Thief!

I am so surprised someone didn't report me just for using the word 'nigga'. Honestly, I am beyond shocked.

But, anyway, thanks.


Chapter Five – Psycho Nurse!

"Hey, Roy, why don't you have DirectTV?" Ed asked, clinking through the basic cable channels in his godfather's living room.

Roy groaned. "I don't feel like paying that much money for some channels, Ed," he replied, annoyed.

"You should get DirectTV."

"No, you should shut up and be grateful that you even have a TV to watch, brat."

The blond frowned. "You don't even get CNN on this cable service!" he complained, still clicking. Roy vaguely felt his eyelid twitch, and he breathed slowly, staring ahead.

"Edward," he said sternly. "I'm working."

"But I want to watch CNN!"

"What kind of kid your age watches CNN?!" Roy demanded, leaning his head back so he could see the lounging teenager. "Shouldn't you be watching MTV or BET or something?"

"I'll watch MTV when it starts playing music again." Ed replied grouchily. "And isn't BET for black people? I'm not black, Roy."

"Well how am I supposed to know what kids watch?" the cop grumbled, going back to his work. "Jesus, kid, just watch Cartoon Network or something."

Ed smirked. "I want to check my email."

Roy glared. "I'm on the computer, Ed. You can't do anything until I'm done with my work."

"But I might've gotten an email from a friend at school!"

"You have friends?"

"He's a Nazi."

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of my house if the Nazis were going to be involved in your life." Roy huffed. "Who knows when you'll be blitzkreig'ing my Jewish neighbors?"

"You have Jewish neighbors?" Ed asked, curious.

"No, but I could!" The man waved dismissively at the sixteen-year-old. "Now go away, I'm working."

Ed sighed and got up from the couch, stretching. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll leave. I'll go to my room and cut my wrists because you aren't giving me the attention I need. My mom died, you know."

"Right, whatever, go away."

"Jerk."

The sounds of footsteps walking up the wooden steps were heard, and Roy grinned as he turned back to his computer.

"So…age…sex…location?" he spoke aloud as he typed. A small ding was heard as the reply was immediate.

"A thirty-two year old female in Central, New York?" he read aloud. "Holy shit, that's my age…and that's the same city where I live! I'm…32…too…and…a…man…who…lives…in…Central…Wanna…meet…up?"

Another ding was heard.

"Yes? Yes? She said yes?" the black-haired man grinned, pumping a fist in the air secretly. "Score!"

"You do realize that MySpace is for pedophiles, right?" Ed asked nonchalantly, observing his fingernails. "The person you were just talking with could be a twelve year old boy from Norway, you unnatural sexual pervert."

Roy jumped in his seat, hands flying to cover the computer's monitor. "Ed!" he hissed, narrowing his black eyes. "Can't you at least let me work in peace?"

The blond boy cocked an eyebrow. "You call picking up little boys on the Internet work?" he shook his head. "I can only imagine what you do for a living then."

The doorbell rang.

The chief of police glared at Ed. "I think you might want to get that…" he growled.

"It's not my door though—"

"You better play pretend and open it."

"What if it's a killer?"

"Then give them a dollar."

"Or a rapist?"

"Give them two dollars."

"What about a Jehovah's Witness?"

Roy actually thought about this. "Well, then calmly take whatever pamphlet they give you, act like you'll go to their church, and then throw the shit in the trash once they go away."

"Okay then." The doorbell rang again, three times. Ed was annoyed.

"How rude," he commented, walking to the door. Then the culprit started knocking on the door. "Hold on, I'm coming!"

Ed swung open the door. "What do you…want…"

The resident creep's violet eyes were wide as he smiled his unnaturally evil grin. "Hey Blondie." Envy purred, leaning in the doorway. "What're you doing in a place like this?"

"I live here." Ed deadpanned, and made to slam the door shut. Envy grabbed the door, forcing it open and smirking.

"Don't be like that!" he whined playfully. "I'm only trying to see Chief Mustang. So, tell him I'm here, would you?"

"Are you lying to me?" the shorter teen asked suspiciously.

Envy smiled dishonestly. "Does it look like I'd lie to you?" he asked sweetly.

"Yes."

The smile twitched. "Well, I'm not. So go get Roy."

