In the show, if you remember, Herr Flick invites Helga to come with him to the Gestapo club in Berlin. Since there's nothing in the show about it I thought of writing a story about it... It may be a little long, but that's cause I'm new here and I still can't figure how to put things in chapters...
Disclaimer: I do not own the show or any of these characters, it's made for fun.
Ze Gestapo Club
"Do you have your bag packed for out visit to Berlin Helga?"
"Yes Herr Flick, I have everything I need including the suit you bought me from your Gestapo party-fonds."
"Good. We shall be leaving soon. I hope you remember the traditional Gestapo dance we shall dance together at midnight at the Gestapo club."
"Of course I do, I have been practicing it."
"But to be sure we shall dance it few more times when we get to Berlin in our apartment."
After Herr Flick invited Helga to come with him to the Gestapo club in Berlin, the time has come to leave Nouvion and head for Germany. Von Smallhausen entered Flick's headquarters.
"I am here just as you ordered Herr Flick."
"Von Smallhausen I am putting you in charge of the Nouvion Gestapo while I am away. I hope you shall lead it as well as I am."
"Yes Herr Flick."
"And do not do anything to make me angry or I shall…"
Von Smallhausen cut into his sentence – "I know Herr Flick. You will hit me on the head with your walking stick."
"Do not be a smartass with me again Von Smallhausen!" – he hits him with his walking stick
"I am sorry Herr Flick."
"Now, these are my secret Gestapo headquarter keys and my secret Gestapo disguise cabinet keys." – he hands them over
"Do I get your secret draw keys as well?"
"No and do not try to open it! If you do, something very nasty shall happen. Take our bags and bring them to my staff car. Helga!"
"Yes Herr Flick?"
"Let us go."
The two bags Von Smallhausen carried were very heavy and he kept tripping on the way to the car. When he brought them, he exhaled in relief.
"Take very good care of my headquarters."
"Yes Herr Flick. Do I get a goodbye kiss?"
"I meant from Helga."
"That does not change anything, but you shall get this for goodbye..." – he hits Von Smallhausen again
They get into the car and Herr Flick starts it.
"Remember what I told you and have no mercy. Goodbye Von Smallhausen."
"Good bye Herr Flick, Helga"
When they were out of sight Von Smallhausen started jumping and dancing around singing:
"I am in charge, I am in charge!"
"We are finally here Helga."
"Oh my, what an astonishing room."
It was just a hall of a very well and dark decorated apartment. It looked most expensive and everything was shiny, the statues, the vases, the paintings, just everything.
"Of course. Uncle Heini lend me this apartment because he did not need it and we are staying for only six days. The Gestapo club event shall take place in four days. In the meantime we can enjoy ourselves here in Berlin."
Someone knocked at the door.
"Ah, that will be our servant. Enter."
Flick told him to carry their bags to their rooms.
"Herr Flick, there is only one big room here and in it there is only one big double bed. How will we sleep?"
"Hm, this does not come to me as a surprise. Uncle Heini always preferred big beds."
"Unlike you…" - she said in a silent voice
"What was that Helga?"
"I said I can see it's true."
"We shall have to sleep in the same bed. Do you have anything against that."
"No, not at all." – she barely managed to suppress her smile
"I hope Von Smallhausen is doing well. He is after all Von Smallhausen."
"I'm sure he is doing well Herr Flick. He did learn from you."
"That is correct."
Helga yawns - "Are you not tired from the trip?"
"Yes, I am very tired and it is evening. We should have dinner and then go to sleep."
"And hopefully have nookie."
"What was that Helga?"
"I said I would like to have a cookie."
"It's so nice to be back in homeland, to hear people speaking German."
"You are right Helga. I got peasant-sick back there. They are so annoying, always so scared and boring. Always saying: Do not shoot me, I do not know anything. They are lying of course. I believe more than half of peasants are working for the resistance."
"I think you're right about that Herr Flick. Why else would they be so scared of the Gestapo?"
It was a cloudy day in Berlin; the rain could start at any moment. They were sitting in a Café drinking coffee.
"Still I am not sure it was a good idea to put Von Smallhausen in charge. He is a Bavarian twit."
"Don't think about that now Herr Flick. You have already put him in charge and I'm sure you taught him well. And he knows that if he messes up, he will be punished. I think having a treat like that hanging over von Smallhausen will prevent him from doing anything stupid."
"Yes, that is correct. I hope he shall make progress in finding the painting of the Fallen Madonna which I intend to sell."
"Yes Herr Flick."
He suddenly started to look very pensive - "Now, I told you once why I am telling you about my Fallen Madonna plan."
