The Art of Duelling

By Random Shinobi

Summary: Harry finds an old parchment that instructs him in how to properly use his...wand. Miscommunication, horny witches, weird potions and the general insanity of the Wizarding race go a long way to secure what follows as one of the most brilliantly stupid events to ever grace the annals of history.

Genre: Humour

Rating: PG-13 (Rated for blatant sexual innuendo.)

Pairing: Harry/Many

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, then it might well belong to JKR or to some of her affiliates. Or to some random people out there.

Thanks to Kath, DavidMPotter, mandalorianjedi and semil for their excellent ideas and Marykatepeverell for her help.


Chapter Two: Grindelwald's Legacy

A knowing smirk found its way to the headmaster's lips as he silently watched the two students who were leaving the library to...duel.

He seriously hoped that Mr. Potter would pull through as the winner of their recreational exercise. After all, losing even a friendly duel could damage Harry's reputation – which was, at this point, very fragile – and make him less likely to find more, willing partners. Considering that mad Dark witches like Bellatrix Black were after him, Harry needed all the experience he could get. Of course, Ginny might not be a good enough dueller to realize some of Harry's initial faults, but he would have to learn fast, if only so that he could give a good accounting of himself to the more skilled duellers he was going to encounter.

Albus Dumbledore let his Invisibility Charm fall away, the complicated spell unravelling in silvery strands, and sat on the comfy chair abandoned by the black-haired teen-wizard, his blue eyes scanning the yellowing parchment left on the table.

It had been ridiculously easy to slip it to Harry, and now it seemed that, thanks to Ms. Weasley, his plans were proceeding very well. Not that the plan had ever really had any real chance of failing; the parchment had been, after all, created by three great minds.

A flick of his ancient wand conjured a small glass container filled to the brim with his favourite sweets. The bowl appeared in the air and fell a few inches before hitting the table with a dull thud, the impact scattering over a dozen lemon drops on the wooden boards. He reached out and popped one of the yellow sweets into his mouth, enjoying the sweet but citrous taste.

The aged headmaster knew that Harry was destined to vanquish the Dark Lord, and so he had decided to do his utmost to ensure that Mr. Potter would succeed. The Prophecy spoke of a power that Voldemort knew not – and Albus was determined that this power was love. Unfortunately, Harry had never had much love, or even truly learned to love because of Dursleys.

So it fell to him to correct the unfortunate fact.

Now Harry would learn to love – and love pretty damn good at that – and Albus could just lean back and enjoy the show, confident that the Dark Lord would fall.

He snapped his fingers twice and a house-elf appeared with a soft pop. Albus smiled at the small creature. "Hello, Dobby. It seems that Mr. Potter has forgotten some of his property here. Could you return the items to his dormitory?"

"Sir! Of course, sir!" the elf said excitedly. "Dobby is happy to serve the two greatest wizards of all!"

"Dobby, don't!" Albus started, but then stopped. "Never mind." With a simple hand gesture the house-elf had levitated the books, papers and quills laying on the table into his waiting arms, the duelling parchment at the bottom.

Albus watched the elf for a few seconds in deep contemplation, before he spoke evenly, "Once you have returned Harry's things, take Winky and go and...clean the Shrieking Shack, if you please."

"Dobby is overjoyed havin' the privilege, sir!" the elf said, and vanished with a barely audible pop.

After Dobby was gone, Albus leaned into the chair and closed his eyes, taking a more comfortable position. His thoughts drifted to his first experience with the duelling parchment, almost inaudible, perverted chuckles escaping his lips...


"Albus, Albus!"

Grindelwald's voice awoke him, and, lifting his head from the dirty table, he looked dazedly around. The other wizard was sitting on said table, holding a piece of parchment in his gloved hand and waving it around like it was something important.

Albus Dumbledore was, however, acutely feeling the after-effects of last night's party and found it difficult to find any interest in a random paper. "What now, Gellert? Can't you see I'm busy?" he snapped grumpily, trying to bring the world into focus. "And for Merlin's sake, stop your bloody screaming."

"Indeed, my friend," the fair-haired man said evenly, but even in his confused state, Albus could tell his friend's words were oozing with sarcasm. "I see you are busy resting after your epic exploits last night. Although I'm sure your brother will be even more famous – or quite possibly, infamous, considering all the things he did with that exceptionally unlucky sheep, than you will be, Albus. You have my deepest condolences."

At this point, the wizard's poker-face slipped away, and he burst out laughing. It started as almost inaudible snorts but quickly escalated into a full-blown, almost maniacal, laughter.

Dumbledore's face twitched in annoyance as he glared the other wizard. He couldn't even hazily recall what had happened last night after they had gone to that bar. What did Aberforth do? he wondered, desperately trying to recall the events. What did I do, for that matter?

