A/N: I noticed I haven't named Liara's partner in these stories, so she'll be named Belinda Shepard; a created female Shepard. As for alignment, here's how it's set up:
Kaidan/Jane Shepard: Both Renegade. Played the game awhile back with Renegading Kaidan, so I only feel for now that it should be in the style of laughter and fun. I don't think I can write it in a serious way; though, perhaps it would be an interesting fanfiction if written professionally.
Ashley/JohnShepard: Not sure, yet, right now: neutral.
Liara/Female Shepard: Neutral, smatterings of paragon/renegade.
I've gotten a couple requests to continue this comedy, so okay, have at it, and enjoy the ride.
Part I: Female Shepard/Liara: Chohe and Dreams.
"Mind and body, Shepard." Liara said, wistfully. Her eyes were wide, the straight gentle brows thinned out more than usual, and her lovely curves moved elegantly, over the sinewy curves of her commander. They were on the commander's bed, darkened room, with only the terminal's monitor lights haloing their bodies.
Belinda mumbled something incoherent, her eyes were half closed as well. They have been taking their time exploring each other's body and mind. Though Belinda was becoming quite addled by the images that Liara managed to inject in her, and she had to place her strong hands against the other's chest.
"Wait…" Shepard warned, "I can't. Not right now."
"Why, Shepard, is it lieutenant Alenko?" Liara asked, concerned. They have just gotten back from Virmire, and the events that had passed took a toil on the commander. She had pulled out some of her red hairs, due to the enormous stress. Her eyes were red rimmed now, and the sobs that threatened to spill were pushing out from beneath her belly, inching past her chest and onto her nose and open pores.
Tears started to form around Belinda's eyes, gliding past the bottom lashes, wetting her cheeks, and her head hung low, with red clumps of hair messy from the exertion.
"I can't believe I sacrificed him on Virmire, Liara. I can't. I just can't."
They have been sitting there on Belinda's bed, being close and loving, after a side quest, and they've taken the time to unwind, while everyone was out on shore leave.
"I understand," Liara interjected, "You were about to pick Williams but then Alenko had come on to you earlier, making it very clear that he liked you and you panicked. You thought that he would jeopardize your sanity by making advances."
"No. Yes. No." Shepard shook her head, mumbled, "I flirted with him endlessly, Liara, I'm sorry. And then I don't want to have to choose between you and him. I am more attracted to you."
Liara smiled, very pleased, "I know, commander, but why lead him on like that?"
Shepard ignored that, "But you see," Belinda wrinkled her nose, and snorted in an oncoming uncomfortable flem that was aggressively trying to come out; she reached with the side of her back hand and glided it across her nose, wiping off the snot, "I'm a bad leader! I can't even save my crew. Wah! I should be shot and killed by a commando."
"No. No…." Liara cried with her, "I- I- No….Mother! I – No."
Shepard looked up, confused, "huh?"
"Oh." Liara flustered, "seeing you like this, reminded me of the flashes I had on Noveria with my mother. So you see, I can relate."
"It's not the same, Liara. You don't understand us, humans."
"I'm trying, Shepard. I've been observing you all, the way you interact with each other, the connection of the entire human crew. You're all very fascinating subjects to watch."
Shepard then looked angry, red thick brows furrowed in mystified bewilderment, her nose equally as red as her hair, sniffing loudly, "We're not a bunch of laboratory rats you can take home to your home world and dissect, doctor."
"Oh no! No.' Liara stumbled, her words failing, "I didn't – I didn't mean…"
"Relax. I'm joking."
"Joking? Again? I'm afraid I'm not aware of such a concept. You humans have very strange cultural differences from us. Asaris do not understand unless we mind meld to another species, and therefore, this process of evolution shall be imprinted upon our minds and have better understanding. If you'll allow me, Commander, I would like to share your mind and body by joining again."
"Again?" Belinda pouted, and was fast becoming tired of such an excruciating process, though she didn't mind wholly the joining 'body' part. She grinned, "Well, all right. If it's for a good cause. But can you just lay off the hearts and balloons, and puppies and children for a while? It's just that…it kind of turns me off."
"I thought your species loved these images, I have looked it up on the extranet, but only after Dr. Chakwas managed to place a parental control on my viewing privileges, saying that I shouldn't be looking at such graphic images."
"Graphic? What have you been looking at, Liara?"
