You Would, Niou
by Collapse Overture
Disclaimer: I own neither Prince of Tennis, nor the words 'Banana Hammock'. Sadly.
A/N: I was saying this all night last night because an episode of Scrubs was stuck in my head, and J.D. kept saying it. XD It made me think of Niou, and I figured, "You would, Niou. You so would." it is. Technically terrible Rikkai!crack.
Warnings: Niou. Misuse of the words 'banana hammock'. And molesting. All go in part with our favorite trickster.

Niou Masaharu was far too playful this morning. Something about him had changed . . . and he was quieter than usual, much to everyone's surprise, as well as Yanagi's delight. It was a great day to collect data. But still, they all were wondering the same thing - what exactly was wrong with Niou that made him so quiet?

Rikkai's Junior Ace was, as usual, out of the loop and late to practice. Silently, his seaweed-headed self weaseled its way through the crowd of regulars to look at his silver-haired senpai stare off into space, an unusual mellow look upon that usually tricky face.

"Niou-senpai?" he questioned, stepping closer to the taller boy. "Niou-senpai, what's -" He was immediately cut off by strong arms that pulled him to a firm chest. Yanagi-senpai. ". . . Senpai?" He blinked up, confused, at the data collector. Yanagi quickly held up his free hand, silencing his kouhai. He wasn't missing out on a great day for data-collecting. This was too rare.

With the loudest player quiet, Rikkai Dai's regulars continued to watch the equally silent trickster who was still looking off into space. They all had to suppress the urge to say "Ooh, aah" aloud. It was truly fascinating to watch Niou act this way. But, for some reason, Kirihara seemed to be worried about it. Underneath Yanagi's arms, he fidgeted uncomfortably, as if just waiting for Niou-senpai to strike with a random swordfish that he stole from Rokkaku. But he just sat there, the only silence reverberating through the courts was a loud, echoing pop of Marui's bubblegum on the edges of his grinning lips.

Sanada was getting impatient. He begrudgingly willed himself to not shout 'TARUNDORU' randomly in the trickster's ear, though he was sure that that'd wake the silver-haired boy from his subconscious reality. The captain simply smiled, knowing full-well that it was killing his vice-captain to not stop the madness. Yagyuu cleared his throat, pushing up his glasses. He was used to Niou-kun, and he couldn't even figure out what was wrong with the boy.

Then, suddenly, Niou stood, eyes blank, and turned to face his team, a slow smirk crossing his features. Kirihara shivered slightly at the smirk and tried to scram away from Yanagi-senpai's grip, but found himself unable. He had been right about being worried. Niou-senpai could not be trusted, even when catatonic.

"Yanagi-senpai, let me go! Niou-senpai's -" He froze immediately when he saw the yellow-clad firm chest of Niou standing at his eye-level. That was it. Time to run. Now or never. He chose now.

Breaking from Yanagi's grip, Kirihara ran towards the clubroom, opened the door, and locked it immediately. There was no way he was letting Niou-senpai capture him. The last time the trickster had been that close to him, all his regular tennis clothing was taken off and used for a quiet game of 'Capture the Flag'. And the time before that . . . Kirihara was used as the subject in a very frightening game of 'ManHunt'. Never again would he trust Niou-senpai.

Hearing a scream from none other than Marui-senpai, the ebony-haired junior cringed. So Niou'd used someone else to get to. . . . Poor Marui-senpai.

Then, a very polite grunt came from Yagyuu-senpai. Did Niou-senpai really attack his own doubles partner? he thought, hiding in the corner. He heard the gate close, a 'tsk, tsk' sound having come from Jackal. And the only sound he heard of 'Mura-buchou had been a giggle, followed by a loud crash, and Sanada yelling 'T-TARUNDORU!' . . . Niou must have spared Yanagi-senpai, he thought with a relieved sigh as he heard scribbling and a muttered 'Ii data'.

Sighing in relief, the youngest regular unlocked the door and stepped out to find the redhead lying on the ground, Yagyuu shaking his head as he leaned against a tree, Sanada sitting next to a still-giggling Yukimura, and no sign of Niou (or Jackal, obviously). "What did I -" he started, but stopped as soon as he had, his back having been pressed hard into the now closed door of the clubroom. He found himself pinned hard against the wood, eyes tightly closing as the silver-haired boy slowly leaned close to his ear.

Niou's tongue darted out to lick the shell lightly before he spoke in a low, seductive voice. "Banana hammock," he whispered, smirk never fading, and pulled away from a dazed and shivering kouhai, pleased with himself. The junior slowly slid to the ground, all sounds coming from the other regulars drowning out as the two words rung in his ears. What was a 'banana hammock,' anyway?

As Kirihara locked himself in the clubroom, Niou smirked, nodding to the rest of the regulars. They had planned to somehow embarrass and scare their favorite kouhai, and realized that Niou was the perfect person for the job. He whispered the rules to them, saying that he'd walk to each and whisper the same thing to them, and they'd each need their own reactions to make it believable.

One by one, the trickster walked up to his teammates, starting with Marui Bunta. He whispered in his ear, smirking all the while. "Banana hammock."

The redhead's eyes widened, and he let out an ear-curdling scream before collapsing onto the ground. He hadn't expected that from Niou, but he shouldn't have been entirely shocked, either, though it did spark the other players' attention.

Onward to Yagyuu, Niou thought, smirking at his doubles partner. He leaned in close, whispered the two words before nipping at the gentleman's earlobe softly, earning himself a rather polite grunt. Oh, how he loved Yaaagyuu's sounds. But before he could make his way over to the resident Brazilian, Jackal was already at the gate, scolding them all with a resounding 'tsk, tsk'. He was no fun.

Smirk returning, he made his way over to Yukimura, the captain preparing himself for anything with a smile. His smirk only widened when he saw his vice-captain cringe when Niou got close to Yukimura. Shrugging, he leaned in towards the blue-haired boy's ear and whispered the words, causing the sadist to giggle.

Sanada had had enough. He quickly walked towards Niou, intent on yelling at him to stop whatever nonsense he was doing, but the said boy grasped the collar of his uniform and tugged him down. "Banana hammock," he whispered directly into Sanada's ear, purposely breathing into it to make him shiver.

"T-TARUNDORU!" Sanada did his best at yelling, hand immediately covering his ear while his other shoved the trickster away. Yukimura began giggling again. Yanagi scribbled something down into his databook before closing it, nodding.

"Ii data."

Niou grinned and turned to Yanagi, winking. Took him long enough to get the data.

Quickly, and silently, Niou made his way around to the side of the clubroom, hiding. He knew that after Yanagi's loud-enough muttering of 'Ii data,' Kirihara would emerge from hiding, thinking he was safe. Everyone else was in their planned positions, though Yagyuu simply ignored it and leaned against the tree, and Jackal had left.

The clubroom door opened, and out came Kirihara.

- Owari -

- Omake -

"Hey, Niou-senpai," the ebony-haired junior started and bit his lip, fidgeting with the bottom hems of his tennis uniform. The trickster gave his trademark smirk and looked to his favorite kouhai.

"Yeah, brat?"

The small hands continued to fidget with the yellow shirt as if he was searching for the right words.

When Kirihara didn't continue, Niou grabbed the smaller boy's chin and turned him to face him. "Well?"

The amazing pools of green closed, and he repressed the urge of leaning down to kiss him. Then, finally, the eyes reopened, and the boy spoke again, though softly.

"What's a banana hammock?"

The trickster snickered, releasing the smaller boy's chin with a muttered 'Puuurii'. The junior pouted, looking up expectantly.

"I'll tell you when you're older."

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