"Glass breaks because it is fragile.
You don't blame the glass for breaking.
A heart breaks because it is fragile.
So why blame the heart for breaking?
Why blame me?"
It's not my fault that my heart is breaking.
It's not my fault that I'm starting to feel.
It's not my fault that I didn't obey the rules.
It's not my fault that I ran away from my responsibilities.
It's not my fault that I fight for my comrades.
It's not my fault that I tried to protect her.
It's not my fault that I cared for her.
It's not my fault that my heart is fragile.
It's not my fault that I loved her…
"Lavi. How many times do I have to remind you? Keep out of the war. Your only responsibilities are to become my successor." Bookman reprimanded me. "Do you think you're an exorcist now? Don't forget your goal Lavi. You are a bookman."
"Don't forget, Lavi..."
Bookman's words echoed in my mind, those words that I dread.
Damn it! Damn that old Panda!
I slammed my fist on the table, startling awake the sleeping beauty beside me.
"Lavi? Is anything wrong? Is something bothering you?"
"Ah. No. Oh it's nothing. Sorry for waking you up, Lenalee chan." I replied.
"Sigh… Say Lavi. You're still a very bad liar. The word "troubled" is written all over you're face. Come on, spit it out. You'll feel much better if you let it all out." She says, a smile forming on her face.
I smile back. She cares for me.
Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking.
The sweet sister of Komui Lee cares for everybody, sometimes even more than she cares for herself.
"Yea." I tell her coolly. "I am troubled about something."
"What is it? Are you worried about your hammer breaking?" she asks. "Don't worry. Oniisan will fix it in no time. Chill-lax, okay?"
"Chill-lax? What's that? Nothing I know of in all the different languages of the world."
"Aha! It's a new word. It means to chill and relax at the same time!"
I laugh at Lenalee creating a new word by joining the two words 'chill' and 'relax' together. This girl sure knows how to make people feel better.
"Nah. I'm not worried about my hammer. That's nothing. I'm just…" I hesitate. The three dreaded words ringing in my ears again. "Don't forget, Lavi…"
This is my chance to tell her how I feel. Opportunity doesn't knock twice. I push back everything else into the back of my mind.
"Lenalee." I say. I reach out and hold her hand in mine. "Eh?" Lenalee looks at me, surprised at my sudden seriousness. I take a deep breath and continue.
"Lenalee, I care for you. And it hurts me to see you get hurt. You fall, but you never give up and stand up again." I say, from the bottom of my heart. I wondered if I sounded too mushy. "I just want you to know that I will always be there for you. No matter what, I will stand by your side. Protecting you… Loving you always."
I bend forward and kiss her.
"La…Lavi." She stutters when we come apart.
All my responsibilities as a bookman didn't matter anymore, so as long as I had her with me.
It's not my fault that I am who I am.
I am more that just someone who views and record history.
I am a human with feelings.
I am an exorcist.
I am Lavi.