A/N: Hello, all! Welcome to what I like to call a mini-fic. Not a oneshot and not so much a multi because it'll probably have only three chapters. This CRACK but… at the same time, it's kind of not. Prepare yourself for major brain-breakage.

Please enjoy and I will update with encouragement.

ORGASM!: The Mello Chronicles


There were always two people miserable on Near's birthday.


And Near himself.

On August the 24th, the whole of Wammy's House was in an uproar, as it was every year. Rodger always celebrated every kid's birthday but never like Near's. Near was number one and a cute little ball of fluff, as Rodger sometimes said, much to Near's chagrin. So he went all out with balloons and a large, ten-layer cake and presents and everyone was expected to be cheerful and wish Near a happy birthday, which wasn't a problem for most of the orphans.

Mello, on the other hand…

"This is shit!" he growled, taking a large chop out of a chocolate bar he had been nursing. He was sulking on his bed as he watched Matt in front of the mirror, trying to pat down his unruly cowlick.

"Ah, cheer up," Matt said distractedly. "It only comes once a year."

"That's one time too many."

Matt grew frustrated with his hair and held out his hand to Mello. "Care to share?"

Mello nodded and spat into Matt's hand. Matt rubbed it on his cowlick and it lay down. For about a second.


"Since when do you care what you look like?" Mello asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's not good manners to show up to someone's party looking like crap."

Mello snorted. "You look like crap every other day."

"…" Matt looked at his appearance once more and straightened his goggles. He then turned around, arms outstretched to Mello. "What do you think?" he asked.

"You're beautiful, let's go already."

Mello stood and threw his chocolate bar wrapper into the wastebasket by the door on their way out. It was almost three in the afternoon and Rodger had made announcements over the loudspeaker all day that Near's birthday party begun at three and for everyone to be there at three because who wasn't there at three would be severely punished.

He never specified how and Mello didn't care - he wasn't afraid of punishment but he didn't want to miss out on the chocolate layer of that cake. He figured he'd go, eat it, and then spit in Near's slice and split. Good plan.

The two came to the common room and upon entering, they were greeted with a room full of all the other orphans, dancing and laughing, blowing whistles and carrying on. Mello frowned immediately and fought the urge to cover his ears.

Matt walked into the chaos without comment and Mello followed, sulking.

"Where in hell is Near?" Mello asked over the noise.

"Probably being stepped on or something."

Mello grinned at the idea.

They went through the crowd of gyrating orphans and finally came to the table in the center of the room where was seated in one of the chairs surrounding it, looking more than a little miserable. He sat in his pajamas, twirling a lock of hair around his index finger. People were wiggling around him and he looked like he was in need of a dark closet.

Matt walked over to one of the empty chairs beside him and Mello followed, his arms folded.

"Happy birthday, kiddo," Matt said cheerfully.

"Yes, thank you," Near mumbled.

Matt looked at his indifferent friend and elbowed him.

Mello frowned and turned to Near. "Yeah, yeah. Your mamma popped you out twelve years ago. Cheers."

Near sighed.

"Oh, here you go. I got you a present," Matt said, reaching around and fishing in his pockets. "I know I brought it with me…"

Mello fumed. "You bought that kid something?"

"Yep." He finally got whatever it was dropped in it Near's open palm. It was a big pink gum ball with a piece of lint stuck to it and a small part gone missing.

Near stared.

"Yeah, uh, I got a little hungry. Still good though."

Mello didn't even try to hold in his laughter - in fact, he even pointed.

Near put the gum ball in the pocket on his shirt. "Thank you, Matt."

Suddenly, coming from the boom box sitting on a table in the corner, the happy-kiddy music went off when a random trouble-maker put his own CD in and Eminem's "Just Lose It" started blaring through the speakers. Near's frown deepened.

Matt laughed at the troublemaker who was running away from Rodger. "I love that kid! I'm going to go dance!"

Mello huffed and watched as Matt shimmied away.

The blond suddenly felt a little uncomfortable with Near sitting there being angsty and he looked around with his finger in his ear. "Where's that cake?"

And as if obeying Mello's wants, Rodger came back into the room, turning off the Eminem madness (somewhere out of the crowd, Matt called, "Boo!" and was ignored) and cleared his throat as the children quieted. "Now," he said, coming over to the table where Mello and Near resided, "we'll bring out the cake. Near, is that all right?"

Near nodded and Mello smiled until Rodger slapped a cone-shaped party hat on his head as he walked by.

Rodger motioned at the entryway and two of the kitchen's cooks had to work together to bring out the large cake. It giggled around on the platter and threatened to fall to the side but they set it on the table successfully and Mello grabbed a fork at his placemat, ready to dig in at the chocolate layer.

"All right-"

"Hold it," Rodger said, blocking the fork and wincing when the utensil stuck out of his hand. He forcefully pulled it out and shrieked. "Ahem… um, Mello, have you given Near a present?"

