-1The name is Yi. Robin Yi.
Yes, that Asian woman with her hair cut short is me. The guys on the floor in front of me? That would be my partner Matthew Parkman, world's most closeted Jew, and his partner (if he weren't swimming down De Nile) Mohinder Suresh.
How exactly did I come to be standing in their bathroom, almost falling over from laughing as they struggle to get up in spite of the very large amount of water that's spilling from the shower onto the floor?
Well, it's an interesting story. It all started the first time I met Mohinder…
Matt and I were finishing up some paperwork that was due last week (This, sadly, is not an exaggeration; I'm in the habit of leaving the boring work until the last possible minute, and Matt, though I know he works steadily through the night, simply can't get his paperwork in order) when this gorgeous Indian guy ran up to Matt's desk and plopped a brown paper bag on his desk.
Mohinder: You forgot your lunch.
Matt: I did?
Matt: Uh… you know you don't have to do this right? Robin normally ends up buying enough fast food to feed the entire station.
(For the record, I do not. I buy enough to feed exactly two cops, one of which adores Chinese and the other of which is going to starve to death on his Indian vegetarian diet.)
Mohinder: That's exactly why I should do this. Besides, Molly noticed and made me promise to bring it to you.
Matt: Meaning she threatened to check?
Matt: We have got to stop letting her and Elle hang out together.
Mohinder: I know, I know. I can't help it! She follows me home and if I try to throw her out I'm afraid she'll fry the neighbor's dog or something.
Matt: Better the dog than our daughter's brain.
Mohinder: I'll try talking to her today at work. Speaking of which…
Matt: Go on, save the world from bad X-men knockoffs or whatever.
Mohinder: I wish they were bad X-men knockoffs. It'd be some much easier…
Matt: Go to work, Mohinder.
Mohinder: You're picking up Molly today?
Matt: Yeah, it's Tuesday, right?
Mohinder: Yes. Goodbye.
Mohinder rushed past my desk without a second glance, which is probably a good thing because otherwise he might have noticed the large puddle of drool that had being pooling on my desk during the entire conversation.
"Dude," I said in a slightly hoarse voice. "That's Mohinder? Why didn't you tell me he was so hot!?"
Matt blinked. "Uh…"
"Is there any chance that he's bi and the two of you are breaking up soon so I can catch him on the rebound?" I continued, in a slightly wistful tone.
He glared at me, and I was surprised to see that he was actually angry. "Don't even think about it."
"Okay," I said, throwing my hands up defensively.
"Seriously. I'll know if you do," he tapped his head.
"Considered it done. Undone. Whatever," I replied, looking back at the paperwork.
To this day, I'm not entirely sure he knew that I was only joking. I mean, what sort of jerk sleeps with her partner's partner, hot or not? Only the kind that's going to the circle of hell normally reserved for Michael Jackson fanatics and the people who created standardized testing.
But whatever he was thinking at the time, he seemed to forgive me fairly quickly. Or at least forget what I said temporarily in favor of being closeted.
"Just so you know? We're not gay," he said suddenly.
I blinked. "What do you mean you're not gay?"
It was the start of a beautiful friendship, based on my trying to set him and Mohinder up, and his trying to convince me to stop. And failing miserably, not in the least because it soon became apparent that the man was suffering from some serious UST with his co parent.
But I digress; the point is, we're friends, which mean I'll do stuff for him I'd normally turn down flat, like eating over at his place (the next day I started buying Indian takeout, which is totally coincidental, no matter what Matt says), or picking up Molly from school.
"But I hate kids, remember? I'm not a people person!" I'd protested when Matt asked. "This is why I always play bad cop to your good one, remember?"
"What, you don't like Molly?"
"Of course I like Molly. She's Molly!"
"Then what's the problem?"
So, that's how I found myself driving Miss Walker-Parkman-Suresh home twice a week, plus a small stop at Wendy's on the way home so the girl can get a frosty, because that sugar-free diet will warp her for sure.
