Link's Windwaker Adventure!
A/N: I own everything except Zelda.
It was a clear, sunny day on the small island of Outset. A little girl with blonde hair emerged from small house at the far end of the island and breathed in the gentle breeze before running off to find her brother.
"Big Brother!" called Aryll, "Oy! Big Brother!"
He was nowhere in sight.
"Oy! Prick! Where the fuck are you?"
Aryll ran down the edge of the beach before arriving at a tall watchtower, which she quickly climbed. In the the middle of the platform at the very top, lay her brother, Link, who was wearing nothing but dirty boxers and was surrounded by smashed beer cans.
"Aw, come on, big brother!" said Aryll, "The fuck is all this?"
Link slowly awoke and rubbed his messy blonde hair as he looked around.
"Where the fuck am I?" asked Link, "God, I'm so fucking hungover."
"Well," said Aryll, "If you hadn't stayed up all night drinking, then you would have known that today is your birthday!"
"Oh, right," said Link, "That's why I got hammered last night. I was depressed about turning 12."
"'Cause, Sis, I'm getting old...Responsiblities and shit. Plus, I have to wear that gay outfit!"
"Speaking of which..."
Aryll pulled out a bunch of dirty green tights.
"Put these on," ordered Aryll.
"Couldn't Grandma at least have ironed them or something?"
"Just put the fucking clothes on and get this shit over with!"
"Easy for you to say," muttered Link, "You're a girl, and you don't have to do this crap!"
"What are you talking about?" said Aryll, "When I come of age, they're gonna staple my vagina shut!"
Link stripped naked (Not caring that his little sister was right in front of him) and put the Hero's clothes on.
"They smell like barf and they're a size too small," moaned Link, "And it's too fucking hot to wear them."
"Yeah, yeah," said Aryll, "Now, Big Brother, I have a surprise for you. Hold out your hands and close your eyes!"
Link did as he was told.
Link looked down at his hands and saw a red tube-shaped object lying on them.
"The hell is this?" asked Link, "One of your vibrators?"
"No, you fucking dumbass," said Aryll, "It's a telescope! It's so that you can look at things from far away!"
"Sweet!" said Link, "Now at night, I can watch Sue-Belle undress in her house!"
"That's why," began Aryll, "You're only keeping it for today."
"Give it a shot! Check out the red postbox."
Link looked through the telescope and examined the red postbox near Grandma's house. There was a tall, bird-like creature standing next to it. It had tons of make-up on and was wearing a blonde wig with a small pink dress.
"Hey," said Aryll, "It's Quill, the transvestite postman! Looks like he's delivering the mail!"
"I think you mean it's delivering the mail."
"Shut up!" snapped Aryll, "Hey what's wrong with him? Why's he so anxious?"
"Beats the hell outta me!" said Link.
"OH MY GOD! LOOK UP IN THE SKY!"
Link immediately look up with his telescope. In the sky, he saw an enormous bird carrying a small girl in its claws. Down below, on the sea, a large pirate ship closed in on the bird and began firing rocks at it with a catapult. One rock actually hit the bird, and as it plummeted to the sea, it dropped the girl into the forest on top of Outset Mountain.
"Shit!" said Link, "That was fucking cool!"
"No it wasn't!" yelled Aryll, "Link, you have to save her!"
"Why me? I'm just a child! There's tons of able-bodied fucks on this island who can go!"
"Yeah, but they're all lazy. Just talk to Orca so you can get some kind of weapon to defend yourself!"
Link dropped down the watchtower and ran immediately to Orca's house. Along the way, he encountered several familiar faces, including Mesa, who was constantly cutting his grass, Sue-Belle, the jar-carrying wench, and the Sturgeon, who lived above Orca and would occassionally step outside to yell harrassing comments at passerby's.
"Oy, Link!" yelled Sturgeon, as Link approached the house, "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Fuck off, old man," snapped Link.
"You can't run, boy! I know where you live!"
"Kiss my green ass!" Link then entered Orca's house.
Orca was sitting in the middle of the room, meditating.
"Hey, Orca!" called Link.
Orca did not answer.
"I said: 'HEY ORCA!'"
Link then stomped on Orca's balls.
"OH! OW!" yelled Orca, "Link! How nice to see you! May I offer you some candy?"
"No time," said Link, "You gotta teach me the ways of the sword in like, five minutes!"
"No can do!" said Orca, "Unless..."
Link then pulled a small bag of grass out of his pocket.
"Yay!" said Orca, "Now you're speakin' my language!"
"Will you teach me or not?" asked Link.
