The Notebook - I quit!
A/N: Okay….So there is a huge story behind this….thing…..We went to Tennessee for Labor Day weekend and got a cabin and lots of stuff happened. That mini-vacation is what a lot of the funny things that happen in this are based off of, like the giggle box, the cabin, lots of other little things that we incorporated….But not the random orgies…..Those didn't happen….. Anyway, after that we got inspired to co-write this little (well, ginormously huge) fic. By the way, we promise after this the author's notes will cease to be so ridiculously long.
Disclaimer: Prince of Tennis is copyright Konomi Takeshi-sensei. If it belonged to us, we guarantee that there would be a lot more boys kissing and a lot less tennis.
Note: The Regulars are in high school now, Seishun High School--so they all go to the same school, because we're deluded fangirls who are determined that they will be together forever. And Taka's not actually on the team, but he's still partof the team, because once a regular always a regular. And they brought Ryuzaki-sensei along because they just love her that much. So there.
Set Pairings: Tezuka x Fuji, Oishi x Kikumaru, Inui x Kaidoh, Momoshiro x Echizen, minor Kawamura x Ann
Mentions of: Oshitari x Mukahi, Kamio x Ibu, Horio x Tomoka, there will be others added to this list as we go, but these are the ones mentioned in the beginning….
Warnings: YAOI, Lemons/citrus, cross dressing, random hinting of other couples (within the regulars), Random OCs, Japanese words used randomly
Chapter Warnings: Bugs, cross dressing, violence, mind raping (XD), PG-13 sexual stuff.
"Oishi! Look at the deer!" Eiji slammed himself against the window as they pulled up to the driveway, startling the animals. Ryuzaki-sensei rolled her eyes and got out of the car to unlock the gate impeding them. A horn honked behind them as the car containing the five remaining Regulars pulled up, and the Golden Pair turned to wave at them through the back window. Inui and Kaidoh waved back from the front seat as they continued their trek up the driveway.
"Nya! Oishi, this is scary!" Eiji sank into the seat and buried his head in his boyfriend's shoulder. The driveway was overgrown with weeds, and tree branches grew well into the path of the cars.
"Hm, it looks straight out of a horror movie." Fuji's smile widened. "Not to mention how deserted the town is."
"Fuji!" Oishi reprimanded the tensai, giving him a mild glare and wrapping an arm around his partner.
"We're here, everyone out!" Ryuzaki unlocked the doors and everyone was immediately out of the cramped cars and stretching. "Let's get everything inside and unpacked. Think of it as extra training!" Their coach entered the large cabin without any luggage.
"What! No fair! Ryuzaki-sensei should have to carry some too!" Momoshiro complained loudly as he hoisted his own bag out of the trunk.
"Shut up and grab the rackets, stupid monkey," Kaidoh grumbled.
Momo grabbed Kaidoh by his shirt collar. "You trying to start something, Mamushi?"
Ryoma sighed and grabbed his bag. "I still don't see why we're here."
"Team bonding, Echizen," Oishi replied.
"Couldn't we bond somewhere near tennis courts?"
"We can still play tennis," Oishi argued. "Maybe. If we can find courts."
"Mada mada dane…"
"Echizen has a point, Oishi," Fuji called from the door to the cabin. "Why the mountains?"
"It's more secluded. If we're trapped in a house with each other for a week, we're bound to get closer. You two," he added, looking at Momo and Kaidoh, "need the most improvement. I realize arguing is your way of showing affection--" Kaidoh and Momo opened their mouths to argue, but Oishi ignored them-- "but it would be easier on everyone if you'd be civil to each other."
"Hyotei can't stalk us this far from Kantou, either," Eiji added, looking quite unbothered that he wouldn't be seeing a certain redhead in the near future.
Fuji chuckled. "You never know with Atobe."
"It doesn't matter, we're here to bond, not get away from Hyotei," Tezuka deadpanned as he walked past Fuji and towards the front door. He stopped dead just outside the doorway.
Fuji's smile widened again. "What's wrong, Tezuka?"
Tezuka turned and walked back to the car. "I forgot something."
Inui, his bag thrown over his shoulder, walked into the cabin, followed closely by his favorite research subject. He heard a crunch under his shoe and stopped, making Kaidoh run into him, and lifted his leg to examine the underside of his shoe. "Roach?"
"Aa." Fuji peered at the squished bug.
"I call biggest room!" Momo shouted,running past them.
Eiji bounced after him. "No fair, Momo!"
"They left their stuff here," Oishi sighed, grabbing Eiji's suitcase.
They all trekked into the house, somehow getting all their luggage inside at once--mostly because Echizen slipped Taka a racket.
Rooms were sorted out by Ryuzaki and Oishi while Inui, Fuji, and Tezuka were sent out for groceries. Taka, unfortunately for him, was put in charge of the three youngest teammates and Eiji, who would no doubt start some sort of commotion if left unsupervised, so he took this duty seriously.
Ryoma was bouncing a tennis ball on the rim of his racket and drinking a Ponta--nothing unusual there.
Momo and Kaidoh, though--well, they had spent the last half hour in a "my glare's meaner than yours!" contest. Eiji had latched himself onto his partner, which was thankfully keeping him away from the pair--no doubt he would only worsen the situation.
At the store, Inui was calculating away, everything from how much they'd need of what to the cost of it all. "Fuji, do you think I'll need to make any more juice?" he questioned the deceptive brunette, thinking back to the large container he'd brought with him.
"Mm… perhaps," Fuji said, tossing sushi ingredients into the shopping cart. "I could do with some. Tezuka," he added, glancing at the stoic captain, "would you mind grabbing some Ponta for Echizen in the next aisle?" He pointed to the left. "I wanted to look for some wasabi here…"
Tezuka nodded and headed down the aisle, not seeing the sadistic smile spreading across the tensai's face.
Moments later, there was a high-pitched, girlish shriek and Tezuka bolted back to them, looking more shaken than Inui and Fuji had ever seen him.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Fuji said pleasantly. "That's the pet aisle. The juice aisle is that one." He pointed to the right and turned to Inui. "Did you know they're selling pet tarantulas half-price today, Inui?"
Tezuka glared his meanest "you are running SO MANY LAPS when we get back" glare and stalked off to get Echizen's juice.
"That wasn't very nice, Fuji," Inui scolded, though he already had one of his many notebooks dedicated to Tezuka open to copy down this new data.
"I'm not very nice, Inui," Fuji replied, smiling sweetly. "Ii data, no?"
"Ii data," Inui agreed, pushing the cart ahead and stopping to let Tezuka put the Ponta in the carrier beneath it.
They finished their shopping in record time, Tezuka resolutely avoiding the pet aisle.
Back at the cabin, their rooming arrangements had been settled. Ryuzaki had decided on a room to herself--no one really wanted to share with their coach. The remaining three rooms had taken longer to decide on. Tezuka and Fuji were automatically given a room to themselves, for unsaid reasons; Oishi had elected that he and Eiji share a room with Inui and Kaidoh. He did not want fighting between his boyfriend and Momoshiro, nor between the two rival second years. Taka-san had no problems with his arrangements with Momo and Ryoma either.
