Title: Never Argue with the Queen
By: Lady FoxFire
Pairing: none that are not cannon
Warning: Muse's sense of humor strikes again
Summary: The Autobots learns a very important lesson about Earth women and why it's best not to disagree with them. This is story #3 'If Things Had Been Different' series
Disclaimer: If I made any profit off of this fic I would take a long vacation but I don't and I can't. All the profits from Transformers goes to someone who isn't me.
Bad Author Notes: This fic would have been out long ago but I caught the flue and lost about a week there and then I had to rewrite chapter 2. And of course story #5 is almost done but I haven't started story #4. I'm seriously thinking of having a mental break down and take a day off from work and kid.
Chapter 1 - The Queen Has Commanded
Three days has passed since Sam brought Jazz back from the dead and in the US Military aircraft hanger, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Sam watched in amusement as Ratchet put Jazz through his paces.
Jazz raced down the obstacle course that Ratchet had designed in his alt mode. He sped in and out of hazard cones, around borrowed military vehicles, transforming to jump over a stack of jersey barriers while firing at a target before transforming back into his alt mode and speeding to the finish line.
Transforming at the finish line, "How did I do, doc?" Jazz asked smugly. "Am I ready for the roads yet?"
"Your speed, agility and transforming ability are at the same level they were before you died," Ratchet reported.
"I hear a 'but' there," Jazz said as he eyed the Autobot medic.
"Your aim is off," Ratchet replied as he looked at the far end of the obstacle course where a mannequin in an orange hoodie standing just to the left of the target, half of its head was missing.
"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" Sam shouted out with a huge grin on his face.
"You bastards!" Bumblebee added in.
Optimus Prime looked down at the youngest Autobot and the new form of the Allspark; his confusion was evident in his stare.
"South Park," Sam replied simply with a shrug of his shoulders.
"And thank you peanut gallery," Jazz grumbled as he glared evilly at the mannequin.
"Glad to be of service," Sam replied as Bumblebee waved happily while Optimus shook his head either at the actions of the two next to him or at what he discovered about South Park.
"I want to run a full battery of tests," Ratchet said. "We need to determine if the source of the problems isn't in one of your higher functions instead of your targeting program."
Jazz groaned, "Come one Doc, everything reads in a green. Maybe the sights on my gun need adjustment," he suggested.
"Jazz let me explain this to you in the simplest of terms," Ratchet said. "You are the first Cybertronian to ever come back from the dead. We have no idea what effect that may have on you."
"Ratchet's right, Jazz," Bumblebee spoke up. "We wouldn't want you to pull a Pet Cemetery."
"He could pull a Night of the Living Dead," Sam suggested to Bee.
"Yeah but would he want to eat human brains or Cybertronian brains?" Bumblebee asked.
"Well technically in the movie they ate human flesh so if he wanted to eat something it would be your body," Sam commented. "Now if he was interested only in your brain he would be pulling a Night of the Creeps."
All the Autobots in the hanger stopped to access the Internet to find the movie.
"Ironhide would hate that movie," Jazz commented with a chuckle. "He hates slimy creatures like that since he was swallowed by one on some backwater world."
"Oh I remember that," Ratchet said with a shake of his head. "I spent 2 Earth weeks cleaning the gunk out of his system."
"It was like in the movie M.I.B when Agent K blasted himself out of the alien cockroach," Bumblebee explained to Sam.
"Well I hope he didn't demand the slug eat him after it ate his gun like Agent K did," Sam commented.
Only when none of the Autobots responded to Sam's comment and spent their time silently looking anywhere but at him did Sam realize the truth.
"No way!" Sam exclaimed his eyes wide with disbelief.
"You have to understand Sam." Optimus said very seriously, "Ironhide… really loves that gun."
Sam stared up at the Autobot leader with a gobsmacked expression before he shook his head. "Ah man," he chuckled at Prime's movie reference. "I didn't know you had it in you Optimus."
"I am a bot of many hidden talents, Sam," Optimus replied.
It was at this time that the one of the doors at the far end of the hanger opened and Ironhide drove in with Captain Lennox at the wheel.
"Speak of the Devil and he shall arrive," Sam announced, grinning like a demon.
Captain Lennox climbed out of Ironhide, immediately noticing something was amiss. "This is not good," he said to himself. "And who killed Kenny?"
"Ah man," Jazz groaned as he crossed his arms over his chest plates.
"So what happened," Ironhide asked after he transformed, "were you kicked out of the Matrix?"
"Too bad for heaven and hell was afraid he would take over," Lennox commented.
"Funny," Jazz said.
"I try," Lennox replied with an 'eat-shit' grin. "So how did you come back from the dead? Last I saw you, you were in two pieces."
"Blame the kid," Jazz replied with a nod of his head towards Sam.
Sam shrugged his shoulders at Ironhide and Lennox's questioning stare. "What can I say? I always wanted to raise a zombie."
