Adventures Were Made for Indiana Jones

RATED: T for heavy swearing, mild sex, and drug content.

a/n: 11 PAGES!! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?! Crack!!fic


PT 1

Like Boston Public, only Cheesier

I can pin this entire string of events on one particular Monday morning. I can't remember which one, because after three years of high school they all sort of start to blend together- but I can say that Charlie was being pleasant. Extremely pleasant.

"Bella, are you doing drugs?" I almost choked on my spoonful of Cocoa Puffs. His question certainly explained a lot, but it was unexpected nonetheless.

"I'm not sure how to answer that." I replied, wiping some brown milk from my blouse and chin. Charlie refused to look up from his own bowl of cereal, but handed me a napkin.

"A simple 'no' might suffice."

"No, then."

"Do you know anybody who does drugs?"

"Oh, yes, let me place a call to my good friend Mia Wallace..."


"No, dad. I do not know anybody who does drugs." This was getting ridiculous. Charlie had always trusted me not to sniff blow in the past, and we had come to this silent agreement.: He doesn't talk to me about sex/drugs/rock n' roll, and I don't lock myself in my room and listen to Fallout Boy on full blast.

"Damn! That really would have helped..." This conversation had more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. "Are you sure?"

"Charlie, what's this about?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking me in the eye for the first time. "We've had a rash of cases concerning teens from Forks High getting wasted and vandalizing properties. The force thinks that somebody from within the school might be..."

"Dealing drugs?" I scoffed. No way. The last big Forks High scandal was Luke Bowman letting off a cherry bomb in the west wing girl's bathroom. "No...that's not a possibility."

"Maybe not." Sighed my companion, swirling his spoon about in his cereal. "But right now it's our most likely bet. Listen, Bells, I don't want to have to ask you to do this, but..."

"You want me to smoke out the dealer."

"Random locker searches will just single out who's doing the stuff. We want to nip this in the bud- it would be nice if you could do some snooping."

"My Monday has suddenly gotten a lot more interesting."

"But nothing dangerous, okay? Just ask around the most-" his eyes drifted over to were Edward's Volvo had just pulled into our driveway. "-likely suspects."

"Yuh-huh." I nodded bemusedly, chugging the rest of my milk and slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I was out the door before you could say "Drug Paraphernalia".

PT 2

Of all the Batman Parodies in the World...

"Edward, are you selling drugs to the unsuspecting youth of Forks high?"

"Damn! My secret business has been found out. You're just to smart for me, Isabella Swan- I will lead you to my secret Crack Cave at once!"

"Don't be a wiseass."

"Sorry." I could tell by the grin on his face that he didn't regret it the least bit. "It was just sort of a ridiculous question, is all."

"Yeah. I'm only asking because Charlie thinks that there's a drug dealer somewhere in Forks High and is asking me to help find him."

"A drug dealer?" Edward looked skeptical as he pulled the car into the driveway, grabbing my bag and lunging to open the door for me- I was too quick for him, though. "I doubt it."

"Yeah, so do I. But," I walked beside him as we started towards homeroom together.. "It's the only lead the force has right now. I figure if I ask around and strike out the possibility they might get their asses into gear and think up another theory."

" careful, okay?" He looked down at me, immaculate brow furrowed in concern "Don't get in over your head."

I scoffed. "You might as well be saying 'careful not to drown in the kiddie pool.''"

He kept his moth shut after that, but I knew he ached to say something more.

PT 3

Elementary, Watson

My first big break came during lunch, when I mentioned my plight to Angela and Jessica. While Jess just nodded and continued doting on Mike, I could see a flash of fear wash over Ange's face- but it was only momentary. She immediately refocused her attention on a plate of mashed poatatoes.

Afterwards, Edward started for his Biology class and I was left to retie my shoelace amid the swarm of students. If somebody had wanted to kidnap me at that very moment, I would have been powerless to stop them.