"Saa, Tezuka, we have a room to ourselves," Fuji said happily, sitting on the queen-size mattress and bouncing up and down lightly.
"Hm? What do you mean?"
"No to what you're thinking. Not when there are eight other people in this house, and not after that stunt you pulled today."
Fuji frowned. "Ne, Tezuka, that was all in good fun. It's not fair to hold it over my head. Are you embarrassed that you're scared of bugs?"
"No," Tezuka snapped. "I'm not scared of them."
"Are you sure? You seemed pretty rattled after I accidentally sent you down that aisle with the spiders."
"Accidentally," Tezuka scoffed.
"You wouldn't even go through the door this morning because of that cockroach, isn't that right?"
Tezuka blinked. "You…noticed that?"
Fuji patted his boyfriend's arm. "There's no reason to be ashamed, Tezuka. Lots of people are afraid of bugs. It'll be our little secret, okay?"
"Somehow I doubt that."
"So… who's sharing?"
Taka, Momo, and Ryoma stared uncomfortably at their bedroom. There were two full-size beds in the hotel room-sized space, along with a couch too small for any of them to sleep on and a big-screen television.
"Well," Momo said, uneasily, "since Taka-san's the oldest… I guess it only makes sense for him to have a bed to himself…"
"Ah, hai," Taka replied, grinning sheepishly. "Is that all right with you, Echizen?"
Ryoma shrugged, said "Whatever," and left the room.
"Either he's going to get a Ponta," Momo said, "or he's going to steal one of the cars and try to find a tennis court."
Taka blinked. "We should tell Ryuzaki-sensei to hide the keys."
"I'll go get him." Momo smiled and ran out after his kohai. "Echizen!" He caught up to the prodigy and picked him up in a bear hug.
"Momo-sempai!" Ryoma squawked.
"Had to make sure you weren't going to take the car keys." Momo set the smaller boy on his feet again.
"Momo-sempai…" Ryoma's hair shadowed his face.
"Hm?" Momo smirked down at the boy.
"You are a moron…" Echizen walked to the refrigerator and swiped a Ponta.
"E-chi-zen!" Momo shouted after his twitching fit stopped.
Things in the fourth room were rather calm-- everything except Eiji. Fuji had gotten him a bag of candy. How he had slipped that into the cart without Inui noticing, Oishi wasn't sure he wanted to know.
Inui was scribbling away in his notebook, most likely the secrets of the team Fuji had divulged during shopping. Kaidoh was just laying on his and Inui's bed, his headphones in, looking disturbingly like Kamio. Eiji could not be seen, but they all knew exactly where he was.
In the corner of the room was a blue and pink box, shaped as a child's wooden block. Eiji had crammed himself into it and was looking through a small drilled hole in the 'B'; it was a bit creepy. Oishi had spent the last hour trying to make him come out.
Fuji came in at that moment, holding what looked like a diary of some sort, followed by Tezuka, who looked annoyed.
"Look what I found," Fuji said delightedly, holding up the book. "It's the memory book."
"Good reviews, I hope?" Oishi said as he locked the candy in his suitcase, knowing it wouldn't do much good--if Fuji wanted to torture everyone with a sugar-high Eiji, he would get that candy.
"Mostly. A lot of people mentioned that there are bugs everywhere." He smirked at Tezuka. "Other than that, though, it seems everyone enjoyed their stay. There was one that was quite funny, though…" Fuji flipped through the book until he found the page he was looking for. "'We fought mutant turtles and mated with some of the forest people.'"
"They also said that that box Eiji's in giggles in the middle of the night."
There was a squeak, a lot of fumbling, and a thud as Eiji shot out of the box and onto Oishi, clinging to the vice captain and making a cross with his fingers at the box.
"Thanks, Fuji. I thought we'd never get him out of there," Oishi said gratefully, patting the top of Eiji's head.
"Oh, that really is written here," Fuji said, smiling. "It'll be interesting to see if it really giggles, ne?"
The look of abject terror on Eiji's face was priceless, and Fuji dearly wished he had his camera. Kaidoh was clearly scared as well, though it was less his visage and more the way he was gripping Inui's arm tightly enough to cut off the circulation.
Tezuka could feel a scheme brewing. He'd known Fuji Syusuke for nearly six years and had been dating him for three of those six. That angelic smile didn't fool him for a second.
"Oishi, I don't want this room anymore," Eiji whined.
"I'm sure it'll be fine, Eiji. That person was writing a lot of odd stuff, that box giggling is bound to be untrue."
Eiji looked unconvinced, but nodded.
"Boys," Ryuzaki-sensei said from the doorway, "we're going to make lunch in a bit. You might as well come down now."
Kaidoh and Eiji seemed only too happy to get out of the room. The eight of them took the staircase down to the living room and conjoined kitchen, where Momo had Ryoma practically in the open refrigerator as they kissed.
"If you're going to do that," Ryuzaki-sensei said nonchalantly, causing the boys to spring apart (well, Momo sprang away; Ryoma jerked backwards without thinking, hitting his head and causing a few shelves to fall), "close the door. Wouldn't want either of you catching a cold and having to sit out any matches."
Ryoma pulled his cap down over his eyes and took a drink of his Ponta, his face bright red.
"I win!" Fuji opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow at Inui. The data analyst turned and promptly walked upstairs, coming back with a hefty amount of yen. Fuji smiled at Ryoma and Momo as he took the money from Inui.
Tezuka and Oishi each pinched the bridge of their nose. Of course Fuji and Inui would keep running bets on them.
Eiji bounced over to where Fuji was setting water to boil. "Nya, Fujiko, can I be your assistant?"
Fuji smiled. "Sure, Eiji."
Fuji, surprisingly, was quite agood cook--the team had discovered this on the many occasions when they'd all slept at his house. Taka-san began making sushi rolls next to the pair; everyone could see Momo and Ryoma practically drooling.
Ryuzaki smiled and turned to Tezuka and Oishi. "Set the table, boys!"
"Would you like me to make--" Inui was cut off as Kaidoh's hand covered his mouth.
Fuji seemed to pull a pink apron from nowhere and tied it behind his back. As he busied himself with chopping vegetables, he looked for all the world like a housewife.
The others laughed, and even Ryoma grinned before tugging his cap down over his eyes, at the expression on Tezuka's face.
"It's to bad the two of you can't have children, Tezuka," Inui said, opening his notebook. "Fuji would make a good mother, don't you think?"
Tezuka's eye was twitching again. Bad sign.
"Of course, I might be able to come up with something… my juice has proved very useful before, ne, Kaidoh?"
Kaidoh turned beet red.
"Inui," Tezuka said, eyes closed and fists clenched.
"There is a one hundred percent chance you're going to give me laps, Tezuka."
"Fifty. Around the cabin. Now."
"Arigatou, Inui," Fuji said as Inui passed him on his way to the door. "We'll get working on that juice as soon as we get back to Tokyo, then?"
Inui nodded and his glasses flashed.
A chill ran up Kaidoh's spine; that glint could never end in something good. Ever.
Everything got quiet after Inui left. Only the cooking and clink of dishes broke the silence.
