Title: Fanatical Fans Fiction Board Game
Summary: Ever wonder how all those plotlines that get used again and again come about? Here's how…
Warnings: Er…nothing I can think of (well, rape and child abuse is mentioned, but only as plots, not the actual act)
Spoilers: None whatsoever, well except for a brief mention of something from book five which doubtless everyone knows anyway
Cookies and punch were served. The cookies were cut into pumpkin shapes. The punch was orange. Orange cupcakes with black faces were placed next to the cookies. None of it tasted remotely like pumpkins. The board was being carefully laid out with quills and ink set next to rolls of parchment. Oddly enough, the quills looked exactly like ballpoint pens with feathers taped to them. The parchment seemed similarly taped together out of computer paper, wrapped about what suspiciously resembled the centers of toilet paper rolls. Even more tape was involved.
The game contestants gathered their snacks. This turned rather messy when unexpectedly long sleeves kept falling into the punch bowl. Four contestants were soon wearing dripping black robes, or in the case of the last one a fluffy pink bath robe. Pointed hats fell over eyes, knocked into the top shelves of a nearby bookshelf, and otherwise made a nuisance of themselves. Finally everyone was seated around the board, quill and parchment close at hand while they tried to juggle their pumpkin pastries and pumpkin juice. A few had plastic bottles of what tasted like ginger ale but according to the label taped to their side were, in fact, butterbeers. All except for the person's in the fuzzy pink robe. They had crossed off butterbeer and had written in sloppy and ill formed letters, 'fireewisky'.
"Attention!" one of the figures with the most authentic looking robes cried. She banged a long wooden stick on the edge of the board to get everyone's attention. The stick made a mechanical noise like laser fire and the end of it glowed faintly. "Attention!" she cried again. The low murmur of voices, slurping, crunching, and shuffling of papers stopped.
"We now call to order the third annual Harry Potter Fanatical Fans Fiction Writers Board!" she continued, "Place you're markers on the board and let's get writing! But first, don't forget to introduce yourself to the group! My own name is Amelia Loveheart Joyling, call me Ammie for short, and I'm a Gryffindor. I've been writing for five years now, ever since I turned seven, and I started this board three years ago. This is my marker." And she placed a pink pony on the board. Then she poked the person sitting next to her.
"Er…" he responded, "I didn't know we had to speak…" and he pushed his glasses up his nose. The more observant might note that, for some reason, his glasses didn't seem to have any glass in them. His neighbor leaned over to kindly tell him his scar was crooked. He responded by pulling his pointed hat down over his eyes.
"Right," said the self proclaimed Ammie, and then the fluffy pink robed girl stood up and said, "My name is Hermione Malfoy 2038, and I like pink. Oh, and I'm in Slytherin." And she
placed a small pink marble on the board as her marker, which promptly rolled off. Ammie stared at her for a moment while she went to retrieve the marble.
"Right," she said again, and then, "Well, that's enough introductions, let's play." Everyone scrambled to put their own markers on the board. Only one butterbeer got knocked over in the process. It was luckily mostly absorbed by the owner's rather fluffy almost-black-but-really-more-of-a-blue robe. It was worn proudly with matching fluffy almost-black shoes. The pointed hat, likewise, had a fluffy, turban style to it.
Then Ammie appointed herself to go first and picked up the first plot sheet. She got a Harry Travels Back in Time to the Marauders plot. Squealing with delight at the possibilities, she wrote that down on her parchment and took up the dice. She got a three.
"I get the first plot twist card!" she cried excitedly, pulling a card from the top of the deck. She read it carefully. "Harry has a brother who everyone thinks is the boy who lived," she read out carefully. Then she passed the dice to the next person while she tried to work out how time travel fit into that. Would both boys travel through time or only Harry? So many possibilities!
The crooked scar boy who hadn't given his name picked up his own plot sheet. He had to write about Harry coming into his inheritance and discovering he was part veela. It told him to pick a character card to find out who Harry's mate was. The boy paled a bit at the instructions. He paled even more when the character he got was 'Hagrid'. He rolled the dice quickly and sighed with relief when he landed on a blank square.
Hermione Malfoy 2038 grabbed the dice from his hands next, even though at least two other people were between them. She smiled widely as she picked up a plot sheet and then shrieked in horror. "Harry and Draco are secret lovers!" she cried, "Ick, slash! I can't write slash! I'll have to make one of them into a girl." She quickly wrote that down on her parchment before rolling the dice. She landed on a general plot card. "The Dursleys abuse Harry super bad. Pick a 'Character' card to see who rescues him." She picked a character card. It was Sirius Black. She cooed in happiness, already plotting all the ways she could make Sirius Black return from beyond the veil. Hermione Malfoy 2038 began to work immediately, not bothering to hand the dice on to the next person. The remaining players looked back and forth at each other, no longer certain whose turn it was. Finally one of the girls with soggy sleeves took the dice and her own plot sheet.
"Severitus," she read. No further explanation was needed. She rolled a double which meant she could move twice. With the first roll she landed on a plot twist. Nervously, she picked it up. "Harry and Severus are secretly lovers." She looked at the plot twist and then at her plot sheet. Her eyes moved back and forth several times. Finally she sunk down, hiding her head. Her neighbor poked her, then decided to roll again for her. Yet again her piece landed on a plot twist. He picked up the card for her and read it. "Voldemort turns out to be Harry's father." The girl didn't move from her position, but sobbing noises could be heard from within the folds of her arms.