"Sure! Here's your sword, boy. Keep it safe with you. Now, the first lesson..."
For the next grueling five minutes, Link learned a bunch of sword techniques and went from pure amateur to being able to fight off large hordes of vicious monsters.
"Thank you, Sensei," said Link, bowing.
"My name's Orca," said Orca.
"Listen, young Link, before I send you off on your quest, I just want you to know that if you ever need help I'm always there for you. I know how hard it can be growing up without a father figure. Just let me say that I want to be your role model."
"Let's see," began Link, "You give a 12 year old boy a sharp, pointed object, teach him a bunch of lethal sword techniques that could easily take one of his eyes out, then send him into the godforsaken wilderness to search for some bitch he's never met in his life? Yeah, you're a great fucking role model."
"Have fun," said Orca.
Link walked out the door and headed to the path that lead him up the mountain.
Link eventually reached the forest. Link moved slowly through the trees and tall grass while carefully observing his surroundings.
"Interesting," said Link, "This place looks a lot larger on the inside than it did on the outside."
As Link moved forward, he saw the small girl hanging from a tree by her little pink panties.
"Ooooh," said Link, "Hot..."
However, the tree she hung from was surrounded by two imp-like creatures called Bokoblins.
"Okay," said Link, "Time to take out the trash."
Link charged towards the two creatures and violently slashed one of them then approached the other.
"Come on, motherfucker," said Link, "You wanna mess, ugly? Huh?"
The Bokoblin opened its mouth and let out a roar. Link plunged his sword into its mouth, killing it.
The girl opened her eyes and looked down. She saw Link taking a piss by the tree under her.
"What the..." she began. The brach she hung from snapped and she fell to the floor next to Link.
"Goddamnit," said Link, "Wait until I'm done next time!"
"Did you just save me or something?" asked the girl.
"Yeah," said Link, "But I wish you had woken up later so that I could've raped your unconscious body."
"Nothing. What's your name?"
"My name's Tetra," said the girl, "I'm a pirate."
"Yeah," said Link, "And I'm the abominable snowman!"
"Shut up, pretty boy."
"Aren't you thankful I saved you?"
"MISS TETRA!" yelled a voice.
The two turned around and saw a large, hairy-chested man approaching them.
"Miss Tetra!" said the man, "I'm so glad you are safe! When the bird dropped you onto this summit, I thought..."
"Summit?" said Tetra, "That bird dropped me onto a mountain?"
"No shit," said Link.
"That wasn't very nice of it," muttered Tetra.
"That's the worst insult you can think of?" asked Link, "How about 'When I find that fucking chicken I'm gonna ram a lead pipe up its sorry ass!"
"Come on," said Tetra, "Let's go teach that bird a lesson!"
"Hey!" snapped Link, "What about me, you filthy cow? I saved you!"
"What about the boy?" asked Gonzo.
"Leave him," ordered Tetra.
Link rolled his eyes as the two left the forest. He quickly followed them.
Outside, Tetra, Gonzo and Link approached the bridge to cross it, when Link saw a ghastly, terrifying sight:
"LINK!" snapped Aryll, "Where the fuck have you been?"
"I was saving this goddamn girl's life, you filthy slut!" yelled Link, "The fuck are you doing up here anyways?"
"Grandma's looking for you!" yelled Aryll, "And how long does it take to save someone's life?"
"Fuck you! You come up here next time with a sword, kill a bunch of blue-skinned shitheads, save some random chick's life, and make it back by supper!"
"I'm fed up with your attitude, Link! Why can't you be a nice, caring brother?"
"Why don't you just crawl into a hole and die! I'm fed up of your nagging!"
"Watch your tongue, Big Brother, or I'll take the telescope back!"
"Here, you can have your fucking vibrator back for all I care!"
"Um," began Tetra, "Link..."
However, before Tetra could finish her sentence, the enormous black bird returned and swooped down, grabbing Aryll in its claws. Link watched as she flew away in the distance.
"ARYLL!" screamed Link, "I'll save you!"
Link ran after Aryll. However, she was long gone, and Link, not realizing he was high up, fell right off the edge off the cliff.
Link fell down the cliff and crashed through the roof of Abe and Rose's house, which was right below where the trio stood. Zill and Joel were sleeping in their little bed. As Zill slept, he blew an enormous bubble of snot through his nose. Link had landed right onto the two, waking them up.
"Ow," said Link.
"Hey!" snapped Zill, "You burst my bubble!"
"Your what?" asked Link.
"My nose bubble!" replied Zill, "You burst my nose bubble! Now, you're gonna pay!"