"Ne, Mamushi! What did Dataman mean about his poisons being useful?" Momo elbowed Kaidoh with a cheesy smile plastered onto his face.
"Urgh! Idiot--" Kaidoh shoved Momo away and started to rant when Fuji cut him off.
"Saa, leave Kaidoh alone, Momo." Fuji's eyes were just barely open, and he had a large cutting knife in his hand.
Oishi turned a bit green. "Fuji! Stop threatening your kohai!"
Fuji tilted his head innocently. "Threatening?"
Oishi shook his head. "Never mind…"
Eiji bounced over to Kaidoh. "Nya! What does he give you? Huh? What does it do, Kaidoh?" The acrobat rambled on, asking rather intimate questions, turning the second year more red with every one. "I mean, Oishi and I have really wanted to try some new things!"
The hyper redhead was promptly dragged up the stairs by a furious vice captain.
"What was that all about?" Inui stepped inside and over to his protégé. Kaidoh hissed and moved over to take Eiji's place next to Fuji.
"Kaidoh-kun, will you take this to the table?" Fuji handed him a plate.
The boy turned and walked past his two fellow kohai and Inui to set the dish on the table.
Momo was not happy about not being able to tease him, and he was feeling a bit vengeful. He reached into his pocket and quietly dropped a tennis ball in his peer's path.
The ball landed just as Kaidoh's foot was coming toward the ground, not giving him enough time to react. He fell flat on his face, the plate in his hands shattering as it hit the wood floor.
Inui hurried to help Kaidoh up, furiously plotting revenge in his mind.
Fuji frowned, his eyes opening dangerously. "There goes lunch. Well, I suppose we'll have to go out, then. Momo will pay, of course."
"After he runs fifty laps around the cabin," Tezuka added.
Momo mumbled something unintelligible and walked out the door Inui had just come in through. He almost slammed it but thought better of it, knowing it would only get him more laps.
"We're doing something," Inui demanded, whispering to Fuji so the others wouldn't hear.
"Of course we are," Fuji replied, smiling again. "Actually, I have an idea…"
Tezuka knew that allowing Inui and Fuji to be around each other at all, especially given the current circumstances, was a very, very bad idea. But, well, Momoshiro needed to be taught a lesson. Momo wouldn't get physically hurt, but that was too much to ask for.
"Fuji," he said.
"Don't kill him. It would be troublesome."
"Oh, I don't want to kill him. He'll be in shape for the next tennis match, I promise."
Tezuka nodded. "Go get Oishi and Kikumaru. They'll need time to… compose themselves before we leave."
Fuji grinned. Even Tezuka wasn't completely oblivious to these things. "Hai, Buchou."
"You boys… I'm going to go find a city guide," Ryuzaki called as she headed towards her lower-level room.
"Boo." Fuji smiled as he puffed the word into Tezuka's ear, making him jump just the slightest bit.
"Syusuke…" Tezuka muttered mentally repeating, 'If I make him do laps he'll harm Momoshiro,' over and over again.
A snicker came from Echizen as he surveyed Kaidoh. "Kaidoh-sempai, you have a lump." He tapped his forehead to point out where.
Inui turned to his protégé towards him before leaning down and chastely kissing the red bump. Kaidoh, needless to say, instantly flushed.
"Fuji, did you get them?" Tezuka asked, stepping away from his boyfriend. 'Inui is right, he would make a good mother. He's so effeminate!' Tezuka could feel the heat rising in his cheeks at his thoughts.
"Mitsu-chan? Kunimitsu!" Fuji stood in front of him with his hands on his hips. "Were you even listening to me?"
Tezuka made no reply, just turned and walked into the bathroom. His hand tightly pinching his nose shut to halt the oncoming nosebleed.
Ryoma snickered and tossed his empty Ponta can in the garbage. "Buchou is a pervert," he said smugly. "I knew it."
Inui was copying this down already. "It's reasonable to assume that Tezuka has not engaged in sexual activity in at least--" he paused and wrote something. "Six days, based on his abnormally strong reaction to Fuji's close proximity."
"Do you really think I'd allow such a travesty?" Fuji said in mock horror. "I'm not one to kiss and tell--"
Ryoma snorted. The entire team had heard about it hours after the tensai had finally gotten together with Tezuka, purely for the sake of embarrassing the captain.
Fuji ignored Ryoma and continued, smiling wickedly, "Tezuka has every reason to be satisfied with his love life. I can't help that it's so good the mere sight of me is enough to--"
"FUJI!" Tezuka came out of the bathroom, dabbing his nose with a piece of toilet paper.
"Yes, love?" Fuji answered sweetly, unfazed by the tone of Tezuka's voice and the furious expression on his face.
'Forget Momoshiro,' Tezuka thought. "One hundred laps around the cabin."
"I was praising you, Mitsu-chan, it's nothing to be ashamed of--"
Tezuka grabbed Fuji by his shirt collar and dragged him to the door. "A hundred laps," he repeated. "And no sex for a month."
Fuji smirked. Like that was going to happen.
"If you're not back in forty-five minutes," Tezuka said coldly, "I'll take your cacti. Time starts now."
The tensai's smug look changed to one of horror and he sprinted out the door.
"A month is harsh, don't you think, Tezuka?" Inui said calmly, scribbling in his notebook yet again. "There is a seventy-six percent chance you won't be able to hold out that long, and Fuji will hold it over your head."
Tezuka ignored this statement, trying in vain to control his reddening cheeks. "I'm going to get Kikumaru and Oishi."
"What did Fuji do now?" Ryuzaki asked, coming back into the room.
"Embarrassed Tezuka-buchou." Ryoma smirked as he pulled out another can of Ponta.
"Where is Tezuka?"
"Getting Kikumaru-sempai and Oishi-sempai," Kaidoh said, dumping some of the shards of glass into the trash can.
"Kaidoh…" Oishi's voice came from behind, "you're bleeding." The vice captain pointed at the back of Kaidoh's calf.
Inui and Oishi were quick to sweep the kohai into the bathroom for bandaging.
"Oishi, you're only allowed to play doctor with ME, though!" Eiji tugged on Oishi's sleeve.
Tezuka and Ryuzaki dragged him away. By the time the two had finished fusing over him Momo was back inside and Fuji was about halfway through his punishment.
As the tensai was running he began concocting a multitude of schemes to seduce Tezuka, and get back at Momo. His plans started with getting hot and sweaty just to bother his captain.
As Fuji rounded a corner and came to the front of the cabin, suddenly Inui stated jogging next to him. Fuji gave him a questioning look but didn't slow.
"The others want you to hurry with your laps. They're getting hungry."
"Tezuka let you out here, paranoid as he is about us conspiring together?"
"Ah, Tezuka was still upstairs getting Kikumaru and Oishi."
Fuji nodded. "Tezuka's very harsh on me today, don't you think?"
"He's been exceedingly frustrated. Twenty-five percent more than usual. Discussing your sex life would clearly only antagonize him further."
"It is so entertaining, though…"
"But is it worth the sacrifice?"
Fuji's eyes opened and he smirked. "I think we both know that my 'punishment' isn't going to last."
Inui grinned, glasses flashing. "Yes, there is an eighty-six percent chance that your current plan will have the desired effect."