"Ooh, Severus and Voldemort as a father!" Hermione 2038 cried, looking up from her own parchment, "That has to be a twisted family." The neighbor who had rolled for the
unfortunate girl hesitantly took his own turn. His own plot was fairly tame; Luna and Neville friendship. He also landed on a blank square and passed the dice on across the way to one of the girls Hermione had skipped when she took her turn.
"I hope I get a Harry, Hermione story," she said, "That's my favorite ship." She picked up a plot card. "Harry becomes an animagus," she read. She rolled and landed on a regular plot square. She drew a card. "Severitus," she read and frowned, wondering if that shouldn't count as a twist, but she accepted it anyway.
The next girl took her turn, getting a Emo Harry plot sheet. Her hat fell over her eyes several times while she wrote on her parchment. Then she rolled the dice. She landed on a plot twist. "Harry is sorted into Slytherin," she read, and then said, "Well, no wonder he's emo." Then the dice was pushed over to the last person in the group. It was the boy in the fluffy almost-black-but-really-more-of-a-blue robe. He took the final plot sheet and stared at it for a moment. "evil/manipulative Dumbledore, Powerful/dark but not evil Harry" he read. He rolled the dice and ended up on a blank square. It was Ammie's turn again, but she was so busy writing that she didn't notice, so Hermione Malfoy 2038 grabbed the dice.
"Ooh, 7, lucky number!" she squealed. She landed on a general plot. "Male pregnancy," she read. She blinked. Then she picked up her quill and scratched 'fe' in front of the male. She tossed the dice back onto the table. No one really know whose turn it was, so the only person who wasn't busy scratching on their parchment (besides the unfortunate Severitus/Voldemort father/secret Severus lover girl, who had yet to raise her head or stop sobbing). It happened to be the Emo Harry girl. "Get out of Azkaban free," she read, "This card is good for one plothole to introduce into the story which doesn't have to make any sense whatsoever." She nodded to herself and began to think up ways to make Harry join a herd of unicorns, despite the fact that he was being viciously raped in the first chapter. Then Ammie finally noticed it was her turn.
"General plot," she read, "Harry gets a pet snake." She shuddered but dutifully began writing. The Emo Harry girl glanced at her sheet and looked intrigued. Then the non-male pregnancy, Harry/Draco (one presumably now a girl) writer took up the dice. She landed on a wild card. "Trade any plot twist or general plot card with anyone else," she read. She looked at her male pregnancy card. Then she looked at the sobbing girl.
"Hey, Disturbing Severitus girl!" she called, "I'll trade your 'Harry and Severus are secret lovers' card for my 'male pregnancy' card. I already turned Harry into a girl, anyway." Sobbing girl looked up and blinked. It seemed that could work after all.
"I'm making Harry and Draco lovers no matter what the cards say," Ammie declared. She looked up from her piece to try and determine if it was her turn or not, but one of the boys already had the dice. "Plot twist," he read, "Severus adopts Harry." Frowning slightly, he picked up the entire deck, flipped it over, and began to scan through them. "Hey, half of these are Severitus or Snape adopts Harry stories!" he cried indignantly. Ammie snatched the cards out of his hands and put them straight. Then she rolled.
"Ooh, potions accident!" she cried, drawing from yet another deck. She read it carefully. "Cauldron explodes, turning Harry into a baby. Draw a character card to see who takes care of him." She drew a character card. "Giant Squid." She blinked. The no-longer-sobbing girl took
the dice. She got doubles again. The first turn landed her on a blank square. The second turn landed her right next to Ammie on 'potions accident'. She drew a card. "Harry's potion is sabotaged and accidently turns him into a girl." She was still studying the card when Harry/Draco girl snatched it out of her hand. She tossed the "Get out of Azkaban free" card at her to compensate, ignoring that she had already used the card in her own story. Doubles girl stared at her and then at her fingers which were no longer grasping the card. She decided that she didn't want to make Harry a girl anyway and didn't complain.
At this point, no one was paying any attention to the board anymore. One of the quieter girls occasionally grabbed a random card when she seemed to be running into trouble with her story. "Severitus," she read, "Harry is betrayed and sent to Azkaban," "A cauldron explodes and sends everyone into the past, Harry is bitten by Moody and becomes a werewolf, Snape is a vampire, Malfoy is a Veela, Harry goes to America, Get Out of Azkaban Free: run rampant with a your Mary Sue of choice with no penalties…"
"You can't possibly be using all of those," Ammie cried, looking up from her own story. The girl only shrugged. The game deteriorated further from there, half the pieces falling to the floor, cards getting scattered, and the occasional drink being spilt. One by one, the various authors completed their stories.
"At last!" Ammie declared, penning the final sentence to her own plot plan, "I think I have enough material here to last me fifty chapters, at least. I declare this board closed." Most of the others ignored her, either because they had long since given up on the game and gone to eat more or because they were still writing. Hermione Malfoy 2038 in particular seemed halfway done with an actual fanfic. She had filled her parchment and was beginning to write over the butterbeer labels. Ammie shrugged. It was still better than the last meeting. Nothing had been set on fire. Soon their stories would be typed up and ready to be posted. Fanfiction on the net would never know what had hit it.