-1Sasuke trudged along though the mountains of the Sound country. He didn't know how or why, but he knew the way to Orochimaru.

He guessed it had something to do with the seal.

He grunted as he stepped over a log in his path. He was close, he just knew it. He could see light coming from over the next hill. That had to be Orochimaru's base. He hoped the Sannin wouldn't mind his other minions all dying, but what could he do. The wimps died in fights with the Kohona wimps.

I almost did too. he thought grimly, remembering the monstrous power Naruto possessed. With the Sharingan, the most powerful bloodline of all, and Orochimaru's cursed seal, which could make an average person more powerful that most jounin, Sasuke had barely beat his friend.

And what was worse, he saw with his Sharingan that Naruto had a huge supply of the red chakra that he hadn't yet accessed.

I have to keep getting stronger. thought Sasuke, walking over the last hill. He looked down on a small building which was half ruined. He could sense Orochimaru's chakra deep within, as well as that of someone else. He walked tiredly towards the entrance. He was mere yards from the door when he realized something was wrong. He drew a kunai as a number of lights lit up around him.

" Welcome…to the hotel Orochimaru" sung a sad voice as a mournful guitar played in the background. As Sasuke stared in shock large neon sign's reading 'Welcome Sasuke-kun!' and the like lit up around him. " we have everything you neeeeeeed…." continued to voice.

What…the hell? thought Sasuke, looking around. The song continued as the smiling Orochimaru appeared next to him, wearing naught but a bathrobe with a purple belt. The door opened at the silver haired boy he recognized as Kabuto emerged wearing a pink apron and holding a tray of cookie.

" Sasuke-kun!" said Orochimaru in a girly voice, hugging the stunned and disgusted Uchiha.

" I hope your hungry, sweetie!" said Kabuto, walking over and holding up the cookies. " I've baked your favorite, chocolate chip and peanut butter!"

" Is this some type of test?" said Sasuke before squeaking as Orochimaru squeezed his arm appraisingly.

" No, Sasuke-kun!" said Orochimaru sappily. " This is how we do things! Let's head in before we catch cold." said the Snake Sannin, ushering Sasuke towards the door. " Oh, and do have a few of Kabuto-chan's cookies, will you? He worked so hard on them."

" I…"

Suddenly, Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared before him, giving him puppy eyes.

" Don't you like my cookies?" asked Kabuto, tears in his eyes.

" Don't you like Kabuto-chan?" asked Orochimaru, sniffling sadly.

Sasuke didn't know how to react, so he took a cookie and chomped down on it. While it was warm and crunchy, and would otherwise have been quite enjoyable, it just wasn't the time for that.

" Yaaaaaay!" cheered Kabuto and Orochimaru, doing a little dance before continuing to push Sasuke into the lair.

" Where are we going?" asked Sasuke helplessly.

" To get you out of those clothes!" squealed Orochimaru with a blush.

After a brief scuffle Kabuto explained that Orochimaru had meant Sasuke needed a new uniform, and they had seen to that. Besides being good at cutting up and sewing together bodies, Kabuto was a skilled seamstress and had made Sasuke an awesome new outfit in only two hours.

It would have gone quicker, but Kabuto burst out in giggles every time he measured Sasuke's inseam.

Finally, however, Sasuke was led to his room. He was tired and cranky, so sleep was just what he wanted.

" Oro-kun! What are you doing!"

" You know…giggle…"

" Oh, Oro-kun!"

Sasuke's eyes were now wide. Rather peculiar sounds were carrying though the heat register from the next room, where he now presumed that Orochimaru and Kabuto were engaging in something he really would never had imagined them doing.

He tried to blot it out by covering his ears, but it didn't work. Soon a rhythmic bumping noise was coming from the wall.

" Do you …think we should invite Sasuke-kun?"

" I don't see…ooh… why not, Oro-kun. I spiked the cookies with Viagra."

" Oh, Kabtuo-chan, your so…erg…thoughtful!"

Sasuke was now clawing at the door hopelessly. It was locked and quite secure. The sounds from next door ceased and he heard giggling in the hall. He raced to his bed and dove in, pretending to be asleep. He heard the door creak open slightly.

" Aw, how cute." whispered Orochimaru with a slight giggle. " He's tired from playing with his widdle blonde friend and fell asleep."

" You just want to bottle him up, don't you?" said an adoring Kabuto.

" Well, we'll have to try again tomorrow." said Orochimaru, closing the door. " I'm sure he'll do better when he's rested up a little bit."

Sasuke knew, as the sounds began again, he would be getting little sleep that night.

His only consolations were that he had to get better than his brother and needed Orochimaru's help and that no matter how bad Orochimaru was, that perv who was going to train Naruto had to be worse.


" Really, Ero-sensei?"

" Yep. I think you can handle it." said Jiraiya, handing the cup of sake to Naruto. On their way to train they had stopped and a bar, and Jiraiya decided he needed to Man Up Naruto a little bit. Naruto took the alcahol and took a drink, nearly spitting is out as he felt the burn.

" It gets better." said Jiraiya, slapping Naruto on the back. " Hey, now, theres something else we've got to do here."

" W-what, Ero-sensei?" asked Naruto, taking another drink.

" See that girl in the corner?" said Jiraiya, pointing to a gorgeous twenty-something woman. " I think your just her type. Go give it a shot."

" Really?" said Naruto, eyes wide.

" Sure." said Jiraiya, giving Naruto a little push. Jiraiya, like any pervert with a spy network, had been able to find a hooker willing to put Naruto though his paces on short notice. Naruto took another gulp and walked over to the woman, wobbling slightly. She nodded to Jiraiya as she led the boy upstairs. Jiraiya smiled, glad he was able to help Naruto out.

Okay, maybe the old perv wouldn't be too bad. thought Sasuke, sighing as Kabuto began to squeal happily next door. But Sakura has to be worse off than me. That old lady is a psycho.

" Wow." said Sakura, wide eyed. She googled the photo for a moment before handing it back to Tsunade, who was lounging besides her by the side of the pool.

" Yep. Kohona's finest." said Tsunade with a sigh. They were looking over the medical files for a number of handsome male ninja during their break from relaxing at the spa. " Hey, check it out. Fabian's back." said Tsunade, waving to the muscular masseuse she and her pupil favored.

" Ooh! Over here!" said Sakura giddily. " I think I have some tension in my back muscles!"

Besides being pretty, Fabian was a excellent masseuse…and they were paying for it with the villages taxes, so why not spare no expense?

No, no Sasuke, you probably are the worst off. he thought with a sigh. He resigned himself to his fate and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

And finding that Orochimaru had pained a nude picture of Itachi posing suggestively on it.

" You can check in any time you want, but you can never leave!" sung the last line of the song as Sasuke burst into tears.