Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood….unfortunately.
Sex, Torchwood and Contemplated Suicide
Ianto sat quiet in his living room, still covered in sweat, smelling of the sex he had just had with Jack. A gun lay as innocently as it could on the side table, begging to be used. Ianto was going to use it. Just as soon as he worked up the nerve. He was tired of cleaning up the shit, he was tired Jack's feeling less sex, he was tired of tired of being used and he was tired of aliens and of Torchwood. They could all go to Hell and he could care less.
Well, except maybe about Jack. He thought…he thought that maybe he was in love with Jack and maybe Jack had loved him. Then Lisa happened. Then everything fell apart because he was not as strong as he needed to be. They did not trust him. Not even Jack as he buried himself into Ianto, as he looked at him. There was no trust and not a drop of love. Ianto did not know which he hated more.
He thought about when he was younger, happier. Before Torchwood. When he had lived with his parents and when he was still in school. His first kiss with a girl behind the tool shed. His second, when he was a third year, given to him by a senior…boy. Camping with his brother and getting dumped in the river on that same camping trip by his brother. He never liked camping. Becoming head boy and getting congratulated by his best mate with the loss of both their virginities.
Then when he went out into the real world, after he graduated. He met Lisa. They fell in love. They would go out and party on holidays, spend the nights together. He remembered the day that she spoke of. The day they woke up hung over and they made cheese toasties. They took a train to Brittany made love on the sand and then just spent the night in each other's arms.
Then he remembered the day his brother came back to Cardiff saying that he could get Ianto a job—a good job—within a sort of government project. He remembered his first day at Torchwood. He remembered the massacre, how he had barely gotten out alive. Identifying his brother, finding out that there probably wasn't enough left of Lisa to identify.
Seeing Captain Jack Harkness for the very first time.
Suddenly he wondered if this was his life flashing before his eyes. He knew that he was about to die. He knew that he was going to kill himself. He wanted to die, he wanted to feel relief. He wanted to be with his brother and Lisa and his parents. He wanted to be loved again. Was that to much to ask, wanting love? Ianto did not care either way, he was going to die.
Taking the scotch glass he had prepared along with his gun, he downed the amber liquid and laid the glass back on the side table. He patiently checked his gun for bullets before taking it into his hand. He cocked it, hearing the firm click that it was ready. He was ready. He placed it under his chin, his finger on the trigger and then…
"Ianto…?" came a sleepy mutter from the hall. "Ianto, where are you?"
"Shit," Ianto swore, pulling the gun out from under him.
"Ianto?" A mussed Jack appeared in the living room, his eyes half lidded with sleep. "What are you doing?"
"I couldn't sleep, so I was having a drink," Ianto replied, knowing that it was true enough. "Go back to bed; I'll be there in a minute."
"Are you sure?" Jack asked, rubbing at his eyes. "I'm pretty awake now; we can have that drink together."
"I-I was finished; I was just about to come back. Why don't we just go to bed?" Now Jack was fully awake and he heard the stutter that Ianto had given.
"Ianto, what's wrong?"
"N-nothing," Ianto protested, fighting his stutter and loosing. "Let's just go to bed, all right?"
"No, it's not all right. Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing is wrong Jack!" But Jack was already moving closer and Ianto was sure that he would see the gun. "Why can't we just go back to bed?" he asked trying to push Jack back only to fail miserably. Jack's eyes widened at the scene before him and Ianto looked away. Jack was smart; smarter than smart. He would see the gun and the empty scotch glass. He would know what had almost occurred. And then he would begin to yell.
"Ianto…Ianto were you going to kill yourself?" He winced at the emphasis on kill. Like Jack had nothing to do and thought it was the stupidest idea he had ever heard. He wondered if Captain Jack Harkness had ever contemplated suicide; probably not. Jack was not that kind of person.
"No," he muttered weakly and then realized the futile attempt at a lie. "Yes."
"Why?" Jack inquired; appalled that one of his own could ever consider ending his or her life.
"Why not, Jack?" His voice crackled and his eyes were still in downcast. "What have I got to live for?"
