"Have a big random party with EVERYONE. Homunculi, Alchemists, Risty and Zoe, other military people, anyone and everyone you can think of.
If anything, it can be hilarious, maybe even with a few fights or something.

Warning! Side story to The Switch Glitch.Filled with crack, spoilers, screaming humor, OOCness, randomness, abuse of property, some drunkenness, and lots and lots of weird party games.

Written by: Zilo

Beta: Chizi

Zilo: Hello, everyone! This 1-shot is dedicated specifically to Mikol, who came up with the idea! In case you didn't realize, it's very cracky, and there's a buttload of OOC, but hey, who doesn't like that?

(Entire cast of FMA raises their hands)

Zilo: Ah, come off it, you sillies! Sure you do!

(Entire cast of FMA shakes their heads)

Zilo: Well, whatever. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This story is brought to you by a girl who does not 0wnz0r FMA. Although she'd r34lly like to, she d0n't. Lucky j00.

"So! I hear it's your birthday in two days!" Fuhrer King Bradley said.

"...Um, yes?" Risty May Fernandez hesitantly confirmed. "Is that why you called me here?"

The Fuhrer smiled. "No, actually, I was just wondering if you'd like a big giant party."


"I was wondering if you'd like a big giant--"

"No, I mean, I heard that," Risty May said, "but why? You don't know me. And aren't you evil?"

Bradley blinked.

"Um, I mean, aren't you evil without me having any idea whatsoever that you're a Homunculus named Pride who wants me dead?"

"Exactly!" Bradley said. "So I'm throwing you a party!"

There was a moment's silence as this sentence was digested and then revealed to be incredibly stupid.

"So, anyway, go to bed early, because the party starts at midnight," Bradley said.

"Wait, can I--?"

Bradley pointed and authoritative finger. "Out of my office," he growled.

Risty May blinked, and tears came to her eyes.

"Don't be sad. Have a melon!" Bradley chucked a giant watermelon at Risty May, and it whacked her in the head and knocked her out of the room.

Juliet Douglas, AKA Sloth, closed the door behind her. "Sir, you've got some kind of a plan, right?" she asked.

Bradley nodded. "I'm sending the others to eliminate her when she least expects it...during her party! Hahaha!"

Juliet nodded and put it down in the itinerary.

"A party?" Ed repeated.

Risty May nodded as her friend Zoe Ferguson continued to try and pry the watermelon off of her head. For my birthday, she wrote down on a piece of paper, since she couldn't talk through a watermelon.

"That's really nice of the Fuhrer," Al commented.

"Yeah, but why?" Zoe asked as she whipped out a small saw. "He doesn't know her."

That's what I thought, Risty May wrote.

"Maybe he's trying to take the initiative and be friendly to his subjects," Al suggested.

"For what? The next election isn't for another 27 years," Ed pointed out.

Zoe sawed out some slices of watermelon. "It seems very suspicious to me," she said, chomping down thoughtfully on a piece.

Risty May managed to squeeze her head out of the opening Zoe had made. Her face wet and dripping with watermelon guts, she heaved a sigh. "Why do I have a feeling this party is going to be completely random and stupid?"

"What gives you that idea?" Al asked.

Risty May pointed out the window, and they all turned and looked. A blimp was flying low over the airspace outside, and hanging off the back from a pair of ropes, flapping in the wind, was a big, gaudy sign that screamed BIG RANDOM STUPID PARTY FOR INSIGNIFICANT GIRL'S 15TH BIRTHDAY! ALL AND SUNDRY INVITED! TONIGHT STARTING AT MIDNIGHT!

"When the Fuhrer does something, he does it, eh?" Zoe said.

"Looks that way," Ed sighed.

So, when midnight had almost rolled around, Risty May was pacing nervously pacing in the military-funded inn room she and Zoe shared. "This seems like a bad idea," Risty May said.

"Tell me about it," Zoe commented as she lay on her bed, reading the newspaper, or at least trying to.

"Do you think it'll be safe? I mean, with all the randomness and stupidity?"

"Probably not."

Risty May bit her lip. "Maybe I should just ask the Fuhrer to call it off."

"Wait, isn't he one of the bad guys?" Zoe pointed out, sitting up.