Liara flustered again, "Oh no. No. No. Nothing drastically evil, if that is what you believe or are concerned about; but rather, sites that expose man and woman, woman and woman, man and man to such substantial degree of state of undress, sparing no costs in clothing and skin on skin, that I'm wont to harbour such inquisitiveness of unfathomable attention of your species; for the reason that which not only do yours have a male counterpart with superfluous --shall I say, outside interference, that somehow is connected to the procedure of mating and insertion of fluid means, carrying those of genetic material; spurring me on, that I'm fascinated above and beyond on these levels of what is perceived as the human's primordial rituals, in which even I, an asari must find such great respect that such species can maintain such a ceremony should take a more sacrificed approach; having the agonizing modus operandi that females may only bear offsprings to such a degree of pain and torment, that I am repeatedly, wont to feel more empathy upon the more gentler of your species."
Shepard was already lost halfway, almost fast asleep, "huh? What'd you say, doctor? Something about giving birth and sex?"
"Would you like me to repeat it again?"
"No. Please….No." Shepard whined, about to pull her hair again, "I've enough trouble in my mind as it is. I can't take anymore." She stopped, blinked, "Why would you feel pity on the females.You're female too!"
"No. No. I'm not exactly female, you see. My species are mono-gendered, in that we make no distinction of gender at all. Yes, we are female by appearance, but our species have evolved so that we don't need an extra added skin that looks surprisingly full of discomfort that I'm even inclined to want to cut it off, per say."
"Yes. Yes. Fascinating." Belinda waved a hand, "but your kind gives birth right?"
"To a certain degree, yes, but first we must join minds, and therefore, because of this process, to such intensive care, it must be weighed in part that-"
"Enough." Shepard whined, "I can't take it anymore!"
"Would you like, if I inserted some dark themes in there?"
Belinda lay back among the pillows, finding her bed a little too stiff, "No Saren please, he's too much of a wimp. He killed himself, that dumb sod. And I don't like any krogans in my images."
"After what happened on Virmire, I'm surprised you wouldn't." Liara giggled.
"Not after seeing that krogans have….four…." Shepard coughed.
Liara giggled childishly, covering her hand over her mouth, blushing blue, "four is a good number. Fitting for a battlemaster so large and so big."
"Don't talk like that, Liara, I'll get jealous. Besides, it's too generous for me, as I like having what you and I have."
"Then relax, Shepard, and let me join my body with yours, allow me to fuse my mind, molding in such a way to give you great pleasure!"
Shepard tensed, never knowing what Liara was going to do, and the images came, without any warning, slow and fast, disjointed and smooth, contradictory in the way it presented itself:
They were on a planet, barren and dusted, with cracks on the ground, dried up from lack of moisture. In the short of a distance, there stood a compound, next to two heavily storaged containers, giving the indication that life existed within.
When they entered, it was only Shepard, Liara, and the krogan who stumbled mercilessly upon the door in which they had to tip toe in.
"Shhhh, Wrex," Shepard reprimanded, "don't make so much noise! We're supposed to take the situation and make it better. Admiral Hackett said no civilian should be killed."
"Awww, but they're insane scientists; they won't know any better right?" Wrex grumbled, trying to justify his means to make a little noise. He couldn't help it that his armour itched horribly, and that he had to squeak and clank every time he took a step.
"No, Wrex, No!" Shepard argued back, her face now angry and stern, "You have to follow orders."
"I don't take orders very well, I was a merc, remember?" he grumbled darkly, low voice and obviously pouting beneath his helmet, "you didn't get my armour anyway, why should I?"
"For the last time, Wrex," Shepard slapped his arm, "I told you, we'll get that turian's hide when we can. Right now, we need to concentrate on getting the biotic terrorists here. They're a danger to the rest of the scientists that are walking around aimlessly."
Liara piped in, "and mindlessly, might I add, tis a shame too. They could be better subjects for my future observation."
Belinda frowned, "Will you stop too? You and your observations! Now, am I going to get some obedience from the both of you?"
Wrex squirmed, wanting to scratch an itch from his behind, but couldn't reach it, "if you scratch me right on the upper left hand side of my back, we have a deal."
"Oh for goodness sakes!" Shepard spat out, "lean up against the wall if you have to, Wrex. I'm not touching your back."
"All right, Shepard, but I'm not going to promise that I'll be good."
"So the gods help me, Wrex. No casualties! Got that?"
"Perhaps, commander, if you shall allow me," Liara piped in quietly, her blue finger tapping on Shepard's shoulder, "I'll mind meld with the krogan to get rid of the unbecoming itch that cannot be reached."
