Link's Windwaker Adventure!
The barrier that once protected from Hyrule from the waters of the Great Sea was now broken, and water was pouring down all over the land. Ganon, Link and Zelda were safe at the moment, since they were at the top of a very tall tower, but at the rate the water was coming, the whole kingdom was going to be flooded in a matter of minutes.
Worse, Ganondorf, who had lost all hope of survival, let alone taking over the world, was now planning on eliminating Zelda and Link, despite the fact that the duo didn't really have a way out of Hyrule anyways. Ain't life a bitch?
"All you have to do," began Zelda, who was holding Link's bow and several light arrows, "Is distract him. I'll try to shoot him."
"Sounds easy enough," said Link.
As Ganon approached Link, Zelda ran off to the side, leaving Link to face Ganon alone.
"Die!" yelled Ganon, who brought his sword down onto Link.
Link blocked the attack by holding his sword over his head. Link struggled to hold the sword in place. Suddenly, Ganon delivered a kick to Link's testicles.
"OW!" yelped Link, "What the hell was that you cheap fuck?"
"Aren't I just the worst?" teased Ganon.
"That's it sucka!" said Link, "Youze gonna pay!"
Link charged Ganon and swung many times, but Ganon blocked each blow. Suddenly, Zelda, who was standing at a distance, fired an arrow straight for Ganondorf. Ganondorf saw the arrow coming and managed to jump out of the way.
"Damnit, bitch!" snapped Link, "Learn to aim!"
"I'm trying to hit him," said Zelda, "But you're not doing a very good job of distracting him!"
"Let's trade places," said Link, "I can probably nail this guy between his balls from like, 10 miles away!"
"Pay attention, fuckface!"
Link turned around and saw Ganondorf lunge straight for Link. Despite blocking the blow, the force was enough to knock Link down. Zelda fired again, this time, completely missing.
"Not even close!" said Link.
"Fuck off!" snapped Zelda.
"Time to take you out, little girl!" said Ganon, who then leapt toward Zelda.
Before Zelda had a chance to reload the bow, Ganon struck her across the face with the hilt of his sword, knocking her out. Ganon readied his sword for a final blow...
"Not today, Ganon-dork!" said Link, who leapt onto Ganon's back.
"Gahhhh!" screamed Ganondorf, "Just so that you know, I would normally enjoy having a small child climb my back...But now, you're starting to piss me off!"
"That's good," said Link, who began pulling on Ganon's ears.
"OWWWW!" screamed Ganon, "You bastard!"
Ganon struggled to shake Link off. During this time, Zelda slowly recovered from her injury. Zelda slowly stood up and rubbed her cheek where Ganon struck her.
"Now I got you," said Ganon, grabbing a hold of Link.
"Oh boy," said Link.
Ganon then tossed Link over his shoulder and onto the floor. Ganon attempted to stomp on Link, but Link successfully rolled out of the way. Link quickly stood up and grabbed his sword.
"Listen, Link," began Zelda, "He's too fast..."
"The hell he is," said Link, "You're too slow."
"Shut up," snapped Zelda, "Anyways, the only way I can hit him is if I deflect the arrow off your shield. Keep him busy while I aim for your shield."
"Sounds like a good plan," said Link, "Except for the part where YOU SHOOT AT ME!"
"We have no choice," said Zelda, "Besides, when has my aim ever really been off?"
Link thought for a moment...
Yes," said Tetra, "Now, we're going to magically warp you to the Fortress!"
"No, we're gonna stuff you in a cannon and launch you there. Happy travels!"
But before Link could finish his insult, Gonzo grabbed him and shoved him head-first into a cannon.
The cannon fired, sending Link flying ass-first into a large wall of the Forsaken Fortress. Link fell to the floor, with his sword lost on a high up balcony.
"Okay," said Zelda, "Besides that."
"Yeah," said Link, "I thought so."
"Let's just do this, alright?"
"Alright. But I swear to God, if you miss my shield and hit me...I won't really be able to do much to you since I'll most probably be dead. But so help you!"
Link then ran up to Ganondorf and attempted to strike him down.
"When will you learn, boy?" asked Ganon, "I'm too strong for you! Hahaha!"
"Yo momma," said Link.
Link and Ganon battled it out for a while as Zelda, who was standing behind Ganon, loaded another arrow and prepared to take the shot. She had to wait for the right moment...
During the fight, Ganon suddenly flew up into the air and came flying down towards Link. Link held up both his sword and shield and blocked the deadly blow. The force sent both combatants flying back.
"Now!" screamed Link.