"Didn't turn out like you expected," Lennox replied.
"Nope. Too much personality and really bad aim," Sam replied with a glance down at the mannequin.
"Hmmm," Lennox nodded his head in understanding. "You used Worshershire sauce didn't you."
"Yeah. I know I'm not supposed to use it as embalming fluid but they didn't list anything about not using it in replace of enegerion," Sam commented with a straight face.
Ironhide look back and forth between the two humans. "What?"
"It's a reference to a show called South Park, Ironhide," the Autobot leader supplied. "Human ideas of humor."
"Hey at least I didn't say I put one of the Creeps in Jazz's brain," Sam grumbled.
"Creeps?" Lennox asked.
"Night of the Creeps," Bumblebee replied with glee, his optics trained on Ironhide. "It's a human movie."
A massive shiver ran down Ironhide's frame, telling everyone who know the movie reference that Ironhide had located information about it on the World Wide Web.
"That is vile," Ironhide snarled.
Lennox looked back and forth between Ironhide and the other Autobots. "Good movie?"
"Great movie," Sam replied smugly as keep an eye on Ironhide. "Definitely a must rent."
"You do and I'll let your sparkling watch Barney," Ironhide snarled at Lennox.
Lennox looked up at Ironhide in disbelief. "Are you sure you're not a Decepticon?"
"Just because I'm an Autobot doesn't mean I don't know how to play by Decepticon rules," Ironhide snarled.
"Okay. Okay," Lennox said raising his hands up in surrender. "I'm just wanted to know what this movie has you all riled up about."
"Slugs," everyone but Ironhide answered at once.
"Slugs?" Lennox replied as he looked up at his almost bashful partner. "Better not let Sarah find out about it."
"Trust me I don't plan on it," Ironhide replied as he charged up his cannons. "And she better not learn it from anyone."
"Ironhide," Prime said in a chastising tone.
Ironhide grumbled softly as he deactivated his cannons.
Optimus chuckled softly. "So what business brings you here today? I was under the impression that neither of you would be back until the end of next week."
"Yeah. Well something came up," Captain Lennox said as he shifted nervously under Prime's gazed.
"And would that be?"
Lennox glanced up at Ironhide before turning his attention back to the Autobot leader. "Well it's kind of complicated but its… umm… well my wife Sarah… well she decided that Sam should come and live with us until you have a more permanent base."
Those gathered in the temporary base with the exception of Ironhide stared Lennox in confusion.
"Ironhide?" Prime said turning to his weapon specialists.
"It's how Captain Lennox reports, Prime," Ironhide reported. "Sarah Lennox has ordered us to bring Sam to their home."
Ironhide looked down at Lennox who in turned looked up at Ironhide.
Lennox ran a hand over his military hair cut. "Well… you know when Ratchet was relaying Sam and Bumblebee's blowout to everyone. Well Ironhide had me listen in and Sarah kind of overheard everything."
"He had you listening in?" Sam spoke up, his feeling of betrayal evident in his voice.
"It was necessary for Captain Lennox to be allowed to hear what was going on. I wanted human input on boy's emotions since the boy kept refusing to come to us with his problems," Ironhide defended his actions. "How was I to know that female would behave in such a manner?"
"I see," Prime replied. "And I assumed that you explained to Sarah Lennox why that was not possible?"
"Yes, sir," Ironhide said as he snuffled in place guiltily. "However Sarah was very insistent that we find a way to allow Sam to live with the Lennox and the Captain believe he has a solution."
Optimus looked down at Lennox. "Captain Lennox, you do understand it would not be safe for Sam to live with your family. When the Decepticons discover that Sam has the power of the Allspark they will come after him. The Decepticons will stop at nothing to possess him."
"Yes sir, I know and so does Sarah but we think we might have found a way to do it and actual protect my family and Sam more than they are now," Lennox replied. "My home is about 45 minutes from Cheyenne Mountain facility. Ironhide said he can get there in less than 20 minutes by road and a little more than ten minutes if he goes off road."
"It's a very interesting base," Prime said after access the World Wide Web and learning about the military base.
"Yes it is. A Decepticon would have to tear apart a mountain to get to Sam once he's inside of it. Defense Secretary Keller has already granted Sam and anyone with him access to the base if they need it," Lennox explained. "He also mentioned that if it becomes necessary that they can safely evac. Sam from the mountain but he didn't say how."
"You have to admit Prime that the Lennox household would be better suited to take care of Sam than we are at the moment," Jazz pointed out.
"How would Sam and your family be better protected at your residence, Captain Lennox," Ratchet inquired. "I'm assuming the access to Cheyenne Mountain is not the only reason you feel this way."
"You're right. Our plan also depends on Bumblebee being assigned to protect Sam," Lennox explained. "Ironhide has complained more than once that he doesn't like to leave Sarah and Annabelle unguarded when I have to report to the base."