Helga was getting nervous because she knew what subject he would bring up; the marriage. She didn't want to talk about that and decided to come up with some silly excuse in order to prevent having that conversation.
"I told you about it because…"
Helga cut into his sentence - "Oh my, look at the time. I'm sorry Herr Flick, but I have an appointment with a friend of mine. I have not seen her for a long time and we decided to meet today. She is probably already waiting for me."
She stood up and grabbed her handbag. Flick was confused.
"But Helga, I have to..."
"I'm sorry, but I must not be late. Goodbye Herr Flick."
She walked out of the Café leaving Flick alone.
"Phew, that was close…"- she thought.
A temporary secretary of colonel von Strohm was fixing the typing machine when von Smallhausen entered her office.
"Good morning. Do you have an appointment?"
"I am Von Smallhausen, temporary the head of the Nouvion Gestapo."
"The head of the Nouvion Gestapo. Oh, how thrilling."
"And what is your name dear?"
"My name is Olga Wildbett. I am a temporary replacement of private Geerhart."
She had brown hair, big blue eyes and was small, just like von Smallhausen. The glasses she wore were making her eyes look even bigger than they were.
"You are very pretty."
"Thank you Herr Von Smallhausen"
"Would you like to go on a dinner with me Frau Wildbett?"
"With the head of the Gestapo, how could I refuse?"
"Good, then it's a date. Announce me now."
"Yes Herr von Smallhausen."
She stepped into the colonel's office and announced him.
"Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo!"
He limped into his office and greeted the colonel and the captain. As Olga was closing the door she winked at Von Smallhausen what caused very suspicious look exchanges between Kurt and Hans.
"Herr von Smallhausen, what are you doing here? Did Herr Flick send you?"
"Have you any new information about the painting of the Fallen Madonna?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm telling that information only to the head of the Gestapo, Herr Flick!"
"And why is that?"
"Because that is a classified information."
"So you are saying you won't corporate with me?"
"Not with you, no."
"As you wish, but I must warn you; Herr Flick has gone to Berlin and he has put me as the head of the Nouvion Gestapo!"
"Put you as the head of the Gestapo? Nonsense! Herr Flick would never do such a thing."
"You do not believe me? Then I shall have to prove it to you…" – and he walks out of his office
"Von Smallhausen as the head of the Gestapo. Hans, have you ever heard anything so silly?"
"No, I haven't. It is a very good joke, but I don't think that the Gestapo is that desperate."
Von Smallhausen storms into the office with four other German soldiers - "Arrest the Colonel and his assistant for interrogation!"
"Or maybe they are…"
The colonel and Hans were again held poisoned in Herr Flick's dungeon in the same cell.
"We're spending quite a lot of time in here lately. Maybe we should put this cell as our second address."
"Ha ha, very funny Hans. What do you suppose Von Smallhausen will do to us?"
"I'm afraid even to think about it. He is a nasty little character."
"This is all the fault of that idiot Herr Flick! Who would put Von Smallhausen in charge?"
Von Smallhausen limps in to the dungeon and starts talking to them in a very quiet and scary voice.
"Do you want to tell me now what do you know about the painting?"
"How do we know that you are really the head of the Gestapo?"
"Still not convinced?"
"I am." – Hans said raising his hand up
"Hans! No, we are not! You cannot do this to us! General Von Klinkerhoffen will be here just as last time!"
"He will not."
"How do you know?"
"Let's say he's too busy dealing with a flying helmet and the wet celery."
"Oh no, he isn't!"
"Oh yes, he is! Now, do you want to talk or I should put you on the rack?"
"WE'LL TALK!" – Hans yelled
The colonel have him a bad look, but Hans did the same thing to him.
"If you want to be on a rack go ahead, but I prefer getting out of this place."
"Fine Hans, we'll talk. You're such a baby. Herr Von Smallhausen…"
"We don't know anything."
"You don't know anything?? What sort of a classified information is that??"
"Pathetic." – said Hans
After he interrogated them, he released them and sat in Herr Flick's Gestapo chair.
A solider entered, now, Von Smallhausen's quarters.
"You have a telegram from Berlin."
"Good. You may go."
He starts reading it;
I hope everything is in order there and I hope that I will not get a heart attack after I return. Try to find every single information about the Fallen Madonna because we need to find it as soon as possible otherwise uncle Heini will be very angry at us. Not to mention our plan…
Everything is excellent here and we are having a great time. It is good to get out of a peasant environment. There is however one thing that concerns me. Helga is constantly talking about cookies. I bought her a box of chocolate cookies, but she seems not to want to eat them. I wonder what is with that?
Anyway, time to go now.
