Rating: T for Something something. I'm too lazy.
Summary: Maid Maleen, Death Note style. Prince L gets locked in a tower for seven yearsdue to his love for Prince Light, but the two may manage to get together after all.
Spoilers: Uhh...Well, Mello appears. I think that's sort of it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.
Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness
A/N: Okay, I'm a terrible awful person who's a complete failure at pretty much every aspect of life. I'm sorry for the wait and all that. My explanation? No, there wasn't a death in the family. No, I didn't have to suddenly move to another country. My reason for vanishing for like five months (probably more. I'm too lazy to count) is that my obsessions switched. After seeing my older brother play the delightfully cartoony shooter known as Team Fortress 2, I decided to get it for myself. And now I'm downright obsessed with it. This obsession has overidden my Death Note obsession. And it made me procrastinate this fic. For a while. For a very long time.
Finally, out of sheer hatred of myself, I went back and finished it. Then I decided I was too lazy to write the A/N here. So it took even longer. Gosh, I'm awful. I'm sorry.
So all in all? I guess I'm pretty much done with my fairy tales here. It was fun for the time, though. I hope this sort of finale one doesn't totally suck or anything. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed and all that.
...Am I forgetting anything? I hope not. If I am, too bad, I guess. Not much that can be done.
P.S.: Oh, hey, I just noticed, but I finished this right on 30 chapters. Wow, I picked a good time to become a story-ditching jerk.
One day there was a guy who got a great idea for a story.
"This is a great idea for a story!" he exclaimed to himself, rushing to grab paper and a pencil to start writing it. He sat down at his desk, got comfortable, and began to write. And this is what he wrote:
Once upon a time... (See, you thought you were getting out of it that time. Oh, no no no. You can never escape the classic fairy tale beginning! NEVER!)
There was a king who had a kid. There was also another king who had another kid. Both of the kids were boy kids and since they were the kids of kings they were also kings' kids, also known as princes.
One kid was named L, and the other Light. L was very, very beautiful, and he and Light fell in love with each other. But L's father (who shall from now on be dubbed Random Dude) wanted L to marry some other dude, and wouldn't let L marry Light.
"I won't marry anyone but Light-kun," L stated bravely, hands on his hips.
"RAWR!" roared Random Dude. "Since you won't marry the guy I'm telling you to marry, then I will put you in this giant tower with no windows or doors and stuff and you won't see the sun for seven years! Maybe then you'll learn how horrible that thing called free will is!"
L blinked. "Will there be air holes in the tower?"
The king paused momentarily, thinking it over before answering, "Yeah, sure."
And so, a giant dark tower was created with no windows or doors. Right before sealing up the last hole, they put L and his not-quite-a-maid-but-close guy, Mello, into the tower, along with seven years worth of food and water (which, to normal people, was about twenty-one years worth of cake, chocolate, tea, and coffee). Then they sealed it up, drilled a few small air holes into the ceiling, and left to take a nap.
"Alright then," L sighed, taking a seat. "We have seven years. What now?"
"I dunno," Mello said with a shrug, pulling a bread knife out of the cabinet. "We could carve our names into the wall."
Seven years later (They could tell because their food supplies were starting to run out), there were many scratch marks covering the walls. There were fifty 'Mello waz here's on the left wall, sixty 'L was here's on the right, tally marks counting all the days in those seven years (I wrote the story, you do the math) on the other two walls, and a large, very exact replica of the Mona Lisa covering up the entire ceiling.
"They should be back any minute to get us out," Mello announced, adding a few finishing touches to the world map they'd decided to put on the floor. L nodded, and took a seat to rest.
A few more days passed, and no one came. The food supplies they had been given had completely run out by this time. And so had Mello's patience.
"Screw this!" he exclaimed loudly enough that birds outside of the soundproof walls squaked and flew away. "I'm not waiting any more! Go grab a knife, 'cause I'm gonna take these damn walls down myself!"
So the two men carefully picked away at some of the mortar in the walls, and eventually got a brick out. More bricks followed that one, but no one came to greet them. In a little while, they'd gotten a hole big enough to crawl through. Mello climbed out first, followed by L.
They both looked around, only to see that the entire kingdom had been destroyed and burned to the ground. Even the tower had a few scratches and burn marks.
"Well, this sucks," Mello announced, already walking towards the city.
"Agreed," L said. "I say we forget the town and go somewhere else to make a living."
And so they both set off and a wild and magical adventure! (Well, actually, it wasn't all that wild and magical. But it was an adventure, no doubt about that.)
However, no one in any of the towns they passed would give them any shelter or food. They walked for days, and eventually tried to find something out of nature to eat.
"What the hell is this?" Mello asked, plucking the small plant from it's spot in the ground.