"And he's throwing you a b-day party?"

"Uh-huh. OMG, do you think it's a trap?"

Zoe crossed her arms. "Well, I certainly don't think it's a declaration of peace."

Risty May nodded and sat down on her own bed, across from Zoe's. "Then we'll stay here. That'll thwart any plans, right?"

"It should. Unless--"

There was a loud DONG as someone's grandfather clock somewhere in the building announced that it was midnight. Zoe got a chance to blink, and Risty May a chance to draw breath, when their door was suddenly broken open with enough ferocity to push a house over a cliff.

"GAH!" the girls screamed, jumping up onto their respective beds. Zoe grabbed the nearest weapon, her magazine, and brandished it threateningly. Risty May grabbed up her pillow in defense.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Alex Louis Armstrong bellowed from the doorway, wearing a party hat. His shirt immediately ripped into pieces as he flexed his muscles accordingly.

"Oh," Zoe sighed as she dropped her magazine, "it's just Mr. Clean."

Risty May peeked from behind her pillow. "Major Armstrong, why are you--"


"Military HQ has a ballroom?" Zoe said in confusion.

Risty May fidgeted. "Oh, um, thanks so much, Major, but I'm afraid I'm not going--"

"NONSENSE! AS IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND YOUR PARTY, IT WOULD BE A TERRIBLE CRIME TO NOT APPEAR!" With a few flexes of his leg and arm muscles, Armstrong had crossed the room gotten a girl under each arm.

"HEY! I'm not a sack of potatoes!" Zoe yelled.

"Wait! Please put us down!" Risty May cried.

"THE ESCORTING OF YOUNG LADIES TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY IS A TRAIT PASSED DOWN AMONG THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" Armstrong said predictably as he skipped down the hall at a tremendous speed.

Within seconds they had made it Military HQ, and more importantly, the ballroom no one had known existed until today. When Armstrong drove his shoulder through the double doors, the swirls in Risty May's eyes dissipated in time enough for her to look up. Zoe, who had the look of someone who needed to barf, looked up also.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" a bunch of people in blue uniforms, and some people not in blue uniforms, shouted.

"Eek!" Risty May squeaked, hiding behind her hands.

Armstrong put her and Zoe down, and Zoe made a break for the bathroom. "WELCOME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, BLESSED RISTY MAY!" Armstrong said into a microphone he held daintily.

Risty May sweatdropped. "Eh heh...thanks everyone..." She turned red under the stare of a whole bunch of people and waved faintly.

To her relief, Al walked up. "We were just about to start the party games," he said. "You want to join in?"

"Well, um...I'd love to, but I should really get going..."

"Nonsense!" the Fuhrer said, butting into their conversation. He held a slice of cake on a plate. Since he was Fuhrer, he got to have cake before everyone else. "You can't leave your own birthday party!"

"I can't?"

"Of course not! Everyone knows that's a law, punishable by death!"

Al sweatdropped, and Risty May turned an interesting shade of green.

"WHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Bradley laughed, slapping Risty May on the back. "It was just a joke! Man, I've still got it!"

"All right, everyone!" said Maes Hughes, who had been dead but was miraculously revived for this event and this event only. He was on the other side of the room, holding his own microphone. "The limbo pole has been set up!"

There were some cheers, a few sounding suspiciously drunken.

"Surely you like to limbo!" Bradley said, grabbing Risty May by the back of her creepy red pajamas and towing her over against her will. "Give it a go!"

Risty May, seeing she would be held prisoner at her own birthday party, heaved a sigh. "Well, I guess I can try." She wouldn't tell Bradley, but the limbo bar was one of her favorite party activities. She usually won.

At the moment, Heymans Breda was attempting to limbo, while Jean Havoc and Kain Fuery cheered him on. He almost made it, but his belly brushed the bar. He was immediately electrocuted by the bar and fell on the ground in a charred, crispy heap.

"What kind of limbo pole is THAT?" Risty May cried.

"The fun kind!" Bradley said. "After all, who doesn't like to limbo with the risk of 3,000,000,000 volts of electricity attacking you if you fail?"

Risty May stared at him. She didn't know that this was how Bradley planned to get rid of her. But she did know one thing. "If there were that many volts, wouldn't it short out the power or something?"

