A/N This was inspired by my Easter dinner. Carlisle is very sarcastic in this story, so prepare yourselves.
Edward Get's A Job
I trudged up the steps after a long hard day at the hospital. As I opened the door a blurring white figure flew past me. I tiredly walked up the stairs as two more blurs whizzed past, barely missing, I might add.
"Boys, no super vampire speed running in the house!" I yelled out "Or you'll break something and send Esme off into one of her tantrums, I swear, that woman looks sooo innocent…." I muttered to myself.
To bad for me, I forgot vampires had super hearing.
"CARLISLE CULLEN! I heard that!" Esme yelled.
"Umm, sorry dear, long day!" I called back, hoping I redeemed myself a smidgen.
All I wanted to do was work on my favorite thing in the world, my mini topiary kit! There was just something about trimming bushes and plants into magical shapes with teeny little hedge clippers that makes a man feel complete! It was my little secret, with Edward knowing as an exception. As I got in my office I saw a huge pile of papers. Sigh, just my luck. I sat down and shuffled through them. Credit card bills from Alice, a detention write up for Emmet, a list of chores from my darling Esme, and of course all my hospital papers I had to fill out, most of them were from Bella. That girl really gets on my nerves sometimes, I mean why can't she just freakin walk!? I started to fill them out when I heard a loud CRASH!
"CARLISLE!! Come down here and straighten out your sons!!" Esme called in that sweet angelic voice of hers.
I got up and walked down the stairs where Edward, Emmet and Jasper were sitting guiltily on the couch and a fuming Esme was holding a shattered a vase we had had since the 40's. This was one of those rare days that Edward wasn't glued to Bella's side. She was spending "quality" time with Charlie. He hated Edward so this was probably just to get him away from her, and hey, Edward was a jerk, what can I say? I got an angry glare from Edward for that comment. Darn vampires and their special abilities.
"It was soooo NOT me Carlisle!" Emmet declared in his overly loud voice.
"Yeah right Emmet! I SAW you!" Jasper shot back
"Na-uh!" was Emmet's genius reply.
I sighed "Edward, who was it?"
"Jasper" was his quick reply. Ugh, redheads, they can sure hold a grudge! I got another glare for that one. STOP READING MY MIND THEN!! I mentally shouted.
Jasper stood up in horror.
"He is just saying that because he likes Emmet better!" Jasper whined as annoyance and two year old like tantrum feelings filled the house.
"Whatevs, guys, you're all grounded from...uhh…...fast running in the house for….eternity!" I said looking at Esme for approval.
"Wow, Carlisle, that's a good one!" My beloved Esme said sarcastically
"FINE, you deal with it!" and I stomped upstairs. Only to be stopped by a prancing Alice and a brooding Rosalie.
"Hiya, Carlisle!" Alice said in her annoyingly peppy voice.
"Hi Alice!!" I said back in a peppy sarcastic voice to rival her own.
"Can I borrow some money, please??" she asked with a big smile
"Alice, you just spent 600 dollars yesterday! What could you possibly want— you know what I don't care! Here's your money!" I said throwing a few hundreds at her.
"Umm, Could we have a bit more?"
At this point all I wanted to do was work on my little magic fairy girl I was trimming the last time I had a break, which was two months ago! I just threw my wallet at her and slammed the door to my office. FINALLY, I pressed the combination into the secret safe/mini greenhouse I kept behind the picture of Aro, Marcus, Caius and I. I pulled out my half trimmed fairy maiden and shoved all the papers off my desk, delicately putting her down. Just as I had gotten on my gloves and the special magnifying glass headpiece, so I could get the most accurate trim of course, I hear a knock on the door.
"Carlisle, it's Edward, could we talk?" Edward said pushing the door open and then quickly shutting it behind him.
Ok, this was it, this was the last straw! I was sick of my immature children, and nagging wife! All I wanted to do was trim my freakin fairy bush and add some freakin magical elves dancing around her!! Is that too much to ask?? IS IT!?I guess Edward figured out what I was thinking because he edged towards the door.
"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! You stay right where you are!" I yelled
"I'm sick of all of you! Emmet and his childish pranks, he's over 100 for god's sake! When are you going to grow up HUH Emmet?" I knew the whole family was outside listening.
"And Alice, come on! Show some responsibility! I'm not going to pay for every single thing she "just HAS to have"!! How much stuff do you own?? Jasper, I'm sick of him always acting all moody and misunderstood! I mean, wahh, Jasper, you're sensitive, we get it! Move on!! Rosalie, you're ugly. And Edward, stop coming to me with all your endless problems!! You're the one that wanted to date a stupid human!!" Edward looked too scared to react to that comment. I continued mimicking Edwards whiny voice." I thirst for her blood, she's so breakable, I can't even kiss her, she's in love with my mortal enemy, Oh and Carlisle, Bella broke something AGAIN! Well, you know what Edward!? SHE'S HUMAN WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??"
I took a deep breathe after that. The house was utterly silent. I cleared my throat.
"I think you need to learn some responsibility! When I was your age, we didn't just go gallivanting around. We had jobs, Edward! Where you make your OWN, money and you learn discipline!"
"Carlisle, you were our age hundreds of years ago, and I think I'm pretty disciplined" Edward said smugly.
"Oh, sure you can resist Bella's blood. Whoopee! What do you think I do in the hospital all day Edward?" I replied
I took a deep breath.
"I think you all need…..to get jobs!"
An ear splitting scream came from outside the door. Alice, I assumed. That noise was followed by Rosalie whining and complaining as well as Emmet asking what he had done, and Jasper emitting waves of frustration.
"Now go!" I said to a shocked Edward.
He left, mouth still hanging open, and shut the door.
Hmm, maybe I had been a little harsh. I thought. Nahh…..Now Fairy time, fairy time!!
I picked up my mini hedge trimmers and let myself sink into the magical land of topiary.
A/N This turned out longer than I thought so there's going to be another chapter!
The topiary obsession is for you Caroline!