"It's that obvious?"
Fuji frowned. Was he slipping?
"There is still the matter of Momoshiro."
"Yes, that will be taken care of. However, I think it might be better to put that off for a while."
Inui raised an eyebrow, though Fuji couldn't see it behind the thick glasses. "Oh?"
The tensai smiled evilly. "Sometimes it's more fun to let them squirm for a while."
Fuji and Inui looked back to see Oishi in the doorway, looking rather disheveled. "Tezuka says you can continue your laps when we get back from lunch."
Eiji poked his head out the door, grinning. "He says--erm, what was it?--he says that your idiocy shouldn't penalize the rest of the team."
"How cruel of him," Fuji said, sighing mournfully as the four of them stepped inside the cabin. He took a water bottle from the fridge, opened it, and promptly spilled it all over himself.
"Oh, dear! My clean white shirt. I suppose I'll have to change."
Tezuka's eye twitched as Fuji pulled the shirt over his head. "Fuji… there isn't any need for you to do that there."
It was frightening how innocent Fuji could look. Tezuka wondered if he practiced in the mirror. "I was just going to put it in the laundry room, since it's so close."
The captain very badly wanted to hit something. "Fine. Just be quick about it."
Fuji smirked. A sexually frustrated Tezuka would be very entertaining. He walked past Tezuka, brushing against him slightly and whimpering quietly. He was surprised the captain didn't do him, or himself, bodily harm.
As the tensai opened the laundry room door he heard a loud slam. He turned to see the team void of its captain. He broke down into giggles, Eiji and Momo joining him soon after.
A moment later Fuji was heading up the stairs to his room to get a shirt. He walked in and started toward his bag when something caught his eye.
"He is going to be furious with me…" Fuji smirked as he looked himself over in the mirror. He ran his hands over the front of the short pink tennis skirt, smoothing out the wrinkles. The tight skirt hugged his figure quite nicely, and he was suddenly very glad he'd snuck it in with Tezuka's things on a whim.
The tensai frowned at his reflection. "Something's missing… Oh!" He bent over the suitcase and pushed aside the various naughty costumes he'd brought until he found his makeup bag.
Ten minutes later, feeling extremely smug (not to mention extremely pretty), Fuji opened his bedroom door and nearly ran into Eiji.
Tezuka, who was downstairs in the kitchen, knew something very, very bad was about to happen upon hearing Kikumaru squeal, "Nya, Fujiko, you look so cute!" and was considering stealing one of the cars and driving back to Tokyo when Fuji sauntered down the stairs. Inui was already next to him, holding a box of tissues, as blood began to seep from his nose.
Fuji looked remarkably like a girl--the light application of eyeliner and pink eyeshadow greatly increased the natural femininity of his features, as did the shiny pink lip gloss. The tight tennis skirt and blouse clung to his slight curves, making his figure look more girlish than usual.
"Fuji," Tezuka said, trying his very best to use his buchou voice, "where did that come from?"
Fuji's confused expression did not convince him at all. "What do you mean, Kunimitsu? Don't you remember? This was your birthday present."
Tezuka flushed. "I meant, why did you bring it here?"
Fuji shrugged. "I just thought I might want it. Aren't you glad I thought to grab it?" He smiled cutely and skipped to the front door.
Inui, incidentally, was nearly out of tissues after this little display, and was sure Fuji considered it an added bonus that he had given everyone on the team a nosebleed.
He turned and looked back at the team as he opened the door. "Aren't you guys coming?" He surveyed them. Tezuka was holding a tissue to his nose and a vein on his forehead was throbbing in irritation. Eiji was giggling uncontrollably, only a slight bit of blood running from his nose. The tissues situated under Oishi's nose were saturated.
'I always thought he was hiding something. Our beloved fukubuchou is a pervert!' Fuji laughed quietly.
Kaidoh and Taka-san were both blushing bright red, and Inui's lecherous smirk was plastered across his face. Momo looked like he was going to cry he was laughing so hard, and their freshman's smirk just barely peeked out from the shadow of his hat.
At that oh-so opportune moment, Ryuzaki walked upstairs. "I thought I told you to get in the car."
"But we were waiting for Fujiko! Nya!" Eiji glomped his friend.
"Ah!" Fuji jerked away from his friend. "Eiji touched me in a bad place!" He wrapped his arms securely around his chest, faux fear glistening in his eyes.
"I couldn't help it! Fujiko-chan is such a pretty girl!" Eiji smiled widely and pulled the tensai close to him.
Fuji giggled at the wily acrobat's antics and placed a kiss on his cheek.
Oishi was trying very hard to calm Tezuka so that the throbbing vein in his forehead wouldn't burst. He himself was on the verge of throttling Fuji, firstly because he was causing so much trouble and secondly because--well, Eiji was his boyfriend! Even if they were just messing around…
However, he restrained himself, because the mother hen of Seigaku was polite and kind and most certainly did not hit people. Instead he opted to gently detach the two from each other and pull Eiji out the door behind him.
"Ne, Oishi, we were just having some fun!" Eiji whined as Oishi dragged him down the stairs. "I love you best, nya!"
Oishi's cheeks reddened.
"Besides, you got a major nosebleed, nya. Should I be jealous of Fujiko now?"
Fuji smirked. It was rare that the Golden Pair fought, but when they did Eiji tended to overreact and start a shouting match. Eiji really hated to lose.
"Fuji, go change," Tezuka said, rubbing his temples.
Fuji frowned, looking hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty, Tezuka?"
"Leave him be, Tezuka," Ryuzaki-sensei said, pushing them out the door and motioning for the five still in the cabin to follow. "We're all starving. I'm not waiting around twenty minutes."
"No buts. Let's go." She grinned. "Besides, Fuji looks quite nice, don't you think?"
Tezuka dearly wished he held the authority to give his coach laps. But he didn't, so he settled for storming past them childishly.
He knew one thing for certain: there was no way he could ride in the same car as Fuji. That damnable skirt would be riding up his legs and he'd be "accidentally" rubbing against him ('It's so very cramped in here, Mitsu-chan, why don't you put your arm around me to give us more room?"). Oh no. Fuji could ride with Inui, for all he cared, just not with him.
Fuji, it seemed, hadn't planned of feeling Tezuka up in the car after all, because as soon as he was down the stairs he hopped into the front passenger seat of Inui's car. Tezuka blinked, a bit confused. Fuji wouldn't plot with Inui while the others were in the car, would he? Surely not… Fuji was far more intelligent than that… Still, Tezuka felt a powerful sense of foreboding as Ryuzaki drove away from the cabin behind Inui. He now had no doubt in his mind that this week would be the worst one of his life.
He sighed. Why did his boyfriend have to be so exhausting?
Ryoma was listening to an extremely amusing conversation from the back seat of Inui's car. Even though Momo was his boyfriend and Tezuka was his captain, he could not wait to see the outcome of their plans.
As they pulled into the parking lot and exited the cars, Tezuka realized just how wrong he was. Inui and Fuji had been speaking, only not in Japanese; they had been speaking English, and out of those who'd been in the car, Echizen was the only one besides the pair who spoke the language fluently.
