Author's Notes: This is really an attempt at humor - and my sense of humor's a hit-or-miss, so if you don't find yourself laughing (or having a reaction close to it), no, there's nothing wrong with you; my sense of humor is at fault. Anyway, this plot bunny just bit me in the aft hard one day: What if Sam writes a 'Survival Guide' of sorts on living with the Autobots?, and I came up with this. I like making lists (it can be fun) hence, the list-style format of the story. 2007 movieverse mixed with some G1 elements and characters. This is entirely written in Sam's point-of-view. Un-betaread, unedited (like all my works), so I apologize in advance for all the grammar, spelling and/or typographical errors. Lots of love, virtual hugs and kisses, and thank yous to all who will read, and read and review. Happy reading.
Summary: Sam decides to write a survival guide on living with the Autobots: not quite an Autobots-for-Dummies, but more Guidelines-you-should-follow-to-avoid-getting-squished-by-giant-robots-from-outer-space.
Warning: Some suggestive themes(?)
Sam Witwicky's Guide on Living with the Autobots
1. You can talk to Optimus Prime about any thing, even your Calculus homework – but he wouldn't do it for you. Same with Bumblebee; but if you implore him enough and use the puppy-dog-eyes face, Bumblebee will give in.
2. Don't piss Ratchet off (and this is fairly easy to do – just don't show up on your physical check-up, or bug him when he's working on someone in the med bay), unless you have a deathwish.
3. Never call Sunstreaker Sunny, Streaks, or Sunshine if you don't want to end up on the wrong side of a pulse cannon. And if you do find yourself in this situation, get out of it by appealing to Sunstreaker's vanity and telling him that his current paint job is awesome.
4. Hanging out with Sideswipe is fun, but be prepared to be blamed for practical jokes of epic proportions that you did not commit.
5. When you're with the Lamborghini twins, you're always at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
6. Never say Yes to any of Wheeljack's proposals, unless Ratchet and Optimus Prime approve, and assure you that you will not die from said proposals.
7. If Ratchet, Wheeljack, or any of the Autobots tell you Don't touch it, then don't touch it, period.
8. Perceptor makes a great tutor, but be prepared for hours of boring scientific dissertations.
9. Gawking at femmes is rude in the same way as ogling human females is disrespectful. Arcee may be pink, white, and purple, but she can kick your aft, or any mech's for that matter.
10. When you're racing Hot Rod, you'll always lose. Be a good sport.
11. Don't bring any pets to the Autobot base. Only Bumblebee and Optimus Prime can tolerate pets, and to some degree, Sidewsipe, because he thinks he can use pets (especially chihuahuas who aren't housebroken) in his schemes. And do not, I repeat, do not even think about having Ironhide look after your pet, ever, or chaos will ensue.
12. When every mech is drunk from high-grade energon, find a safe hiding place, or better yet, just get the hell out of there. Drunk giant alien robots are highly dangerous; you might get squished by one, and the mech wouldn't even know nor remember that it happened.
13. Sober or otherwise, don't let Ratchet near power lines.
14. When playing Counter-stike, always team-up with Ironhide – he will eliminate all your enemies in record time. When you're playing Warcraft though, make sure you're in the same team as Optimus or Ultra Magnus.
15. Don't ever suggest playing Dance Dance Revolution to Bumblebee or Jazz – for one thing, there are no dance pads that can accommodate giant robots, and second, it will cause an earthquake. Smack Glen in the head if he ever suggests a mech-human dance off.
16. If you want to hear a good story about Cyberton, and the Cybertonian way of life, Kup is the mech you should go to.
17. Record all your conversations with Blur in mini cassette tapes, then play them back later on low on battery mini cassette players so that his speech will slow down in a tolerable speed, and you will understand what you actually talked about.
18. If you need brute force to accomplish something, ask Grimlock for help.
19. Do not disturb Prowl with petty, illogical concerns (Do robots dream of electronic sheep? Say silk ten times, then tell me what cows drink., etc.) unless you want to get thrown in the Autobot's equivalent of a detention cell with only Sideswipe and Sunstreaker as company.
20. And lastly, when you're caught in the middle of a battle with the Decepticons, remember the golden rule: Stay Out of the Way.
This guide was written for all human inhabitants of New Iacon, the Autobot base of operations on Earth, to enlighten them on the do's and don'ts of sharing a roof with the Autobot faction of Cybertron. This document is not comprehensive, but it does cover all the essentials. I hope it will be of help to you, one of the few privileged persons to know of the existence of the Autobots and to be allowed lodging in New Iacon. You can take this seriously or not – it's up to you, but don't say you weren't warned.
Primus bless you.
- Sam Witwicky