Today, however was slightly different; a robbery conducted in a similar fashion to ones Matt and I were currently investigating (with the welcome addition of a positive ID) had prompter Fuller to call me. Matt apparently wasn't answering his home phone, so it was my job to tell him to get his ass back to work.
Immediately after hearing that, Molly began acting strangely. Well, that girl was always a little odd and precocious, so I guess it was just odder than usual. First it was an onslaught of issues she was having with this boy from class, that she couldn't talk to her fathers about because she kind of liked him, as in like liked him. Then it was badgering about questions about working as a policeman that I knew she'd already asked Matt a hundred times over because he complained to me about it. Finally, she pestered me for another frosty, but by that time I had had it.
"What's your deal?" I asked, opening to door. "Normally you can't wait to get home and start watching whatever Disney channel songfest is on-"
"Would you just stick it in already!" Mohinder called out, his voice sounding completely different than it's usual polite tone.
That's when the sound of the shower running registered.
"Oh!" I said, looking down at Molly, who seemed like she was about to die of embarrassment on the spot. "Wait, how did you-"
There was a loud groaning noise.
"You know what, never mind," I said, hurriedly, handing her the keys. "You go wait in the car."
"What are you going to do?" she asked suspiciously.
"Interrupt your Dads, unfortunately," I sighed.
"You can't do that!" she protested.
"I have to," I moaned. There was a loud thunking noise from the bathroom. "Matt and I are working on a case together, and we just got another lead."
"But they just-"
"I know," I cried, exasperatedly. "Believe me, I've been trying to get them together almost as long as you have, this is the last thing I want to do but… duty calls."
"For the love of- it doesn't twist that way!" Matt shouted urgently.
There was a very awkward silence.
"I'm waiting right here in the hallway," she proclaimed stubbornly. "And if they never get together because of you-"
"Don't bother, missy, I'm already going to the special hell," I muttered. "And if you get an eye full, don't blame me."
She grimaced, and I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. It didn't take longer than thirty seconds, but honestly, it was the longest thirty seconds of my life.
"Just shove it in the hole!"
"That's what I'm trying to do!"
"That's not what it looks like!"
"Watch out for the head!"
"Ow! My eye!"
"How is this even supposed to work!"
"Tab A, slot B! It isn't rocket science!"
"It's just too big! It won't fit!" I knocked on the door.
"Well then, why don't we try some lubricant?" I tried again.
"Like what, WD-40?"
That was enough. Really, if I'd known they were going to be this hopeless at it, I'd have recommended a monastery rather than a night in with candles and nudity.
"Why is it still turned on?" Mohinder wailed just as I opened the door.
"Because I can't-" Matt slipped and felling, grabbing Mohinder in an attempt to keep himself upright. The two on them came tumbling out of the shower and landed at my feet, fully clothed but completely soaked. The shower they were apparently trying to install fell onto the tile with a loud clatter.
Which brings us to now, with me, the one and only Detective Robin Yi, laughing my ass off.
"Uh… geez is it three o'clock already?" Matt asks.
"Almost four," Mohinder frowns, looking at his watch.
"Do you have any idea," I gasp. "What the two of you sounded like from out here?"
"No-" Matt begins, then stops suddenly. His eyes go impossibly wide. "Oh, God…"
"Just shove it in the hole," I cackle. "Tab A, slot B!"
Mohinder flushes spectacularly as the double entendre hits him. "Good God, is Molly around?"
"Yes," I giggle. "But that's not why I interrupted. Fuller called, we got an ID on that burglar."
"Right," Matt says awkwardly. "I'll just go get changed."
He waddles off, sweatpants that would probably be a little baggy under normal circumstances clinging very tightly to bottom.
What? I have eyes!
"And I'll explain to Molly what we were actually doing," Mohinder mutters, "Thanks for picking her up, I guess."
"You guess?" I repeat, then realize that I wasn't the only one staring at Matt's ass.
"You know," I say conversationally. "I've left enough gay romance novels on his desk that when you actually get to that point, the word 'WD-40' won't come up at all."
He shoots me a panicked look.
"Don't give me that, dude," I admonish. "I've only just begun to play yenta…"