Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or in fact anything that could actually earn me some money.
Warning: Seifer meltdown is about to occur - he did say that he worried about EVERYTHING when he first started the journal after all…
Well, last night we got off the train, went to the hotel and ate dinner and then went to our separate rooms. Thank Hyne we will reach our first destination soon and then we will have company. I stick by what I have always said about Quistis – she has a poker made of ice lodged firmly up her ass – I might love her for all that I am worth but there is no changing that fact.
Oh Hyne - she hates me! Quistis hates me! Not just a little bit – she hates me with everything that she has. Not that she has actually said anything. Oh no - the poker up her ass stops her being rude to me but…Oh Hyne, she hates me…I think I need to die now.
It wouldn't be so bad if I thought that I could change her mind but I honestly don't think that I can. I mean, I could cope before when I thought that we could be friends. It was ENOUGH. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I can't even have that with her? Not that I can blame her - I was a complete twat growing up in the Orphanage and then when we came to Garden … I was angry because she seemed to be all over Squall and she just ignored me – it was always that way. Over time, I forgot why I was so angry with her because I started to use GF's.
Hyne I wish the memories would go away again - I was a complete jerk to her. She was a great instructor - I was just a crap student. I know now that everything that I did was to get her attention. At the time, I really believed that I was doing it because I hated her and I wanted to make her life miserable – while that may be true, I really lost sight of the reason.
Oh Hyne - what have I done? She hates me!
Okay…am taking a deep breath now. Must think this through a bit more rationally. The facts are this:
1. We have been travelling together since Monday. This is now Wednesday. In that time, she has been nothing but cold to me.
2. We have talked only when absolutely necessary. Now that I think back, I have realised something very important. She has distanced herself from me. I panicked there (I'm sure that you didn't notice that earlier today Adams – yeah right!) but the truth is that since I came back to Garden, Quistis has been distant with me. I didn't notice because she has been acting like an instructor so she was still talking to me but it has only been about the Garden, or the next mission or my SeeD exam.
So…maybe she doesn't hate me – maybe she just has no interest in me other than the fact that I am a student and she wants me to prove my worth at last…but, shouldn't that be enough for me? After all that I have done, shouldn't I be prepared to settle for that?
Oh Hyne help me, I don't think that I can. I need more. I need to make amends for all that I have done wrong. I need Quistis at my side even if she will only ever be a friend.
Only a friend - who am I kidding? To have a true friend like Quistis is all that a man like me could wish for. What more could I want? So the question is, how do I make Quistis be my friend? Hmm, that doesn't sound right. Obviously I can't MAKE Quistis be my friend. What do I do to ensure that Quistis can see me in another light?
I suppose it would be a good idea to start with talking to her and finding out stuff about her. How do I do that? I can hardly walk up to her and say "Hey Quistis, I want to be your friend so can you tell me something about yourself so that we can find some common interests and build a relationship round it?" Can I?
What an embarrassment, here I am mid-twenties and I don't have a clue how to make friends. Hyne, it can't be that difficult surely – even a complete twat like me managed to find Raijin and Fujin so surely I can do it again with Quistis? Let's see, what do I know that she likes? Umm whips, order and tidiness, peach – how can I have fallen for a woman when that is the best that I can up with? When that is all that I can think of that she likes?
It's four o'clock in the morning and I should really be sleeping right now but I can't. I keep thinking about her and just why she is so important to me. I try to explain it but I can't. So here is a list. In no particular order, the things that I like most about Quistis are:
-The way she can make me laugh – in class, she could just come out with something that would make me laugh before everyone else caught on to what she was getting at. I would sit there trying my damnedest not to let it show because the last thing I wanted was for her to know that I found what she said funny (told you I was a twat)
-Her hair is beautiful – the way the bit of shorter hair falls round her face
-The way she walks
-The way she carries herself
-The way her face lights up when she is happy
Her voice - her voice is beautiful even on the phone (how many people are that fortunate?)
-Her eyes – I could easily get lost in them
-The way she puts everything into a fight. She doesn't take it easier knowing that there are two others to help her. Don't get me wrong though, she is totally aware of the others and is always checking to ensure that they are holding their own but what I mean is that she treats every fight like it is important no matter whether she is fighting one of those blasted ruby dragons or a bite bug.
-The way she holds that whip (hey, you can't expect them ALL to be clean)
And after reading that back to myself, I realise that I sound like a completely lovesick teenager but friendship would still be enough for me. It would be great to be able to walk into a room and see her face light up just because I have come into it – basically I see that when she sees her friends show up – especially Rinoa. I think it was a big surprise to most people how well those two get on. They are just so completely different yet it's become a normal occurrence to see the two of them walking around Garden thick as thieves. Never in a million years could I have predicted that one!
What happens if she can never accept me? That's just the point though isn't it? I won't know until I try. Tomorrow, I am going to start something new. I am going to make an effort to talk to Quistis and get her to start opening up to me at least a little. I think the best thing to start with would be memories from the Orphanage. Wish me luck Adams; I am going to need it!