"You have me!" Jack protested. "And Toshiko and Owen and Gwen. You have a future Ianto Jones. You have a life to live, that's what you have."
"Really, I thought I had shit to live!" Ianto cried, finally looking up at the other man. "Look at it Jack! Look! My entire family died before I reached twenty-five! The only woman I ever loved died, only to be reborn as a cyber woman and then killed again! You come in and fuck my life by not giving a damn! I am going insane because my day job involves people taking me for granted and treated me like piss and possible chances that aliens will take over the earth! This is what I live and I can't do it anymore! Look at my life, Jack Harkness! Take a good hard look and maybe it will finally penetrate your thick, two-tracked mind!"
He had not realized that during his speech he had begun to cry. He hated crying as he always started to blubber. Jack looked pensive through Ianto's blurred vision. He finally moved forward and took Ianto into an embrace despite the protest, "Don't!"
"Do you really think I don't care?" Jack inquired.
"Yes. You've never cared about anything but sex and Torchwood."
"I care about you Ianto."
"Do you really? Or do you just care about loosing your tea boy?"
"I know I don't want you to die. You, Ianto Jones, not Tea Boy. And they do care."
"Then they don't that much and they obviously don't show it. I-I-I just want to be loved Jack."
"I love you."
"You love to fuck me, there's a difference." Jack squeezed him a little and was quiet for a bit.
"Maybe you are right, I do love to fuck, and I don't love you, yet, that is." Ianto looked up confused. "I really do like you Ianto, despite how sophomoric that sounds. I'm trying to love you, but it's been a hard-knock-life for me too. It's hard for me to trust, hard for me to love. Tensions at Torchwood don't help either." Ianto buried his face into Jack's chest. "I know what it's like to loose those you love. Especially the way you loved Lisa. You never quite get over the death of family or lovers, but you need to keep going. It may never go away, but it gets better with time and you find that those around you do want you to live and those that have gone on want you to live and love again. Don't give up yet, Ianto I want to love you."
It was then that Ianto started crying again. Jack just held him, and stroked his hair. Ianto didn't know how long they were standing there, but he knew that when Jack picked him up to go back to the bedroom, his legs had gone weak. Ianto cried and cried and he did not know if he could stop crying. Jack held him, still, patting down the soft brown hair, occasionally kissing his forehead. Eventually, Ianto felt tired and yawns crept into his sobs. The last thing he remembered hearing was Jack's voice,
When Ianto woke, it was with a sudden gasp through his noise. The sun was shinning through his un-curtined window. Jack still held him, so Ianto had to turn a bit awkwardly to look at the clock. 8:45. He was thirty minutes late.
"Jack," he said gently jostling the man's shoulder. "Jack," he called again, before the man opened his eyes. "We're late for work." Considering that Jack never left Torchwood, he figured that Jack would be late as well.
"You don't have to go today." The response was calm, warm. It made Ianto draw closer to him.
"I want to go. I've got some things to take care of. Shower?"
"Oy, Tea Boy!" Owen called, trying to get Ianto's attention. Either Ianto was listening to an invisible MP3 player, or he was flat out ignoring Owen. Owen finally walked from his computer, over to Ianto and poked him in the arm. "Tea boy." Ianto calmly looked in Owen's direction.
"Owen, go fuck yourself." Toshiko chocked on the breakfast burrito she was eating and Gwen stared in open mouth awe. Jack continued writing something at his desk "My name is Ianto Jones. You may address me as Ianto, or Mr. Jones, considering that you are three years my junior. 'Tea Boy' is not among the things you may address me as and there for it is not one of the things I will respond to, all right? Now go and make your own damn coffee."
Owen shuffled away to the coffee maker and Jack looked up and smiled.
Ianto did not want to die so much anymore.
Ok, so this was inspired by 50 things Ianto Jones Hates. It was pretty good and I recommend it. Um, and I think Ianto had a sister, that I did not know about, and I took liberty with his family, so if it seems off, sorry. I wanted to make his life as sucky as possible. So I hope you enjoyed it and reviews are appreciated. Thanks!