A/N: Hello again! This is the third (and last) story in the Holiday Trilogy and is rated 'T' for violence and some mild language. It is set just before Easter (which was the 23rd of March this year). If you have not already read I'll be Home for Christmas and Resolutions, I suggest you do so before reading this fic, or you may be rather confused. You can access them through my page. I hope you enjoy this story!

HUGE thanks to Moogsthewriter for betaing this for me!!

Disclaimer: I do not own the turtles or any of their associates or enemies.


March 19

Well, it's been over three months since I tried to…well, I need to say it…I need to admit that's what I did…I tried to kill myself. I still can't believe that I did that. Scared me so much when my bros told me that I did that and I couldn't even remember it. Then even scarier is the dream that I had last night. I could see myself walking over to the edge…stepping in like the water was just another part of the floor…falling…

I woke up screaming. I was so scared…still am, actually. I guess Leo heard me 'cause he came running into my room. I was so glad to see him. Even just remembering scares me. No, no reason for a big, teary, water-spot to be on the page. I'm not crying! I'm not! I WON'T! I can't…

It's also been over three months since I made that promise. I can easily say that not a single moment has been easy. I don't know how much longer I can take this pressure. My heart is burning and aching and every day I feel rage build up in me that I can barely control. Lately it's been even harder.

My bros aren't buying my happy-go-lucky-and-everything-is-ok act. I think they're just playing along to humor me. Maybe they think that me pretending to be me is helping me cope. If that's so, then they're way off base. I hate it. I hate every minute of it, but I don't know how to be or do anything else.

I, well Raph and Donnie too, tried to keep Leo from knowing about what happened for as long as we could. I couldn't let him do anything else stupidly heroic. That stuff is for the Silver Sentry (cool a dude as I've ever met), but Leo just needs to take a chill pill and not blame himself about me or anything. After all, it's my fault that he got that big hole in his stomach in the first place. He's pretty much all better now, though Sensei and Don practically had to force him to rest.

I should've known that he'd find out really fast, no matter what we did. Took him only four days—and he was all drugged out for most of them—to find out what happened. The second he got up, he's been like my shadow. I think today's the first time he's not been making sure he knows exactly where I am, what I'm doing, and even what I'm writing at all times. That's why I haven't written anything for the past two months. He's annoying, but I actually don't really mind. It kinda comforts me knowing that if I try to do anything, he'll keep me safe. That's what big brothers are for, right? But I'm still worried I might hurt him. Again.

Donnie did another checkup on me this morning. He's been doing that stuff—taking blood samples and scanning my body and stuff like that—as soon as he could after…it. He says that the only thing different is that some of my horror moans, I mean hormones, are higher. Other than that, nothing's wrong with me. I almost wish something was wrong with me, 'cause then he'd know how to fix me.

Master Splinter's been trying to fix me too. I've actually been meditating with him every day. And I mean real meditation, not just the close my eyes and think about comic book and wonder how much longer do I need to sit in the most uncomfortable position in the world type. It's helped, a little tiny itsy bitsy amount, I guess. Haven't tried to kill Raph – lately anyway, which is saying something.

Raph's been the one acting the weirdest. He's gone and become all Leo-like. I don't think I like that. I think at one point, a really long time ago – like, maybe when I was eight? – I thought it would be kinda cool if Raph mellowed out and was more like Leo, but now…I don't think so. One uber-responsible turtle is enough. I'm really missing ol' Raphie-boy. He hasn't been trying to whack me upside the head or anything, lately. Instead, he's just all quiet and stuff. He's really freaking me out. I know I'm not a good liar, but he is. Every time I ask him what's up, he just gives me this look that I seriously thought only Leo could do. He and Leo haven't even been fighting or anything. It's like everything got turned upside down, and I don't like it.

I didn't mean to hurt them so bad. Oh, god. I just wish everything could be like it used to be. I don't want it to be like this…Why? Why the shell did this have to happen?


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