I present to you the list of "50 ways to piss of Dracula" a writing collaboration between Remember and Roux Barcelone.

We have put this together during the wee hours of the night at Rems place and the not so wee hours of the morning at my place and she kindly permitted me to upload it on my account. Please keep in mind that the credit goes to her as well.

Disclaimer: We do not own the Van Helsing characters or Count Dracula. However the list of ideas has sprung from our mind so we do hold rights to each one of the 50 ways to... Please ask if you'd like to use them, ok? We are not going to bite your head off, but we want to know and give our consent and of course would like to be creditet. Thank you.

And now, enjoy!


Update 27th November 2015:

A fellow author of this site, Qoheleth, pointed out to me that the original title (displayed below) was not up to K rating standards. According to the guidelines of this archive one of the General rules reads: "Entry title and summary must be rated K for all audience. No exceptions." He was right of course, I had completely overlooked this in 2008 when the story was first posted, and that's why the official title was changed today to 50 Ways to Make Dracula's Blood Boil

The suggestion of the new title was also one made by this fellow author who pointed out the ironic quality...and that's why it was readily used. Thank you Qoheleth for helping me clean this up.


50 ways to piss off Dracula


Remember and Roux Barcelone

1. Ridiculous dialogue (VH in 15m style)

2. Be a hardcore feminist and refuse to submit to him and his narcissistic ways.

3. Talk about Van Helsing for hours on end and how you think he's sexy, how you love his tight pants and long trench coat, or his furry abs when he's a werewolf…

4. Talk about Velkan for hours on end, about his sexy muscular body, his "gymnast" skills, how hot he looks when he's sweaty, and his legs… (I love his legs… I know, I'm weird)...

5. Insult his ponytail and tell him it makes him look like a girl.

6. After sex, when he asks how it was, say "I've had better."

7. Dump ice cold water on him after the ice around him in his coffin magically melts away.

8. Refer to his "family jewels" as "Draccie Jr."

9. Keep calling him "Gabriel" when you're sharing an intimate moment.

10. Insult his masculinity.

11. Call him "drama queen"

12. Tug on his pony tail and say "choo choo!" like a train.

13. Look at his earrings and tell him that gold is soooo out of fashion. And while you are at it tell him that pink polo shirts have replaced the black military look.

14. Hang around him all day whining that you want children. When he wants to make some tell him you have migraine.

15. Tell him that Gabriel is much better looking and all that left hand of god stuff just adds to his charms. Who likes bad guys anyway?

16. Tell him that Gabriel is a better kisser… why do you think Anna left you for him anyway?

17. Compare him to Gabriel Van Helsing.

18. Tell him of course he can stay overnight but also tell him that you have a sweet little pet werewolf (of about 500 pounds of weight and razor sharp teeth) that sleeps in your bed, too.

19. Tell him that the dark Goth interior is so out of fashion and get him the new book of Martha Stewart ...or design his bedroom in frilly pink or baby blue.

20. Ask him if he's emo and do so with a dead serious expression.

21. When he inquires "why" to the above question, reply: "you dress in all black, your hair is black, you're pastey white... you have fangs... you're always depressed/frustrated with life, you're "at war with the world and every living soul in it", and with three gorgeous/slutty women, you're still not satisfied...are you gay too?"

22. Present him with a gift coupon for anger management classes.

23. Take his brides shopping… with his credit card in Paris, London, AND New York… and Milano…

24. Hide the condoms.

25. Tell Aleera that he has told you that he thinks her the most beautiful of them all and that he wants her around him 24/7 but cant express his feelings himself.

26. Then tell the other two brides that he has told you this (25). Stay back to watch the fireworks.

27. Make him watch the five hour version of Pride and Prejudice, and every time Mr. Darcy does something, say "why can't you do that?"… or better yet. Make him read the whole book out loud, in one sitting…. Then follow up with the 5 other Austen books and compare him to the heroes.

28. Replace his attire for the next masquerade ball...and be sure that it's the only one in range...when he comes out in his Robin Hood attire (tights and all) tell him that green compliments his features.

29. Put him through therapy (or marriage counseling… brides included).

30. Get him to sincerely apologize for something, have it recorded, and post it on YouTube.

31. Wear a chastity belt and in the heat of the moment, tell him you lost the key.

32. Tattoo and lightning bolt scar to his forehead and call him "Harry Potter".

33. Apply some make up to his face while he is sleeping: pink lipstick and bright green eye shadow. Varnish his nails in pink, too.

34. Paint his coffin HOT PINK, stuff it with teddy bears, decorate it w/ glitter so when he lays down and gets up, he's covered in it… add some ribbons and lace, and don't forget the cuddly pink blanket!

35. Always make baby/kitten noises when he's near you (dootsy dootsy doo)

36. Give him a pet name (i.e. Vladdy-kins, Draccie poo, Count Chocula, etc)

37. Create a bonfire out of Frankenstein's notes and the wooden parts of the machines and invite him in for a marshmallow session.

38. Eat Pasta with MUCH garlic and then be all over him for the whole day begging him to kiss you.

39. After a session of steamy lovemaking tell him that you think he put on weight as he almost smothered you. Let's make a diet plan for him.

40. Whine about how the castle doesn't have electricity. If he tells you that it is too expensive to get electrical energy whine some more.

41. When he finally succumbs buy a home cinema equipment (with HIS credit card) and force him to watch with you "Gone with the wind" and "Love story" a whole night.

42. Sob into his shirt while watching those movies.

43. Lead guided tours through Castle Dracula and the Vilcova palace and force him to give autographs. Give the earned money to the Roman Holy Order as collect.

44. Coax him into cuddling with you while listening to love songs. Just cuddling no further touching.

45. While you are at it tell him that you cheated on him with Carl.

46. Replace his extensive collection of classical CD's with the new ones from Britney Spears.

47. Tell him how handsome you find bald men. Shave his head bald while he is sleeping.

48. Go with him to the theme park and ride the ghost train and the rollercoaster. Scream into his ear through the whole ride.

49. Get bunches of cute kittens and let them run free at Vilcova.

50. Watch with him the movie "Dracula" with Bela Lugosi and tell him how the actor is more in character than him.

Which one is your favourite? ;D