And, of course, somebody did.

"Woah!" I screeched, feeling a hand yank me into the West Wing girl's bathroom. I was lucky, no murdering psychopaths- just Angela, pacing and ringing her hands as I gathered my bearings by the sink.

"I'm sorry, Bella..." She murmured wearily, stilling and turning towards me. Her face was pale and caked with sweat "I'm sorry for the dramatics. But I think I may have some information you need for this drug...thing."

I was stunned "You know a drug dealer?"

"Not exactly," Angela gulped "I used to date a guy who might have connections with one, though. His name is Beau Jameson."

"Beau Jameson?" The name didn't ring a bell. I told her so.

"Beau is very...elusive. I might be able to set up a meeting..."

"'Set up a meeting'? We're not in the Godfather, Ange, can't I just stop by his locker or something?"

She looked at me as if I had grown a second head. "Are you insane? Do you want to disappear off of the face of the earth?"

"What?" She had to be over dramatizing this, just a bit- though part of me hoped she wasn't. The idea of an entire underground mafia-style secret Forks was as tempting as if was terrifying. It was now that it dawned upon me that Charlie's theory might not have been far off the mark. "This Beau guy couldn't do that."

Angela stared at me gravely "Have you ever heard of James McOwen?"




Almost Like Dickens

Three days later, I found a folded up piece of stationary shoved in my locker. When I opened it, a very simple note was scrawled across:




Four o' clock

You pay for yours, I'll pay for mine.

Beau Jameson "BoJangles"

PT 4:

A Meeting with Micheal Corleone Would Have Been Safer

Even though Edward implored me not to go, I found myself outside of Toni's Deli at four o' clock Friday afternoon. I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to pick Beau out of the crowd, as the note he put in my locker didn't come with a picture.

But, as it turns out, he wasn't too hard to notice. Beau Jameson was sitting at a corner table, hunched over a burger and cherry coke. He was your average teenage miscreant, sporting long, greasy hair and a denim faux-badboy jacket covered with stains.

"Beau?" I asked, approaching the table apprehensively. I had to take deep breaths and remind myself I wasn't in a chapter from The Outsiders. "Beau Jameson?"

He looked up this time, shiny locks falling around a pasty white face. The kid looked like a goblin from the Fairy Tales Renee used to read to me. "What the fuck's it to ya?" He spat, almost spraying a mixture of relish and saliva all over my face.

"I'm Bella Swan."

He regarded me like a lost puppy. "Isabella Swan."

"Oh." Beau put down his meal and grinned wolfishly. "Nice rack."

Was this some sort of drug dealer initiation greeting? Was I supposed to reply with a comment about his tight girl pants? Angela hadn't told me about this kind of thing!

"Um, thanks, Beau."

"Please," he gestured to a chair "Call me BoJangles."

PT 5

She Certainly Didn't See That one Coming

"So, Bella," Beau took a noisy slurp from his coke "what brings you to this part of town?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about. Was there some sort of gangsta-bika hood in Forks that I was completely unaware of ? I decided to take it as a metaphor.

"Um, I- and before I say this, I want to be sure you aren't going to put my feet in cinder blocks and drop me to the bottom of lake Forks."

"I didn't know we would be getting into this conversation. I forgot to bring the wavers..."

"Never mind. Not worth it." I sighed "Do you know any drug dealers within the school?"

BoJangles didn't seem at all perplexed by this question. Rather, he kept 90 percent of his attention focused on a double cheeseburger and didn't pay me any mind "I might."

"So is this confirmation that there are?"

"Woah, woah, woah." He put up his hand in imitation of a traffic cop. "I'm not sayin' nothin. Not one goddamn word until's say scratch my back."

He better not be choosing this time to be serious. "You better not be choosing this time to be serious."

BoJangles's laugh was sour and greasy, shaking the entire table even though he was skinny as a toothpick. "Aw, fuck! Girl, you got wit. I like that in a woman, I really do."