He took hold of the tensai's elbow and tugged him ahead of the rest of the group. As they walked into the restaurant, a chipper voice asked, "Table for two?"
Tezuka's eyes dilated to pinpoints as he looked at the hostess. "Don't be so shy, Mitsu-chan!" Fuji chirped and smiled at the girl.
She pulled them to a secluded table at the back of the restaurant and handed them menus before going to seat the rather large group that had just walked in.
Fuji latched onto Tezuka's arm and nuzzled his shoulder. "Isn't this nice, Mitsu-chan? It's like we're on a date!"
"We should sit with the others."
"Why would we do that, when we can have a nice romantic lunch alone?" Fuji's hand rested oh so casually on Tezuka's thigh and he smiled sweetly.
Across the room, the other Seigaku Regulars were sitting down, all looking a bit confused--besides Inui and Ryoma.
"Why aren't we sitting with Buchou and Fuji-sempai?" Momo asked, tugging Ryoma into the seat next to him.
"Good question," Oishi muttered. "Inui, why did you stop me from telling the hostess that we're with them?"
"Tezuka and Fuji need to be alone," Inui said simply and refused to say anything else on the matter.
"Inui! No fair! You two are scheming again!" Eiji whined, pointing an accusatory finger at Inui.
"I haven't a clue what you're talking about. It's rude to point, Kikumaru."
Meanwhile, Tezuka was trying to decide whether to smack his boyfriend upside the head or drag him to the bathroom and have his way with him. Fuji's hands were in places they really shouldn't be, and he was placing tantalizing kisses on Tezuka's neck, and…
And thank God for the waitress.
"Ready to order?" she asked, setting their drinks on the table.
Tezuka took his chance while he could. "Ah, actually, I need to use the restroom." He stood quickly and went in search of the bathrooms, where he could beat his head against the wall in blissful seclusion, away from seductive tensais.
Eiji looked over to see Fuji looking sad. Tezuka wasn't there. A small scowl passed over his face. "Nya, Oishi, I'll be back!" He jumped up and bounced over to Fuji's table.
The hostess looked over just in time to see this and had to do a quick double-take. "Um… who…?"
"Can I have a vanilla milkshake, please?" Eiji asked, giving the waitress a wide smile.
"Uh… sure… I'll be right back with that…" As she left, Oishi came over to get Eiji and Inui took the acrobat's place. The hostess came back with the milkshake, gawking at the two teens.
Inui finished going over some of the details of their plans. He stood as Tezuka exited the bathroom and discreetly slipped something into the captain's drink. Fuji smirked.
"Saa, Tezuka," Fuji said, toying with the cherry from Eiji's milkshake, "Want to see if I can tie the stem in a knot?"
Tezuka decided to ignore this question. "What were you talking to Inui about?"
"Just hammering out some details."
"Details of what?"
"This and that," the tensai said vaguely.
Fuji just smiled and popped the cherry stem in his mouth. In a mere twenty-six seconds (yes, Tezuka was counting), Fuji removed the stem, which was now tightly knotted, and smirked.
Good God, but that tongue was talented. Tezuka knew from experience.
Tezuka flushed as memories forced their way into his head, and he nearly went back to the bathroom--for a very different reason this time.
He shook his head. No. He could handle Fuji. He was the only one who had ever been able to exercise any sort of control over the damnable tensai. Fuji would only get to him if he let him.
That was what he thought, until Fuji decided he was going to have Eiji's milkshake for himself. He picked up his spoon, dipped it into the thick liquid, and proceeded to thoroughly and erotically lick it clean.
Tezuka nearly died right then. He was surprised he didn't spontaneously combust. This, he decided, was what hell was like.
Ryoma, at the other table, was thoroughly amused. He was watching Fuji and Tezuka, and--well, under no circumstances did he want to be Tezuka. Especially since the tensai had some of Eiji's milkshake dripping down the corner of his mouth.
Kaidoh almost felt sorry for Momo--no matter how pissed he was at that idiot, he wouldn't wish Fuji and Inui on anyone, especially with that creepy evil laughter they'd done on the way here.
"Is that Seigaku?"
The nine Seigaku Regulars looked up to see Mukahi Gakuto, Hyotei's acrobat and Eiji's rival.
"What are you doing here?" Eiji shrieked, pointing angrily at Gakuto.
Gakuto blinked. "I'm meeting Yuushi here. Why are you here?"
Oishi stood, sensing that something very Not Good was going to happen if the two were left to their own devices. "We're vacationing in the mountains. Eiji, your eye is twitching."
Tezuka, meanwhile, was very unhappy. Fuji was torturing him, Inui and Fuji were planning tricks that could possibly end in someone's death, and if he had to break up a cat fight he would scream.
So he returned to his only place of salvation: the bathroom.
"Gakuto-kun, would you like to sit with me until Oshitari-kun arrives?" Fuji's smile was deceptively innocent.
Gakuto stuck his tongue out at Eiji and sat with the tensai, not commenting on his state of dress. This would be a good chance to acquire some information on the cat-like boy.
At the front of the restaurant, the hostess was trying to calm herself down when another young man came in.
"Excuse me, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here," he said. "He's got red hair that's styled sort of strangely, and he's a bit shorter than me."
"Oh, of course!" She led him back to a table of all-too-familiar faces. "Here's your date!" She gestured at Kikumaru Eiji, his boyfriend's rival.
"Gakuto-kun…" Fuji halted the boy and pointed out Oshitari.
"Kikumaru! What are you doing with MY Yuushi!" The acrobat jumped up, fury written across his face.
"What are you doing with MY Fujiko?" Eiji shot back.
Tezuka had left the bathroom and was standing just behind his and Fuji's table. He pinched his nose in frustration and sighed heavily.
"Eiji," Fuji said calmly, walking over to the table, "I invited Gakuto-kun to sit with me, there's no reason to be jealous."
In Fuji's absence, the hostess hurried over to the table where Tezuka was now sitting, rubbing his temples. "Excuse me, Sir," she whispered frantically, "but I think you should know--your girlfriend is cheating on you! She's been with three of the boys at that table while you were on your bathroom breaks!"
Tezuka blinked. "Fuji wasn't--"
"Fuji's MINE, Mukahi, so you can just forget about trying to steal him away from me!" Eiji shouted, sticking his tongue out childishly.
"All right, so it might appear that Fuji is being unfaithful, but there's nothing to worry about…"
The hostess looked unconvinced.
"Saa, Kunimitsu, are you flirting with the hostess behind my back? How naughty of you!"
Tezuka sighed. "Fuji, perhaps it would be best if you dropped this charade with Kikumaru."
"Eiji and I were just having a bit of fun," Fuji said sweetly, wrapping his arms around Tezuka. "I only have eyes for my Mitsu-chan."
"Well… I know it's not my place, but acting like you're dating someone you're not isn't very ladylike."
"Oh, I'm not a girl."
Fuji watched as the gears turned in her head, waiting for the ticker to go off before the explosion.
"That's it! I quit!" She threw her badge and apron on the floor and stormed out.
"Why are you wearing girls clothes anyway?" Oshitari asked, surveying the tensai with his eyebrow raised.
