Disclaimer: O hai mistur woof! I can haz Crmunul Intent? KThxbai.
Summary: Eames discovers the terrible truth about what Bobby writes in that ridiculous binder.
A.N.: This story will make more sense if you're familiar with icanhazcheezburgerdotcom. You might want to look at a few of those, but you don't have to (It's not like the story makes sense anyway.)
Bored, Alex leaned on her elbow, chin in her hand and stared, eyes glazed over at her partner, who was intently jotting in his precious binder. "What do you write in there, anyway, Bobby?"
He answered without looking up. "Top secret, Eames. If I told you, I'd have to-"
"Deign to using a ridiculously trite line," she finished. "And you know that if you ever tried to kill me I could kick your-"
"Eames," he chided. "Be nice to your poor overworked partner." She politely reminded him that she had done most of the paperwork via her favorite manner of communication:
She chucked a Skittle at his nose.
Too tired to either complain or laugh, he absently tossed the candy into his mouth and resumed writing. Unfortunately, the yellow Skittle made him remember an urgent physical need. (Yes, I realize that if this were a really good story, it would had been a green M&M that reminded him of an urgent physical need, but it's not a really good story. Pay attention anyway.) He started to rise, then looked suspiciously at Alex. Trust Eames with life, yes. Trust Eames not to embarrass me at every opportunity, no way.
Still eyeing his partner warily, he slid his binder into the bottom drawer of his desk, locked it, and made a production of putting the key in his pocket. Alex looked at him innocently, as if to say she had never done a bad thing in her life and wasn't about to start now. He frowned, telepathically calling her a liar. She gave a "Humph," and tossed her head in the other direction, snubbing him.
Men don't stay in the restroom for long, and Alex knew she had to work fast. She dived into her messy desk drawer and fished out her lockpicking kit. Bobby, innocent boob that he was, actually believed that she wouldn't sink to breaking and entering. Sucker.
She slid the binder out of his drawers with a look of pure satisfaction.
The look changed to one of disbelief and terror, yes terror, as she read his casenotes:
Mr. Sims's alibi... not so grate akshully.
Rodgers - I can haz tox reports?
Suspishuns about Miz Reginuld, I haz them.
Resudoo on viktum's hands - it haz a flavor. Prbably Chayeneez fud.
11:00- Meeting wif Carvur- DO NOT WANT!!
Ross - I'z in ur offis, wishin u'd go ta basement cat.
Note to self: Must resist urge to nom Eames. Srsly.
No wonder Bobby hadn't wanted her to see this! This man that she had come to respect and care for though all these years - her partner that she would take a bullet for - the friend that had seen her through countless scuzzy boyfriends, bad hair days and who had made up dignified excuses for her coming to work late when the real reason was that Nathan had puked on her shirt. Oh yeah, and was there during that little kidnapping dealie too. She'd defended him to the stupid captain, she kept Carver and Rodgers from ripping out his throat - she'd held him at his mother's funeral for godsakes and now she felt like she didn't know him at all. Who would have guessed that sweet, soft-spoken, ridiculously intelligent (if somewhat neurotic) Bobby Goren was addicted to lolcats to such a profoundly disturbing level?
Well, there was only one thing to do.
When Bobby returned from the men's room just moments after Alex had surreptitiously scooted over to her own desk and delved into her paperwork, he grinned like an idiot, obviously thinking he'd been successful.
He maintained this errant belief as he got back to his apartment, cracked open a pop, and headed for the recliner. He flipped open his binder and his jaw dropped in abject terror, his face turning beet red as he saw his latest notes.
Scrawled at the bottom in Eames's distinct handwriting: "Takin noats for wurk... ur doin it rong."
Blame this story on my friend Matt, who gave me the idea for work notes written in lolspeak. How did he give me that idea? He writes his work notes in lolspeak. I am not making this up, but I really hope he is. Srsly.