I grimaced. Time to tone down on the glib comments. What the hell did Angela ever see in this guy, anyway? "What do you mean by 'scratch your back', BoJangles?"

He wiped tears from the corners of his eyes "I mean, you gotta do me a favour."

I don't think Charlie would smile upon me getting into an underground Forks Crime ring- but on the other hand, what's the worst they could be doing? Tipping cows?

Okay, so maybe that was a little unfair, but not altogether untrue. My home isn't exactly known for it's extreme scandal.

"Name it."

"You know my business, right?"

Oh, no.

"Drugs?" I gulped. Had I somehow gotten over my head in the shallow side of the pool? Goddamn, I knew I should have brought my floaties along- just in case.

Another raucous guffaw that made Beau seem five times heavier than he actually was. "Goddamn. You're hillarious Bella- somebody might pay for this shit." He was being sarcastic. Or he wanted to get in my pants. I wasn't in a position to dwell on it. "Drugs! you think I'm an idiot or something?"



"There's only one guy stupid and clever enough to sell the powdery shit, and I ain't him. I'm in a much less...dangerous...line of marketing. Lean in close and have a listen..."

PT 6

A Mission

", basically, you acquire porn magazines and sell them to the hormonally challenged male population of Forks High school for double the store price?" It was ingenious like the Zodiac Killer was clever.

"Yeah." BoJangles licked some ketchup from his finger, making disgusting smacking noises with his lips. "Pretty fucking smart, huh?"

"I guess. But why don't they just go to the store and get 'em cheaper?"

"This is Forks, Bella." He scoffed "Everybody knows everybody. If a kid goes to buy a Playboy at the drugstore, the clerk is gonna go home and tell her boyfriend. The boyfriend is gonna gab about it to his office buddy, who's going to mention it to his wife, who's going to tell it to her partner in Pilates class- who happens to be the teenager's mom. Us? We're like buying porn in a hotel. The name is not on the receipt."

"Uh-huh." Since when did Thugs make good business sense? I found myself missing the days of the disenfranchised youth of America. "So what do you want me to do, exactly?"

"Well, we're running a little slow on stock." I could see BoJangles's eyes twinkling. The bastard just wanted to see me squirm- what ever he was about to say next, it wasn't going to be good for me. "I need about fifty mags by next week."

"You want me to get you fifty porn magazines?" I could hear the shrill incredulity in my voice, which was causing the light smattering of patrons to turn towards our table. Blood was rushing to my cheeks as I smiled and laughed jokingly, waving their gazes off as if this was some sort of game me and him played all the time.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best metaphor.

But that's not the point.

"And bring 'em to me, same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel. You'll get your name." Beau stood up with surprising self confidence and dignity (to contrast the fact that I was now sagging in my chair, deflated) and wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve. I didn't bother watching him go. There was no point.

PT 7

Getting the Magazines was Easier Than I Thought

Getting the magazines was easier than I thought.

Both Jessica and Angela had heard about my little collection through the grapevine, and greeted me at lunch on Monday with a stack of Mike and Ben's stash- Justifying their actions by saying that they (Mike and Ben) "had girlfriends now, anyway"

Over the weekend, Charlie had gone to a game with Billie- which meant I got the fun task of searching for magazines in the back of his closet.

To my relief, he only owned a couple of Playboys that predated Christ. Of course, this seemed odd for a single guy with a high school daughter- but I didn't dwell on where he was getting his jollies these days. That would've been just downright wrong.

I had thirty mags now- and unless I wanted to buy twenty more and have Charlie be the Pilaties mom from BoJangles's story, I needed to use my final source.

The Cullen Boys

PT 8

I Can't Think of a Witty Title. Just Read it.

I felt like some kind of snooping maniac, checking under Emmett's bed and in his pillow cases with Alice buried in his closet. I was fairly certain that Vampires didn't even look at Porn, but my companion assured me that we would find more than enough in the house to fulfill my quota.