"What's that paper you hold?" Albus asked after a moment, deciding to chance the subject. Needless to say, he failed spectacularly.

Gellert's faint smile become suddenly vampire-like. "Actually, Albus, that's something I wanted to ask you."

He blinked. "How so?"

"Because you wrote it."

"Oh," Albus said softly. "What does it say?"

"Look at it yourself," Gellert said, and threw the parchment on the table in front of him. Albus reached out, lifting it in his shaky hands, and begun reading.

"Well," he said after a moment, his blue eyes scanning the parchment. "I could not have written anything dirtier without resorting to actual pornography. Did I really write this last night?"

"You did," the other wizard answered with an evil smile. "Flamel and I thought it was absolutely hilarious and, this morning, soaked it in an interesting concoction containing both Felix Felicis and Confunding Elixir.

The parchment slipped from his fingertips and he looked confusedly at Grindelwald. "Why?"

"Because both of those work only when taken willingly – luckily, the rules say nothing about it having to be done knowingly," Gellert explained, looking very pleased with himself. "Special components Nicholas added enable the potions to work through skin, eliminating the need for you to actually consume them. Oh, and this is nothing but an overtly convoluted plan to get you laid."

"What!"

"We came into conclusion that it's time for you to finally get rid of your virginity," the non-inebriated wizard said firmly. "There are even rumours of you playing for the other team, for Merlin's sake! With those potions flowing in your bloodstream you can and will score. It's useless to fight it. Soon, if it hasn't already, the Confunding Elixir will begin its job to lower your inhibitions and make you unable to think straight. This will guarantee that you act on the opportunity that the special batch of Felix Felicis will offer."

Then, without any warning, a scarlet bolt of light blasted through the large window that covered half of the western wall, spreading glass shards everywhere, and hitting Gellert Grindelwald squarely in the back. For some unexplainable reason, neither of the wizards got hit by the sharp projectiles. Dumbledore watched as Gellert slumped onto the table so that his backside was pointing towards him, clearly unconscious. A second later, another jet of light escaped from the neighbour family's argument, came through the already shattered window, and Transfigured the Stunned wizard's clothes into pair of skimpy, witch's undergarments.

Albus smiled in a predatory manner; he was suddenly having a strange desire to do something he had never done before...


Harry watched as Ginny slid her black robe off her shoulders and then let the piece of clothing fall on the floor. There was something incredible sensual in the way the dark fabric slid down her body, and Harry nearly gulped as he saw that the redhead had begun loosening her red and gold Gryffindor tie.

She apparently noticed his questioning gaze as she turned towards him; her hands, however, didn't stop their work, and the tie was soon completely off. "Harry, shouldn't you take off your robe too?" Ginny said and looked at him intently. Then she blushed slightly and added, "You're not thinking that you're going to do it fully robed?"

Harry blinked. It took him a few second to understand what she meant, but then he quickly decided that she was indeed right; robes would only impede his movements. "Of course not," he said, trying to act like he had known it all along, casually taking off his robe, which had already been hanging open, and then threw it to the nearest corner so that it wouldn't be on their way during the duel. The robe made hardly any sound as it hit the floor in a tangle.

Then he got another idea. "Ginny, do you think that I should take off my shirt too? It would make my movements easier during the duel, don't you think?"

"Still using those kinky euphemisms, I see," the brown-eyed witch said amusedly, dropping the Gryffindor tie on the floor. Then her nimble fingers begun slowly unbuttoning her white blouse and her previously faint smile quickly turned positively evil. "Well, I can do it too."

Now Harry was really confused; he had no idea of what she was talking about, but before he managed to utter anything coherent Ginny was already speaking again, and this time she seemed to have problems containing her grin although she was blushing heavily.

"So, do you want me to service your wand first?"

The green-eyed wizard blinked again and then looked at the eleven-inch holly wand in his hand. He wasn't exactly sure what she meant by 'servicing', but he assumed that she wanted to clean it. After all, his wand wasn't exactly the epitome of cleanliness. Besides, Ginny could clean it with a single Scourgify, and the leaflet had said something about 'contact surface', hinting that cleanliness might help in channelling magic. "Sure. I don't see why not."

She walked in front of him, her hips swaying in an exaggerated manner, but instead of drawing her own wand to cast the charm as he expected, she dropped on her knees. And as she had already unbuttoned most of her shirt, the young wizard could now see her white, lacy bra and a gracious amount of bare skin, which caused Harry to gulp loudly. He opened his mouth to say something, but then Ginny looked upwards and her brown eyes locked with his emerald ones. She looked almost idolizing, and that was enough to momentarily freeze him. Then she licked her lips sensually and her hands reached for him...