Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all characters and places except for Wullie, Gorbak, and Vendek.

A/N: This is an updated version, and is as silly as ever. I wrote this a few months ago, late at night from about 11:00 to 2:00. You can sort of tell, as it gets sillier and siller as it goes along.

The Fall of Boromir

" . . . Boromir . . . ."

No answer.

"Boromir . . . ."



"Eh? What?"

"You are staring at me again, Boromir."

"I am?"

"Yes . . . ."

"Oh. Heh. Er, sorry . . . ."

"Why were you staring at me?"

"Um, no reason. Just, uh, thinking. Yes, that's right, I was thinking . . . ."

"Right . . . ."

The Fellowship were passing through Hollin, and nobody had spoken for over half and hour.

Therefore, it was quite startling when Boromir suddenly roared, "SHUT UP!"

They all stopped and stared at him.

"What, by the Valar, was that," Gandalf asked, frowning at him.

Boromir's face turned red and he looked embarrassed. "I thought I heard, ah, uhm, uh, hmm . . . ." He trailed off and looked at them pleadingly.

They stared back expectantly.

"Alrightalrightikeephearingthisvoiceinmyheaditsaysthatitcansavegondorandmypeopleandiknowthatitliesbutit'sveryperistant purple monkey dishwasher, let's continue, shall we? It is not safe to stay in one spot for too long."

He strode on ahead, ignoring the bemused looks of his companions.

There was a silence, and then Aragorn said, "Did anyone understand a word he just said?"

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"Wherever we go, I do not think we should stay here long . . . ."

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"The Orcs must have crossed by now . . . ."

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"We should cross over to the Eastern Shore now, if we are to go to Mordor . . . ."

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"But what if the Orcs have not crossed over? We could be going right into a trap . . . ."

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"If they have crossed over, however, and we do not leave, we could get trapped between them and the river with no escape besides the boats, which they could easily destroy. What do you think on the matter, Boromir?"

"I think we should go to Minas Tirith."

"Yes, we know that one, anything else?"

"I think we should all go to Minas Tirith."

"Fine, why should we go to Minas Tirith?"


"It looks nice at this time of year?"

"You think we should go to Minas Tirith because it looks nice?!"

"Well, it's true. Anyways, we could get Frodo an armed guard!"

"I believe that is what we are meant to be."

"Well, more, then. You would get a safe passage to Mordor, as well. I do not know how Gandalf planned to enter Mordor, but at least we could get you there."

"Frodo? What do you think?"

"Boromir's plan does have some virtues, and I admit I am sorely tempted. But . . . ."


"Well, let me think on it a while."

"Alright, but only ten minutes. And do not go farther than that willow over there. The Orcs could appear at any minute!"


"You never know . . . they could."

Five minutes later

"Have you decided yet?"

"Maybe . . . ."

"Oh. Well, hurry up. Aragorn is driving everyone mad by jumping to his feet and drawing his sword at every noise! He nearly cut my head off when I sneezed."

"Hmm. Um, I might be faster at deciding if I was left alone."



"Boromir . . . ."


"You are still here."

"And . . . ?"

"Well did I not tell you to go away?"

"There is no need to get snarky. And as a matter of fact, you did not. You said that you would be faster at deciding if you were left alone. You did not actually tell me to go away. It should not be that hard of a choice. Nice and safe passage through Gondor, or dangerous road through the foothills of Mordor?"

"Well . . . the truth is, I do not trust you."

"Why ever not?"

"You have been acting very strangely . . . staring at me all the time, muttering under your breath, yelling at nothing . . . ."

"How do you know that I do not normally act this way?"

". . . I had not thought of that . . . ."

"Evidently. Did you think that I would try to take the ring from you? Ha! I am a Man of Gondor! I swear to protect you from – ORCS!"

"There is no need to shout . . . ."

"Run Frodo! Ha ha! En guarde you motley-minded hedge-pigs!"


"Now that is not fair. You have arrows! Come and fight me like . . . males!"

Clang! Bang! Shing!

"Die, pale-hearted lean-witted lily-livered rabbit-suckers! DIE! May you rot in eternal damnation along with your dogfish of a master!"

"Oi! 'E called us lily-livered! Ge' 'im!"

"That's right, you knavish ill-bred clotpoles! Follow me if you want the Hobbits! Our camp is deep into the woods! Ha ha! Catch me if you can, rump-fed rampillions!"

"Yeh 'ear tha', lads? 'E says to follow 'im iffin we wants the 'obbits!"

"Yar! Wot's rampillion?"

"You shall never know, muddy-mettled - whoa!"


"Blast. Can't see a thing. What kind of person would dig a hole then cover it with leaves? Sword, sword, where's my bloody sword . . . ?"

"Lookin' for yer sword are yeh? 'S mine now. 'Oo's the clotpolly now, eh lads?"


"Cut off 'is gob, Vendek! Wit' 'is own sword!"

"Yar! Of with 'is gob! Off with 'is gob!"

"Wait a mo' boys! We don' know wot a rampillion is yet!"

"Righ' you, tell us wot a rampillion is afore we chop yer 'ead off."


"Off it goes!"

"Wait! If you kill me, then you'll never know."

"Blast! Why'd yeh 'ave t' go an' ask, eh Wullie?"

"Wot iffin we cut oot 'is tounge! Tha'll get 'im to talk!"

"Nah, nah, remember old Gorbak? 'is tounge was cut out, an' then 'e couldna talk no more."

"Wot we gonna do then?"

"I s'pose we'll 'ave to wait for 'im to speak of 'is own will."

"'is own will? Wot 'choo talkin' 'bout? We canna do tha' . . . ."

"Well, wot else can we do?"

". . . Oi 'ate waitin'."

The End