Bradley merely laughed cheerfully and lobbed a cantaloupe at Havoc's head for no reason. It bounced off Havoc's head and fell onto the electrified limbo bar. Vato Falman, who had been trying to best the limbo bar, got the full brunt of 3,000,000,000 volts of electricity, minus a few thousand that were directed into the fruit.

"Um...I think I'll pass, but thank you," Risty May said, turning away.

Bradley grabbed her by the back of her pajama top, whirled her around, and shoved her towards the limbo bar. Risty May saw her life flash before her eyes as her momentum carried her towards death at waist-high level, and she desperately bent backwards. Her momentum kept her moving, somehow, but she was able to bend enough to just clear the bar. Havoc and Fuery clapped for her.

"Drat!" Bradley said under his breath as Risty May recovered and sprinted for the refreshments table.

"I can't believe I was dragged to a stupid birthday party," Lust sighed. She was sitting in a chair at the refreshments table, drowning her sorrows in frothy punch. Gluttony was making quick work of most of the refreshments, and the implements they were stored in.

"You?" snorted a waiter with suspicious violet eyes. "All this to get rid of one stupid girl. It's ridiculous, you hear me?"

Lust leaned back and sighed. "Agreed. Where is she, anyway?"

"I think Pride took her over to the limbo bar of death."

At that moment Risty May crashed into the refreshments table, a few feet away from where Gluttony was making short work of the tablecloth.

"Oh, there she is," the "waiter" said, producing a glass of punch out of nowhere and settling it on the tray. He walked over to Risty May, who was picking herself out of the Risty May-shaped dent she had made in the table. "Punch for the birthday girl?"

"Oh, thank you!" Risty May said, accepting the class unquestioningly. "Running for your life from an electrified limbo bar really takes it out of you!" She lifted the glass to her lips.

"RISTY MAY, DO NOT DRINK THAT!" Zoe suddenly jumped down into the scene, startling the Homunculi and the birthday girl.

Risty May glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at Zoe. "Er...why not?"

Zoe pointed at the glass accusingly. "There's probably alcohol in it."

"Oh, really?" Risty May said in surprise. "They'd do that at a 15-year-old's party?"

"You bet," Zoe said as she and Risty May walked away.

Lust sighed again as the girls walked off. "All I'd have to do is point my pinkie in the direction of her back, and this would be over in seconds."

"Yeah, but Pride wants her death to look accidental," Envy said as he changed back to his preferred form, uncaring who was watching. Pretty much no one was. "That's why he lined up all those weird human party games. There's something in all of them to dispose of the girl, if I remember correctly."

"This is going to be a loooong night," Lust sighed as some random military person sneaked up to the punch bowl with a suspicious-looking flask in hand.

"Our next game is Mass Musical Chairs!" Bradley announced into his own microphone. "Let me remind you that if you fail to participate, you'll be demoted! Now, let's all have fun!"

"That statement was a complete oxymoron," Roy grumbled as he slouched over to where all the chairs of the room had been set up in the vague shape of the military's dragon crest.

"Hence the humor in it," Riza reminded him.

"How long is this party supposed to last?" Ed grumbled, in the middle of writing down the names of seven towns with either leads on the Philosopher's Stone or some hack alchemist who needed to be dethroned.

Roy shrugged. "Indefinitely. The Fuhrer said anyone who skipped out early would get a huge pay cut."

"He's really taking this party stuff seriously, isn't he?" Lust said as she walked by them.

"Among others," Roy grumbled, watching Armstrong flex near the front of the room, and Hughes explain the rules to the people who lived under rocks and didn't know how to play. Everyone who came within five feet of him left with at least eleven pictures of Elysia.

Once everyone was in position, Bradley turned on the radio. Dante's Song started playing. People wandered around aimlessly. Anyone who circled a chair was picked up by Armstrong and deposited elsewhere.

The music suddenly stopped, and there was a mad scramble for chairs. Several surfaces, appliances, and people were scratched and/or dented in the process. But eventually all the chairs were claimed, leaving five people out.

"Dead body!" Envy announced, kicking someone who had been trampled.

