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Shego and Company - Such Major Draggage
I can't believe those two royally ditched me like that last night! I wake up face down against a nasty city curb, I think I'm somewhere in south Hollywood... I think. Fucking club owner must've thought I was some OD junkie or whatever and had his men dump me someplace. Oh, and where was my posse when all that happened? Probably fagging it up back at the apartment! I knew they'd fuck me over like this, it's so like them, especially that cunt Shego!
Yuck, my clothes are so ruined! I should go back there and... oh fuck it, I'm not in the mood. This is all their fault, my so called friends, back stabbers! I'll fucking claw their eyes out! I don't have a watch on me but the streets are, like, totally empty and it's not too bright out, must be like, way early right now. I stumble around, I don't know if it's the hang over or sleeping against a curb that's messing me up more. I come across some bitchin' clothes store and a nice, hefty trash and I get this wicked smart idea. Alright, take a deep breath, change into someone who can lift this thing and smash it through that window. When the glass shattered and the alarm started going off, I had to double over and throw up. Fuck, I must've spun around too fast or something, I'm so dizzy. Fucking must've put something in my Cosmos last night, slimy... shit, I think the asshole who runs the place is from one of the commie countries. Oh screw it, too dizzy to think about it.
Well this sucks, even if I could walk straight, there's no way I'd find something decent in my size before the cops show up. I duck into the alley and find somewhere private to sober up. God, my head is fucking killing me! Takes more over an hour just to remember that I can just make clothes from my skin until I get back home. I so hope no one gets a picture of me doing this. I strip down to my undies, dump the trashed rags into a dumpster and just look like someone else with a new set of clothes. I can still hear sirens, I better lay low until they're gone. Oh well, I still got ten bucks on me, might as well grab a tall soy latte and sober up.
It takes a while to get used to walking without crashing into something but I can't find a damn Starbucks anywhere! Hello, there should be one at every corner, don't these people know anything about, you know, supply and demand? I demand these fuckers supply me with a soy latte! Lame, I gotta settle with this shitty hole of a café. Really don't want to go in, it's soooo... normal people.
I walk up to the homely looking woman, god these people are creepy. "Uhh... tall..." Oh god this is lame, she might actually try to talk to me. "Tall soy non fat mocha latte?"
She just looks at me. Fuck, doesn't she know how ugly she is, stop looking at me you hag! "Sorry hun, we only serve coffee here."
Oh, really funny you fucking antique. "Just give me something with no real sugar and fat free." I hand her the money and slump over the counter. I'm still way too out of it, I get dizzy but it's on and off and it's fucking annoying. She puts a styrofoam cup in front of me. Shit, I might be a crook but at least I don't piss all over the environment. "Whatever..." I don't even know why I said that, I can't think straight.
I force that the swill the dinosaur calls coffee and try to focus on their lame-o, NOT HD television. I thought tax dollars were spent on destroying places like this, you know, for the public good? Even worse, every three seconds I remember I'm sitting in this dive in my underwear! Around these freaks! I almost puke right there! Takes a while but I finally start seeing and hearing the TV okay. "...anks will be in Rwanda next week in his world wide charity tour. In local news, police are still looking for former celebutante turned international criminal, Camille Leon. Leon was reportedly spotted in the Hollywood area after posing as Britina. She evaded arrest and is still at large."
Oh my god, this is, like, so totally lame. I know Shego is going to fucking bitch about this, I swear to god! "With the recent string of thefts two nights ago in the near by area accredited to the former television star, Adrena Lynn. Along with reports of a mugging last night in a residential area have lead local authorities to believe that infamous 'super-criminal' and international terrorist, Shego, might also be in the Hollywood area and that, most likely, the three are in hiding together."
What the fuck, terrorist? Talk about over reacting. "Reports still sketchy but the brutalized victims described their muggers as a pair of athletic women, one of them with sharp nails and a slight green complection hidden under a smeared layer of makeup. We urge citizens to call the number on the screen with any information that might lead to the arrest of these three women who are still wanted for the grisly prison massacre that took place nearly one year ago."