Fuji opened his eyes and gave the Hyotei player a seductive wink.
Oshitari Yuushi rushed to the restroom with a hand over his face, blood gushing from his nose. Gakuto pouted and stalked after his partner.
Not a moment later, a plump bald man stormed over to them. "Do you know that you're the cause of this restaurant's best hostess quitting?" He stuck a pudgy finger in Fuji's face.
Ryuzaki-sensei stood. "I'm sorry," she said sheepishly. "I'm responsible for him--uh, her--Fuji. I'm responsible for Fuji."
Fuji smiled innocently. "I didn't do anything, Ryuzaki-sensei. Perhaps she shouldn't try to involve herself in her customers' personal lives."
The manager looked outraged. "I'll have you know that this restaurant is owned by the Atobe family, and they do not take incidents like this lightly!"
"Why on earth would Atobe own a little diner in the mountains?" Oishi wondered. He had just come over to try to straighten things out with the manager.
"It's mostly for himself," Gakuto said, popping up out of nowhere. "But he gives us discounts. We can all just fly up here any time if we want to get away. And it's great tourist money."
The manger's eyes grew wide. "M-Mukahi-san!"
"Hello," Gakuto said brightly. "I'm sorry, are my friends causing trouble?"
"Friends? N-no, of course not! I was just--thanking them! We've, um, been meaning to fire that hostess for a while! Yes, as this fine young woman was just saying," he gestured to Fuji, "she was far too intrusive… in fact, you all deserve a free meal! All you can eat!"
This was a very, very bad thing to say in hearing range of the Seigaku Regulars.
Momo and Echizen visibly perked, immediately grabbing menus. Oishi, Tezuka, and Kaidoh sweat dropped, and Fuji smiled coyly. "You will regret saying that…" He locked his fingers behind his back and rocked back and forth on his heels.
Tezuka slipped an arm around Fuji's waist and led him back to their table. He did not want the manager to take the offer back; hell if he was going to pay for their gorging.
"Paying for lunch was supposed to be part of Momo's punishment," Fuji said disappointedly. "I suppose Inui and I will have to come up with something else, then…"
Tezuka opened his mouth to scold his boyfriend, but closed it as he swayed, struck with a sudden heady feeling. He felt… nice. Super nice. Giddy.
Syusuke, ne noticed, looked really pretty, and Tezuka decided it would be in his best interest to plant a very sloppy kiss on his cheek.
Fuji blinked, confused--Tezuka despised public displays of affection--but then he realized that Inui's new juice was kicking in and he smirked. Thank goodness he'd brought his camera.
Yuushi led Gakuto over to another partially secluded table.
"I see my new juice is working," Inui mumbled as he scribbled away in his ever-present notebook.
"What did you do, Inui-sempai?" Kaidoh asked warily.
"Gave Tezuka an experimental alcohol of mine." Inui looked up at his boyfriend. When the kohai's eyes widened, he smiled. "I was going to test it on you, but this seemed like a better opportunity."
Kaidoh's face flushed in anger and his hand lashed up, hitting his boyfriend's cheek.
Everyone looked over to see Inui wearing a perverted smirk and Kaidoh blushing madly.
"...Eiji… If the chance ever arose… would you ever leave me for Fuji?" Oishi asked softly as everyone went back to their own conversations.
"Eh? Leave you for Fujiko?" Eiji repeated, as if this were the most random question Oishi could possibly have asked. "Why would I do that?"
"Well… you've been flirting with him all day… and you were having a lot of fun with him... So…"
"I have lots of fun with Oishi too, nya! Me and Fuji were just playing. I love my Oishi and nothing will change that! Besides…" Eiji added, a devious glint in his eye, "I need a big strong man like Oishi to protect me."
Oishi flushed. "E-Eiji…"
"Oishi's my perfect seme match, nya!"
"Eiji! Don't… you shouldn't talk about such things in public…"
Eiji's eyes shut most of the way as he snuggled against Oishi. "Nya, but Oishi is stupid to think that I would leave him for Fujiko." He pushed himself closer to Oishi, who gasped as Eiji's breath flushed over his neck in warm pants.
Oishi's face turned impossibly red as his thoughts took a turn for the unsavory.
For once Fuji was completely content--well, in front of people, that is. He had no doubts that he would always be satisfied when he was in Tezuka's arms. "Saa, Mitsu-chan? Would you really hate having kids together so much?"
Tezuka stopped mid-kiss, his lips still barely touching the tensai's neck.
"Syusuke…" Tezuka pulled Fuji closer as he'd seen Inui and Oishi do with their respective ukes. "We're only in high school, and we have our whole lives ahead of us. You'd be out of commission for nine months… and we're both men. Our baby would be ridiculed." He really wanted his boyfriend to understand that it was not a good idea to have a baby right now.
Fuji said nothing, just lowered his head, his bangs covering his eyes.
"I understand, Buchou."
Tezuka shuddered. Fuji never called him that unless he was really angry. The tensai climbed into his lap and rested his head against Tezuka's collar bone. Tezuka downed the rest of his now alcoholic drink without thinking, and boy would be he need it…
"You have to come out eventually."
Kaidoh had locked himself in a bathroom stall, away from his ultra-perverted boyfriend.
"But Kaoru, plea--"
"No! I bet you were planning on giving me something that lets me have kids without my knowledge too!" Kaidoh shouted furiously at the analyst.
"Well, technically I haven't made that one yet--"
"THAT DOESN'T HELP!"
Inui sighed. "Kaoru-chan, please don't be angry."
Silence. "Don't call me that."
"Don't call you what? Kaoru-chan?"
Inui grinned. Kaidoh had never been able to stay mad at him for very long. "Please open the door?"
There was a long pause as Kaidoh debated whether to comply. "No."
"Fine." Inui walked into the stall next to Kaidoh and peeked over the unusually short dividing wall to see his boyfriend sitting on the toilet, his arms wrapped around his knees.
Kaidoh gave him a death glare. "Go away, Inui-sempai."
This was getting ridiculous, Inui thought, so he did the one thing he knew Kaidoh wouldn't be able to resist: he took off his glasses.
Kaidoh's eyes grew wide and he jumped over the wall, slamming Inui into the closed stall door.
Inui smirked as Kaidoh wrapped his arms around him, mumbling a muffled "You're forgiven" into his neck.
To Kaidoh, Inui had figured out early in their relationship, his eyes were like a really good tennis move--only show it very rarely, and no one will ever figure out how to counter it. He pushed his glasses back onto his face, quite pleased with himself. "There was a one hundred percent chance you'd forgive me." He held his protégé closely, as there was also a fifty percent chance he'd get slapped for that comment.
"Inui-sempai, would you really give me something like that without telling me?" Kaidoh's tight hug loosened a bit as if he was expecting disappointment.
"Hey! You with the spiky hair! This is a public establishment! No one wants to clean up your messes! In my day we wouldn't even think of trying to do something so intimate with our girlfriends before marriage!"
Inui looked down to see a short elderly man with a cane dressed in a janitor's outfit in the stall next to hem. Now that he thought about it, this did look extremely compromising. Their positions had flip-flopped; Kaidoh was now up against the door, and his face was shadowed by his hair and partially buried in Inui's shirt. Still… girlfriend!