Zill then kicked Link in the balls.
"OH! MY BALLS!" yelled Link.
Link walked out of the house, still clutching his aching testes.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Tetra, "Did you lose all sense of logic in that moment?"
"Yeah I sort of did. Pot does this to you."
"Well whatever," said Tetra, "We better go and save your sister!"
"What are you talking about? She's gone and there's nothing we can do about it. Now, would you like to come over to my house and have some cake?"
"NO!" snapped Tetra, "We're saving your sister! Gonzo..."
Gonzo then grabbed Link by the ear and dragged him to the beach.
"Awwww," said Link, "This sucks worse than a blow job from a ten cent hooker!"
"Ew," said Tetra.
"I swear," continued Link, "Look at the teeth marks!"
"No thanks," said Tetra, "I swore off things that can scar me for life!"
Later, at the beach:
"You want us to do what?" asked Tetra.
"Nothing," said Link, "Do whatever the hell you want, I don't care!"
"NO!" snapped Tetra, "That's not how it works, numbnuts! You're supposed to beg me to take you along!"
"The hell I am," said Link, "I'm going to bed!"
"It's ten in the morning," said Tetra.
Just then, Quill, the transvestite postman, flew down to the beach where the others stood.
"Hello darlings," said Quill, "How is everyone doing today?"
"Fine," replied everyone.
"I heard a commotion from across the island and decided to check it out. I hope everyone's okay."
"Yeah," replied Link, "We're all fine!"
"No," said Tetra, "His sister got kidnapped by a giant bird!"
"Oh," said Quill, "You mean the Helmaroc King? He's a very dangerous foe who works for a very dark and evil lord...And may I add, he's one sexy beast! Rrrrrr!"
"Where did it take Aryll?" asked Tetra.
"To its nest in the Forsaken Fortress, duh! That thing's been kidnapping plenty of little girls with long ears! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some lovely little packages to deliver! Ta-ta!"
Quill then flew off.
"The Forsaken Fortress?" said Tetra, "That place is heavily fortified and extremely dangerous! There's no way we can get in."
"Oh well," said Link, "At least you tried!"
Tetra slapped her forehead.
"Listen, Link," said Tetra, angrily, "Your sister got kidnapped by a monster, and you're gonna care, and you're gonna come with us so we can rescue her!"
"Alright, alright," said Link, "Geez, if you're gonna nag as much as my bitch of a sister, then I might as well rescue her!"
"Good. Now, is there anything on this island that you can use to defend yourself?"
"Yeah, your fat ass!"
"Very funny. I mean a shield, idiot!"
"Yeah, yeah, hold on!"
Link ran to his grandma's house.
"Grandma?" said Link, as he entered, "Grandma are you there?"
"Oh, my," said the old hag, as she approached Link, "Is that you, Link? Did you put on your hero's clothes?"
"Yeah," replied Link, "Um, where's the shield from our coat of arms?"
"Here it is," said Grandma, "I took it down to clean it. I can't believe another year has passed. You know, wearing those clothes is a great tradition and..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Link, taking the shield, "Listen, Grandma...Earlier today, Aryll was kidnapped by a large bird that took her to a dangerous place. I don't know if she's okay."
"Oh my," said Grandma, "I hope she packed a sweater!"
"Grandma," said Link, "You're not listening!"
"What?" said Grandma, "I'm sorry boy, my hearing ain't what it used to be!"
"ARYLL GOT KIDNAPPED!"
Link rubbed his forehead.
"Nevermind," said Link, "Listen, I'm going away for a while...No, for a long time. In fact, I may never return. It's going to be a rough journey."
"Okay, dear," said Grandma, "Just don't forget to pick up some milk along the way!"
Link bent down to kiss Grandma, but instead Grandma walked over to tall plant in the corner and kissed that instead.
"Ooooh Link," said Grandma, "Your skin is a lot rougher than I remembered."
Link simply walked out.
"Are you ready?" asked Tetra.
"Yeah, I'm ready," replied Link, "Geez, I wouldn't have rescued you if you were gonna be such a bitch."
"Whatever," said Tetra, "Now, let's get the flock outta here!"
Link climbed on board Tetra's ship with all the other pirates. Once everyone was ready, the ship began to take off. Many people in town gathered at the beach to wave goodbye to Link.
"LINK!" yelled Sturgeon, "You can't run forever! When you get back I'm gonna kill you!"
"Shut up, you old fuck!" snapped Link, "Every word that comes outta your mouth is an atrocity!"
And with that, the ship disappeared into the distance and Link's trip to Hell had begun...