"Hmm." Edward turned around for a moment. "Roy! There's a creepy guy here who dresses like a homosexual and keeps trying to get into my pants! He says he wants to see you!"

"Here I come!"

Ed turned back around. "He's coming."

Envy rolled his eyes. "I heard." He waggled his eyebrows. "So, what's this about me getting into your pants?"

"Not happening."

Roy walked up. "What's not happening?" he looked at the doorway. "Oh, hi Envy. Did you come to repent for your sins yet?"

His godson looked up at him. "You're Catholic too?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Protestant, but who cares?" the cop replied, shrugging. "So, what do you want?"

"I need a job. I want to get a PS3."

Ed snorted. "Why don't you just steal it then?" he muttered.

Envy smiled, annoyed. "Because apparently the securities at the game stores are much too secure for me to get by. If I could steal it, then believe me when I say I wouldn't be standing here looking over your short but hot ass."

Roy chuckled. "Envy, you're so unsuspicious and lovable." He scratched his chin. "I guess I can let you babysit my godsons tomorrow."

"What?" Ed demanded. "I'm sixteen!"

"So? Are you supposed to be responsible or something? Because you steal guns, and stealing guns just isn't cool." The cop shook his head as he spoke, crossing his arms.

"You gave me the gun!" the blond teenager growled, trying to face up Roy, but failing miserably due to the fact that he only came up to the man's chest. "And besides, how old is this jerk?! I thought he was the same age as me!"

The green-haired teen cackled. "You're kidding me, right?" he asked, amused. "I'm eighteen, kid. I'm a senior. I'm only in that class with you because I want to be, if you know what I mean." He grinned suggestively.

Ed flushed, embarrassed. "Can I shoot him? Please?" he begged his godfather.

"No Ed, he's your babysitter. I don't think you're supposed to shoot your babysitters. You can go to jail for that…I think."

"You suck at this cop thing."

"No, the crime rate has actually decreased since I became chief of police." Roy replied, smiling.

"And how did you accomplish this?" Ed asked, frowning.

"I sent all the juvenile delinquents to that school you go to, and the really bad criminals are there as teachers. I mean… its better then jail."

Envy grinned. "Anal rape isn't fun."

"Shut up, creep." Ed turned back to his godfather. "So, why is he the one to be my 'babysitter'? I think he wants to touch me inappropriately!"

"No I don't…at least not in public."

"See?!"

The black-haired man put a hand on Ed's head to calm him down. "The guy needs money, and I need to make sure my house doesn't get trashed while I'm on my hot date with this lady I met on MySp—…Work. Okay?"

The golden-eyed boy huffed and pointed a finger at Roy's chest threateningly. "Just wait until I tell Al how you're leaving us with a child molester!" he hissed, and he stalked away angrily.

"I'm not interested in your little brother!" Envy called out to his retreating form. "I don't do optimism!"

"That was sick!" Ed yelled back. "I'll tell him about your true motives too!"

--SCENE BREAK!—

"Mister Envy is a pirate?!"

Ed smacked his forehead in frustration. "I didn't say that, Al!" he groaned. "I said 'Envy is a thieving jackass that wants your booty'. Wait…never mind."

Al hummed. "What I don't understand is your animosity for Mister Envy. He really is a nice guy!" he insisted.

"Really now?" the older brother asked, obviously unconvinced. "Then tell me, why has he tried to get into my pants seven times in the four days I've been at that school?"

"Why are you counting how many times a guy tries to get into your pants anyway?" his brother retorted.

Ed blinked. "Er, well, I—" he stuttered, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"Don't try and explain it, brother." Al interrupted, holding up a hand. "There is no other explanation for your homosexuality, brother."

"What?"

"Your homosexuality." Alphonse repeated.

"My what?"

"Your gayness."

The shorter brother gaped. "Are you calling me what I think you're calling me?" he demanded.

"Gay?" Al replied with a smile. "Yes, I am brother. You should probably embrace it. You know, come out the proverbial closet."

Ed was baffled. His mouth was open but no words were coming out.

Al chuckled. "Oh brother, you can close your mouth now. There's nothing phallic here to be stuck in it."

And Edward screamed, scrambling out the room.

--SCENE BREAK!—

The next day, Ed was still shocked.