Zelda fired a light arrow straight at Link, who raised his shield at the oncoming projectile. The arrow bounced off Link's shield and flew straight towards Ganon.
"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Ganon.
The arrow impaled Ganon square in the chest. Ganon simply stood in place, with his head spinning dizzily. Just then, the theme song from Mortal Kombat began playing as the background became darker.
"FINISH HIM!" boomed Zelda.
"Hiyaaaa!" yelled Link.
Link ran towards Ganon and leapt into the air. As Link came back down, he plunged his Master Sword straight into Ganondorf's balding head. A ridiculous amount of blood and gore flew across the arena.
"Fatality..." muttered Link.
"YOU DID IT!" cried Zelda, who ran up to hug Link, "YOU DID IT! YOU ROCK!"
"You mean we rock!" said Link, "No wait...I is better."
"Hehehe..." chuckled Ganon, who had a sword stuck in his forehead.
"Still thinking of The Office?" asked Link.
"Nah," said Ganon, "Now I'm thinking of Two and a Half Men...Good stuff, good stuff."
"Yeah," agreed Link.
All of a sudden, Ganondorf transformed into stone, leaving the Master Sword stuck in his head.
"Damnit," snapped Link, "How the hell am I gonna get my sword back?"
"Let it go," said Zelda, "It's the end now."
"I know," said Link, "But my sword and I have been through so much together..."
Link then had a series of fantasies which included:
-Link running around, chopping up enemies with his sword.
-Link happily jumping around a flowery field, while swinging his Master Sword around.
-Link at a frat boy party getting drunk and chugging beer with his Master Sword.
-Link in bed with the Master Sword...
"LINK!" shouted Zelda, "LINK! SNAP OUT OF IT!"
"What?" asked Link, "What is it?"
"How the hell are we gonna out of here?" asked Zelda, "There's no way out, and this place is flooding fast!"
"We just sit back and let the current drag us along. We'll be fine.
"No! Are you kidding? We're fucked! This is the end, man! That's it, that's all! WE ARE DEEEEAAAAD! AAAAAGGGGHHH!"
Suddenly, there was a flash of light.
"Well, well, well," said Link, "Look who's back..."
"Sorry about running away," said Daphnes, "I just remembered that I, err, left the stove on."
"Sure you did," said Link, "Did you know we almost got killed by Ganonfuck over there?"
"But you beat him," said Daphnes, "So that's good, I guess."
"No shit," said Link, "We saved the world. Now how the hell are we gonna get out of here?"
"One step ahead of you," said Daphnes, "I built a couple of jetpacks for you to launch yourselves to the surface."
"Sweet!" said Link and Zelda.
"Ho, Ho, Ho," laughed Daphnes, "My bad. The jetpacks are broken at the moment. I guess I'll just provide you two with protective bubble shields, and you shall aimlessly float to the surface."
"Aw, fuck!" said Link.
"Listen, children, began Daphnes, "I am really sorry that the two of you got caught up in all of this. I refused to let go of my beloved kingdom and by keeping it down here, I've put everyone on the surface in great danger. I was bound to Hyrule, and in that sense, I am no different than Ganondorf..."
"Well," said Link, "You know what they say. Opposites attract, likes repel!"
"Another Period Monthly quote?" asked Zelda.
"Shaddup," snapped Link.
"Anyways," said Daphnes, "I am sorry for everything. Now, Hyrule will be gone forever, and I shall drown with it."
"Hey, man," said Link, "Don't sweat it. It was fun travelling with you and...Wait, what? You wanna drown with Hyrule?"
"Aren't you coming with us?" asked Zelda.
"Hell no," said Daphnes, "If there was one things Ganon was right about, it's that who the hell would wanna live on a bunch of tiny, scattered islands?"
Link and Zelda frowned.
"No, seriously though," said Daphnes, "That's your kingdom now. I have no business going there. Ima just kick back, relax and die a slow, horrible death here. Have fun!"
"Sweet!" said Link, "I will!"
The two then high-fived.
All of a sudden, the barrier that protected Hyrule completely shattered and water began pouring in faster than ever. The entire kingdom was flooded in a few seconds. Link and Zelda found themselves in protected bubbles. Link and Zelda slowly began floating to the surface. Link desperately held out his hand, but Daphnes merely turned his back. That was the last Link and Zelda ever saw of Daphnes.
"Link!" said Tetra, "Link! Wake up!"
"No, Grandma," muttered Link, "I didn't eat the last cookie. Aryll did..."
"Link, you idiot! Get up!"
