I'm going to put all of the extra stuff that I need said at the end. So any WTF questions you might have will be answered in the end.
It was a beautiful cloudy day in our beautiful town of Forks. Bella Swan was swarming around her house getting her things together when her beautiful vampire boyfriend knocked on the door.
Hey, is it beautiful by some chance?
She opened the door and grinned stupidly. "Hi! Just a minute."
Edward waited patiently and leaned on the doorframe.
"Lezgo!" she exclaimed and leaped towards the steps.
The two kiddies drove down the street toward the school. Bella turned the radio on the heavy rock station and was proceeding to try to head bang. She looked like a complete asshole.
Edward chuckled to himself, for he found this completely endearing. He would.
The stupid shiny Volvo owner pulled into the parking lot of the school and eased into a spot effortlessly.
The day went by rather quickly for both Bella and Edward. Alice had a vision of some skank buying the exact purple dress that she wanted, which was on clearance, and left school early. Jasper was freaking out because the school psychiatrist went on a frenzy with almost every student in the building and he couldn't figure out whether he felt lost and abandoned or if it was the kid down the hall. Needless to say, he left early as well.
Come Biology, Bella wasn't in any mood to be in school anymore. She couldn't help but think of her next class: PE. They were doing physical testing, and she would have to run two miles just so the teacher could tell her what an awful athlete she was. What a festive thought.
Mr. Banner entered the room and turned off the lights.
"Good afternoon, class. Our principal asked me to show you the required Sex Ed video today…just sit tight. Doodle if you really don't care, I know some of you don't need it." He winked subtly.
"What a freakin' creep!" Bella gasped.
Edward's face was contorted with disgust. "That's quite the understatement."
He shook his head. "Never mind."
"Always mind! You shall tell me!"
"Later," he whispered. "The delicious movie is starting."
"Yum," she retorted sarcastically.
Sometime during the middle of the video, as Bella was drawing a detailed stick figure portrait of her and Edward, she felt a nudge in her side. She looked towards Edward, who nodded his head ever so inconspicuously towards the teacher. He was staring straight at her with an attempted crooked smile. It looked like he was born disfigured. He looked away almost as soon as she looked up.
She wrote, "What?" on a piece of paper and slid it to Edward.
He passed back the same piece of paper, and under her scribble it said, "I'll tell you later…" in beautiful calligraphy.
She sighed dramatically. "Fine," she wrote on the paper. "I guess I'm used to this."
Edward smiled and turned his fictitious attention back to the video. I'm sure he's pretty damn educated by now.
Once the video was finally finished and the bell rang, Edward stood gracefully and scooped up both his and Bella's books.
She groaned. "Time for gym."
"How about we skip that unnecessary torture today?"
She smiled brightly. "Great! Now, do I pretend to throw up or pass out in your arms?"
He scripted quickly on a piece of paper and showed it to her. "Or you can get a legitimate note from your father." He winked at her.
"Now, why can't you just do this every day?" She giggled.
"Well, then, your very observant teacher would start to get suspicious."
He guided her out of the classroom. Just before he walked out of the door he shot a quick glance at Banner. It was met with the teacher's own eyes. He obviously didn't know what he was in for.
As soon as they got through the main office and out the door, Bella's eyes were beginning to question. Then her mouth followed by example.
"What was that all about?"
"I'm sure it's…nothing, Bella."
"What was that pause? Why am I always missing a vital piece of information?"
"It's only because you don't have superhuman powers, silly."
"I am not being silly! You can't just keep me in the dark, you know."
"Fine. I'll shine some light on your perspective," he agreed.
"Thank you," she said, surprised by how easily he had given in, but still firm.
"Well, let's start out with this: pretend I couldn't read minds. You didn't find anything suspicious about Mr. Banner today?"
"Not really. He's kind of an awkward sort, but that's every day. I mean, what was that remark about? He basically called Jessica Stanley a whore."
"Why do you say Jessica?" he asked.
"Because she's a whore."
"Simple enough. She did throw herself at—"
"Don't change the subject!"
"Bella, this shouldn't be too difficult to figure out…"
"Thank you for undermining my intelligence and female intuition. Now tell me so that I don't feel stupid anymore."
"Banner is a perverted potential pedophile," he said simply.
"Bella, be serious."
"I am being serious!" she insisted. "I honestly don't think he is."
"Remember how we said we were going to pretend that I couldn't read minds? That's sort of over."
"Oh yeah. That. Well, what did he think?"
"I'd rather not…But please trust me."
"You're so cute and virtuous!" she said, bubbliness coloring her voice.
He rolled his eyes. "You know that that isn't at all what this is about." Pretty far from virtuous if you ask me…
"Well, I don't know anything, you said so yourself," she teased.
"Silly girl," he said, a smile in his voice. "You know everything. Give yourself some more credit."
"Eh. I think I'd rather focus on the fact that we have a hormonal middle-aged man teaching us Sex Education. But thanks!"
Edward laughed. "Well, that's a way to put it."
He cocked his head. "Oh…kay?"
Edward had other things on his mind, so he chose to not press this one conversation. It obviously wasn't going very far.