Seishirou still remembered the weight of the young onmyouji during the years that his sister still lived. He was lighter then, of course, easier to pick up – easier to carry. Still, he was easy. But the years had defined him, drawn out the lean angles of his body and made him more like a man, and now the act of cradling him in his arms alone brought back a wave of remembrance that Seishirou allowed himself a small indulgence in before carelessly flicking it away.
If Subaru were not so different, this could have been just like years ago, just like 'good times.'
Well. Almost. Seishirou allowed himself a small smile, weighing the boy – man? He was a man now, he reminded himself – in his arms. Perhaps he would be a bit lighter if he wasn't dead weight, but there was nothing he could do about that. There was no spell over him now, other than the natural spell of sleep, and by the looks of it, a rather dreamless one. Subaru didn't stir at all, his mouth closed and eyebrows lifted slightly, appearing almost angelic – though he may have seemed even more so were his green eyes not masked beneath closed lids. But then again, he mused as he made his way back to his apartment, being awake would surely trigger emotion after emotion in him – anger, yes, along with all those other foolish things he had yet to capture for himself.
Subaru's eyebrows drew together slightly, barely stirring enough to notice, his head inclining slightly toward Seishirou's chest. Comfortably, almost. If he were completely awake, he doubted Subaru would find himself comfortable in the arms of the man who killed his sister. But sleep – and dreams, another thing Seishirou never seemed to experience – did things to people, often changed their attitudes during the last, elusive moments of waking.
A small flash of green, lips parting slightly…Seishirou allowed himself to keep his eyes fixed on Subaru's face even as he walked. It was…interesting, the development of his waking, his eyes changing slowly from obvious confusion to slight panic and back to sleepiness. Then, slowly, a drowsy sort of recognition formed in his eyes, clouded over by the last remnants of sleep. "Sei…shirou…san." he whispered in pieces, and his tone of voice was not at all marked with anger, but rather, with simple awe. "….what are you…doing?"
can you hear the wind blow from across the great divide?
forces trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here, and not be satisfied?
Seishirou moved about the apartment quietly, ignoring the sleeping form of his prey laying so stilly on the bed. It was good to contemplate sometimes, and even better to do so with such a person laying so close to him. Watching Subaru's sleeping face reminded him of things, a certain sense of déjà vu, as if he had predicted this moment some time before and was only just now realizing it.
As if it carried more significance than what it really was…
But what was it…?
Simple enough, he thought, studying the silent form of the onmyouji. His pale face did nothing to contrast with the stark white of the bed sheets, but his dark hair, cropped closely to his face, seemed to frame his features beautifully. Simple enough, he thought again. He was the Sakurazukamori. If he wanted something, he took it.
Today, he had wanted something.
But what? He had not woken up from his dreamless sleep that morning and thought of Subaru. He had simply thought of the mundane day stretched ahead, of the colorless gray landscape, and his usual smug smile and controlling outlook on the situation was gone. He had wanted something, and all at once that feeling had overcome him – a very childlike feeling, and not very strong at all, but for someone who felt emotions so very little, it was a rather extraordinary thing. He had let himself explore the emotion for quite some time, and again, that strange déjà vu had come over him – so strange, he thought, as he could count the number of times he had felt this sort of thing on the fingers of one hand. And yet it was there, a bizarre start to an otherwise drab day, that feeling.
Subaru had merely been there at the right time.
Speaking of which…
Subaru was stirring again – not tossing about, just moving, tilting his head one way, then the other, his eyes fluttering open and finding the ceiling – certainly, he should be realizing by now, not the same ceiling he should be accustomed to waking up to. He did not slowly push himself out of bed. Rather, he sat up on one jolt, looking around himself wildly.
Obviously, he did not remember being carried home the night before.
"Seishirou-san." he said accusingly when their eyes met at last. Seishirou inclined his head with mock politeness. "Subaru-kun." he said, closing the distance between them smoothly. "You're awake."
In a flash, Subaru was out of bed, but just as quickly, Seishirou seized his arm in a death grip, his fingers digging into the soft flesh easily. Subaru barely suppressed a wince. "Why am I here?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "What are you doing?"
