- and as his eyes slowly cracked open, the overwhelming brightness filled them.
"It's alright, it's alright, it's all right, she moves in mysterious ways!"
Chuck squeezed his eyes back shut, and then, very carefully, with a hand shading them, opened them again.
He was in Sarah's hotel room. The clock radio was playing U2's "Mysterious Ways". Chuck slowly turned his head to look over at the clock.
Two thirty in the afternoon?!
"Fuck," he breathed.
He pulled off the blanket. Yep, he was naked. Not good. And so was Sarah. Well, maybe it was good.
He slowly moved again, looking for his clothes. Every movement hurt. That's when he spotted the note on the nightstand.
Bartowski, it said. Take one of these pills when you wake up, and give one to Walker as well. You'll feel better, trust me. Once you're back up to speed, come in to the Buy More. There's some stuff you need to see. – Casey
Chuck swallowed the pill, and staggered to the bathroom. Bracing himself against the wall, he climbed into the shower and turned it on. A moment later, though, there was a banging on the bathroom door.
"What the hell?" he grumbled, stepping out. He wrapped a towel around himself and opened the door –
To admit a buck naked Sarah Walker, who dove for the toilet and started puking her guts out.
Chuck shook his already dizzy head. "That's so disgusting," he said.
When she finished, he helped her to her feet. "What the hell happened last night?" she whispered weakly.
"I have no idea," he replied. "But I'm getting cleaned up, because Casey needs me to come into the Buy More to talk to me about something."
She closed her eyes for a moment. "Can I shower with you?"
"Sarah, I really don't have the energy…"
"Neither do I," she replied. "I'm just afraid I'll fall over if I shower alone."
Forty minutes later, the Herder pulled into the Buy More parking lot. Sarah was dressed all in black, and Chuck was thanking God that he kept a spare Nerd Herd outfit at her place. They both had on very large, very dark sunglasses.
Chuck walked slowly and purposefully into the Buy More, Sarah holding onto his arm for support. Casey intercepted them almost as soon as they walked in the door.
"Follow me," he instructed them.
He led them into the home theatre lounge, shut the doors, and drew the curtains. In the dimmed light, both Chuck and Sarah finally felt okay to take off their sunglasses.
"So, here's the deal," Casey began. "Turns out that Morgan spiked the punch last night at Sarah's birthday party."
"Wait, what?!" Chuck protested. "I was watching him all night!"
Casey shook his head. "When you took Walker back to your bedroom to give her her birthday present…"
Sarah felt for it, and there it was. The small cross around her neck.
"Morgan was unsupervised for about five minutes," Casey finished. "That's when he did it."
"But he's spiked the punch before, and I've NEVER felt like this!" Chuck said. "I mean, for God's sake, Casey, I was having dreams that I was in a bunch of movies! Serenity, The Matrix, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Back to the Future, Star Wars – I mean, I was IN ALL OF THEM!"
Casey smiled. "That's because Morgan spiked it with lysergic acid diethylamide."
Chuck narrowed his eyes, and Sarah's jaw dropped. "You mean that little bastard gave us all LSD?!" she asked, astonished.
Casey nodded. "I wasn't affected because I didn't have any. But when I noticed how the two of you were acting, I figured I better test it."
"Wait," Chuck interrupted him. "The 'way we were acting'?"
Casey smiled. "You don't remember, do you?"
"Remember WHAT, Casey?"
"Talking Walker into stripping down to her lingerie and then doing a body shot off of her…"
Chuck buried his face in his hands, and Sarah just leaned her head back. "No…"
"Well, fortunately for you, I'm the only person who'll remember it, and it's such a disturbing image that I think I'll be pretty successful in blocking it from my brain," Casey said with a little shudder. "Morgan, Anna, Ellie, and Devin were all in just as bad shape as you guys this morning."
"I'm gonna kill him," Chuck muttered.
