NAPOLEON DYNAMITE IN THE OUTER SPACE
Napoleon… the listless, alienated one. He always knew that day would come, although he didn't like to think about it. THAT DAY.
Kip was kissing LaFawnduh in the kitchen passionately, in a bizarre way. You could see their tongues. He had that new look and thought he was sexy.
Napo was doing his homework in his room, writing slowly and thinking very hard every letter, and just wanted to eat some butter. His red hair bristled and his mind screamed. "Butter, the key of the world", he thought with his manly mental voice, and ran to the fridge.
But he entered to the kitchen and saw that terrible scene…
- Oh yes, Kip, more, I want more! – screamed LaFawnduh.
- I'll give you everything you want, I'm in doubt with you… thank you for making me the man I'm today. – said Kip.
- Stop talking so much!
Well, there's no need to more details. Napoleon looked what was happening so shocked and stunned. He didn't know what to do. Move on? Go back to the bedroom? Open the fridge anyway, while that pair of dorks were doing you know what? He decided to stay there. Kip didn't see him, LaFawduh saw him but she didn't care.
- SHUT UP!
Two words Napoleon said and those four eyes were looking at him… With anger.
- This is not a motel; it's my house and also Tina's house! – He screamed in a moment of brilliance.
LaFawduh just went away…
- Kip, you're a loser, just like your nephew, and I can't change that… sorry!
- But… you're the love of my life… LaFawyette, please! Come back to me!
He kissed her feet and she kicked him, now his nose was bleeding. Not Kip's nose… Napoleon's.
- Did you count with this? Huh? She taught me kung-fu! - said Kip.
- Stop it! - Napoleon was shocked.
- No, I won't. Until destroy your life, just like you destroyed mine.
He was talking literally. So literally… he burned Napo's homework, the work that always was so hard for him to do.
- Don't do this!
- I'll burn your yearbook, so you won't have more girls to go out than me. Trisha was just a miracle…
LaFawnduh was outside, looking all from the window. She entered.
- Kip, I want to tell you something. I saw all.
- Will you marry me? Can't you see I'm not a loser? I'm a brave man!
- No, you're freaking not! The hero here is Napoleon, I will take him with me. Now I can see who's the loser that beats his poor little nephew… Bye forever!
Napoleon didn't like LaFawnduh at all, but knew that was a good revenge to Kip for burning his school hard work. He felt the best looking boy ever, and dared to… kiss her! So wrong, Napoleon. So wrong!
LaFawnduh kicked him and also Kip, due they knew kung-fu. Napoleon was so clueless. Just ran away unharmed, screaming "Fck you Kip!".
Ran, ran and ran, until he saw a light, a big light… a light that lightened all his body, all his soul, all his supposed brain. It was an UFO. Suddenly, a strange looking person walked down the stairs of that strange space ship. It was green. I mean, it's like, you know. GREEN. It had three big and square eyes, and a mouth full of saliva. Yes, it looked terribly horrible, but had a strange appeal, maybe in the way it talked; so slowly, so peacefully, so sensually, with that Sedna planet accent. And that green skin the alien had gave it an exotic attractiveness. Napoleon was thinking on that.
- I can read minds and, no, I'm not dating anyone. It's complicated when you're travelling between worlds all the time, imagine you living in Italy with a girlfriend in China, is even more complicated to me to maintain a stable relationship with someone… hope this solutions your doubts…
- Oh, ehm, err… yes, Mr. Alien.
- My name is Donahue, by the way, but everyone knows me as The Spicy One. – He winked two of his three eyes.
- OK, Spicy Donny, I was wondering… who are you?
- I am an alien, right? But in body, not in mind and even less in soul. I need a human body, and I studied you and your behaviour through two months and realised you need an alien body, because you, my friend, are an alien in itself.
- What do you mean by that? - Napoleon looked so confused that was funny. With all his hair messed up and his ideas going round and round through that mind, he imagined derisory forms, circles, squares, triangles, all combined with different colours, bizarre shapes and concepts that filled up his brain.
- Your behaviour and thoughts are so alien-ish. You need a body like mine.
- Oh yeah Mr. Alien. Those muscles and that green sexy legs. Definitely, Napoleon needed a body like that.
- The problem is; if I had your body I'd want myself.
- That's not a problem. The problem is I loathe myself. I don't want to be green. I don't want to be with all this slime in my mouth. – said the poor Donahue.
Three minutes and Napoleon replied, having thought his answer very hardly.
Donahue touched his head, and after three minutes… Blimey! Napoleon was an alien. Donahue has Napoleon's body now.
- I've never been so handsome, conquering girls time! – said Donahue.
- I've never been so handsome, conquering girls time! – said Napoleon.
But suddenly he felt something really strange, some energy that attracted him to the spaceship. He opened his eyes and was there, looked through the window and there was no more Idaho… he was looking planet Earth.
- Donahue, my favourite son! – said a strange looking alien, it was a woman. She kissed him with all that spit.
If Napoleon's face were words, you would put that phrase in your grave.
- Where am I? Kip, did you do this?
- No, you did it baby – said another alien with bad breath – you agreed with Donahue. My name is Hermenegilde and you know me from a past life. But don't worry; you will remember everything in a couple of moments.
- I do remember everything! I knew I would have this new appearance but not being in the outer space…
Hermenegilde injected some green liquid in Napoleon's arm, but he was still awake.
- What the hell are you doing?
- I wanted to make you sleep and forget your past…
A human with a funny looking bun entered to the spaceship and Napoleon had a moment of hope thinking he would have an Earth native chum, but nope. He was another alien.
- Hermenegilde, dear sister, what do you want me to do?
She told him in a strange language Napoleon didn't understand, and the man looked directly to his eyes.
- Concentrate in my bun.
He did, and saw unrecognizable faces dancing in his green coat. It began to go round and round.
- Do you feel sleepy? – asked that strange man.
- No, sincerely.
Then, he looked at Napoleon intensely and a green light covered all his face. Cosmic waves acted on his head.
- How do you feel now?
- A little sleepy… - he said yawning - but nothing more than that. And a bit dizzy I must confess.
That personage began a strange dance, a dance from Ireland. He looked like a dwarf. He sang "I'm The Urban Spaceman" of Bonzo Dog Band and jumped.
- What do you feel right now?
- I feel your stupidity, but that's a great song.
- Oh, I almost forgot…
The strange looking man said…
- Sleep and forget all your past. This is a new beginning. Hermenegilde is your lovely wife and that two odious little aliens are your sons.
Napoleon looked at him a bit scared. The humanoid alien putted a helmet in Napo's head and suddenly he was snoring.
Two minutes later, he was acting like a string puppet; doing everything that strange humanoid wanted him to do. Kiss Hermenegilde, hug that odious little aliens, cooking, singing. But he never was required to do one thing…
A strange sound of music came into Napoleon's head, and he felt like dancing. He did something by himself. The music began to play louder, and he danced almost professionally. The strange man was astonished, and clapped his hands; but suddenly…
BLIMEY! The helmet was broken. Not only that; Napoleon became more intelligent. He thought a clever plan to come back to Earth, married Deb and subsisted with an enterprise of funny videos in which Pedro worked. And yes... with that alien body. Deb liked it even more than his original look. Donahue acted being the protagonist a movie of Napoleon's movie enterprise called Napoleon Dynamite.