"Kidnapping you." Seishirou repeated patiently.
"Ki…" His voice feel away, and there it was – so predictable, that – the onslaught of emotions that were so very hard to identify. Rather, they were almost like colors, interchanging, one after the other, anger, yes, and confusion, and betrayal. Betrayal looked lovely on him, but it was the anger that fascinated Seishirou the most. After all this time, what he had seen on Subaru's face was never raw, full fury, just a muted sort of version, an anger that was dulled down with the weight of his other emotions. He wondered what real anger – killing anger – would look like on that gentle face.
"Seishirou-san, let go of me." He struggled weakly – pathetically, Seishirou realized, the sort of fight someone would put up when they wanted to get caught. "Let go!"
And there was something else in his eyes, too, Seishirou thought with fascination as he tightened his fingers around Subaru's frail arm.
through this world I wonder, so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved
you speak to me in riddles, you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive
"Would you really like me to?" Seishirou muttered with false sweetness. "Is that what you really want – to get up and go?"
He hesitated, and Seishirou felt the tenseness drain from the onmyouji's body. "Seishirou-san." he repeated. "I…"
There was a moment. Yes, a moment, one of those rare, brief span of just a few seconds in which everything seemed to change. The colors themselves seemed to shift, his wide eyes seemed to undergo a small metamorphosis, his fingers tensed then relaxed again, as if meaning had come to him, a realization, something Seishirou could not touch.
"…I hate you." he whispered barbarically, but at the same time there was unending desire in his eyes.
It didn't make sense. How could he feel such two completely opposite emotions simultaneously with such passion? Interesting, he thought, so interesting, Subaru-kun.
Why don't you hate me? After all, you have every right to.
"What do you want from me." Subaru hissed, taking a step away and leaning forward slightly, as if to take on the beginnings of a defensive stance. Green eyes fixed on him, and Seishirou mused, they really weren't the personification of an angel as they might have been before. No, not even his own twin could mimic that sort of innocence he used to posses. And yet, he didn't miss it. If anything, he found this new Subaru more intriguing, if not more frustrating, more…different. Not so easy to read, he decided quietly. Such a whirlwind of emotion…such a complete opposite of himself.
"I think." Seishirou began at last, "The same question can be asked of you, Subaru-kun. What do you want from me, right now? Why aren't you running away, or trying to hurt me? I killed your beloved sister, and I will kill you. Why are you still hesitating?"
He enjoyed the shifting of emotions in those emerald eyes, the anger, the confusion, the muted humiliation. Questioning himself in such a situation. The Sakurazukamori never questioned himself, and yet here was a boy who did nothing but. It was interesting, yet, but in a distant sort of way, vaguely irritating. Can you not at least arrange yourself into something presentable? Can you not at least become a good enough prey as to not let the enemy simply carry you away from your bed without the slightest resistance? And here you are, weak as ever…
"I'm…leaving." Subaru said finally, turning his face away slowly as if he was afraid to meet the other's eyes. "Don't follow me."
"Leaving?" On a whim, Seishirou stepped in front of him, blocking his path, the first step he took, watching with vague disinterest and continuous irritation at the look of mixed surprise and relief on the youth's features. "I don't think so."
"Move." Subaru whispered.
"But isn't this what you want?" The irritation grew. What was it, this feeling, was it real anger? True frustration? Was Subaru really evoking these things from him with such simple words? No, it couldn't be. Subaru was his, his property, his prey. He was the one in control, not Subaru. "Aren't I what you've been searching for?" he breathed finally, this time finding no enjoyment in the shifting of feeling in Subaru's eyes.
Another moment. No matter, it passed quickly. Subaru's eyes were narrowed now, harder, colder, but still, somehow, deeply the same. "Move." he repeated.
"You forget yourself." Seishirou whispered.
into this night I wonder, the morning that I dread
another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread
and into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
because nothing stands between us now, and I won't be denied.
"I said move!"