"Aha!" I heard the pixie-girl exclaim. "I hit the jackpot." ...And it all snowballed from there.

We found ten in Emmett's room, five in Jasper's (much to Alice's relief) and some weird German Anatomy book in Carlisle's study that had a bunch of pictures of naked people in it. We took it just to be safe.

Then there was Edward's room.

Alice made me walk into his closet (which was surprisingly messy) while she looked under his bed and in all the usual places. I knew for a fact that she just wanted to see me flustered.

"I don't see anything in here!" I shouted after a moment. And it was the truth- even with the light in the bedroom turned on, my place cocooned in a pile of shirts, pants, boardgames and assorted junk offered very little illumination. "I'll just come-" as I said this, my foot hit something glossy- a photograph, maybe? Did I really want to see?

Bending over, suspicions were affirmed when the tips of my fingers hit photo paper.

"You found something!" Sing-songed Alice.

"Yeah, I-" Wearily, I brought the picture to a wedge of light that seeped in from the doorway. My eyes widened.

"What is it?" Feather light footsteps dancing towards me. I wanted to hide the offending thing, but could tell by her giggles that she already had an idea of what it was. "oooh, Bella Bear! Look at that!" She didn't even try to suppress laughter as I felt the urge to giggle myself. Edward was such a nerd.

There was a photo of the one time Alice had ever persuaded me to wear something vaguely bikini-esque at the Port Angeles swimming pool. I remember the picture being taken, but couldn't recall who exactly had gotten off with it- well, one mystery solved. I shoved it into my pocket.

"What are you doing?"

"Maybe if I deprive him of his resources, he'll finally come for the real thing."

"Crafty." She had already lost interest, standing on his bed to get a good look at his ceiling fan. I turned to close the closet doors, when my foot hit something creaky. A loose floorboard? Which could only mean...


Taking Stock

Over all, we found about 25 different magazines in Edward's closet- all covered in mothballs and thankfully, seemingly having fallen into disuse over the years.

I had well over my quota for BoJangles. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not.

PT 9

And the Plot Thickens

"Jesus, Swan! Whadid ya do, raid the goddamn Playboy mansion?"

"Something like that." I sighed, once again watching BoJangles wolf down a burger and cherry coke. He paused every now and then to flip through the selection I had provided.

"And this German shit?" He scoffed "This is hot. Way. Fucking. Hot."

"I'm glad you approve," I said dryly, picking at my own plate of fries "what about the name you promised?"

"Yeah, yeah." He murmured, clearly more interested in a copy of Playboy than the conversation at hand. "Let's say I know a guy, who knows a guy..."

"Woah, now, BoJangles." I halted him. "This isn't Six Degrees of Separation. Either you know a guy- just one- or the deal's off." To accent my point, I pushed the stack of mags away from my adversary.

"Alright, Alright!" He broke immediately "I'll tell you. But I can't say his name aloud. The kids kida...infamous."

"Do it in Morse Code for all I care. Just give me the damn name."

BoJangles tore a piece from his napkin and grabbed a pen from his jacket pocket. Quickly, he scribbled something down and slid it across the table to me.

Annoyed with the secrecy, I rolled my eyes and glanced down at the paper. Instantly, all traces of sarcasm faded away.

"Oh, goddamnit!"

PT 10

No, Now the Plot Thickens

"Emmett!" I shrieked, waving around the offending scrap of paper like a madwoman. I found him sitting in the lunch room, staring down at his pizza like it was toxic waste. "What the hell!"

"Hmmm..." Nobody else sitting at our table payed me any mind. "Something you need, Bella Bear?"

"Why didn't you tell me you had connections with a drug dealer?"

He gave me a confused look. "Why didn't you ask?"


Oh, it was on.

"Emmett, I swear to God-"

"Calm down. Do you want the name or not?"

