from what I could make out with my trained eye. This was way too easy.
At that moment Rosalie began to slowly pull her shirt over her head. Emmett stood frozen. It was the time we needed. Alice's warning shout came a second too late. Her shirt off, Rosalie quickly whipped it across the lawn. It hit Emmett full force in his face.
"FLYING EAGLE!" I screamed loudly. And we took off.
Rosalie and Carlisle began to rapidly fire snowballs, each of them distracting two of the enemy. Jasper and I loaded ourselves with ammunition and began the attack.
He ran out first, chucking snowballs to keep them distracted. He positioned himself right on the edge of the battle line. This was my cue. I ran out, dodging snowball after snowball. I held tightly to my ammo, is was critical for success. I saw Jasper looming ahead of me, crouched low to the ground, his back towards me. I quickly calculated the distance. Running straight to him I jumped up, using his back as leverage. As I flew over him, he grabbed my feet and gave me an extra push upwards.
The combined momentum of my jump and his push helped me gain the height I needed for my attack. Keeping my eyes on the fort, I was unable to focus on the four shocked expressions in front of me. With my sight zoned in on my target, I began a rapid fire attack on their fort just as I reached my maximum height. Halfway down my descent I ran out of ammo, but just in time. Their fort had easily crumbled under the onslaught of missiles I had fired. I landed easily in the snow, crouched low, and quickly did a roll dodge to the safety of the bushes next to me.
"RED!" At my call, my team quickly regrouped and began advancing on the enemy, showering them with snowballs. The enemy began retreating hastily, still attempting to retaliate. Jasper ran back to our initial fort and grabbed the extra materials. He quickly fortified the spot where Carlisle had been stationed.
He manned the fort while Rosalie, Carlisle and I all took up new stations in our newly acquired domain. We lucked out because the enemy had already built ammo piles here, and hadn't destroyed them upon their retreat. Amateurs.
I heard Bella scream "Flying Eagle" and my world came crashing down. Was this my Bella?
Jasper ran out first, attacking us with ammo. Reaching the battle line, I was surprised to see him crouch down low. That's when I saw her. She emerged from her fort, arms laden with ammo. With a speed and grace I had never believed possible, Bella wove in and out of the line of fire, not getting hit once by a snowball. She ran full speed at Jasper.
"What the…" I asked to no one in particular. She was almost to Jasper but still going full speed.
"O.M.C." I heard Alice gasp, her face lit in complete and utter shock.
Bella finally reached Jasper, but instead of tripping over him like I had believed her to, she leapt on his back and propelled herself into the air. Jasper gave her an extra push, and she soared into the sky. Before I could even react, she started pelting our fort with snowballs. She hit her target every single time. Who knew my Bella could aim? But she wasn't finished yet. She landed, landed, not fell, smoothly and then executed a roll dodge that would make James Bond proud.
My team all stood in shock. Heck, her team stood in shock too. All except for Jasper who was grinning like the Confederates had won the Civil War.
But no, Bella still wasn't finished.
"RED" is all I heard before they all emerged and started advancing, snowball after snowball descending on us. I tried desperately to retaliate, knowing if they advanced successfully it would be much harder to push them back and actually win this battle. But to no avail. Our fort was destroyed, and we got pushed back to the lower half of our side.
They managed to take half of our terrain in less than three minutes.
I stepped outside of our fort to see what the rest of my team was up to. Carlisle and Rosalie were busy building ammo piles in their new locations. Bella however, vampire-speed-less Bella, stood in her location, ammo pile already completed, with one hand on her hip and the other eating an apple.
I ran quickly towards her, while the enemy was distracted regrouping.
She turned when she saw me. "Ah, Jasper, there you are. The fort complete?"
"Aye aye, Captain" I responded, saluting her.
She laughed quickly, before taking another bite of her apple.
"Not bad for our first three minutes" She began, surveying the area around us, her voice slightly muffled by her chewing, "Of course, we could have completed that simple of an attack in under thirty seconds, but its amateurs we're dealing with. No need to ridicule them too much."
With that she tossed her apple core into the forest, crouched low behind her clump of bushes, and dismissed me with a wave of her hand.
Step two was even better then step one, if possible. And it was a spur of the moment decision. The enemy had decided to cluster together behind one base, and attack as one unit. Interesting approach, but unfortunately for them, easily combated.
