Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.
Well that about does it kiddies…
I've gone through hell for a good two years and you busybodies have been around to thoroughly enjoy it. I've decided that from now on, the only ones who will be able to laugh at me and my misfortunes will be my wife and my daughter… I'm sure the damn colonel will find his own ways to poke fun at me, but I'm a wholehearted believer in revenge when it comes to flame alchemists.
I've shared my problems on holidays with all of you; I've expressed my pure hatred when it comes to cooking, and my loving interest in the smell of Winry's hair with additional shampoo information. You all now know that I never seem to get any cake at parties, and my wife once dressed in a banana suit and currently works at a sandwich shop for extra pay.
I can proudly say that none of you found out too much information about me to the point of where you could possibly stalk me. I never told you my address; I never told you where I like to spend my leisure time, and I never gave you the information of where my daughter will attend school in the future years.
I've explained all of this to you, and I don't have a clue as to why. I'm trying to tell myself that I was bored, but then again… Winry did encourage me to write out my 'feelings' so I don't have to yell and shout anymore. But in my opinion, it always made me feel a lot better than after a lousy hour spent over a desk with a pen and paper... So I've decided that I'm going to stick to my original ways of coping with anger. I'll yell, I'll scream, and I'll complain as much as I want to… verbally.
Why should I have to get pissed and then run off to a room and bundle up in a corner and write out things that I could be shouting about downstairs to my wife or whoever else is around to listen to me complain?
Aside from that matter, I am truly realizing that this writing notepad isn't nearly as private as I thought it was. Winry's been obviously snooping through it, she's lent it to Gracia a few times for a good read, and even decided to loan it to Mustang to see if he could find certain things to blackmail me with. This writing idea is quite possibly the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life… And I'm becoming a laughingstock. This kind of thing is for girls to do. That's why diaries are lying around in their room with a lock pelted on the front of it with a key that's hidden god knows where. Mustang tells me they hide it in their… underwear drawer, but I'm not going to go to any lengths to find out if that's true or not. And please don't tell me, because I don't want to know.
I've learned a lot about women and children through all of this, and I can't say I'm too impressed. But it's definitely something I'll never forget. I now know what it is like to be a father, to be married, and to have a daughter. It makes me wonder vaguely what it would be like to have a son.
All of this may have looked like senseless ranting, but I was learning this entire time! And I can even compile a list! If you ask me, I should be getting a passing grade for all of my endurance and willingness to go through all of it!
Now I will admit that I have no idea what it's like to raise a teenager, but I have a feeling it's going to be similar to that of breaking a wild horse.
But what I have learned so far can be considered expansive…
I've learned that…
-Women cry a lot.
-Children cry a lot.
-Always nod your head to a woman when they are talking, even if you aren't listening. It saves you mental stress and possibly physical injuries.
-Never take your wife to a military party while she's pregnant.
-It's necessary to buy triple the groceries when a woman is pregnant to make up for her binge eating, and my large appetite.
-Women…are grumpy every month and more so when they are pregnant.
-Women…are very different from men.
-Naming your child Ethanol or Carbon is unacceptable in many people's eyes.
-Selling your little brother is not ethical.
-Diaper changes are not pleasant.
-Never invite military personnel to birthday parties. They tend to ruin the whole thing.
-Inviting homunculi to parties is never an option.
-Cake is scarce.
-Colonel Mustang sucks at karaoke.
-Halloween is for psychopaths.
-Women look kinda cute when they're sick.
-Making breakfast is better left to my wife.
-Lieutenant Breda stole my daughter's pink earmuffs… jerk.
-Emily will never have a boyfriend as long as I'm living.
-My daughter will have her own secret service if I get my way… Which I will.
-Valentine's Day sucks…
-Never involve yourself in a woman's inner turmoil when it comes to potential weight gain.
-My wife looks cute in a banana suit…
-Never tease her about the said suit.
-Never let military personnel make up bedtime stories. I suppose that includes me. In fact… Don't let military personnel do anything. That suits me just fine personally, because now I can become a couch potato.
-Killer cows have the potential to become Colonel Mustang's loyal subordinates, apparently.
-Never shop for a woman… you'll attract law enforcement unnecessarily.
-Shouting and screaming works wonders.
-Wrenches should be banned.
-Pixies are possibly real.
That is quite a list, now isn't it? Nobody can ever accuse me of being a slow learner. I'm upset because I still have yet to gain any advice on how to handle teenagers. Winry told me to ask the colonel, considering he put up with me in my adolescent years. But he obviously didn't do a good job, so why should I go to him? I have to see him almost every damn day now! Why would I want to put up with a voluntary meeting with him? Besides, I already asked him about it a little.
So now apparently that's become my next task- Receive information on properly raising a teenager.
I have a good idea on how to raise a kid, but a teenager is an entirely different story. I went around and asked everyone their opinions on proper care for an adolescent and this is what I received, unfortunately.
Winry- 'Stop worrying, we still have quite a few years ahead of us.'
Alphonse- 'Take anger management classes.'
Colonel Mustang- 'What do I get out of it if I help you?'
Lieutenant Breda- 'Free burgers and fries solve everything.'
Master Sergeant Fuery- 'Communication is the key.'
Lieutenant Havoc- 'I don't like teenagers; they get all the luck in romance. '
Lieutenant Hawkeye- 'Send them to military school.'
Warrant Officer Falman- 'Knowledge is power. '
Gracia- 'Teenagers are all very different, but you must be firm. Consistency is needed to steer them away from the bad paths in life. Some things need to be learned on their own, but a parent's job is to guide their teens on a proper path for a successful future.'
Is it just me, or is the only reliable source of information coming from the reliable Gracia? Fuery's advice along with Falman's was helpful too, but the rest of them were either downright rude and sarcastic, or just odd.
First of all…
I don't need any damn anger management classes and I shouldn't have to give Mustang anything for his advice, because he should care about his superiors!
I'd also like to know how free food solves anything, aside from hunger, and sending Emily to military school is a terrible idea. She'll just turn out like the rest of them!
And… Havoc just needs help. Plain and simple.
So now I suppose I'll just hold onto what I've learned over all of this time and apply it to future situations. I'm sure it will save me a lot of pain and heartache for many things.
I believe I now know better ways to handle my daughter, and I believe I am starting to understand the way my wife thinks. It's a good start, so I won't feel too bad about lacking in comprehension.
I believe I should receive a round of applause from everyone for going through so much with my family- Shopping, holidays, birthday parties, and so much more. Fortunately, I believe the rest of the things I'll experience with my family will be left in private. At least perhaps until my beloved daughter grows up and enters the stages of adolescent hell. Who knows? You might find me coming back to complain about that next…
But for now… its time for me to burn this 'book' or perhaps stash it away in some time capsule and bury it in our backyard until who knows when. And with that parting note, I bid you pixies farewell.
Silverbell- This… was late. So therefore… Behind White Walls is definitely going to be late too. However… this was indeed the last chapter of this crazy story. Edward needs to be on his own now and I also need to pluck him back into the doctor role for my other story. I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this. I also must congratulate myself because this is the very first story I actually finished. Now I'll be working hard on the other one! Wish me luck guys! Happy Thanksgiving! Love you all!
Edward- How much do you wanna bet that they were expecting some sort of fanfare…?
Silverbell- Oh hush…
On another note... I realize that decided to be a jerk to me and erase all my line breaks in my stories... so you'll have to forgive me. Now I have to go back and fix every single one of them.