"I see however at this time I think it would be best if Sam remain here," Prime decided, "at least until there are more Autobots present."
Lennox looked up at Ironhide as Ironhide looked down at Lennox.
"She'll do it," Lennox answered Ironhide's unasked question.
Ironhide let out a very human sounding sigh. "You might want to reconsider that Optimus," Ironhide announce. "Sarah Lennox does have a back up plan."
"And what is her back up plan?" Prime asked.
Lennox sighed wearily; his shoulders slumped in defeat. "She said that if Sam can't live with us then we'll live with him. She plans to pack up what she needs and move in here with Annabelle," he explained.
"This is no place for a sparkling, especially for such a small one like Annabelle," Ironhide grumbled.
"Can't you tell your female no?" Jazz asked. "I have found many references on the Internet saying that the woman is weaker than the man and therefore he must guide her and force her to obey when she is being willful."
Captain Lennox and Sam stared at Jazz in shock.
"Ratchet?" Lennox said very softly as he recovered from his shock.
"Yes Captain Lennox?" Ratchet replied.
"If I bring you most of the parts, you think you'll be able to put Jazz back together after Sarah tears him apart?"
Sam let out a snort. "Screw that! You'll be lucky to find any parts if Mikaela or Maggie finds out what he said. Hell, my mom would gleefully turn him into some type of modern art that makes toast."
"Got to love strong women," Lennox remarked.
"Or run away very far and very fast."
"So no telling a human female no?" Jazz asked.
"No you can tell her no and she might even listen to you if you can give a good reason," Lennox said.
"Of course she might bring out her secret weapon and have you caving in to her demands in seconds."
"Secret weapon?" Prime asked his concern evident in his voice at the thought that the humans had a weapon the Autobots did not know of.
"Yeap," Lennox replied with a smirk. "A weapon that no real man or Autobot has any defense against."
Ironhide cross his arms over his chest plates. "I still say your female is evil especially to involve a sparkling in her plans."
Ratchet started to scan on Ironhide for damages. "I do not detected any damages," he reported. "The weapon the female was using must not be very effective against us."
Lennox chucked, "Oh it's effective Ratchet. Very effective."
Ironhide let out a noise that sounded very similar to a human snort. "You should have warned me of her weapon," he snarled.
"When on Earth it's every man for himself when it comes to women," Lennox explained.
"Unless you're pointing out a hot girl or helping a guy obtain every guy's ultimate dream," Sam commented.
"And what is that?" Optimus inquired.
"We'll tale you when you're older," Sam replied.
If it were possible for the Autobots to have a gobsmacked expression this would've been the moment for it to appear.
"So the choices are I either move in with you and your family or you're moving in with me?" Sam said.
Lennox shoved his hands into his pants pockets. "Pretty much."
"Couch or bed?"
"Spare bedroom. Right now I'm on the couch," Lennox replied.
"You said no?"
"Not exactly," Lennox grumbled. "I kind of pointed out all the dangers involved with you moving and she didn't like my negative attitude. So until you move in or we move here I'm stuck on the couch."
"Damn," Sam said simply as he shook his head.
"Yeah. I plan on replacing that couch as soon as this over," Lennox said as he rubbed the small of his back.
Sam shook his head once again. "Can she cook?"
"Her spaghetti is to die for but the rest is hit or miss," Lennox replied. "But it's better than M.R.E."
"Cardboard is better than M.R.E."
"Won't deny that."
"Right," Sam said simply before turning and walking away.
"Sam?" Bumblebee called out. "Where are you going?"
"To pack. There is no way I'm passing up home cooked meals and a real bed."
"Sam I do not think this is the best thing for you to do," Prime said. "Not only do you endanger Captain Lennox's family but yourself and the Allspark."
Sam stopped in his tracks. "Prime remember when I told you there would be day when I would be a bastard well this is me being selfish."
Sam turned and looked at the Autobot leader. "Tell me Prime who is it your fear? Do you think that Bumblebee and Ironhide won't be able to handle a Decepticon or will be unable to get us to that military base in time? Or is it the humans you fear? Do you fear that they will try to kidnap me or use those I grow close to control me?"
"Yes," Optimus said admitting his fear. "While I know there are good humans such as the Lennox and his people, I also know that there are humans who would do whatever they feel is necessary to gain control of you or through you control us. I also fear what would happen if one of my men was forced to harm or kill a human in order to protect you."
"Optimus," Lennox said as he step forward, "I promise you I will do everything in my power to protect Sam and to make sure your men is never in that position in which they would have to kill a human."
"And you have your mate and child to protect, Captain Lennox," Prime countered.
"You do realize that all of you are forgetting something very important," Sam said.
All eyes turn towards Sam. "And what would that be, kid," Jazz asked.
"Me," Sam replied as his eyes started to glow and energy crackled around his fingers.