All I could do was sit there, on that nasty cheap vinyl stool, while it all sank into the pit of my stomach. Don't lose it, don't puke. "I can't believe a bunch of harden monsters can be hiding in our own backyard." I nearly drop my piss coffee when I heard that, not that it would've been a big lose. It was the old bat that said it.
"Yeah," some jack ass with a pedophile mustache was talking now. "All sorts of crazies in L.A. but wow, those three are pure evil."
"I hope they don't try them here, people like them should be executed. I know that's not a popular sentiment in this state but when I was in Texas, a killer goes on death row." Fucking cow! I knock my coffee over on her before heading to the door. "Hey!"
"Bite my ass!" Oh god, I think I'm starting to panic! Shit, why did I agree to team up with them? They're going to get me arrested again! I didn't even kill anyone during that riot! I was smart, I hid, I slipped out the door! Those bitches! They couldn't just escape, Shego just had to get all righteous over some skinny little bitch who killed herself! She's crazy, I know it, that green shit she's always throwing around must've leaked into her brain while her hands were locked up, that's it. Oh, that doesn't matter anymore, not now anyway. What I should be worried about is what the fuck do I do now? Do I ditch? Why not, those thunder cunts ditched me last night! But they're muscle, what if the cops stop me? I can change into something wicked tough but I can't fight worth shit. Fine, I'll go back to them but we're leaving L.A.! I can't believe those two ruined my favorite place in the world for me. Once we start stealing some big money, I'm going to fucking lose those two and hide out in the Caymans.
I walk around in the streets for a while, no cops, no sirens and my head's starting to feel alright again. About two blocks later, I can see something. It's those bitches! Shego and Lynn are eating at some gag-inducing fast food place, right out in the open! How fucking retarded can you get, eating out when the whole city's gunning for you? Alright, just approach them, give them your fake smile and we'll be out of here before they can lock us all up again. Of course, this has to be the day I get jumped, too. When I pass by an alley, someone grabs me and tosses me to the ground, hard. "Hey, the fuck is your problem!" I scream out, I was so pissed off.
When I look up, I thought I was still drunk or something. It's a fucking ninja! Now, I hang out with a fire shooting supervillain and an ex-TV starlet and I fucking change shapes and now I'm being harassed by a fucking ninja. Seriously, I need a vacation. "Dishonorable vagrant! I will not be fooled by your deceit. Reveal your true nature, Camille Leon, it is time to pay for your crimes!"
Damn she's mouthy for a ninja, I thought those chinks were suppose to be all quiet and mysterious. She sure does talks funny though, fucking can't understand a word she's saying. "You idiot, I'm going to fucking sue you!" She's coming for me, now I'm sure she knows who I am. Fine, fuck it, ninjas are easy to beat up anyway. I've seen them get fucked over millions of times, it's like an action movie rule. I turn big and beefy and swing a punch, fuck it's hard to keep myself in this shape this early in the damn morning. She ducks it and hits me right between the ribs. That fucking hurts! It makes me change back and gasp for air. "You fucking gook! I'm gonna fucking shove a bottle up your ass and bash your narrow eyes in with a brick!"
"Your profanity only exposes your desperation. Surrender now and this confrontation will end peacefully." Oh, fuck you! Now I get creative. She wants to play kung-fu bitch? I'll give her some mantis style with a huge fucking pair of mantis claws! Turning into animal parts always makes me so damn stiff afterwards and sooo ugly but it'll be worth it to watch her guts spill out on the floor! I take some big swings and she breaks my arm at the elbow with just one knee swing! The cracking sound was sick and the pain was too much, I snapped back into my normal form, undies and all, and fell on my knees, crying from how much it fucking hurt. The next thing I remember is a fist to the face and everything going black. From a million miles away, I can hear her talking, probably to gloat. "Know today, monster, that you have faced justice and lost. When you remember this defeat, remember that it was Yori who humbled you." Fucking Chinese cunt...