Here is a humorous fic I thought up one day. I hope you all enjoy. Please read notes at the end of the fic! R&R
Disclaimer… No, none of the wonderful characters are mine.
-Needing to Pee-
Again… She had to use the privy AGAIN! Daine sighed as she shifted in her seat, trying not to disturb an elderly delegate beside her and her friend, Onua, on the remaining side. The Wildmage took a deep breath and focused once more on the current speaker, trying to put her mind on other things, going over what the speaker was saying.
"Prosperous outcomes… Heavy infantry… Combining of borders…Needing to use the privy DESPERATELY."
Daine shifted again and placed a hand on her expanding belly. This would be the third time in less than an hour that she would be forced to stand up in the middle of the hall, disturbing the speaker and their Majesties, and then squeeze her huge size along the row of delegates, listening all the while as they murmured their annoyance as she raced to the door and then along corridors to her privy and then have their glares as she returned to her seat. Her unborn babe was obviously finding her bladder a comfortable water bed, or an extremely squishy toy.
Daine bit her lip and once again tried to take her mind off it. Her eyes flicked around the room, and noting with amusement Alanna's closed eyes as the current speaker droned on. She then saw Numair's elbow nudge her awake again. Subconsciously, the Wildmage's leg began to jitter, bouncing up and down. Daine flicked her eyes to the woman next to her and caught the small grin her friend was giving her.
"What are you smiling at?" Daine hissed, shifting in her seat again and moving closer to Onua.
"I'm remembering the looks you got the last time you got up." Onua's hand came to rest on Daine's bouncing leg, halting its movements. Her stopped leg, however, triggered her fingers to start drumming along beside her and her other foot tapping.
"Then why in Gods name would Jon seat a pregnant woman in the middle of a Gods cursed room?" She hissed back heatedly.
'Concentrate on something else' she told herself. Daine looked to the front of the room, and then noticed that the man in front of her had turned in his seat to look disapprovingly at her. It was then the Wildmage realised her foot was tapping his seat rhythmically.
"Sorry." She mouthed, Onua snorting back a laugh beside her. Others around her began to shift in annoyance and murmur between themselves, the interruption they were causing obviously distracting them. Daine sat up in her seat as Onua clasped a hand to her mouth.
"In the middle of the room though…"
"A wild distraction…"
Words flitted around her and she rolled her eyes, and a sudden thought popped into her head as delegates around her whispered about her.
"Do you mind?" she asked curtly, eyeing off different people. "I am trying to listen." Daine bit her lip to stop laughing, sure that if she did she would wet herself there and then. The looks she got caused her to pinch her arm as Onua wiped a stray tear. Daine then looked up and caught the eyes of the Lioness and her husband. Alanna's eyes sparkling with mischievous, Numair's with mild curiosity.
People around her settled as Daine's thoughts drifted away from her need to use the privy, but a sudden kick to her bladder caused her to bite her lip again and grab her stomach. Numair half rose in his chair, his eyes had not left her form since she had caused the stirring before.
The Wildmage smiled at Numair and shook her head, letting him resume his seat. Onua glanced in her direction, having finally stopped laughing.
"I have to go again." Daine whispered. "If I don't leave now, I swear to the Goddess that the delegates will be swimming soon." Onua couldn't help it, she tried to cover her mouth in time but an image of the delegates' faces, should Daine accidentally wet herself, rose in her mind and the Horse Mistress burst into uncontrollable laughter. Daine was half out of her seat as her older friend started to laugh hysterically and she felt every pair of eyes turn to her. She froze, and glanced around the room, holding back a groan of pain and humiliation as the baby kicked again and every one watched her.
"Onua! Shhhh." Daine hissed, her temper rising suddenly. She stood up straight and couldn't stop the low groan escape her as her back clicked and the dull ache low in her belly put even more pressure on her bladder.
Apologising profusely as she went, Daine squeezed down her row, the people she passed standing to allow her access to the end of the row. They murmured their annoyance, causing her to anger even more. Onua had a hand over her mouth as the speaker began talking again, and Daine saw that Numair had also covered his mouth, not in humiliation for his wife, but he too was muffling laughter.