"It's a nettle plant, I think," replied L. "Some people eat it."
Mello cautiously poked it with his tongue, then spat the flavor out and tossed the leaf away. "You'd have to have dead taste buds to eat that."
"Or an empty stomach. Not all people are so awesome that they can bend reality."
"Right. I bet they're all jealous, those nettle-eating weirdos."
The days continued on, and still nothing. Finally, they came upon a huge castle in a great kingdom. (Which just so happened to be the castle that the great Prince Light lived in. Isn't that an odd coincidence? Who could have possibly seen that one coming?)
The cook inside let them both help out, but Mello vanished from the story plotline soon afterwards for reasons unknown.
Meanwhile, we shall get an inside look on how Prince Light's life has been going for the seven years that L was locked up.
For the first week or so, Light had gone to visit the tower and yelled at it to see if anyone would reply, but no one heard him due to the thick walls. Eventually, he gave up and went home in a depressed mood. Six years and eleven months later, his father had decided to forcibly marry Light.
However, the girl didn't think she was pretty enough to marry the supreme king of sexiness known as Light Yagami. She sat down on her bed and sobbed all day as the wedding crept closer and closer.
"Misa-Misa will NEVER be pretty enough to marry Prince Light!" she cried.
It got so bad, that the week before the wedding, she refused to even leave the room. The chef had to order someone to go up and bring her meals to her so she would eat. Guess who got selected for the job? Go on, guess. Take your sweet time with this.
-insert Jeopardy theme here-
...Alright, that's enough. Don't hurt yourself.
It was the main character that we all know and love, L! (Well? Were you right? Yeah, I thought so.)
For six days, L brought Misa her meals and the days passed by uneventfully. But on the last day, the day of the wedding, Misa decided that she would have to do something before she embarrassed herself by going out in public next to the amazingly gorgeous (and incredibly sexy) Prince Light.
"But however shall I do that?" she asked herself for no reason. Then, right on cue, L walked in the room and set the tray down on Misa's desk.
"Wait!" Misa exclaimed as L began to leave, having just come up with a great idea. She knew that she was much prettier than L was (Remember, this is what SHE thinks, not what the millions of L fangirls think), so if she had L take her place at the wedding, then when someone found out he wasn't the real bride, she would look much prettier in comparison and everyone would love her!
"You're in luck!" she exclaimed, ignoring L's emotionless stare. "Misa-Misa has broken her ankle and can't attend the wedding, so YOU will go in her place!"
"Pardon me for saying, but..." L replied, rolling his eyes. "Shouldn't 'Misa-Misa' pick someone who is...Well, female?"
Misa blinked. "...Why?"
Sighing, L shook his head. "Never mind. I'll go for you. Just as long as I get paid."
And so, a deal was worked out, and within about a half hour, L was decked out in a wedding dress (that fit him surprisingly well) and headed off to the church.
When L arrived at the church, everyone gaped at his amazing hotness. Even Light was left speechless. King Soichiro was the first to speak, as he cleared his throat and stated simply, "Light, this is the one I have chosen to marry you to."
"Really? Hot damn!" Light exclaimed. He turned to his 'bride' with a grin. "You look like this guy that I wanted to marry seven years ago but never saw again due to a bizarre form of disciplinary action!"
"How odd," came L's response. "You remind me of a childhood friend that I wanted to marry seven years ago but never saw again due to a downright strange incident involving builders, some concrete, and a few tons of stone bricks."
"That is so weird."
The two walked down the sidewalk, and as they went L spotted a little plant –A nettle plant, if he recalled correctly– growing out all on it's own. For the sake of being strange, L leaned down as they passed it and whispered the words that were written in his script.
What dost thou here alone?"
But at that moment, he realized that the poem didn't fit (as it stated something about how he'd eaten the nettle plants. But he hadn't, so that was untrue) and had to use the first thing that came to mind.
"No, seriously, nettle-plant. Please go away. You're ruining the mood," he muttered to it.
"Did you say something?" Light asked, staring down at L.
"Of course not, Light-kun. Don't be silly," L said, standing back up and continuing on the way. Light gave him a suspicious stare, but continued on nonetheless.
They soon came upon a small footbridge. L decided he should talk to that inanimate object too, and so he looked towards the ground and murmured,
"Footbridge, do not break,
I am not the true bride."
"Okay, you totally said something just then!" Light remarked, turning to stare at L. "What did you say?"
"That those shoes make your feet look big," L blurted from the top of his head.
Light blinked once, then twice, then looked down at his feet. "You really think so? See, I told my dad that they made my feet look big, but he was all..."
Light's chattering continued as they approached the church door. L decided to take his chance while Light was distracted and say something.
"Church door, break not,
I am not the true bride."