"Wrong game," Bradley said into his microphone.

And so it continued. Each round five people were eliminated, until the group got down to more manageable numbers. Each round, the methods people used to claim chairs got more violent as players got more into the spirit. Pretty soon, blue flashes indicating alchemy followed every sudden stop of the music. Bloodcurdling screams of terror, and a few of boredom, started filling the room. Eventually the paramedics were called to tend to those who hadn't gotten chairs.

"How is it my fault humans are so weak?" Lust said, examining her nails as she sat in a chair.

"Exactly," Envy said, using his foot to push away a beaten-up Kain Fuery, whose chair he'd stolen.

Finally the game got into its final rounds. Only people anyone cares about, like the Elrics, Roy and Riza, the Homunculi, Risty May and Zoe, and Gracia Hughes, somehow, remained. Bradley started the music and watched the remaining players walk around the room, eyeing each other with looks of barely concealed violent tendencies.

"Ah, sir, I think someone might have spiked the punch," Hughes said to him in a low voice.

"Oh, that was me," Bradley said cheerfully. "Drunk people make for much better games of Musical Chairs."

"But sir--!"

Bradley stopped the music, and a mini-battle began. When the dust cleared, everyone had a chair except Roy and Gluttony. Gluttony had actually had one, but he had eaten it.

"Next round!" Bradley said cheerfully.

"I forfeit!" Risty May suddenly called out, raising a hand.

Bradley took on a look of surprise. "You whah...? I'm afraid if you do so, it's a pay cut!" he warned.

"Well, that's fine sir, because you don't pay me," Risty pointed out, walking over to the refreshments table.

"I second that," Zoe said, following her friend.

Lust, Envy, Al, and Gracia also opted out, since Bradley paid none of them. Riza surrendered out of unwillingness to continue, making Ed the default winner.

"WHAT A DRAMATIC GAME IT WAS!" Armstrong said.

Bradley angrily kicked the radio. His plan to stir up a violent game of Musical Chairs that would get rid of Risty May had been foiled. But no matter. It was on to...Plan G!

Sorry, I mean, Plan C!

After Ed had fixed the room, and people's injuries had magically healed, and a few other dangerous games, such as Bob For Alchemically Modified Apples, Conga Line That Leads To A Convenient Cliff, and Pin The Tail On The Birthday Girl, the party resumed. Mostly. It was time for Risty May, who had been the only person to win the last game (by using alchemy to blow up stuff and escape the players in the confusion), to open her presents, none of which were really wrapped, since no one had had a chance to plan.

"Here, stick this in with the presents," Bradley said to Envy, handing him a small wrapped box.

"Something deadly?" Envy guessed.

"You bet. It's foolproof."

Envy shrugged and carted the disguised bundle of horror over to where the other presents sat on a table.

"All right, open the presents!" Zoe said, poised with a spare camera of Hughes.

Smiling brightly, Risty May picked up the first item and unwrapped it. Layers and layers of newspaper came off, until an item that had seemed as big as her head was revealed to be a small hair ribbon.

"It's so you can do stuff with your hair," Roy said, looking sleepy.

"How...thoughtful! Thanks, Colonel Roy!" Risty May said, determined to be grateful.

And so it went. Most of the items were things people randomly grabbed off their counters or out of their drawers on the way down: a coffee mug, a can of tuna, a left shoe, a pair of scissors, a rubber band, a box of crackers, a broken record, a stack of napkins, a slightly faded pair of jeans twelve sizes too big. Things like that. From the Homunculi, Risty May received a chicken bone, picked clean, a sliver that had been a nail file, and a voucher for a free kick in the face later.

"You kick me in the face for free anyway," Risty May pointed out to Envy.

"Yes, but now it's in writing," Envy replied logically.

"Does no one question why the Homunculi are here, and no one's taking immediate action?" Zoe asked as she snapped a picture of Risty May's bewildered face.

Havoc pointed to a sign near the door that said Question why the Homunculi are here and you're fired.

"Oh," Zoe sighed.

"Here's the last present," Gracia said, handing the small wrapped package to Risty May.

"If we're drawing on past experiences, I'd say it's a lock of hair," Roy said.

"Twenty bucks it's a pen," Ed said.