Dorochet looked at him for a long while, like a psychiatrist or a mentally slow dog. "Do ya have diabetes or somethin'?" The second option is a very maybe.

The blond looked at him with wide eyes. "Are you an honest person?" he asked quietly.

"Is anyone in this school honest?" the two-toned hair teenager retorted, crossing his arms. "Don't be stupid, man."

"Okay, let me rephrase that. Are you opinionated?"

"Hell yeah. I gots opinions on everyone. Barry is a crazy fuck, fer one."

"I agree." Ed said. He inhaled slowly. "Do I come across as gay to you?"

Dorochet stared at him. And then he made a funny face.

And he laughed.

"Y-yer kiddin' me, right?" he asked between gasps of air. "Youse like the biggest fag I've seen since Envy! You might wanna cut that hair, lose those pleather pants, and ditch the gay shirt if you wanna at least look straight!"

Edward frowned. "These pants are not pleather, since real cows were hunted to make this fabulous article of clothing."

"Fag." Dorochet said teasingly, punching him on the arm playfully. "I'm cool wit' it, though. Youse too much fun to get all homophobic over."

That did not ease Ed's worries in the least.

--SCENE BREAK!—

Ling stared Edward down, bare arms crossed.

Edward looked back at him, his face serious and his hands on his hips arrogantly.

Izumi groaned. "Boys!" she shouted. "The lesson was to kick ass, not stare dreamily into the other's eyes! This is why gay guys aren't allowed in the army, people!"

Ed scowled. "That was a low blow!" he yelled back.

"Did I strike a nerve, sweetheart?" the gym teacher purred, smirking cockily. "C'mon, take out your homosexual anger on lover boy, not me! I'll fail you if you don't!"

Ling smiled. "There is a proverb from my country that describes this situation perfectly," he commented. He coughed into his fist. "As Chi Lao of the Qin Dynasty spoke: 'A man who feels for another man is not a man at all, but a woman with masculine organs. To be approached with one of these is to feel the overwhelming urge to kick the ass of thou opponent.' Lucky my opponent is you, girly man!" Ling assumed some stereotypical Kung-fu pose.

"Don't get cocky because of some Japanese bullshit, Chang!" Ed retorted, cracking his neck ominously.

Ling scowled. "I'm fucking Chinese you stupid American!" he growled, attempting to kick at the shorter teen's face.

Edward smirked. "Don't get worked up, Taiwan," he taunted. Another kick was aimed at his face, making him get kind of annoyed. "You know, if you'd open your eyes, you actually might hit me."

A punch was thrown, and it almost hit Ed, if it weren't for the blond's ridiculously convenient knowledge of acrobatics and amazing gymnast skills.

"Sorry, try again!" Ed crowed, doing a triple back flip in the opposite direction of Ling.

The Chinese teen gaped. "Teacher!" he called. "That is not fair! He's pulling a faggot and using his body in ways it shouldn't be used!"

Izumi cocked an eyebrow. "Seems to me like you're about to get your ass kicked, Ling," she replied, observing her fingernails idly.

Ling paused. "What?"

Edward did some sort of cartwheel with one hand and kicked Ling in the back of the head. The Chinese martial artist fell over, clutching his head in pain.

Izumi walked up to him, almost impressed. "Wow, if it weren't for the fact that I kicked your ass singlehandedly with a purse, I'd almost respect you."

Ed blinked. "Thanks…I think."

She grinned. "Okay, my turn!" and she roundhouse kicked him in the face, sending him flying across the gym into the group of other students waiting their turn to get their asses kicked.

"Pussy!" she shouted.

Edward looked up, dazed, into the eyes of some random classmate. "I'm…not…a…pussy…" and he passed out.

"What a pussy." That same classmate commented, poking at his forehead.

--SCENE BREAK!—

"Edward Elric?" a voice called through the haze that surrounded Ed's head.

He opened his eyes blearily, focusing on the blurry figure in front of him. "Is…is this hell?" he asked weakly. "It smells like I always imagined hell to smell like…like a whore."

"Bitch please," the voice snapped. The sound of rubber snapping on skin was heard, and his eyes snapped open, almost immediately clearing.