You better be doing a good job over there or else…
The time has finally come to go to the Gestapo club. Helga was wearing the suit Herr Flick bought for her. It turned out very well because of Flick's threats to the tailor. She was in the living room when he suddenly peeped around the corner (he was still getting dressed) of a room next to the living, to see Helga.
"You look very nice in that suit Helga."
"Thank you Herr Flick."
"My treats worked very well. I told you that I could not take you to the Gestapo club looking any old how."
Helga rolled her eyes – "I know Herr Flick."
Herr Flick finally revealed himself; he was wearing a black Gestapo uniform with a matching black Gestapo hat.
"My, my, you look most handsome Herr Flick. That uniform looks perfect on you and it makes you look even more sinister and irresistibly attractive."
"I know." – he smiled devilishly – "It is time to go now."
When they finally arrived Helga was impressed by the greatness of it. It was dark decorated, black colour was the theme, but it was also very fancy. There was a banquet, just as Herr Flick said, with the traditional baron of beef, frankfurters, strudel, sauerkraut and other things. The place was full of big noises. When Herr Flick saw his godfather he told Helga to wait for him.
"Ah, Otto, my godson. How are you?"
"Good uncle. And you?"
"Same old, same old. Winning here, winning there, creating the Germanic world, the world of Nordic life. I saw you came with a woman of the opposite sex. Who is she?"
"Her name is Helga, she is my partner and she is also my informant at Nouvion."
"I seriously hope she is just your informant and nothing more Otto. Look at her; she is that type of woman who has beauty and smart. I can see that. Who knows if she's doing things behind your back! If she is something more you must end it at once, you understand."
Flick was taken by a surprise because he didn't expect his uncle's immediate reaction to Helga.
"Yes uncle, do not worry, she is only my informant and nothing more."
"Introduce me to her."
Herr Flick walked to Helga and then whispered to her – "Say nothing about our relationship to my uncle."
"Why is that Herr Flick?"
"I have no time to explain, just keep quiet. If he asks you are only my informant."
She walked to Flick's uncle and greeted him with Heil Hitler.
"Ah, so you are my godson's informant and as I hear a very good one."
"Yes Herr Himmler. It is such an honour to meet you."
When he said that she immediately realised from where Flick has that "I know" thing.
And so they talked, ate and amused themselves.
"Are you enjoying yourself Helga?"
"Yes, very much Herr Flick, but may I ask why can't your godfather know about…"
Flick immediately put his hand over her mouth and she looked at him strangely.
"I cannot talk about that now so please do not mention that subject at any time tonight." – and he removed his hand
"No Herr Flick, I won't."
Suddenly the clock announced, with its banging, midnight.
"Ah, midnight. Come Helga, let us do it."
Helga looked at Flick quite shocked and surprised.
"The annual Gestapo dance Helga."
"Ah the dance..."
And so everyone got a partner. The whole time Flick tried to act as Helga was nothing more than an informant and a partner for the dance. She was getting quite annoyed with that fact, but she did the same thing. The dance started…
"You put your left boot in, you take your left boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Heil! Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler..."
and so on it went…
At the end of it, almost everyone was drunk from the traditional beer, including Herr Flick. He was completely out of balance and Helga ran after him the whole time because she feared he might crash somewhere. He was flying around the place, better to say limped around the place, because he found Helga chasing him around the club "zehry amusing".
"Herr Flick! Herr Flick it is time to go!"
"First you must catch me!"
"Herr Flick we don't have time for this!"
He was really fast for a limping Gestapo officer.
"Ha, ha! You are very slow Helga!" – he teased her not looking where he goes
"HERR FLICK WATCH OUT!"
Flick crashed into a wall and then fell on the floor.
"Herr Flick are you alright?"
"You are right, it is time to go now… but you are still very slow!"
Helga helped him to get up and led him to his uncle. She did all the talking and allowed Flick just to say: "Goodbye Uncleee Heiniii."
Then she almost carried him to his staff car and placed him in it.
"I will drive!"
"Yes, that is a very good idea Helga. When are you going to take off your uniform?"
"Herr Flick I think you had a little too much to drink tonight."
"But you must not say anything to my uncle about you taking off your uniform."
"This is going to be a long night…" – Helga rolled her eyes
When they came, Helga almost carried him again to their apartment. She told him to stand still just for a second so she could close the door. As soon as she let go of him, he got out of balance and his attempt to grab on to something failed and…
… he fell on the floor again. Helga looked at him and then started laughing.
"Yes Herr Flick?"
"Need a little help…"
"Ah, so I see... I won't be having any cookies tonight…"
"You are constantly talking about cookies Helga… Cookie… Cooooookie… Ha, ha, what an amusing word. Do you know what rhymes with cookie?"