"Oh no you don't," Wrex grumbled two pitches below an alto, "I don't want no cuddling, it'll screw up my focus.'Sides, the only asari I'm interested in, is not here."
Shepard rolled her eyes, walking ahead of them, and entering the compound's main entry room, "yes, yes, Wrex, Aleena is your hot bed of desire, and you don't know where that asari is."
"Nothing against you, Liara," Wrex said, "I just like my females a little more aggressive."
Liara sniffed, snubbed nose in the air, "If you believe that my biotic skills aren't to par, then.."
"Oh, for god's sake, Liara," Shepard hissed, "it's your tranquilizing nature is what he's talking about, not your skills."
"Well," Liara pouted, "I thought all asaris were desirable, including me…" She sniffed, almost on the verge of….sadness.
"There, there," Shepard rolled her eyes, frustrated by her companions, and hooked her pistol back on her belt, approached Liar and held her, "there…now..we all have our preferences, that's what makes the galaxy go round, right?" she cooed the asari scientist to calmness. Belinda's eyes were on Wrex as she held Liara, "Now, you apologize to her, Wrex!"
Wrex at this time was pushed up against the compound's wall, going up and down with his back pressed tightly between armour and hard surface, "Ohhhhh." He gurgled happily with a very deep baritone, "oh yeah, that feels good."
Before they could react, the door leading to the main facility opened up, and a biotic terrorist screamed, "WE ARE HUMANITY'S FUTURE! WE ARE THE EVOLUTION! WE ARE SUPERIOR!"
Then the screaming egotistic biotic threw a huge ball of biotic gel towards them, and encased Shepard and Liara in a two-way shared attack. They went down, both holding each other while Wrex hurriedly pushed off the wall and started shooting blasts out of his assault rifle, making sure to tiptoe forward to and fro, away from the next attack.
As soon as Shepard escaped from the enclosed ball of cocoon, Liara stumbled on all fours, searching for her fallen pistol. Shepard pulled out her weapon that was attached, and started blasting inferno rounds towards the biotic terrorists. They were coming out of the main facility in droves, accompanied with wandering scientists, lost in their mind.
The battle was fierce, and as soon as one biotic terrorist shot a blast from his hands, Shepard used her damping skills, overloading and the entire complex exploded—the nearby fusion grenades bombed instantaneously. With two terrorists going down, Shepard's crew didn't notice until the last second that this caused one of the biotics to shove an innocent bystander against the wall, his bald head hitting against the unbendable surface with a hard thump.
With horror, Belinda watched helplessly as the scientist go down like a falling feather, lifeless eyes staring back.
"NOOOOOO!!" Shepard screamed, standing there, "This was not supposed to happen!"
By then, Liara had lifted up several terrorists up in the air, and gasped, "Oh goddess! Goddess! No!" She had not seen the innocent mad scientist who was amongst the lifting company of renegading biotics, "Wrex, don't shoot them all down! Mind the innocent."
Wrex harumped loudly, his shot gun blasting the biotics one by one from the air, "I'm a little busy here!"
When all was done, the smoke cleared, the blue fuzzy images blurred into one, which Shepard couldn't see and noted the amount of casualties: ten.
"This. Was. Not. Supposed. To. Happen!" She wailed, "I'm a paragon!"
But Shepard woke, sweat poured from her forehead, her reddish hair plastered against her temples and cheeks, wettened against the skull, and the green eyes dazedly stared past Liara.
Liara panicked, "oh goddess! No! Shepard! Wake up! Wake up!"
"I had…." Shepard mumbled, "a nightmare…those horrible images."
"I tried," Liara explained, "to give you something that you love. More than just balloons and hearts, and children, and happy smiling yellow faces. I tried, commander, to give you what you've always loved."
"Adventure! And a glimpse of the future."
"You did what?" Belinda pursed her lips, "What? That's the future? I'm going to kill a bunch of mad scientists?"
"Only if you will it, commander." Liara offered, "You needn't have this kind of future, but rather, you must find a way to distort the outcome, see to it that you're able to manage everything as exactly as you've wanted."
"Liara, my darling, come lay with me, kiss me! Hold me! I want my mummy!"
Liara jumped at the opportunity, so pleased with loving her commander, and her blue limbs wrapped around the strong form of her partner. She leaned in for a kiss, blue upon pinkish coloured lips, smashing against skin, and tongue pressing inside.
Soon, they were enclosed in a heated embrace, touching, sending vibrant images through them, shocking as the electricity that ran through the ship's hull, the terminal's systems, and their drive core was melting fast from the intensity of the growing warmth.