"Obviously it's going to be another mug. Just look at the shape," Riza pointed out.

Risty May pulled the wrapping paper away. She had just gotten a glimpse of something shiny when the danger senses Izumi Curtis had beaten into her went off in alarm. Panicking, she flipped herself backwards, knocking her chair on the ground. Her present went flying in the air, and Barry the Chopper's cleaver sliced it in half.

"What's your deal, BTK?" Zoe demanded.

"I was so anxious to see the present I had to try chopping it up!" Barry said.

"Get him out of here!" Bradley thundered into his microphone, sounding angry.

Envy kicked the mass murderer out.

Risty May stood up and picked up the metal contraption, now in two pieces. "Oh well," she said, "I still have all this other, uh, great stuff to fall back on." She placed the now disabled bomb on the table with the rest of her presents.

"Music! It's dance time!" Zoe declared.


Bradley sighed heavily. "I think this plan is falling apart," Lust commented as Hughes turned on the radio and everyone started doing whatever kind of group dances they had in the early twentieth century.

"So far, it's been foiled," Bradley mused, "but I've got another plan. And we always have whatever Envy put in that punch for the girl to fall back on."

Risty May, after somehow roping Ed into dancing with her, took a break and went back to the refreshments table, which had been magically reformed and resupplied. Envy was sitting there, looking for all the world like the propped-up carcass, while Hughes rapid-fire flashed pictures of Elysia at him.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Risty May asked, picking up the glass of punch she had left behind.

"I'm being pictured to death," Envy commented.

"Is that possible?"

"Apparently so."

Hughes pulled out a chain of pictures. "And here's my flipbook of Elysia's first game of hide and seek!"

"Um, Mr. Hughes," Risty May said, "I think, er, the Fuhrer! Yes, I think the Fuhrer hasn't seen your massively ridiculous multitude of pictures."

"You're right!" Hughes exclaimed, jumping up. "I'd better fix that!" He hurried away.

Envy breathed a sigh of relief and morphed into a not-half-dead Envy. "We're about to start the Macarena tutorial," Risty May told him. "Wanna join us?"

"I'll pass."

Risty May shrugged and walked away with the punch. At least she'd be able to have some fun with the others.

"...Hands on the hips, and shake your booty! Then jump and turn!" Zoe yelled, demonstrating the final steps of the Macarena. The crowd facing her obliged, some doing so in a way that betrayed the fact that they were drunk.

"Now, are we ready?" she yelled into the microphone she'd swiped from Hughes.

The crowd cheered.

"DJ, play that music!"

Armstrong, who absolutely did not moonlight as a DJ, no way José, no sir, turned on the radio and found a station playing some techno song, even though techno hadn't been invented. The crowd cheered again and proceeded to Macarena together.

"Last one standing wins!" Zoe announced, then jumped into the crowd and began doing the Macarena also.

"Wins what?" Risty May wondered aloud, being one of only five people at the party not participating.

"Probably nothing," Gracia pointed out, "but at least they're having fun."

"Yes, but some of them are drunk, and there's minors here! This doesn't look good!" Risty May said worriedly.

Five hours later, all the dancers had collapsed, exhausted. Some had taken advantage of the fact and were napping. Risty May turned off the music and kind of stared out at the pathetic scene.

"Well!" Bradley said cheerfully, clapping her on the shoulder, "looks like they're all dead!"

"They're just tired. And/or asleep."

"And no wonder," Gracia said, pointing through a window. The sun was coming up. "No one's had any sleep tonight."

Risty May carefully stepped over bodies until she reached Zoe's, and poked it. "Zoe, come on, get up. I'm ready to go."

"I hate spaghetti, Mama," Zoe mumbled in her sleep.

Risty May sighed and whipped out a megaphone from absolutely nowhere.


Zoe, and the rest of the block, woke up.

"I'm deaf!" Al cried in terror.

"I'm blind!" some blind guy yelled.

"I speak no evil!" Kain cried.

"NO! NOT SOPHIA!" Havoc sobbed, still sort of in dreamland.

"I CAN'T SWIM!" Roy and Ed screamed.

Riza fired her gun into the ceiling a couple of times to calm them down.