Kaidoh gripped Inui's shirt tightly as he began shaking. "I am Kaidoh Kaoru!" he shouted, attempting to jump over the stall wall to tackle the old man.
Inui grabbed Kaidoh around the waist, trying to restrain him from beating the janitor to a bloody pulp. Even while being held back, Kaidoh was trying to throw punches, and Inui was fairly sure the man would have a nice bruise on his cheek.
"Let me go, Inui-sempai!" Kaidoh shouted, fighting to get free.
"Calm down, Kaoru," Inui said, trying not sound too condescending, as Kaidoh's rage would probably be directed toward him.
"He called me a GIRL!"
Inui pushed his glasses up. "Well, your face was rather obscured."
"And logically, when one sees two people as close as we were, one would assume it was a male and a female…"
"I don't BELIEVE you!" Kaidoh pushed Inui away from him and kicked open the stall door. "I'm waiting in the car."
"Leave me ALONE!"
"I don't want to hear it!"
"But I have the car key."
Kaidoh paused, hissing loudly, and grudgingly turned around. "Give it to me."
"Kaoru-chan, if we could just talk this out--"
"Give me the GOD DAMN key NOW or you'll be as miserable as Buchou for a much longer period of time!"
Inui winced. He knew from the look on Kaidoh's face that his kohai wasn't kidding. Tezuka was definitely used to sex on a very regular basis… he would probably give in within a couple days. Kaidoh, however… Well, he'd held out for quite a long time before, and Inui had not enjoyed it, to say the least. With a sad sigh, he pulled the keys out of his pocket and held them out to Kaidoh, who snatched them and stormed out.
It was silent for a moment.
"So…" the janitor said uncomfortably--Inui had forgotten he was even there until now--"you're one of them homosexuals, huh?"
Inui decided this was a good time to take a leaf out of Tezuka's book and thumped his head against the wall.
Momo and Ryoma had paused their eating fest and were now frozen. Their eyes were locked on the two shadowed figures of Tezuka and Fuji. Low grunts were coming from the table, mostly in Tezuka's deep voice.
"M-Momo-sempai… what are they doing?" Ryoma looked up at the taller boy.
"Well, Ryoma… I can only tell you through example." Momo's smirk was reminiscent of the Cheshire cat.
"Momoshiro!" Oishi scolded his kohai loudly. Momo started laughing uncontrollably as the Fukubuchou yelled at him.
Meanwhile, Ryoma was in Yaoi 101 with Kikumaru-sensei. His eyes widened impossibly as Eiji filled him in on the wonders of gay sex, providing very graphic details and examples, both from his personal experiences and Fuji's, speaking quietly so Oishi wouldn't overhear and stop him. The one-sided conversation went on for a good five minutes before Oishi finally got curious.
"The preparation stage is the most important," Eiji was saying. "Remember, lube is an uke's best friend--"
"EIJI! What do you think you're doing?"
The acrobat smiled innocently. "I was just answering Ochibi's question. Besides, he's going to need it eventually anyway."
Oishi sighed in irritation. "Eiji, you--Echizen? Are you okay?"
Ryoma was staring straight ahead, still wide-eyed, the Ponta can in his hand dangling dangerously from his fingertips. Momo snapped his fingers in front of Ryoma's face. "Ne, Echizen?"
The freshman didn't respond.
"Eiji-sempai… I think you broke him."
God, Fuji has talented hands! Tezuka let out a keening whine as Fuji's thumb pressed into his spot. "Syusuke! Have you ever thought of being a massage therapist?" He used the side of the tensai's neck to stifle another moan as Fuji worked a knot out of his shoulder and whimpered as Fuji fidgeted in his lap. Damnable tensai!
"Kaoru, stop!" Inui ordered as he grabbed the younger boy's arm.
"Inui-sempai, let me go!" Kaidoh tried to pull away from his seme.
"Excuse me, is there a problem here?" A large, burly man stepped up to them, "security guard" flashing on his silver badge.
"Fshuu!" Kaidoh ignored the man and began royally telling Inui off in a mix of words and hisses.
Inui disregarded the man altogether, pulling Kaidoh to him. He held the boy's wrists together to stop the strong and well-placed blows he was sure he'd be receiving. "Kaoru, stop this nonsense." Inui gave him a stern look.
The two were suddenly pulled apart by the security guard. "Is he giving you trouble, kid?" the man asked Kaidoh.
Kaidoh blinked up at him. "Uh, n--yes. Yes, he is."
Inui looked back and forth between his boyfriend and the security guard. "Kaoru--"
"I don't know how you know my name," Kaidoh said, hands on his hips. "Are you stalking me or something?"
The data player's eyes widened as the security guard grabbed the collar of his shirt. "You're coming with me. We'll make sure he stays away from you, kid."
Kaidoh gave him a vulnerable look and said, "Thank you, Sir."
I never knew Kaoru was such a good actor Inui thought, sighing as the guard dragged him off.
Kaidoh walked back to the team's table with a smug smile on his lips.
"Nya! Kaidoh-kun looks happy." Eiji's eyes danced as he looked at his kohai.
"Kikumaru-sempai looks amused." Kaidoh's smirk didn't leave as he took a sip of his drink.
"Oishi-sempai! What's wrong with Ry--Echizen!" Momo tugged on Oishi's sleeve, annoyed that Oishi was ignoring him.
"Kikumaru Eiji! I can't believe you would try to explain such things to Echizen when you know damn well you're still a virgin!" Oishi's rant didn't stop there--he continued to go on about morals, marriage, and the like. Eiji blushed, embarrassed that Oishi was spilling their love life to everyone.
"But, Oishi-sempai," Momo said, looking confused, "didn't Eiji-sempai say something about, um, trying new things?"
Oishi paused, blinked, then blushed dark red upon realizing everything he'd said. "Uh--I--that is--"
"Nya, well," Eiji said uncomfortably, "there are ways of… experimenting without actually doing it."
Momo forced himself to not look at Ryoma, naughty thoughts already forcing their way into his head.
"Eiji, that's quite enough detail," Oishi said firmly, glancing at the still-broken Echizen.
"Kaidoh, where's Inui?" Ryuzaki-sensei asked.
Tezuka shivered as Fuji's tongue traced the other edge of his ear. "Syusuke!" He pulled the tensai into a kiss.
The couple flew apart, Fuji hitting his head on the table in his haste.
Ryuzaki stood over them, hands on her hips, Inui standing behind her, his head hanging. He looked disturbingly like a kicked puppy.
Tezuka surveyed his boyfriend. His skirt was riding way up, the blouse was partially undone--basically, he looked ravished.
"F-Fuji, when did you get…" Tezuka flushed as he caught sight of the lacy female undergarments.
"I want you two over at the table with the rest of us, now," Ryuzaki muttered with her head in her hand.
Fuji smiled innocently. "Just a moment, Sensei." He turned to Tezuka. "Kunimitsu, would mind unbu--I mean, buttoning my top for me? My hands are all sticky."
Tezuka nodded dumbly and brought his hands to the tensai's chest. However, in his drunken state, his balance wasn't quite what it usually was, and he fell forward.