When they could manage, they peeled off their cumbersome clothing, and there was blue blue everywhere, where pinkish skin touched, the blue closed it in, and reddish hair fell back flat against the cold starched sheets. Shepard's green eyes fluttered, reaching with a shaky hand to move Liara's head closer.
Long moments went by, and Belinda murmured against Liara's blue purplish lips, "do you want to get out the asari bottle, by the way?"
"No, commander, let's do it natural."
"I like the sound of that."
From the bridge, Joker tapped at the monitor systems, fidgeting at the controls and orange lit panels, "someone's been messing around with my controls! Hello!?" He leaned back, looking to his right and left, "What's going on here?"
But no one heard.
He felt, very alone. Until….
"Care for a cup of coffee?"
It was an older woman's voice, "I make a mean cup of java."
"Dr. Chakwas?" Joker blinked, reached up to adjust his cap.
"Here, you look like you could use a strong dose of it." The doctor moved closer, leaned down with one leg, kneeling to get closer to him, "I have several empty beds in the med bay, and you haven't been in for a check up, Joker."
His lips moved a little, found himself quite stunned by the offer, but it didn't last long. He wasn't Joker for nothing.
"I believe you're right," he took the coffee cup in his hand and drank it, his eyes never leaving the doctor's own, "so…" he said, after finishing off the last drop, "is that where you sleep?"
"I never go to the sleeper pods much, while the med bay has plenty of empty beds, which are far more comfortable than the pods." She lifted a grey fine brow at him.
"Uh….I'm a bit young."
"Never stopped me before. I came to serve in space because I've longed of young hypnotically dreamy men with piercing eyes, like yours."
He gulped, "I like older women."
"Are you ready for the consequences?"
"I'm tired of being cooped up in the cock pit."
"Then, you won't mind a thorough examination." She said, very meaningfully, her eyes going up and down on Joker's form.
"Just…be careful of the merchandise."
She leaned in for a kiss.
And Joker was ready, but was moved vigorously awake; his image of Dr. Chakwas coming in for a big fat smooch was immediately destroyed.
"What- what's going on?" He looked up to see the commander with Liara standing there.
"Joker, you're supposed to land us on Chohe. You're asleep at the wheel here." Shepard said, with a hand on her hip.
"I just had the weirdest dream!"
Liara spotted a bottle of asari lotion sitting there by Joker's left, near a cup of coffee, "is that? Is that what I believe it is? Oh goddess, I suggest you shouldn't use it, unless you get very vivid dreams."
"Dreams?" Joker shook his head, rubbing his eyes, "I just put a little on me to see what it does. It smelled good."
"Joker, that bottle is best used with a partner. Otherwise, you'll get dreams that become so real that you're wondering if you've ever dreamed at all."
Shepard squinted, "Wha? What is this? That's the bottle you and I share with the krogan."
"Surprising isn't it? This bottle has almost hallucinating effects. But it is most useful when one has a partner who they can share it with." Liara nodded.
"Hmmm. I don't care." Shepard waved her hand, "I got a call from Admiral Hackett and I'm in for the biotics compound quest!" she almost jumped happily, holding Liara's hands, "I'm going to be given a medal for this if I don't kill any civilians!"
"I'm happy for you, Shepard; let us proceed to the mako."
"Who says I'm taking you?"
"Oh, oh goddess. I'm sorry. I didn't mean—…"
"I'm just joking, Liara, you know I'll take my lover with me." She teased and leaned in to kiss her cheek. Liara flustered, frowned at the joke unknowingly, trying to still figure it out. But Shepard took her hand and skipped.
They jolted off, leaving Joker alone. He sighed, rubbing his temples and pulling off his cap to scratch his head, "That was so weird," he said to himself, "I was actually enjoying..." it almost horrified him, but bizarrely aroused him. He wanted Dr. Chakwas.
"Joker, I have it on my charts here, that you are overdue for a check up."
It was the familiar female voice cutting into his thoughts.
"Oh my god." Joker breathed, "You have a cup of coffee with you?" he looked at her hands--they were holding the chart list, but no cup.
He slumped back into his chair. Strangely disappointed.
"Joker, did you hear me? I said that you are overdue…"
"Yeah, yeah. I gotta fly this thing over the open area near the compound first, open the hatch, and then I'll crawl over to your med bay after the commander's done with her mission."
She leaned in, breathed into his ear, "I make a mean cup of coffee…there's plenty in the med bay."
-end of this part.