His arm lashed out, and Seishirou caught it easily and twisted it behind him without effort, pressing his slender fingers into the small of his back. Subaru gasped, his face turned a shade paler, and then he was being thrown back unto the bed, his wrists pinned efficiently above his head, and…
..why…? Why lose his cool exterior over such a pointless specimen?
Because. Seishirou answered himself, he is my prey, my property. Because.
Because he was the Sakurazukamori, and he did as he pleased.
Because you have no control over me.
The thought entered his head unwanted, and he quickly brushed it away. "Subaru-kun." he purred, and those green eyes glared back up at him after their initial shock. "I have no intention of moving."
"What do you want!" Subaru all but screamed at him, giving one vicious, twisted struggle before falling hopelessly still. "Everything, Seishirou-san, I gave you everything, and you tore it all to pieces! What else do you want from me?"
"Death." he breathed.
A strange look crossed his features. "Then kill me." he whispered, and then the young onmyouji did the most extraordinary thing. He leaned forward against his bonds and pressed their lips together briefly before falling back against the bed sheets, looking exhausted, as if he had just accepted some terrible fate. "…please." he finished softly. "Kill me."
Seishirou felt his lips curl into a sneer. Emptily, he tilted his head to one side, watching his captive's face intently. "So interesting." he whispered. "But…"
No. You have no control over me.
"You are mine." he said slowly. "You belong to me. I shall kill you whenever I like."
"Not now…" Subaru muttered, closing his eyes briefly, and he smiled thinly. "Perhaps. Who knows?" he replied elusively.
"I – " Subaru began, and almost instinctively Seishirou leaned down and brought their lips together. Whatever Subaru was going to say next, he was not in the mood to hear it. Subaru jumped beneath him for a moment, going completely rigid then deathly limp. No struggle. No sign. A spark of something, something, remembering carrying the youth home in his arms, as if that's what he had meant to do all along, as if everything was part of some greater plan, but not him, not Seishirou.
You have no control over me…
…and I will possess you…
I will be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away
and after I wipe away the tears
just close your eyes, dear
He forced Subaru's mouth open with his tongue, kissing with bruising force, and there was no love behind it – there was nothing behind it, because he was a killer, and he did not feel. Subaru made a small noise beneath him that he could not interpret. And then, after a moment that seemed to last an eternity, it was over, and Subaru was breathing heavily, his face turned to one side, seeming to see something that was not there.
There were tears on his face.
"Why are you crying?" Seishirou murmured, reaching forward to touch the salty substance as if touching it could give it some greater significance. "Subaru-kun."
Subaru swallowed and said nothing.
"After all, isn't this what you want? Tell me, are you happy…?" he leaned forward, close enough so that Subaru could feel his breath on his skin, and carefully licked the tears away. "…or are you sad?"
His face turned. Seishirou had never seen his eyes this closely before. They seemed infinite, green pools that stretched on forever, but at the same time darkened over the years, hardened, attempted to be guarded from the forces that had hurt him before.
Such a foolish thing.
"Seishirou-san…" Subaru repeated, blinking slowly up at him. "…what do you feel?"
Seishirou stared at him for a long moment. A sharp of something – something, stabbed him low in the stomach, something alien, but no, no, it was nothing, nothing, through it seemed to float above him and engulf him, suffocating him, this feeling…
What do you feel?
"…close your eyes." Seishirou said flatly, bringing his hand up over Subaru's forehead. Subaru began to sit up with a start, probably realizing what was happening, the fool, but then the spell took hold and he slumped back, his body making a soft thump against the bed.
"Nothing." he answered at last, staring down at Subaru's sleeping form. "I feel nothing."
He turned around. Perhaps it wasn't to late to go outside and smoke a cigarette, to take his mind off of things. "Still." he whispered as he closed the door behind him.
You…have no power…over me.
Seishirou looked down at his hands for a long moment, thinking.
"Subaru-kun." he breathed, and the fingers which had reached to extract his cigarette closed slowly and tightly over it, crushing it.
and after I wipe away the tears
just close your eyes, dear