"Oh Em Gee! You talked again!" Light suddenly squeaked, cutting off his previous rant. "What did you say?"
"I said that the gold trim on your suit brings out your eyes."
"I so totally agree!" And Light would have continued on forever, had he not remembered the small necklace his father had given him to award to the bride. "Oh yeah, here's this necklace. It's for you."
"Why, thank you Light-kun," L replied, clasping it around his neck.
The bride and groom walked inside, and were married with absolutely no problems whatsoever. Then they both went home. L changed back into his normal outfit (but kept the necklace), and everyone lived happily ever–
Oh, wait. Getting ahead of myself. My bad.
So the next day, Misa went down to meet Light herself, and the two of them had a nice conversation. That is, until Light decided to ask...
"So, what did you say to the weird plant thing in the sidewalk?"
Misa blinked. "Misa-Misa doesn't talk to strange plants. She's a good girl."
Light raised a brow. "Well then you must not be the real bride. The bride I married was talking to a plant." He paused for a moment. "That sounds so weird when you say it out loud."
Thinking quickly, (shocker, I know) Misa stumbled to think of something to say. "Um...Just a moment! Misa-Misa needs to talk to her housemaid!" Seeing Light's questioning stare, she explained, "Misa-Misa's housemaid keeps all her thoughts for her."
"Hm..." Light mused. "I suppose that makes sense. Hard to imagine your mind keeping all those thoughts inside. Go ahead."
So Misa scurried off to the kitchen and found L.
"L! What did you say to the weird plant thing on the sidewalk?" she asked frantically.
"You mean the nettle plant?" L replied. Then he told her what he had said.
Misa blinked, confused, but nonetheless ran back and relayed the message to Light.
"Oh. Okay. That's been keeping me up for days," Light sighed. "Now what did you say to the footbridge?"
Misa blinked. "...I need to ask my housemaid."
"Sure, whatever," Light sighed as Misa dashed off once again to find L.
"L! What did you say to the footbridge?" she asked when she found him.
Again, L told her what he had said.
Misa's eyes narrowed into a glare. "I hate you."
"I expected that. Thank you. Don't you have a prince to be getting to?"
Misa nodded and left, going back to Light and reciting the message.
"Oh really?" Light asked, obviously amused.
"Yeah, really," Misa sighed.
"Now you can tell me what you said to the church door."
Misa blinked. (Deja vu.) "Light-kun..."
"Yes, you can go ask your housemaid for your thoughts."
Do I even need to repeat the process by now? Misa leaves, Misa finds L, L tells her what he said, Misa gets upset, Misa runs back, Misa tells Light what L told her that he said.
"Alright then," Light said, smirking evilly by now. "So..."
Misa gulped, sensing what was coming. "What is it, Light?"
"Where's the necklace I gave you?"
Misa paused. "You gave me a necklace?"
Light's smirk grew, and Misa nearly hit herself.
"Oh, right!" she exclaimed. "Misa-Misa's housemaid also holds her jewelry for her! I'll go get it!"
But instead, Misa ran off and fetched the guards. She told them that L had impersonated her at the wedding, and the guards set off to go cut L's head off. (They didn't question it, as they were excited over this event. No one had been decapitated in quite some time now.)
But when the guards seized L, Mello decided to make his reappearance in his good old plot-fairy form.
"Okay, you have to scream," the blonde explained simply.
"What?" L asked in disbelief.
"Scream at the top of your lungs. You know, to get Light's attention."
L sighed, but did what he was told. He screamed as loud as he could, and managed not only to get Light's attention, but also temporarily paralyze the guards.
Prince Light burst in within seconds, and ordered the guards to stop.
"I remember you!" he exclaimed, pointing at L. "I got married to you! And you look exactly like my childhood friend from seven years ago!"
"I am your childhood friend from seven years ago," L replied. "I was locked in that tower for sticking by our almost-marriage." He paused for a moment, thinking. "You owe me a lot of cake for that. Seven years' worth, to be exact."
Light shrugged, grinning. "Sure."
And so, Light and L ruled over the land together as Prince and...And Prince, I guess. Prince and Prince. Misa was punished by being force fed nettle plants, completely frozen in a block of ice (to negate the immense burn she suffered from), and then decapitated (because the guards sure do love their decapitations.)
And they all lived happily even after. (Except for Misa, of course. But I don't need to tell you all that, do I?)
A/N: Okay, again, I'm totally sorry for all the wait and stuff. And I'm totally sorry about my switching obsessions. If I ever feel like it, I'll write again. Until then...Well, there's plenty of other good stuff to read! Less stupid stuff. With plotlines, and all that jazz.
(I need to work on the plotline thing...And the not-sounding-stupid thing...And pretty much everything else, while I'm at it.)