The Ticking Biological Clock

Ever since Bruenor's typically blunt questions surrounding whether or not he would impregnate Catti-brie, Drizzt had been feeling rather uneasy about both the dwarf king and his sexy, redheaded non-biological daughter.

It turned out, of course, that his finely tuned Drow instincts did not lead him wrong. He came back from a romp in the snow with Guenhwyvar one day, only to be faced with a woman who resembled the succulent, pale-skinned wood nymph of a human he had come to know and lust after…if only Catti-brie hadn't been wearing an extremely perturbed expression and standing with her hands on her hips.

"Catti-brie?" he stammered.

She frowned at him, and her baby blue eyes flashed. "Drizzt, I mean for ye to talk to me serious."

"Serious?" He was too startled to correct her grammar and his. "What about?"

"Babies."

He almost fell over backwards. "B-B-Babies? Why? Is Delly pregnant again?"

"It's more'n that," Catti-brie snapped. "They're cute. They're cute little bundles of joy. Where're my cute little bundles of joy?"

"Babies aren't really bundles of joy," Drizzt said. He found himself backing up until he was prudently under the protection of his panther Guenhwyvar. "They just look that way when Delly and Wulfgar come to visit. Really. Babies are a lot of trouble. You clothe them, you feed them, and then they excrete waste into their own diapers. You can't trust them. You have to watch them every minute. They put inedible things in their mouths. Including their own body parts. You don't want to have children. You'll sag, and your breasts will hurt. I heard you'll never be in the same shape again," he added, inspired by memories of his sisters complaining.

"Drizzt," Catti-brie wailed, "don't ye love me? Don't ye want me to have a family?"

"Of course I do," Drizzt said. He looked around. There was no one else in sight. "But no. Not if it has to be with me." He inched away.

She whipped her bow off her back and cocked it.

He ran away. Guenhwyvar followed him, bounding through the snow.

"Ye'll have to come back and face me sometime, Do'Urden!" Catti-brie yelled. "Ye can't hide in a cave and sleep with bears all winter!"

"Good idea," Drizzt said to Guenhwyvar. Guenhwyvar gave him a look that seemed in agreement.