His elbow, as luck would have it, hit Eiji's milkshake, knocking it over the edge of the table and all over Fuji. Specifically, the front of his blouse.
It also didn't' help that Tezuka was now straddling the tensai, whom he had shoved down when he slipped. Fuji's skirt was now so far up that the entirety of his lacy pink thong was showing.
Fuji blinked, cerulean eyes wide.
"Why on earth are you wearing those…?"
"Well…" Fuji's eyes almost shut and he flushed. "I thought you'd like it…" He plucked at the hem of his skirt.
"Fuji." The duo looked over to see Inui standing in front of their table. "Here." He slid a vial into the tensai's hand. Fuji smirked and quickly downed its contents.
"Kaoru, please speak to me?" Inui had tugged the second year up against him and was gently nipping the side of his neck.
"Momoshiro-kun, the other day you were asking me about teaching you the Snake…" Kaidoh said, blatantly ignoring his boyfriend.
"Hn…" Momo paused with a noodle hanging from his mouth.
Inui let out a low growl and tightened his grip around his uke.
Tezuka's lips twitched into a smile as the alcohol quickly entered Fuji's system. The tensai was giggling nearly hysterically.
They stumbled across the restaurant to the Regulars' table, holding onto each other for support.
"Tezuka got me all messy," Fuji slurred, then started giggling again.
The other Regulars looked at each other, unsure whether to laugh or not.
"Maybe you two should go outside to… get some fresh air," Ryuzaki-sensei suggested.
"Hai!" Fuji said cutely and started toward the door, tugging Tezuka long with him. "Come on, Mitsu-chan!"
Ryuzaki-sensei held out her hand. "The car key, please."
"What are you talking about, Sensei? I don't have the keys."
He sighed and took the key from his pocket, pouting. "Sensei takes all the fun out of things."
As the inebriated couple left the restaurant, Ryuzaki-sensei turned to glare at Inui. "This is all your fault."
Inui's kicked puppy look returned. He hung his head, letting his arms slip from around Kaidoh's waist.
Kaidoh hissed. That look on Inui's face was simply too adorable to resist, so he nuzzled his sempai's arm.
The perk in Inui's features was almost to infinitesimal to notice, but Kaidoh did. Most people couldn't read either of them, but they could read each other.
Inui rested his forehead on Kaidoh's shoulder, taking in the much needed comfort. He was surprised when a smaller calloused hand wrapped around his in Kaidoh's lap. The unspoken message was clear: "I'm sorry for getting you in trouble, and I forgive you. I love you."
"Mo-Momo-sempai… does that mean that you… with me…?" Ryoma questioned, his golden eyes wide with anticipation and fear. "But Momo-sempai… I'm inexperienced. I could hurt you. What was it that Kikumaru-sempai was talking about…? Lube? Yeah, that's right. I should get you some!"
The other two ukes at the table were almost in tears laughing, as well as Momo.
"Echizen, because you're younger and much smaller, Momoshiro would definitely top you," Inui said as he tried to calm Kaidoh.
"But… but…" Ryoma looked torn between having a breakdown and throwing a tantrum.
Momo hugged him. "Don't worry, Ryoma, I'll be gentle."
"There is a ninety-five percent chance that Momoshiro will be a good and fulfilling seme, Echizen," Inui said from behind a notebook.
"Hey!" Momo scowled at Inui. "Why only ninety-five?"
"Momo, I'm sure you'd be a good seme, but there are always small things that don't worry semes that can make life as an uke a living hell," Oishi tried to explain. "For example. How big of a deal do you think preparation is?"
"Not too much of one…" Momo raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Kaidoh-kun, um… have you ever had a preparation-free experience that's fondly remembered?"
Kaidoh shook his head rapidly. "Pain." Inui rubbed his protégé's back in a soothing manner.
Outside the restaurant Tezuka had his drunken hands full. Fuji, calm, sadistic, evil Fuji, his Fuji was, he'd realized, quite the slutty drunk. Had he been more intoxicated, he probably would have shoved the tensai against the brick wall and--wait, this was Tezuka.
The captain shook his head and pushed the oh-so tempting thoughts away.
"Mitsu-chan, I'm still all sticky! I need to change…" Fuji whined.
Tezuka's eyes widened as Fuji tried to pull his shirt over his head. He quickly pulled the hem of the shirt from Fuji's hands. "Syusuke… you shouldn't do that. We're in the middle of a public parking lot…"
Fuji ignored him, walked a few feet away, and lifted his shirt again.
"Syusuke! Do you know what people will think if they look out the window? It would be okay if you weren't wearing a skirt, but--"
The tensai, already bare-chested, blinked and unzipped his skirt, which pooled at his feet. "Is this better?" he asked innocently.
Tezuka closed his eyes. Fuji was practically naked, in the middle of a parking lot--the parking lot of ATOBE'S restaurant, no less--horribly drunk. There would be no deterring him from getting what he wanted.
So Tezuka did the only thing he could think of: he popped open the trunk of their car (he had the spare to Ryuzaki-sensei's car, a fact no one else was aware of), grabbed a racket and tennis ball, and sent the ball flying at Fuji's head. The tensai was immediately knocked out and fell to the ground.
Tezuka sighed. "I'm sorry about this, Syusuke," he said as he dragged the tensai to the car and unlocked the door. "It's for your own good." He laid Fuji in the car, gathered his clothes, and redressed him before cracking the windows and shutting the doors.
He stumbled back into the restaurant and sat down at the Regulars' table next to Oishi.
"Where's Fuji?" the fukubuchou asked.
"He's in the car," Tezuka said shortly and stole Echizen's plate (the freshman was still arguing with Inui over his uke-ness).
Oishi sighed and put a chaste kiss on Eiji's forehead as he wrapped an arm around him.
"Nya, aren't you glad we've never had relationship issues?" Eiji cuddled up to his doubles partner.
"Don't jinx it!" Oishi mussed the younger boy's hair, earning him a light nip in response.
Tezuka and Kaidoh shared a look of frustration as Inui, Momo, and Ryoma argued animatedly over Ryoma's position in bed.
"Boys!" Ryuzaki shouted over them, "unless you want other teammates at this table to do you bodily harm I suggest you change the subject!"
The arguing trio hushed at her words.
"Eh, Buchou," Taka-san said, "Why is Fujiko in the car?"
Inui pulled out a random notebook from nowhere. "There is and eighty-three percent chance that Tezuka did something malicious to him. Spousal abuse is a very serious crime, you know, Tezuka."
"Fuji's not my spouse," Tezuka muttered.
"Nya, you didn't kill him, did you, Tezuka?"
"Of course he didn't," Oishi said soothingly. "Fuji probably just passed out. He was pretty drunk. Right, Tezuka?"
"See, Eiji? Tezuka would never abuse--"
"That's him, officer!"
A/N: Okay, so, we realize this was a bit random--all right, a lot random--but, you know, it's crack. You should've realized it was ten thousand words of crack, since it was in the summary and all. Anyway, we'd really like reviews. It's always nice hearing what people think and what we could improve upon. Even if you're going to tell us it sucks, which honestly we're half expecting anyway. So thanks.