"… Uh, no."

"I don't require a gift-"

"Quiet, Near, of course you do."

"I gave him a gift!" Matt interrupted, snatching the fork from Mello's hand. "I get cake, right?"

Rodger hesitated. "What kind of gift was it?"

Matt grinned widely. "Does it really matter?"

Just then one of the cooks came up to Rodger and whispered something in his ear. He brightened and alerted the children, "All right, the magician is here, everyone! You may enjoy cake while you watch him."

Near sighed.

Matt looked at him with his cheeks full of cake. "You wanted a magician, Near?"


Mello was too busy pouting at Matt's stuffing of his face to notice a strange man in drag coming into the room with a magic wand that was shaped… funny.

Rodger looked over at the man, his jaw dangling.

"Ooh," Matt said, licking frosting off his thumb. "This is interesting."

Near just didn't look at the man.

The man introduced himself as Bon Bon the Magician and proceeded to dazzle the orphans with various tricks such as card games with a sordid deck and conjured rabbits from a foldable hat that he pulled from some unknown orifice. Near was thoroughly disgusted and played with his toes quietly, ignoring the attention Bon Bon gave him as the "birthday boy." Matt, high off of cake, was giving catcalls and off-beat comments throughout the performance. Mello sat with his arms folded and his party hat pushed forward on his head, glaring at everything both alive and inanimate.

Sooner rather than later, Rodger grew tired of all the suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows that Bon Bon was giving the children and discreetly asked him to end his show.

Bon Bon blinked at him. "Don't you want the finale?"

"No, no, that's quite all right."

"But you paid for the deluxe package."

"I obviously didn't know what I was getting."

Bon Bon sighed sadly. "This always happens…"

Rodger pursed his lips. "I wonder why."

"Aw!" Matt protested, frosting coating his cheeks. "Rodger, it was just getting good!"

"Matt, be silent."

And so it went - most of the children left the common room, stuffed with cake and perverted images to haunt them in their adulthood. Near left almost immediately, having had his fill of humankind for the day and Matt left for the bathroom, claiming to have to puke out of every orifice.

Mello, however, was too busy sulking to notice how everyone had left and was still sitting in the same position when Bon Bon was packing up his items in his bag. He looked up to see the pouting blond and smiled at him.

"Hey, kiddo. You enjoy the show?"

Mello blinked, drawn out of his thoughts. "Huh?"

"You sure seem sad."

"Well… Well yeah! Rodger's such a prick - I didn't get any cake just because I didn't give the fuzz ball a present. Matt didn't give him one either, really, it's been in his pocket for months."

Bon Bon nodded in sympathy and reached over to pat Mello on the head.

"Don't touch me."

Bon Bon blinked. "Oh… Well, listen kid, I've got something that maybe could brighten your day. I remember being your age… I would've loved a gift like this! Sure, look, give me your hands."

Mello leaned forward and then hesitated. He squinted. "Did you wash your hands?"

"… Sure?"

"All right," Mello said and gave the man his hands.

Bon Bon smiled and took them, closing his eyes as he did so. "To this child from me, I give him some fun. The power to pleasure - the ability to come!"

There was a flash of blue on their hands for a second and then - nothing.

Mello blinked. "What in fuck was that?"

"Be happy, kid! From now on, all you have to do is wiggle your fingers at someone and say 'orgasm!' and they will be putty in your hands. That oughtta be interesting, huh?"

"…" Mello frowned and stood up in a huff. "You like making fun of me? Is that how you get your kicks? You're sick, dude." And with that, he stormed out of the room.

Bon Bon blinked and rubbed the back of his head. "Well… he'll understand soon."

A few hours later, around eight o' clock, Mello was back in his and Matt's room, eating chocolate from his stash quietly, his earlier mood swing over with. His roommate was on his own bed, contently playing with his PSP.

"You know," Matt said, clicking noises coming from his side of the room, "that party was pretty fun. That magician was cool."

"Pah. He was a fag."

"Look who's talking, Princess Barbie."

Mello crunched up his face. It actually wouldn't be so bad if that magician's power wasn't a total farce - he could actually use a superpower right about then, for no other reason than to hit Matt with. He shrugged and for fun, wiggled his fingers at the redhead and said, "Orgasm."

Matt glanced up at him. "You say something, Mel - Waaahh!" He jerked violently and fell off of the side of the bed, moaning.

Mello gasped and ran over. "Matt? Matt, you okay?"

Matt was on the floor, his goggles askew on his face and his eyes bleary. He panted harshly and looked up at his blond friend. "What… the fuck."

Mello looked down at his fingers.

To be continued!

A/N: All right then, that's the first chapter! Next one will probably be longer. Ya gotta tell me how you like it though, okay?

XD We're bringin' crack back.