"I do." I said, sobering up. He leaned in and whispered something in my ear.

"Oh, God Freaking Damnit!"

PT 11

The Plot has Now Reached a Boiling Point.



"Nice Shades." We met in the back lot behind Gottschalk's, him looking suspiciously like Neo and me feeling out of place in my sapphire blue shirt and jeans. "Could I talk to you for a minute?"

"About drugs?" He raised an eyebrow.

"About drugs." I moved towards him cautiously, regretting not buying a can of mace to bring along- but then again, what's the worse Mike could do? "I hear you're in the business."

"I hear you're the sheriff's daughter." He countered, sniffing. "I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Listen, Mike, just because I'm-" just then, a rustling in the bushes announced the arrival of three boys- one lanky, one short, and one pudgy. I recognized them as Micah, Isaac and Anthony from by homeroom- why were they here?

The impulse to run tingled in my legs, knowing by their stone-cold determined looks that it wasn't for anything good. Micah, the lanky one, advanced on me.

"You need to promise you won't tell anyone about this, Bella." He said, continuously moving forward. My breathing was thick and rapid as I took my first instinct and turned on my heel, bolting for the safety of the street.

I remember my feet coming out from under me, the ground rushing towards my face- and then nothing.

PT 11

Of All The Places in the World

When I woke up, there was a lump on the back of my head the size of a golf ball and it was throbbing like a bitch. A small bit of blood tinged in the inside of my mouth, coppery and tart- an experimental movement of my limbs revealed that I wasn't tied down by anything, thankfully.

But it also proved that I was laying on a sharp something- a lot of sharp somethings. Shifting around more, I determined it was something like glass or- ceramics?

I cracked open my eyes and peered around. Twilight was just setting in, but I could see I was in a gravel courtyard surrounded by stone statues- the most immediate one, a robed man with his head tilting to the heavens and hands clasped piously in prayer, was twice as big as I was normally.

I knew where I was.

My legs were shaky and my vision was marred with dark spots, but using my good friend robed man I was able to pull myself into a standing position. Suzette's Stone Ceramic Bin was not to far from my house- if I could just muster up the strength to walk-

"She's getting up!" Shit, it was Isaac. And judging by the duel footsteps, Micah and Anthony were not far behind. I had to move- and quick.

Navigating through the stone maze, I was able to find refuge behind Virgin Mary, cowering down as I listened to the crunch of gravel slowing. Confusion from my perusers was thick in the air, but it wouldn't last long as I knew that they would hear my loud, erratic breathing at some point.

It was then that I got some measure of Holy Guidance.

There, hanging on one of her outstretched arms, was a rusty enlarged string of rosary beads. It looked just big enough to pack a punch without seriously harming anyone.

"She's behind the Virgin Mary!" Micah shouted. Quickly, I tugged the beads from their perch and swung like a baseball player in the last inning- hitting something hard and vaguely head-esque.

PT 12

...And Justice was Served

As it turned out, I gave Anthony a mild concussion with my Holy Beads of Death© and effectively scared off both Micah and Isaac.

But not before the cops, who had been tipped off by Edward, who had been tipped off by Alice, who had been tipped off by her mad skills, caught them running franticly towards the school. Put in the face of the law, they confessed to everything and ratted out Mike instantly.

I went to the hospital with minor cuts and bruises. Edward came to see me three times a day during my weekend stint, and I even got a visit from BoJangles during my last hour there.

I was just finished dressing out of my hospital gown when he entered, carrying a vase of flowers and a shit-eating grin.

"I told you. The metaphorical Forks Pool is a lot deeper than you might think."

I nodded. "Yeah. I guess I...underestimated it a bit."

"'s not your fault. never saw none of this, okay?" He gave me a glare. "Don't doubt that the PTB will snatch your ass if you mention it to anyone else."

For the first time since this entire shebang went down, I didn't. I really, really didn't.