"Who are you?" Ed asked, frightened. A blond, excessively attractive woman donned in a nurse's uniform looked down at him, smiling creepily.

"I'm the school nurse, Nurse Psiren," she said. "I'll be servicing you for today."

Ed looked at her carefully. "Right," he said, getting out the bed. "I've got to go to class now. So, uh, bye."

"How do you leave," Nurse Psiren began sultrily. "When you have no clothes?"

And it was true, as he really wasn't wearing any clothes.

"What the hell did you do with my leather pants?" he demanded, covering himself with the sheet of the bed.

Nurse Psiren smiled. "They're in a special place…" she replied.

"Your vagina?"

"No, you moron!" she snapped, whapping him on the head. "Your clothes are in the damn closet!"

"Oh. Well, can I wear them? I don't want to miss Kimblee's class."

Nurse Psiren smirked. "Oh, don't worry…" she purred, wriggling her latex gloved hand. "This'll be quick. You need a prostate exam."

"What?!" Ed cried. "No the hell I don't! I'm not even gay!"

Much like an awkward moment in a bad sitcom, everything came to a halt at that moment, even the sexy Barry White music in the background.

She blinked. "You aren't?" she demanded. "Then why the hell are you here? I don't do straight guys!"

Edward, who was scared out of his wits, blinked at the situation. He quietly slid out the bed, walking towards the closet, still naked. "Well, uh, I'm just going to leave. I'll get my clothes from this closet and I'll go to Kimblee's class and blow shit up and I'll forget this school even has a nurse."

"Hold it!" Nurse Psiren growled, turning around. "You owe me some pillow talk, young man!"

"What?"

"Sit down!"

"But, Kimblee—"

"I said sit down."

--SCENE BREAK!—

"—and when I said my real name, was Clara, all the girls laughed at me! They laughed! Can you believe that?"

Edward shook his head. "I still can't believe you used to wear braces and glasses and was as flat as a board with bad skin complexion."

Nurse Psiren smiled. "You are such a good listener. I should give you a hug."

And she did. The nurse hugged him passionately, wrapping her arms around the short teenager.

Cleavage! Edward thought, cringing. Dear God, it's in my face! He pushed her away, smiling nervously.

"Look, Nurse Psiren, I loved talking to you, but I've got to go. I'll, uh, talk to you later."

And he walked out the nurse's office, singing "Psycho nurse" underneath his breath.

Russell passed by him. "You can say that again," he replied, shuddering at the sight of the nurse's normal looking door.

Ed scratched at his skin. "I think I feel dirty."

"You wouldn't be the first boy, believe me."

Russell walked out at that, the stolen hall patrol sash still hanging off his shoulder. Edward stared at him for a moment, and then asked the most random question possible in his entire life.

"What are you in here for?" he called.

The taller blond stopped and looked at Edward, his one seen eye wide.

"No one's ever asked me that before…" he said, amazed. "This is new. I'm in here for thievery and pretending to be other people. What about you?"

"I'm here because my godfather wants me to be here."

"Ouch. Your godfather doesn't love you."

"I noticed."

"You might want to get to class, or I'll be forced to write you up."

"Can you really do that?"

Russell frowned. "No." And he returned to his normal smirk. "But the power makes me feel good."

--SCENE BREAK!—

Kimblee's class was just about to start explanation of the blowing up of shit once Edward walked in, and the greasy-haired teacher grinned at the blond's entrance.

"I was kind of wondering where my best student had gone!" he exclaimed, ushering the boy towards his usual partner. Alfons smiled back at him, eyes closed. "Today's shit is quite…complex." Kimblee, for once, was not smiling.

"Woo!" some student in the background cried.

Kimblee shook his head. "You shouldn't be happy when I am not happy, child," he said gloomily, intertwining his fingers. "If I do not smile, then what must occur, children?"

"We do not smile." The students all chorused morosely.

The teacher grinned. "Great!" he said. "The shit to be blasted today might offend some nerds in this class. Alfons! I know you must like Yu-Gi-Oh!"

The Neo-Nazi blinked. "Are you kidding me?" he replied, amused. "Yu-Gi-Oh is for the Jews. Who I don't like, by the way."

"However did I know?" Ed commented underneath his breath.

Kimblee was undeterred. "What about you, Edward?" he asked. "Do you like Naruto?"