Another kick in her belly caused her to think about the problem at hand, this being to getting passed these old ninnys' and to the door. She passed the last man for the fifth time that hour, but the bearded old man could only smile.
"I'm sorry Myles." Daine whispered.
"Your quite alright my dear, puts a little amusement into the day." He answered quietly, squeezing her hand. "Why did Jon have you seated in the middle of the hall though?" Daine shrugged in response and started walking, hands cupping her large stomach. The Wildmage had almost reached the door, trying to be inconspicuous and as fast as she could, when a man in his fifties hissed one word to the knight beside him, "Women." Not paying attention to the fact that the Knight was actually the Giant Killer himself, future Godfather to the babe she had in her belly.
Daine stopped, noting the intention at the insult, and turned to face the man as Raoul grinned.
"Well excuse me for having been born a woman sir." She began, setting her jaw and planting fists on her hips. "Have you considered the fact that it was a woman that brought you into this world? That she probably went through the exact same thing that I and thousands more am experiencing?" The man turned to her, then to Raoul for support. The Knight just shook his head.
"You've gone and done it now." He said calmly, standing himself and brushing past the man. "Angered an extremely hormonal pregnant woman." Raoul grinned as he passed Daine, patting her stomach before continuing onto the door.
The man was lost for words, obviously having not realised she would be so outright and forthcoming, nor that the man that had been beside him would be on her side.
"Until you have the pleasure of bearing a child sir, you have absolutely no right to judge me. Nor have you the right to say anything remotely sexist, what you say doesn't mean a thing." Daine smiled sourly and continued on, finally…finally reaching the door.
Striding down the corridor, Daine gripped her stomach as her babe kicked once more.
"You, my child, will be the death of me." Servants nodded as the Wildmage hurried passed them, some of them grinning knowingly; they had already seen her walk passed hurriedly several times in the last hour.
Taking stairs as quickly as she could, Daine sighed in relief as the door to hers and Numair's rooms came into view. She shoved her hand into her pocket and stopped so suddenly that she almost fell forwards. Her key... it wasn't in her pocket.
"Oh no." she cried, shoving a hand into her other pocket, finding the same empty space. "No, no, no, no." She was jigging on the spot, patting her body, searching for the key. It must have fallen onto her seat!
"Daine?" An amused voice called from the bottom of the stairs.
"Onua?" she replied, turning towards the voice as her friend came up the stairs, a key in her hand.
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you." She sighed, waddling towards the grinning woman. "I would not have made it there and back again." Daine grabbed the key from the now laughing woman, returned to her door and shoved it in the lock. When it opened, she pushed it aside and just left the key in the door. There were more important matters at hand.
She finally, finally made it to the privy, and groaned loudly and with much delight as she relieved herself.
"You should have seen their faces of horror when I stood up to follow you." Onua called through the room. "And what on earth did you say to that poor man at the end of the room?" she called curiously. Daine finished, and after washing her hands waddled back out to her friend.
"Better?" The Horse Mistress inquired? Daine only sighed and smiled.
"Much. That man insulted me." She replied, also answering the earlier question.
"How? And for Goddess sakes why? You are not really in the right frame of mind to be thrown insults at."
"By calling me a 'woman'." Daine mimicked, Onua just nodded knowingly, yet grinning all the same. Daine poured herself a glass of water and swallowed thirstily.
"Lets go." She said when she had finished. "Jon is likely to be wondering whether or not we will return."
When they reached the closed doors of the conference hall, both women stared at the handles, then at each other.
"I don't think they will miss us." Onua remarked dryly, a smile curving her lips. Daine felt her babe kick again and looked at the doors and then back at Onua, who was still watching her for a reaction. The Wildmage replied with five little words, which set Onua into hysterics once more.
"I need to pee again."
Firstly I want to apologise for having not yet posting a chapter for "Now that War is Done". I have written a chap but wanted to write another before posting it. I have just started Uni so life for me has suddenly gotten a whole lot busier.
But I hope you all enjoyed that little fic. PLEASE REVIEW! I hope it wasn't too OOC. I want to know what you all think.
Your devoted yet somewhat busy authoress,