"Leave?" Bradley repeated after the ringing in his ears went away. "But the party's still on!"

"Don't we have jobs to go to?" Roy pointed out, his hair sticking up in all directions. "Like, you know, protecting the world and being thou for the people?"

"I'm still deaf! What did he say?" said Al.

"Besides, this party's been going on long enough," Risty May said. "Your subordinates need some sleep."

"All right, fine. But to leave, everyone's got to go through the metal detector," Bradley said, pointing to where a metal-detector-looking thing had been set up in front of the doors.

"Huh?" said half the room.

"WHAH?" said the other half.

"OH, CRAP!" said Ed.

"WHAT DID HE SAY?" Al bellowed, getting a little mad.

Grudgingly, everyone managed to get into a pathetic-looking line and passed through the metal detector. Envy and Lust stood at the front with those wands that make the funny noise when they pass over metal. Any time someone set the metal detector off, Envy used his to whack the person in the face.

Standing behind everyone, Bradley resisted an evil snicker. Now THIS plan was foolproof! Once Risty May passed under it, she would feel the wrath of the hidden limbo bar she thought she had escaped!

Ed walked under the metal detector and set it off, obviously. Envy smacked him in the face with the wand, and Ed retaliated by smashing the side of his head with a boot. The two got into a huge fight, but Edward had a temporary victory and bolted through the doors. Al tried to get through the metal detector and got stuck. Gluttony fixed the problem by eating his arms.

"Uh...thank you?" Al said, ever polite, as he walked armless through the doors.

Riza set off the metal detector and shot Envy in the face before he could hit her with his wand. Armstrong flexed mightily before he started to pass under the metal detector, but Lust and Envy kicked him in the rear, not wanting him to get stuck, and he crashed through the nearest wall.

"Does anyone realize how stupid this is?" Zoe wondered aloud as she passed easily through.

Finally it was Risty May's turn. She stepped up to the metal detector.

Bradley rubbed his hands in glee.

Risty May had reached out one foot when Armstrong crashed through the doors, splintering the metal detector into pieces. "WHERE ARE MY MANNERS!" he hollered. "IT IS ONLY POLITE TO ESCORT THE BIRTHDAY GIRL BACK TO HER ROOM!"

"No, Major Armstrong," Risty May tried to refuse, "that's oka--"


"WILL YOU JUST GO?!" Envy screamed at him, sick of being here.

Armstrong gallantly slung Risty May over his shoulder and loped out of the room.

Finally the room was empty except for the Homunculi.

"I don't care what happens, I'm NEVER letting anyone drag me to anything like this again," Lust said, walking out. Gluttony followed, chewing on a piece of metal detector.

"Ditto," Envy said, walking after her. "See ya, Pride."

Bradley stood in the remains of the doorway, pieces of ceiling, wall, metal detector, and Armstrong's shirt around him, and sighed heavily.

"Well, that about clinches it." He whirled to see a nondescript girl with black hair pulled into a ponytail standing behind him. She wore denim shorts and a green shirt that said "STOP LOOKING AT MY SHIRT" in white letters, and carried a clipboard. "Who are you?" he asked in confusion.

"I'm Zilo," the girl said, "and I decided to let this scenario play out to see how well it fit."

"Fit in what?" Bradley asked, still confused.

Zilo waved a hand. "Ah, forget it. You couldn't understand what your existence really is, could you?"

Having the sense he was being insulted, Bradley reached for one of his 76 swords.

Zilo started writing on her clipboard. "Okay, this is getting cut out of the story. Maybe I'll just make it an Omake."

Bradley lunged at her with the sword.

"Yeah. Or, no, it's too long. Maybe I'll make it its own 1-shot. Oh, yes, that's perfect! The readers will love it. I'll give Risty and Zoe a call and get their input."

Bradley stopped about three feet away and raised the sword, bringing it down with startling speed. "I CHOOSE TO TAKE OFFENSE!" he announced.

"All right, have fun with that!" Zilo vanished, and everyone forgot the whole thing.

One week later...

"Hey Zoe," Risty May said.

"Yeah?" Zoe asked.

Risty May pointed to an object on her desk. "What's this cup of punch for?"

Zilo: The end! Hope you enjoyed!