Z-Chan: Not much to say, aside from… There may be spoilers, so that's your fair warning. If you do not like EdxWinry, don't read this. If you do, feel free.
Disclaimer- I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I wish I did!
I never was very good with children. The most I could get out of them was a giggle or a smile. Mind you, each time this happened, it was usually at my expense. Meaning I was either being flattened by a giant mutt, or a ridiculous amount of words would stumble out of my mouth at such a high speed, who could help but laugh? My temper, which usually made many uneasy around me, has somehow proved to be amusing to children as well. It's no wonder I'm not the best with them, right?
However, this somehow didn't stop me from having my own down the line. Now mind you, I have no idea how this happened. I wish I could actually believe that ridiculous story of children being delivered by those big, ugly birds. What's it called? A stork or something? That or having a crib magically poof into the spare bedroom and have it include a baby. Maybe this would have helped me cope with it more. But I am an alchemist, so I could never believe in something so childish. Science is the way to go. And since I believe so strongly in science, I don't think I have to explain to you how a baby is really born. I don't need anybody trying to get any strange images in their head.
Anyways, it's clearly obvious you all now know that I have a small person to raise and try to teach the ways of the world. Everyone is nervous for some reason, but I guess that's expected. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Hold it when it cries, stick a bottle in its mouth if that doesn't work, and if all else fails, I can take her to the mother. She was always better about this kind of thing anyways. But I guess women always are. I have seen plenty of mothers, and I never fail to see how natural they are with caring for children. At least most of them anyways.
Before I go on about my fascinating experience with my child, I should at least tell you who actually was unlucky enough to marry me. For all of you yaoi fangirls, I would like to make it clear that I was not the one who was actually carrying the baby for nine months. No, I'm not married with that bastard, Roy Mustang. And I also did not manage to somehow get my brother pregnant. I don't even want to know how a male could even deliver a baby. And don't make suggestions either. I would rather not hear them. Anyways, about the unlucky lady… I'll bet you are all making all sorts of guesses. I took out two so far, so maybe you could take it from here? What are some first guesses? Winry? Rose? Maybe Armony by some amazing miracle? Or do your interests skyrocket when I mention the lieutenant? Envy doesn't count either, sorry. As amusing as it would be to see Envy as a girl, I'd rather we didn't go into that. Not this time at least.
Now the smart thing to do would be to leave you here right now so you all could moan and groan about how I didn't even give you the answer. Maybe even let you all try to argue amongst yourselves on who could possibly be better for me or worse. That's mentioned when you're married, isn't it? But, I'll be nice to you all this time around. But first let's discuss why the others just wouldn't work.
Let's start with Armony. Assuming some of you don't know who that is, I'll explain. Armony was my apprentice awhile back, who not only insulted me about my height, but also decided to use my face as a pillow for her butt when she fell from a ledge, picking flowers. I love to calculate that sometimes too. I wonder how my luck is that bad. I don't see how out of the entire mass of rocks and land, she managed to squish me. You people all tell me I'm small, so I refuse to understand how it works. But now that I have explained who the marvelous girl is, you'll now hear the reasons why it's impossible for her to be the one I married. The most obvious reason, being that Armony passed away. It's not something I would like to talk about, so let's leave it at that. But if she were, let me explain why it still wouldn't work. That girl was like an annoying sister to me. She whined and pleaded with me every hour to teach her alchemy. Mind you, her father didn't want her learning about any of it. The reasons are not something I care to go into either. Either way, she was not relationship material for me. Nobody was during that time, as a matter of fact.
I guess we'll just go on about the lieutenant. Meaning Lieutenant Hawkeye, in case there was some 'misunderstanding'. I would not even consider marrying the one with a cigarette permanently stuck in his mouth. Remember the talk we had about men having babies? It's not happening. So let me go through the reasons for her next…First off, don't you think I'm a little out of her age limit? I'm not calling her old, but let's let her try her luck with that bastard colonel. The lieutenant also feels like some sort of strict aunt I have to visit ever so often. Don't you dare ever think for one second, that I will call Mustang, uncle either. And I also would not appreciate having a gun pointed at my forehead every time I offended her somehow. Now these reasons may not be legit enough for you, but they work for me. And last I checked, it was my decision on who I wanted to marry in the end. So another explanation out of the way, I'm going to move on to the next one.
