More RK for everyone! Although this one is angst… but its one of the longest thing I have written in a while. I don't own anything as always.
Remember, Reflect and then Remorse
Lately my heart has been hurting, I don't know why though. I thought I finally gotten rid of my heart already, but I think it is still here. Remember, don't tell Gramps. I don't want to get hit again, like the last time I told him that I liked someone, it was only a joke. So anyways, back on to the topic of my heart hurting. It is just a gentle continuous thud throughout the day.
When I lie down in bed and stare up at the ceiling late at night that is when it hurts the most. Like when my eyes are closed and all my limps feel heavy from the whole days' work, my heart starts to wrench, as if someone was squeezing the life right out of it. I don't know how to describe it, it's like when you are missing someone so much but know that you will never get to see them again.
Crap, as I am writing this, my brain finally clicked.
I really thought I had forgotten about him. I really wished I could, but everything in my body is shouting his name.
Stupid journal, why did you made me remember him? Great, now I am blaming a journal of all things for my supposedly-gone heart.
He laid down his pen in frustration as he held his head in annoyance. The notebook lay sprawled on the wooden table. He rubbed at his eye and leaned back in the chair, carefully he balanced it so that the chair was only standing on two legs. He rocked dangerous back and forth; his head was in the clouds.
"What are you doing right now?" He asked no one in particular.
His words hang in the musty air of his room.
"Do you even miss me?"
His chair thumped against the wooden floors and his body was thrown forwards. He kept his balance and remained seated in the chair. He looked at his half finished journal entry and picked up his pen again. Placing the point at the sheet of paper, he thought of what else he could possibly write.
The point touched the paper, twice then three times as he gnawed at the end of the utensil. He gave a deep sigh, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to write anymore, at least not for now, he closed the journal and stood up.
Sniffing at the musty wet air he walked over to the window, careful not to step on the stray pieces of papers that lay on the floor. It has been raining, for the past two days. That's why Bookman and him didn't do anything except stayed in their respective motel rooms and finished their own business.
Reaching out he unclasped the simple lock that held the window together before the two framed panes of glass swung out and the freshly moist air rushed in. He looked out at the small town that they arrived in two weeks ago, its street lamps flickered in the dark. He could still see the light drizzle of rain in the distance; their yellow orange glowed from afar.
He leaned on the edge of his window and held out a hand, water droplets gathered at the palm before sliding effortlessly off of his skin. He looked up at the sky, it was pure darkness, it was the shade of dark that you couldn't see a finger even if it was right up against your face. He blinked and continued to stare; it was a never ending swirl of black.
He noticed that it was the exact same shade as his hair.
He groaned as he averted his gaze as quickly as that thought crossed his mind.
"Do you miss me?" He asks again.
But no one answered.
He stared outside, and the rain continued to fall despite the throb that rings out in his heart.
"Yuu! Yuu! Yuu-chan! Don't ignore me!" A red head pouted as he caught up with the other.
"Don't call me that." The other continued to walk faster, away from him.
"Come on, Yuu, you don't hate me." The red head was now walking side by side with the other.
"How do you know?" Kanda finally stopped and looked at the other with an annoyed frown on his face.
"Because you haven't cut me with Mugen yet." The red head replied simply with another one of his grins in place.
Kanda bit his lips avoiding the murderous rage that was slowly building up. His fist shook at his side; he finally gave up trying to prevent himself from hurting the other. His arm darted out and his fist connected with the other's stomach.
"Go die Rabi." He swiftly turned around and walked off. His stomps sounded out angrily against the tiles of the hallway.
"Thanks Yuu." He gasped out.
Rabi winced in pain as he clutched at his stomach, he could already feel the bruise that was forming over his abdomen. He reminded himself to never ever tease Yuu about him being nice, the result was never great.
"You are welcome." Kanda called back as he turned the corner of the hall.
The red head's dry laughter rang out lightly in the dead of night. "What pathetic memories to be reminded of." His quiet remark broke the silence that filled the night.
Why was it now that his heart started to hurt?
"Why did you come back?" He cursed at himself.
"Yuu, I was depending on you to take my heart and shred it to pieces."
"How can it come back, still beating after all the pain I made you go through?"
His head was clouded with memories he was suppose to have forgotten already, he wasn't ready to be sent on another guilt trip. Not now, not when he finally thought he forgotten about the way his body felt against his.
But now it was too late, all those feelings, all those suppressing he gone through to keep his feelings to a minimum, he lost the key and the lock is broken, their bonds have snapped and his heart was announcing its return.
"Guess what, Yuu." He had the other trapped against a corner of his room.
"What?" The other dead-panned replied him, glare in his eyes.
"I like Yuu." His body was pressed right up against the other's.
"This is the third time this week you told me." The other rolled his eyes but didn't do anything. "And it's only Tuesday."
"I just wanted you to know." He shrugged indifferently, his grin unaffected on his face.
"I know now, you can get off anytime." The Japanese blew a strand of stray hair away form his eyes only to have it fall right back to where it was.
He leaned down and pressed his lips against the other as he brushed the strand behind his ear. The bruising force he has on the other's lips kept him from moving, his hands cupped the other's cheek and held him closer.
"Hmm…" Kanda murmured into the red head's lips, he couldn't help as his eye lids slid close.