"Yeah, well, there's more," Casey replied. He handed Chuck a thick envelope. "I don't know what got into the two of you, but after I pulled the surveillance footage from the Bartowski apartment, then I had to go and pull a bunch of surveillance footage from the Wienerlicious and from here."
"What?!" Sarah practically shouted.
"I guess you guys thought that just one place wasn't quite good enough," Casey said with a lecherous smile. "So, you decided you had to christen the service counter at the Wienerlicious, and Big Mike's desk…"
Chuck held up a hand. "Enough!"
Then Casey turned serious. "Unfortunately, there was one piece of footage that I was not able to recover," he stated.
"What exactly are you talking about, Casey?"
Casey reached into the envelope and pulled out a DVD labeled "Buy More 6/15/08 0200-0600". "Watch this around the 3:30 AM mark," Casey replied. "I'll be outside."
After the door shut, Chuck slipped the disc into the DVD player. He fast forwarded to 3:28 AM, and then hit play.
Chuck and Sarah watched in shock and horror at the scene unfolding before them, but it was like a bad car wreck – neither of them could look away.
"You know what we should do?" Chuck asked onscreen.
"What's that?" Sarah said, giggling.
"We should video ourselves having sex and then post it on the Internet!"
"Oh, God, no," Chuck groaned, burying his face in his hands.
Sarah was frozen as she watched herself from eleven hours earlier. "Okay! That sounds like fun!"
And they watched, in horror and dismay, as they did exactly that – set up not one, not two, but three cameras, and proceeded to get frisky all over the Nerd Herd counter. By the time they were done, Chuck was watching from between his fingers, moaning in disgust as his onscreen counterpart sat down at the Nerd Herd desk, edited the video together, and UPLOADED IT TO A PORN SITE.
"I'm done," Chuck said weakly. "I will never hear the end of this."
He looked over at Sarah – and saw that she was actually smiling.
"What the hell is so funny about this?!"
She just shook her head. "The thought of us making a home sex video…" Her voice trailed off. "It just seems ludicrous."
"There's the proof," Chuck replied, pointing at the screen. "And knowing my perverted staff, I'm sure they've all seen it by now."
He looked on the verge of breaking down. "So now what do we do?"
Sarah took his hand in hers. "We walk out the door, we ignore the world around us. We go back to my place and get some worthwhile sleep, and then when we're feeling better…"
Her smile took on a wicked undertone. "We make a sequel."
That was enough to make Chuck laugh – which he instantly regretted, because his head was still killing him. Nonetheless, he squeezed her hand, and they walked out the door of the home theatre lounge –
To the applause of the Buy More staff. They both turned bright red, and bolted for the door.
"NICE TECHNIQUE!" Chuck heard Jeff yell at him as they ran.
Once they were outside, they slowed to a walk – and then Sarah's phone rang.
"Walker," she said. "Yes, sir. Yes, I'm aware, sir. Yes, sir, that is actually me. No, sir. I was drunk, sir. Yes, sir. I apologize, sir."
Chuck looked at her as she hung up the phone. "Graham's seen the video, has he?"
Sarah nodded. "Not much I can do about it now."
Chuck scratched his head as he opened Sarah's car door for her. "Just imagine if we ever have kids," he said. "This would make a hell of a story to tell."
Sarah gave him a look. "Chuck Bartowski," she said. "If you and I ever have kids, they will NEVER hear about this incident."
Chuck nodded. "Fair enough," he said.
"And, we should probably tell them to stay far, far away from Uncle Morgan's Kool-Aid."
Author's note: this is what happens when I get really bored on Friday and then get really silly on allergy medicine. And to think that it all started with me thinking that Casey should say, "Shiny. Let's be bad guys!" in a fanfic.
I hope you all enjoyed this. It greatly entertained me to write it.
And just in case you're curious, I threw in the brief little reference to Sarah's birthday party in Chapter 7 of "Chuck vs. the Bright Side of Life" to indicate that, as bizarre as this story is, it takes place in the same AU as "Seduction of Sarah Walker", "Star Spangled Intersect", and "Bright Side of Life."