Sweet, soft, and gentle Rose. Her gentle personality with her undying faith with god is something many can't even begin to try to match. Surely, Rose is the one for me. She speaks her mind about things she believes in. She even likes to quote me on 'moving forward'. I won't lie to you all, assuming you're even listening anymore. Rose is a beautiful, young woman. I am very capable of complimenting people, in case I just shocked you. However, Rose and I are just friends. I can appreciate many things she does in her life. Raising her son is something I'm very impressed with. But I think I can support her just as a friend. We're too different, and I'm not exactly religious. She goes to church nowadays, you know? I think she would prefer it if her boyfriend or husband would actually attend with her. That's something I just refuse to do. So as sweet and kind as she is, I don't think it works for us.
Now, I would humor you all with other females, though I don't exactly have a list on me. If you would care to mention a few, I might describe an explanation later on as to why those just won't work either. In fact… You all should be smart enough to know why anyways. I'm married now! I may not be experienced with the romantic world, but I am not that dense. I am aware that being 'faithful' in these kinds of things is important.
So, though my explanation was supposed to be about the new small person, I think I wandered off and started speaking about girls. I'm not too proud of this, but I had to explain. But at least now I can tell you who the unlucky one is…
And I'll bet some of you are screaming, glaring, cooing or smiling right now. I guess that's nice. I also know that some of you who aren't too happy with my decision are probably asking me why? As happy and as flattered as Winry would be, I'd rather not go into detail about it. I think you guys know enough about me anyways, which is creepy enough. But for the sake of making her feel a little special, I'll throw in some things.
Winry Rockbell annoys the hell out of me. She complains at me, cries all the time, and adores machinery more than jewelry like most girls. She also most likely gave me brain damage with that wrench of hers, which most likely led me to marrying her in the first place. She now feels she can squeal every time I remove my shirt since we're… together and all. I'd like to note she did that before anyways. Though I think it was the joy of seeing her great automail again. Unless it was those times I broke it. That squeal could easily turn into a screech, you know. My childhood friend also rejected me years ago when I asked to marry her. I don't feel too bad, because she turned down Al too. Winry also tends to like having a foot massage here and there. Now, in my personal opinion, I think I have better things to do than rub someone's feet. It doesn't matter how beautiful the girl is either. A foot is still a foot, and it's not a pleasant job. My list could also go on with how many problems I have with her too. But if it did, I am aware that another wrench to the head would be in my near future. So, I'll be smart about this and get to actually flattering her.
Winry Rockbell is a compassionate, hard working, beautiful, young woman. A woman who is like a rose in a garden of weeds. Her eyes blue and as extraordinary as the sky itself. Blonde hair as golden as the sun. And skin as soft as silken sheets.
You know I didn't write that, right?
Well I'd like to claim I did the garden of weeds part. Al did the rest. He claims that if I tried to compliment Winry it would just make her angry. He's probably right. So I can just nod and agree with whatever Al said up there and just smile. Winry will never know, unless she reads this… Any of you show her this, and I'll hunt you down myself. I bet some of you would actually like that though.
You know, I never knew I could write this much. At least not about this kind of stuff. Did anybody notice that I haven't even gotten to talk about the small person that I get to raise?
Are any actual guys reading this? Or am I just attracting female readers?
Whatever, I don't care anymore. The point I was trying to make was supposed to be that I wasn't good with children. But now that I have ultimately failed with that, I'll have to try again next time. I guess kids aren't the only thing I'm not good with…
Edward: I hate you. Why did you even make me do this? I'm not even marri-
Z-Chan: Shhh! Shut up! You're still dating!
Edward: It's not marriage! And I don't have a kid either!
Z-Chan: Well you do in here…
Z-Chan: Now everyone! Questions, comments? For me? For Edo? For…Uh…Winry?
Edward: Any flames will be used for those tasty things you roast at camp.