"Huh?" asked Link, "Where am I? And why are you dressed like a smelly pirate again?"
"I guess the magic wore off when we arrived at the surface," said Tetra, "No more princess outfit for me."
"Aw," said Link, "You were much hotter before."
Link then looked around. He and Tetra were on a boat.
"Welcome," said the leader of Salvage Corp, "To the S.S. Waverider!"
"Hi!" said the others.
"You again?" asked Link.
"Yup," said the leader, "My boys and I found you and your girlfriend drifting in the sea and so we pulled you on deck using our treasure crane! Good think we were passing by at the time, or you could've been eaten by Gyorgs!"
"Phew," said the other Salvage Corp. members.
"Good to know you're okay," said the leader.
"Hey," said Link, "Is this the new boat you guys bought?"
"Yup," said the leader, "With all those rupees you gave us. Isn't it sweet?"
"Sweeeeeet..." said the others.
"We've already caught quite a few treasures with it! Would you like..."
"NO!" interrupted Link, "Not interested!"
"Awwww," said the leader.
"Awwww," said the others.
"Hey Link," said Tetra, "Look!"
In the distance, Link saw a large ship approaching. He immediately recognized it as Tetra's pirate ship.
"Egad!" said the leader, "Pirates! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"
He then jumped into the sea.
"Eek!" said the others, who all jumped into the water as well.
When the ship got close, Link and Tetra could see all the people on board, including Tetra's pirates and Aryll, who was wearing a purple skull dress and had a Mohawk hairdo.
"What the fuck?" snapped Link, "Aryll, what in God's name did you do to your hair?"
"Like it?" she asked, "Mako's such an awesome barber. Now, I look cooler than you! Hee-hee!"
"NO!" yelled Link, "You like a douche with that hair, and you better have that thing removed, or so help you God!"
"Shut up, Big Brother," said Aryll, "You can't tell me what to do! Which reminds me, I want my telescope back, dumbass! "
"I sold it for smack a few months ago."
"Fuck you, Big Brother, you always lose my stuff!"
"Is this how you repay someone who saved your life? By insulting them?"
"Only if the person who saved my life happens to be the biggest fuck-up to ever walk the face this planet!"
"That's it; wait till I come up there! If you're so ungrateful to be alive, I'll kill you myself right here, right now!"
Tetra rubbed her forehead.
"Gonzo," she said, "Please just toss us the rope so we can get on. I'm getting a headache."
There was no answer.
"Gonzo?" said Tetra, "Yoo-hoo, Gonzo!"
Meanwhile, Gonzo was below decks with Quill, the transvestite postman. They were sitting together on Tetra's bed.
"So baby," said Gonzo, "Does deliverin' the mail ever get tough?"
"You do realize," began Quill, "That I'm not actually a..."
"Shhh..." said Gonzo, putting a finger to Quill's mouth, "Don's talk baby. As long as you don't say anything, we can just pretend."
Gonzo then slowly closed the bedroom door...
Later, back on Outset Island, Link and Aryll had a heartfelt reunion with all the friends and family they had left behind on their epic journey.
"Oh, Link," said Grandma, "It's so wonderful to see you again. I'm so glad you're okay!"
"Yup," said Link, "Thanks for all your support!"
"And you brought a friend," said Grandma, "What's your name, dear?"
"Um, Grandma..." began Link, "That's Aryll."
Grandma simply stared at Link.
"Aryll," repeated Link, "Your granddaughter...The one who's been missing for over a year!"
"Oh," said Grandma, "Nice to see you again! I hope you're alright."
"Don't worry about me, Grandma," said Aryll, "I'm fine!"
"Bitchin' hairdo, by the way," said Grandma.
Link rolled his eyes.
"Link!" said Orca, who was surrounded by his entourage of Chu-chus, "You're alright! I see all my sword training has helped you greatly!"
"Yeah, sure," said Link, "Helped..."
"Come on Link," said Tetra, "We gotta start our new epic journey now."
"Already?" said Link, "Geez! I just got back! At least let me 'unwind' if you know what I mean!"
"Forget it," said Tetra, "There are islands to be explored, enemies to be fought and...Aw fuck it! We'll leave tomorrow!"
"Yeah!" said Link, "It's party time!"
Everyone cheered and began dancing. All of a sudden, Sturgeon came out of nowhere and whacked Link on the head with his cane, knocking Link to the floor.
"Hahahahaha," laughed Sturgeon, "I told ya I'd get ya, boy! You can't hide from me! Hehehehehe!"
"Goddamnit," grumbled Link.
The Living End...