Rabi licked the other's lips in amusement as he saw the flushed cheeks and the irregular tempo of Yuu's breathing. The Japanese slowly parted his lips, lost in the pleasure the other was giving him. He sucked at his bottom lip, drawing blood to the surface, it now gleamed a rosy red that matched his cheeks.
He pulled back and marveled at the work he has done and grinned in satisfaction. Oh how delicious his Yuu was now…
"Snap out of it Rabi." A stern voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked down; the usually rude Japanese was still trapped between his body and the wall. "Its uncomfortable, my back is hurting against the wall."
"Then let's bring it to a more comfortable place, eh Yuu?" He took a hold of the other's waist and dragged him away from the wall.
"What are you doing to me Yuu?"
"Is this revenge for what I did to you?"
He tilted his head to the side before realizing that goose bumps have appeared on his bare arm. He pulled back and closed the window in the process; he hadn't realized how cold the night was. He rubbed his hands together for warmth. Leaning against the window he surveyed the room, he just remembered that it had a very similar layout as the rooms back at the Black Order.
His room would always be covered with papers and Yuu would always complain how messy it was. Even thinking about it caused a thin smile to his lips. He never imagined that Yuu was someone who kept everything neat but then again his room didn't have many things, you could count all the things in the room with one hand.
And every time when he left for missions, Yuu would go into his room and clear it out. When he came back his floors would no longer be covered with papers, it would be bare and then it was his turn to go and complain to Yuu about how he couldn't find anything.
"You hate me." He placed a piece of paper to the side.
"You hate me not." He took another piece and laid it in another pile.
"You hate me." The pile grew as he continued.
"You hate me not…" He trailed off as he picked up a sheet of paper. On it was Yuu's hand writing and five simple words.
Rabi, I hate you. －Yuu
"You hate me." And then he laid the piece of paper on to the pile.
He sat there on the ground, body shivering from the cold. His body trembled as crystal clear tears rolled down his cheek. He didn't notice until the droplets splashed on to the wooden floor boards, creating a darker stain.
He didn't get it, why was he crying for someone that hated him?
He couldn't even stop himself as the continuous flow of pain rushed out. He sobbed to himself and the rain continued to fall. The light pounding of each drop splashed on to the pane of glass. Each drop of tear that he shed caused him remember the pain, the look of hurt on Yuu's face.
"Why does my heart hurt so much?" He gasped out.
"You are leaving, aren't you?" He came up to him and spoke gently. His long hair was mused, it was if he had just gotten out of bed, his hair was still down, and his bangs covered his eyes. The red head couldn't see what the other was feeling.
"Yeah, I am." So he just answered the question.
He gave a dry laugh that hurts him more than tears ever could.
"I knew it." He finally looked up. His eyes weren't wet as most suspected, his eyes were dried but his icy blue orbs held nothing but a dangerous flow of hurt. His eyes were like shattered panes of glass that reflected nothing but the regret that the other felt.
His voice hardened as he glared at the red head. "Then why did you say you will love me forever?"
"Because I will." The red head replied as he shrugs averting his gaze from the Japanese.
"Your last day, and you are still lying to me?" He shook his head and turned around.
"I am so naïve to believe you actually meant what you said." He never turned around again; he had no reasons to see the red head. But Rabi couldn't blame him; after all it was his fault that he was leaving the other forever.
"Good bye Rabi."
"If that's even your name anymore."
He stood there in the hallway as his eye followed after the other till he disappeared around the bend. His arms shook by his sides, unintentional his fist shot out and he punched the wall in frustration.
The bits of cement cracked and fell to the floor as he let loose of his fist. His arm now throbs with pain but it was nothing compared to the way his heart was bleeding.
Good Bye Rabi.
Those three words haunted me, even as I stepped on to the boat in the underground water tunnel of the Black Order. I didn't see you anywhere but I couldn't expect you to see me off as if I was just going on another mission
Good Bye Rabi.
The boat wobbled underneath our weight, the people of the Order waved lightly and we did too. I didn't remember any of their faces; none of them were the people that I spent days and nights with, fighting for our innocence.
Good Bye Rabi.
Allen, Rinali, Miranda, Krory, none of them were there. Komui gave me a bitter look as if saying: how could you do this to us. I averted my gaze and looked down at my hands. I couldn't look at them now; no it was impossible to face them. Their looks of disgust, betrayal and hate. It was all too much.
Good Bye Rabi.
Good bye to you too. I never got to say it to you; you left without hearing me out. But I knew I could never give you a good enough explanation. I just felt so guilty, I looked away from Gramps, I didn't want to look at him now. I was afraid at what I may do to him. Yes, he was my mentor but you were my everything that I thought I could forget.
Good Bye Rabi.
Yes, this was good bye. We were never going to see one another again. That's just it. No more you and me together. That day I really thought I could forget you like all those pretty boys and girls that my aliases loved before you.
I never thought you were any different except for the fact that I truly have fallen for you.
I just can't seem to forget about Yuu. The truth is, I still miss him.
-Wipes tears- Oh crap, did I make it too angst-y? I am not sure whether I should put more chapters to this; I have a couple of ideas in mind, but I haven't started on any of them. Let's just see how you all thought of it. Review?