"What is that Herr Flick?"
"You don't say!" – she said sarcastically
"Ha, ha, cookie-nookie! Oh dear, how amusing!"
After she helped him to get into the bed she went to change in her nightdress. Helga could hear Flick saying: "Aaah, now I get it… Nookie not cookie…" and then busting into laughter. She slowly banged her head against the door and said:
"He doesn't get it when he's normal, but give him a little beer and he'll get everything. I should get him drunk more often..."
Herr Flick was the entire morning in the bed while Helga was packing their bags.
"How are you feeling Herr Flick?"
"Not very good, my head is killing me. Do you have any painkillers?"
"Yes I do. I carry them always with me in case of an emergency."
"Well done. Give them to me with a glass of water."
"Yes Herr Flick."
After he drank it, he realized he could not remember very well last night events.
"Helga, when did we leave the club?"
"Immediately after you crashed into a wall?"
"… I crashed into a wall? When did I do that?"
"After you made me chase you around the club."
"You chased me around the club? Why did you do that?"
"I was worried you might crash somewhere, but you were too occupied with teasing me and you didn't watch where you were going and that's how you had a rendezvous with the wall."
"Hm, I am not able to remember that. When I think about it, the last thing I remember is performing the Gestapo dance"
"That is because after the dance you got drunk from all the beer."
"I see. Remind me never to get drunk again."
"Yes Herr Flick."
"Hmmm, how did I end up in the bed…" – Flick looks under the bed sheet – "wearing almost nothing except my black Gestapo underwear?"
Helga got a little worried, but quickly came up with an answer.
"I don't know Herr Flick. I just carried you to the bed, but you probably got out of your clothes yourself."
"Yes, I probably have."
She exhaled in relief.
"I am a little hungry. Is there anything to eat?"
"There are some cookies."
As soon as she mentioned cookies he remembered "some" last night events.
Von Smallhausen was with Olga on a dinner at Cafe Rene in the back room.
"So my dear, are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yes Herr Von Smallhausen. It is very nice here."
"I thought you would like it."
"Herr von Smallhausen, I have something to tell you. You know I am only a temporary secretary and as soon as private Geerhart returns, I'll have to go back to where I was before. I feel terrible about it now when I made friends and when I met you."
"You don't have to tell me about that feeling. I too will be back to my old position when Herr Flick returns... or..."
… Herr Flick and Helga return from their trip and find Von Smallhausen having the whole town under his control. They see that everybody fears Von Smallhausen even the Germans. Von Smallhausen sits on Flick's chair and orders two guards to bring Herr Flick inside. When they do they tie him up. Von Smallhausen is about to interrogate him when the phone rings... "Ah, my dear friend Heinrich. How are you? … Yes I have everything under control just as you ordered and Otto is here at the moment. I was just preparing to interrogate him… Yes, I'll teach him a lesson. Goodbye."
When he hangs up private Olga enters the room and Von Smallhausen orders her to kiss him. After they finish he turns to Flick and tells him: "And this is how it's done." Then Olga informs von Smallhausen that she has put Helga away and that their plan for getting the painting worked. Von Smallhausen knocks Flick off with a truncheon and flees with Olga…
Suddenly Von Smallhausen awakens from his daydream.
"Ah, that would be so nice…"
"What would be so nice Herr Von Smallhausen?"
"Nevermind Olga, nevermind."
In the meanwhile…
"Where is she, we must be going?" – Flick was pacing in the room in his uniform
"I am here Herr Flick."
Helga entered the room and started taking off her uniform.
"What are you doing Helga? We must be leaving?"
"There's time for that Herr Flick. We still have three hours."
"Yes, but our bags are not packed yet and I need to…"
She was already in her underwear, standing very close to him. By every move she was closing her face to his.
"I need to… I need to…"
She put her hand on his face and kissed him, but he returned it and all of a sudden they were kissing in French style. After the kiss, Flick finally managed to say:
"I need to fell unconscious." – and fell on the floor…
She awoke from her daydream. They were in the car, driving to Nouvion.
"Yes Herr Flick?"
"Is everything allright? You seemed like you got a little lost."
"Yes, everything's allright Herr Flick. I was just thinking about the situation we will find when we return, since von Smallhausen is in charge."
"I was thinking about the same thing as you. It would seem that we share the same thoughts."
She paused for a moment raising her eyebrow.
"Right… I think I'll nod off a little."
"Do that, you will need your energy."
Helga got excited - "For what Herr Flick?"
"For getting back to work."
"If this continues I think I'll need the energy for my daydreams…"
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