I quickly signaled to Carlisle, Rosalie, and Jasper. They made their way over to me, where I had my notebook ready with the picture drawn of our attack. Jasper being the quickest of us four would run around and come up from behind. Rosalie and Carlisle would get sent up the side flanks, and once they were in line with the fort, cut in and make a direct attack. I would attack from straight ahead, being the biggest distraction since they were currently awe-struck by me. This way we would execute a basic pincher battle move, and they wouldn't even see it coming.
They nodded their understanding and went back to their stations to arm themselves. I quickly ran into the woods right next to where I was stationed and found a nice sturdy branch. I would need some sort of protection from the flying snowballs of four vampires attacking me at once. Hopefully they would be so distracted by me, they wouldn't see the others until it was too late. Arming myself, I slowly stepped out.
"Ok, we need to rethink our tactics obviously" a flustered Emmett began, running a hand through his hair. "How about this. Lets all stay together and attack as one unit. That way we can stage a more successful attack. Obviously our man to man isn't going to work against them"
We all nodded our approval, and began to fortify our chosen space. I glanced over to the other side to notice that Bella was once again using her notebook to communicate. I inwardly groaned. I could only begin to imagine what she had planned next. I made a mental note to never underestimate Bella Swan again. Ever.
When we finished our ammo piles, we all turned warily to watch the other team who were all back in their respective hiding spaces once more. I thought I knew which one Bella was in but I wasn't completely positive. I didn't have to wait long to find out.
She stepped out behind the bushes I had thought her in slowly. In one hand she held a solid looking stick, and in the other she held a snowball. She had a pile of snowballs resting on her jacket too, which she had formed into a pouch of sorts by folding up the hem towards her, and pulling the two elastic drawstring on the side. She stared at us for a moment, a sneaky smile creeping into her face. And then she started running. Right towards us. She threw her first snowball, and the rest of us retaliated. We all began attacking her at once, hurling snowball after snowball. But instead of hitting her she began twirling the stick she held in her hand.
Emmett's jaw hit the ground. "Emmett com'on!" Alice screamed "You can be shocked later!"
She twirled the stick around in circles with her hand, waving it in front of her to destroy any snowballs that got near to her. With the other hand she kept a steady attack of snowballs launching towards us.
It was then I noticed the rest of them from the corner of my eye.
"NNOOOOOOO!" Emmett's wail pierced the silence, echoing through the backyard. We were effectively closed in. Rosalie and Carlisle had snuck up from the sides, while Jasper had come up from behind. I knew defeat when I saw it flashing this obviously in front of me.
"Emmett, it's time" Esme said gently.
"I cant Esme! I..just..can't" Emmett sobbed through the hands covering his face.
"Grow up Emmett" Rosalie smirked, "It's not the first time you've lost"
"But it's the first time I've lost to BELLA" he replied, emphasizing Bella's name.
Bella stepped up to him, crouching low so she was eye to eye with Emmett.
"Yes Emmett, it is. And it won't be the last." she stared him straight in the eye.
With a last sigh of defeat, Emmett stood up and shook Bella's hand in defeat. I still stood shocked, staring blankly. Jasper came over and patted me on the back. I growled in response. Hearing me, Bella looked up at me. She stared at me for a moment, before throwing her head back and laughing. In seconds, everyone had joined in.
"Great…" I muttered, "My whole family finds this amusing."
"Bella, you don't by any chance play Battleship, do you?" Jasper asked, excitement evident in his tone.
"Do I play? I am the MASTER of Battleship" Bella responded, offended. "It is by far my favorite board game."
"YES!" Jasper yelled, and grabbing Bella's arm, they raced inside to begin playing. "Bella, this is the start of a beautiful friendship" I heard him say as he entered the house. Rosalie and Carlisle trailed in after them, shaking their heads in amusement.
Alice finally looked at me, and we both burst out laughing, unable to contain ourselves anymore.
"Did today really just happen?" Alice asked, incredulously.
"Yep" I answered. "It sure did."
"We can't let them get away with it" Emmett added in still upset, staring off towards the house.
"Oh no" Esme finally joined in. "Today was merely a battle. And this is war."
This is a one shot for now. But as you can see, a war was declared. Please review and let me know if it's better to leave it alone, or add more 'battles' to it. Thank you!