The blond tapped his chin. "Not really…I mean, the show has its points, but it gets off subject too much for me."

"Well, then today's shit will not offend anyone of you then, since my two geeks in this class are not enamored with nerdy shit, as the rest of you children are as gangster as they come."

"Fo real, dawg." A student agreed, nodded his dreadlocked head.

"Indeed!" Kimblee smiled evilly. "Today's shit is…NARUTO HEADBANDS. Don't these things just piss you the fuck off? I mean, LOOK at them!" He held up a headband by the cloth part. "Extra credit if you manage to blow the metal part off! Now get your shit up here, like usual."

Alfons poked Ed. "If you get the stuff, I'll start formulating a certain degree of chemicals that are able to disintegrate metal," he whispered.

Ed smirked. "When you do that, I'll also work on loosening the metal period. We make such an awesome team."

"That we do, now let's get started!"

--SCENE BREAK!—

"I think I love the way you think." Alfons commented, eating a pork sausage happily.

Ed grinned. "Did I ever mention how awesome it must be to want to become a rocket scientist?" he replied, eating at his sandwich.

"I want to become a ninja." Envy commented, leaning against the table.

The blondes jumped back, shocked. "When the hell did you get here?" Ed demanded.

The green-haired senior smirked. "Is that any way to treat your babysitter?" he cooed, poking Edward on the nose cutely.

Alfons gave him a weird look. "Aren't you sixteen?" he asked.

"My godfather doesn't trust me for some odd reason. It's not like I'd throw a party if I'm home alone!"

Envy rolled his eyes. "Are you done bitching about that again?" he asked. "It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he needs more time to get used to you!" He rested his forearm on Ed's shoulder. "He's a single man whose now got custody of two teenagers, give him a break!"

The entire cafeteria stared at him.

He blinked. "What the hell are you all looking at?" he demanded. "It's a fairly common situation!"

Ed still stared. "You just accomplished the one thing I never thought you could," he said slowly.

"What?"

"You have managed to creep me out more than ever. I didn't think it was possible."

The Neo-Nazi tapped him on the shoulder. "With Envy," he whispered in his ear. "Anything is possible."

"I noticed—Hey! Hands away from my ass, creep!"

"Why do you always notice?" Envy asked, irked. "You must be creepier than me to have a hand radar on your ass!"

Edward placed a hand on the taller teenager' shoulder carefully.

"Envy," he said solemnly. "There is nothing in this world, and I mean nothing, that is creepier than you."

--SCENE BREAK!—

"Shut the fuck up."

"You heard the man…" Envy whispered, playing with Ed's long golden braid.

Ed glared. "Hands off the hair," he hissed quietly.

"And what would you do if I keep them on?" the green-haired teen asked, smirking. "It's gotta include no clothes, your hair down, and a bed for me to agree though."

"Stop it!"

"Shut the fuck up." Sig growled, narrowing his beady eyes.

"Stop it!"

"Make me."

"Argh!"

"If you don't shut the fuck up, I'll shut you the fuck up!" Sig snapped, leaning back in his chair.

The entire class was shocked.

"Sig just said more than four words." A student said incredulously. "That new kid must be really special to get that far."

Envy smiled. "See?" he whispered. "They think you're special!"

"Stop touching my hair!"

--SCENE BREAK!—

"Roy, I swear to God I'll destroy you if you let that unnatural sexual pervert babysit me!" Edward snapped, Alphonse chuckling behind him.

Roy looked up from his paperwork. "Look Ed," he said calmly. "I'd just like you to know that I don't care. Rant to someone else."

Ed huffed. "Fine!" He flagged down a passing police officer. "Are you willing to listen to a teenager's whining?"

The cop blinked, and then he grinned. "Only if you're willing to hear about my daughter. She is the shiznit!"

Maybe he didn't make the best choice with Hughes, of all people.

END 5


I hate Naruto headbands. With a PASSION. They are so stupid looking.

I tried to cut down on the race jibes, since maybe I really will get flagged for saying words like 'nigga' and 'Jew' and not writing in the South Park section.

LOL I totally think Psiren is hot, but I cannot express these feeling through this fanfic. The shame, as I think of her while I…sleep. Yeah. Sleep.